I stayed under my blanket, trying to calm myself down, but soon, I heard the door open.

I felt my heart beginning to pound again, and I curled up in a ball and poked my head out of the blanket. I saw Leeteuk entering the room. He closed the door after himself, and I shrank a little on my bed. I knew I was supposed to get up and greet him, but I was just too scared of him. And somehow, I thought staying wrapped up in my blanket would protect me more than anything else.

I only kept my head out of the blanket to watch him, to make sure he didn't get too close.

I was looking him with more fear than I'd ever felt before in my life, but he looked relaxed.

Leeteuk gave me a quick glance, then he climbed onto his own bed. I sat up and pushed my back against the headboard and tried to keep my distance from him, but it was an almost impossible feat with his bed so close to mine.

Feeling like I'd been pushed into a corner, I quickly jumped out of the bed and made to get out of the room, and I was sure, the apartment, but then as I reached for the doorknob to turn it, I remembered the letter from Seunghwan hyung.

If I left it alone with him in the room, he'd probably read it, and probably talk about me behind my back over it.

I turned back around and marched to my bed. I lifted up the mattress a little until I could reach the envelope, then clutching it tightly in my hand, I turned around again when Leeteuk said my name.

I probably should have continued walking and didn't look back, but I fumbled; I looked back at Leeteuk on his bed. Then to my dismay, Leeteuk got out of his bed and started walking towards me.

"Hey. Relax. I won't touch it again. It was an accident."

As scared as I was, I my heel furiously to face Leeteuk completely.

"You were accidentally going through my things and then you were accidentally reading the letter?" I asked with contempt on every syllable.

A flash of anger crossed Leeteuk's face, but it soon disappeared to be replaced by what seemed like genuine apology.

"I was just making my bed and I saw a corner of it there. I thought it was a tag from your new bed or something and I just pulled it out. I didn't know - " said Leeteuk, but I cut him off and glared at him.

"Stop trying to help me and let me take care of myself. I can do it."

Leeteuk was silent for a few seconds, then he spoke quietly.

"Kyuhyun, I know you're upset, but you're being rude."

As soon as these words left his mouth, I felt my face flush and my heart pounding.

No, he's going to beat me again.

I looked to the door to leave the room, but Leeteuk was standing between me and the door. God, no -

I looked up at him with pleading eyes.

"I'm sorry, please - please - I'm so sorry, please don't, I still have scars from all the other beatings I've had, sunbaenim, I'm so sorry. Please - "

I was rambling now, unsure of what I was saying anymore, but I was still just talking, telling him how sorry I was, telling him I couldn't take another beating, not for the life of me -

"KYUHYUN, CALM DOWN!" shouted Leeteuk. He grabbed me roughly by my shoulders and gave me a violent shake.

I stopped talking and looked into Leeteuk's eyes, just pleading with him. Please, please, please.

As I just stared into his eyes with my wet ones, he spoke quietly.

"Kyuhyun, I won't beat you. Calm down."

But I didn't even register what he said; I was too busy trying to push his hands off my shoulders.

"Get off me," I said in a shaking voice. "Get off me. Don't touch me."

Leeteuk took his hands away from my shoulders like they'd been burned. I saw him look at his feet for a few seconds, then he looked up and into my eyes as I looked back into his.

Then I felt something I'd never felt before.

It was like he was looking right through me, and feeling every emotion I was feeling.

It was like he finally understood how scared, how hurt, and how alone I was. And it was like I could feel that he understood.

I just stood there, trembling while Leeteuk continued to read my eyes. I also continued looking into his dark eyes, but it made me feel so defenseless, so vulnerable. However, I couldn't divert my gaze anywhere else.

And then I realized - I couldn't take my eyes off of his because I was asking him for help.

I'm scared, I'm broken... I can't do this on my own.

Help me.

And I could see understanding in his charcoal eyes.

Then Leeteuk took a step closer to me and wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly against himself.

However, I wasn't ready.

"DON'T!" I shouted.

I tried pushing him away, but he held on.

And then without even knowing what I was doing, I clenched my fist and swung it as hard as I could into his side, willing him to get off, let go -

However, Leeteuk didn't budge.

"Please don't. Please let go, please - " I pleaded, then I started crying. "I'm too scared," I whispered.

"It's okay," murmured Leeteuk. I froze into place for a few moments, then I tried to push him away again.

"No, it's not okay, you have no idea what I'm even - "

There was a silence while I just stayed there, sobbing quietly, trying to free myself from Leeteuk's grasp, and Leeteuk spoke quietly in my ear.

"No, you're right, I can't even begin to understand," said Leeteuk quietly. I let out a breath of misery and tried to push him away again, but he still held firm. "You're right. But I know it's okay to feel how you feel."

Liar, you don't know that it's okay, you don't know that anything's okay...

I hated what he was saying and what I was hearing, but I stopped trying to push him away.

"It's okay," said Leeteuk again. "It's all right, Kyuhyun."

No, it isn't okay, this isn't right. I shouldn't be so cut up over the manager hyung leaving. I've cried over it already, and it's not right that he's been gone for over a week now, and I'm still not over it. It's not okay that I can't trust anyone anymore, it's not okay that I'm not letting anyone touch me because I was afraid that they'd eventually leave me, too. It's not okay that I feel like I'm the only person who could protect me. It's not okay that I want to quit the team, it's not okay that I'm so scared, that I'm so tired, that I feel like dying...

But I do feel all of that and more.

