Chp 134

Kyuhyun... It's been hard on you.

After I threw the rest of it up, I righted my body on the bed again, finally noticing the intense pain at my sides, but before I could put my head back, the intern put his hand on the back of my neck.

"Keep your head down a little longer for me. And breathe through your nose if you can," said the intern. I did as he asked, wincing at the taste of it in my mouth.

Soon, though, the intern held out a glass of water. I reached for it, but before I could touch it, he drew it away again.

"Don't swallow it, it's tap water," he warned.

I nodded, then took the cup from him to rinse out my mouth. It took all I had not to just gulp it down. Instead, I spat out the water into the basin that the nurse was holding. I repeated the process a few times until I felt reasonably clean and the intern finally let me rest my head against the bed again. And by then, the nurse had come back from the bathroom with a towel.

"I'm really sorry," I whispered as she wiped the corners of my mouth.

I looked up at the intern and saw him sigh at the apology, but the nurse just said a mild "It's okay," and proceeded to cleaning up the rest of my face.

As she cleaned up what I'd just thrown up from the floor, me watching with my head down, I saw the intern pour another glass of apple juice.

"Doc - doctor - " I said, my eyebrows furrowing together. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to drink this much juice when I'd just thrown it up.

"I want to try this again," said the intern persistently. "I want you to be able to eat and drink again as much as you do."

I sighed and looked at the glass.

"I can't do it right now," I whispered, shaking my head and pursing my lips together. The intern sighed and put the glass down.

"Okay," he said. "We'll try again in an hour or so, okay?"

I nodded with appreciation and the intern drained the apple juice in the glass in the sink by my bed. He lowered my bed again, and as he did, I heard the nurse's voice from beside me.

"Do you want the curtain open again, Kyuhyun?"

I hesitated, feeling my face go red. I didn't want to see Seunghwan hyung after just having proven to him how weak I was. I didn't want to see that worried face, and I didn't want him to feel like he had to take care of me when he should be taking care of himself. I didn't want him to feel like he couldn't eat just because I couldn't and I was in his sight, and I didn't want him to rebuke me for not being able to take care of myself even here. I shook my head silently and the nurse nodded in understanding.

"Well, let us know when you do," she said kindly, then when I nodded, she and the intern both left the room, leaving Seunghwan hyung and me alone in the room.

There was a white silence for a little while. Even though there was a curtain between us, it was still uncomfortable.

I pulled my sheets up to my chin and stared up at the ceiling when I heard Seunghwan hyung's voice from behind the curtain.

"Kyuhyun?"

I didn't respond and just clenched my teeth. I didn't want to talk to him right now... Not after what he'd just seen. I knew he wanted me to take care of myself, and he'd just seen me at a time when I couldn't even get half a glass of juice down.

"Kyuhyun, are you okay?"

I still didn't say anything. He waited for a moment before speaking again.

"Kyuhyun."

More silence.

"Kyuhyun, it's okay. I know this isn't your fault. I promise I won't yell at you while you're here. I'm so sorry yelling at you's all I've done for so long."

I frowned with my eyes closed.

Why was he apologizing, he didn't do anything wrong...

"I just want you to feel comfortable in this room, Kyuhyun, because we're both going to be here for a long time."

I bit my lip for a second, then I finally spoke at the ceiling.

"You too," I said quietly. "I'm just - so sorry that I'm here and interfering with your recovery."

"I do feel comfortable. Don't say that," he said.

"Have you finished your supper?"

"I - "

He didn't say anything for a long time, and I sighed.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and there was finally no response from Seunghwan hyung.

 

 

The curtain remained closed until the nurse came into the room a few moments later.

"A lot of people are here to see the two of you," said the nurse. She sighed. "They're from your work. I tried telling them it's not visiting hours right now, but they wouldn't listen. Should I let them in?"

My face finally brightened. I was finally going to be able to see everyone, and maybe even together. I had wanted to see the team for so long, and I had yet to apologize to Ryeowook -

I nodded enthusiastically at the same time that I heard Seunghwan hyung say, "Yes. Thank you so much."