It's not okay.

"It's okay," he repeated. "It's okay."

I let out another sob. No, he has no idea -

"Anyone in your position would feel the same way," whispered Leeteuk. "It's okay."

This is okay? The way I'm feeling right now is okay?

"It's okay."

Was it - was it really?

"It's so hard," I said through my tears.

"It's okay," he whispered. "And I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

I felt numb.

I couldn't even keep my head up anymore, and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing from my eyes. I bowed my head until my forehead was resting on Leeteuk's shoulder.

"I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I raised this team wrong. I'm so sorry."

He pressed his chest harder into mine, which was heaving uncontrollably, and hugged me tighter than anyone had ever hugged me before.

My chest erupted into more spasms, but then Leeteuk squeezed me even tighter, keeping them controlled.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm sorry, Kyuhyun."

I didn't say anything.

I just hugged back, pressing him closer to me, crying into Leeteuk's shoulder.

If I'd been less wrapped up in my emotions, I probably would have noticed that my own shoulder was wet as well.

I'm not sure how long we just stood there, crying into each other's shoulders, but when we finally let go, I had no strength left anymore.

I was so spent, so tired...

And when I looked up into Leeteuk's eyes again, he nodded.

"Get some rest before we have to go to practice again in a few hours," he said quietly, then he supported me into my bed.

I got in it, but I couldn't relax.

My body didn't feel right. I wasn't just tired. I was shivering, and I felt so sick...

As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt a cool hand on my forehead.

"You're burning up," said Leeteuk quietly as he lied down in his own bed. "I think it'll pass soon, though."

An hour later, though, I still hadn't been able to fall asleep and I was still shivering. As I wrapped my blanket tightly around myself, I saw Leeteuk getting up from his bed.

I felt a twinge of fear that he was leaving me, but he was soon back with a blanket and a wet towel in his hand.

He placed the cold towel on my forehead. I expected him to give me the extra blanket, but he pulled the blanket that I'd been using away from me.

"Use this one instead," he said, then he put a much lighter, thinner blanket over me.

"But I'm so cold," I managed through chattering teeth.

"I know. But you're not going to get better if we don't cool off your fever," said Leeteuk, then watching me curl up on my bed, he reluctantly got into his own bed.

I still wasn't able to fall asleep four hours later when the manager got here to get us all to practice.

I tried to get myself out of bed, but I couldn't even move because of how sick I was.

I heard the familiar buzz in the living room for a few minutes, then the door to my room burst open.

"Cho Kyuhyun, come on. Get up," said the manager.

I opened my eyes halfway and looked up at him for a second before closing them again.

I just couldn't keep them open. My eyes stung even when I had them closed, and it was labouring just to take regular breaths. My head felt like it would burst at any moment because it was in so much pain, and every limb seemed to weigh a ton.

As I just lied there, unable to respond, the manager finally raised his voice.

"You were fine just a few hours ago!" shouted the manager.

I looked up at him. "I - " I whispered hoarsely. "I - I'm so sick."

"I don't care. Get up," he said.

"Please," I pleaded.

"Get up."

I closed my eyes defiantly, and I heard Leeteuk's voice speak at the doorway. "Hyung, please let him stay in bed. He's too sick."

"Teuk, is that what you're supposed to be doing as a leader?" demanded the manager.

Leeteuk didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then he spoke again quietly. "I'm just trying to take care of him, and I do think it's my job as a leader, sir," he said calmly.

I still had my eyes closed, but I heard a loud smack.

I opened my eyes, and I saw Leeteuk stumbling backwards, clutching his cheek and the manager with his hand still raised.

"Are you talking back?" shouted the manager.

Oh god.

I was so useless. I couldn't do anything right. All I ever did was bring the team down, and hurt everyone else.

Tears were brimmed around my eyes, and they were on the brink of falling.

"No, please," I whispered. And with all of the energy I had left, I sat up on my bed. "I'll go to practice. I'm sorry. Please stop."

The manager glared at me as a tear rolled down my cheek.

"Be downstairs in two minutes," he said coldly, then he left the room.

I heard the front door open and close, then there was finally silence in the dorm.

I sighed without meaning to; just breathing was such a challenge.

Steadying my breaths, I pushed my blanket aside with a shaking hand, but as soon as I did, a hand reached over and put the blanket over me again.

I looked up in half-annoyance and half-confusion; I had just spent so much energy putting the blanket away and I'd have to get myself out of it again. I made a move to take the blanket away again when I heard Leeteuk's voice.

"Stay in bed. I'll deal with this."

I shook my head. "No, he's going to give you a hard time. I'll just - "

"No, just trust your hyung. I'll take care of it."

Then Leeteuk took me by my shoulders and laid me back down.

"Sunbaenim - " I started with concern, but Leeteuk shook his head.

"Don't worry. And Heechul's in bed, but if he tries anything, just stay in bed and tell him how sick you are, okay?"

I sighed and nodded. I really wanted to refuse and to get myself up for practice, but I was just too sick. "Okay," I whispered.

Leeteuk put his soft hand on my cheek for a little while, and I closed my eyes in appreciation with this warm gesture. God, no one had done that since that night when the manager hyung got drunk.

"Good night," he whispered.

"Thank you," I said, then I felt a tear fall from my eye onto Leeteuk's hand. Leeteuk wordlessly wiped the tear away from my face, then he left the room, turning out the lights as he left.

*Author's Note: Happy belated birthday to our Dongri Dong Shindong!!!