The nurse had barely opened the door and said a tired, "Okay," before everyone flooded in.

There was almost a mob, and shouts of "Kyuhyun!", "Seunghwan hyung!" and "I can't believe the two of you get to share a room!". There was just so much noise, oh gosh -

"Why is this curtain closed?" someone shouted, then within seconds, the curtain was open, revealing Seunghwan hyung still sitting up on the bed. A smile was spread across his face, though, as he greeted the team happily.

I looked around.

Everyone was here, and there was just too much going on.

"Kyuhyun!" I felt my hands being grabbed, and I looked up to see Eunhyuk's crying, red face in front of mine.

"Hi, hyung," I said, and as I did, Eunhyuk finally smiled and lightly pinched my cheek.

"Gosh, you lost so much weight," he said.

I smiled. "I'm sure our managers will be happy," I said.

There was a chorus of laughter as I felt my hand being tugged out of Eunhyuk's hands by someone else amidst Donghae's shout of, "Careful with the needle in his hand!"

"Kyuhyun, I thank God so much for keeping you alive," said Siwon.

I took my eyes off of Eunhyuk and looked at Siwon instead, who was standing next to him. I smiled a bit at him, too. "Maybe if I went to church more often..."

"You might not even have been in the accident," he rebuked. Pious guilt pounded down on me as Sungmin slapped Siwon's shoulder.

"Enough," said Sungmin, but before anything, there was a loud yell of "Hey - kid!" from beside me, and suddenly, Kangin's smiling eyes were in front of mine.

"Hi," I said, returning the smile.

"Such a punk," he said, suddenly putting on a frown. "Making everyone worry like that."

"Sorry," I said timidly, much to general laughter.

I looked up and around again, enjoying this now.

I saw Leeteuk standing at the foot of my bed with a proud smile, Yesung was sobbing into his hands beside Leeteuk, watching me. Shindong, Kibum, Hankyung and Heechul were talking and laughing with Seunghwan hyung.

So that was everyone on the team - except -

I looked around a bit more, making sure that I hadn't missed him. Ryeowook was still nowhere to be seen...

I craned my neck a bit to reach my sight around Kangin, and I spotted a figure off in the corner. He was by the doorway still like he didn't quite know whether to approach the bed or not. He was shuffling his feet like he didn't know what to do with himself. And at the affable sight, I smiled.

"Jonghyun, come here," I said, beckoning him towards me.

Jonghyun finally took a deep breath and took steps forward and toward me.

I saw him mouth, "Hi, hyung," but I didn't hear it; there was just too much noise from the other members.

I beckoned him closer and closer until he was beside the bed and his hand was in my reach. Jonghyun looked as though he was about to burst out crying for a second, then spoke, clearly scared.

"Hyung, how hurt are you?" he asked.

I smiled a little.

"That doesn't matter. All that's left to do for me now is to get better, okay?" I said. "And the doctors said I was doing better than they expected."

Jonghyun smiled, nodded and took a step back to allow the hyungs to crowd around me again, but soon, Heechul started yelling from the other side of the room.

"Jungsu, take Seunghwan hyung out to get some fresh air!" he shouted.

Leeteuk looked up, nodded, and started walking over to Seunghwan hyung as Yesung and Shindong helped him into his wheelchair. As Seunghwan hyung's wheelchair passed my bed, Heechul cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"You should all go with him," he said, ushering everyone away from my bed. "Everyone, go with Seunghwan hyung - "

"Are you coming?" asked Donghae on his way out with Seunghwan hyung.

Heechul raised his eyebrows. "I don't want to leave Kyuhyun alone here, that's just mean."

All of the hyungs around my bed followed Leeteuk and Seunghwan hyung out the door, and soon, the door slid shut, leaving the room silent once again.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," said Heechul with a sigh, sitting down on the stool. He looked up and saw Jonghyun still standing uncertainly at the foot of my bed. And then he frowned. "Kid, what part of 'get out' don't you understand?" asked Heechul. I saw Jonghyun widen his eyes in surprise, then bowing hurriedly before turning and leaving the room. I felt my heart wrench, and I looked at Heechul as soon as the door closed behind Jonghyun.

"Hyung, please don't bully Jonghyun," I whispered. "Please don't do to him what you did to me. He's a dongsaeng I love and treasure. Please."

Heechul froze for a split second before laughing a little.

"When did I ever do anything to you?" he said.

I looked down at my hands and then looked at him again. "Please take care of him."

Heechul brushed off my plea with an exasperated, "Okay, god, I will."

There was an awkward silence while Heechul just sat there, fiddling with his hands and I fiddled with my own. And a few minutes later, Heechul cleared his throat and took his bag off of his shoulders. I watched out of the corner of my eye, and I saw him extracting small objects from it and putting everything on the bedside table. They were little things like small presents and fan letters I'd gotten. He started speaking without looking at me, and when he did, it was in such a caring tone, such a change from the tone I'd just heard from him that I had to look at him to make sure that it was really him who was talking.

"So I brought some of your things from the dorm, because - I was - at the hospital for a while, too, right? And I just remember it was hard because nothing felt like home, and - "

Heechul stopped.

"I mean - maybe this is easier than when you first - moved into the dorm, and maybe this stuff doesn't feel like home to you either, but..." He trailed off before starting again. "And this, I know this really helped me get better, so I just brought it from the dorm. I hope no one noticed, but here - "

I saw his hand reach deeper into his bag and when it came out, I saw his hand clutching one of the music program trophies we'd received. My eyes widened.

"Seriously, this motivates you to get better more than anything else," said Heechul. "Take care of it, though, because - "

I saw the hand holding the trophy move towards the bedside table, and before I realized what I was doing, I reached out and grabbed his wrist.

Heechul looked just as surprised as me as he stopped in the middle of his speech. As he froze, I let go. And instead, I spoke.

"Hyung," I croaked, looking up at him. "Why are you suddenly being so nice to me?"

"What?" asked Heechul.

Heechul frowned and shook his head a little without saying anything. And then as he made to get up, I whispered, "Hyung."

He stopped and looked at me, and as I did, I lifted my hand a little and held it out for him to take. He hesitated for a long time. And that time was long enough for me to think that he would leave. But he slowly reached out and took my hand in his. I breathed a sigh of relief and started to speak.

"I've learned a lot already since - since that night," I said. "But the biggest thing I've learned is never to hold back. I - I need to say everything I want to say when I can. Because you never know when you might not be able to anymore. And in that, hyung - I... I really need to say this now."

Heechul stared into my eyes with his eyes strung with tears, and I took a deep breath with my eyes closed, bracing myself. And then I spoke again.

"You just asked me what it was that you did to me," I whispered. "You hurt me the most. You hurt me so, so much."

Heechul drew in a sharp breath, then looked at me, shaking his head. "Come - come on, Kyuhyun, I - I rarely hit you, I - "

I shook my head and looked away. "Not like that," I said quietly. "Do you know - what the worst part of being beaten is?"

Heechul clenched his teeth and continued staring at me without saying anything.

"It's not - the pain from you being beaten," I explained quietly. "It's the pain - in your heart. You feel like - like you're - you're not quite - human. And you don't deserve - to be treated like everyone else. Because you're not human enough. you feel so, so small - like your thoughts, your feelings, your body - don't matter, and - no matter how much - you beg, and plead, none of it works, and - "

I shook my head, unable to continue on with the sentence. And when I did, I didn't try to continue the sentence.

"Seunghwan hyung probably beat me the most, but those ones - they don't hurt," I managed. "Because I know he loves me. He - hurt me in other ways. He hurt me - because I love him too much, and he loved me just as much."

I looked up into his eyes, and then feeling my eyes well up with tears, spoke painstakingly.

"But you, hyung - you didn't hurt me physically, but - but you hurt me so, so much - in my heart."

I let the tears roll down my face.

"I'm sorry - I was added to the team, I'm sorry I breathed, and I'm so sorry - for existing. But - but none of that is my fault, you know?" I closed my eyes, being so tired from talking so much, but I soon opened them again. "None of it's my fault, but you - you kept punishing me for - for being there. And that hurt - so, so much. It still - still hurts so much."

Heechul didn't say anything and just looked at me.

"I think at least some of the pain in my heart would go away if you would tell me why you hated me so much, and then if tell me - you regret - doing what you did," I whispered.

And then I looked up into his eyes again.

"I'm ready to forgive you," I said through my tears. "As soon as you ask for it."

Heechul stared at me for a long while longer, then he looked down at our hands, still clutching each other. And he spoke quietly, apparently absent-mindedly. "Ask..."

I nodded slightly. "And tell me everything. Why you hated me so much. Why you never gave me a chance. Why - this suddenly changed. That - that you regret how you treated me before."

Heechul bit his lip.

"I - I'm just - so tired," I pleaded. Each breath was harder and harder to take. "So tired of - guessing - and trying to figure out - how I can do better. And so tired - just - so tired."

And then I finally let go of his hand after a final squeeze. Heechul let go, too, and he withdrew his hand slowly.

"You can take your time," I whispered. "Because - I've done my part. If - if one of us - died tomorrow, I don't think it would be me - regretting our last words to each other."

Heechul bit his lip, then he spoke again.

"Go to sleep. I'll make sure the others won't disturb you when they come back," he said, then he put his bag down beside him and lowered his head so that I could no longer see his face.

 

 

I did fall asleep while Heechul watched. And when I opened my eyes, the room was darkened and all was still; it was clearly the middle of the night. I closed my eyes again and tried to go back to sleep when I realized that whatever it was that awoke me was also keeping me from falling asleep again. I opened my eyes again a slit to realize that Heechul was still sitting in the stool next to my bed. But that wasn't what awoke me; what woke me up was the sniffling - and the irregular breaths, coming from - coming from Heechul?

I kept my eyes closed. I didn't want him to know I was awake, if I did, I might be expected to talk to him or something, and god, I wasn't ready for that -

But I needn't have worried. As I did, a crying Heechul spoke so, so quietly.

"God, Kyuhyun, I know what I did to you. I'm not - you'd have to be an idiot not to be able to see what I did to you. And as to why - "

There was a long pause while he sobbed, then he continued again.

"It's me, it was never you," Heechul whispered. "It's because I'm such a fool. Because I'm so selfish. Because - I've learned not to take care of anyone else but myself all these years, and - using you like that was the easiest way to do it."

I heard Heechul sigh through his tears. And it was a long time before he continued.

"I had a nightmare that night you had the accident," said Heechul. "It was - an open field or something, I don't know. I was watching you. And you - you came to a cliff."

I felt my eyes snap open as I remembered my own dream.

Oh god.

Chills ran down my spine as I continued staring at Heechul with widened eyes, but Heechul wasn't looking at me. He was looking in his lap.

"But then - I realized - you were covered in cuts and bruises," he whispered. "And - and I remembered that - I was the one to give them to you. Because - I made you - walk through - thorns and cross oceans instead of taking a clear path. And - and you were crying because you were in so much pain - "

I closed my eyes again and tried to control my breaths as tears filled my eyes. This isn't possible, I haven't told anyone about that dream, ever -

" - and then when you came to this cliff, I swear, I didn't - I didn't mean to, but for some reason, I just - felt my mouth move, and I told you to jump off. And - and you heard, and you looked at me and - and you were so innocent - and so - gentle, and you said - 'I'm so sorry I was such trouble...' and then you just - you just smiled at me. And your eyes, they were so scared and so sad, and - there were tears hung on them, and I suddenly felt - so sorry, because I remembered that - that you didn't do anything to deserve any of this, but - but before - before I could stop you, you - you just - closed your eyes, took a deep breath and then - you - you just started swaying back and forth - "

Heechul's voice had climbed, and he stopped to cry. He cried for a long time, then I felt his hand on my own.

"I didn't get to see what you chose," said Heechul, his voice back down to a whisper. "But I think you must have jumped off, because I woke up to - my phone ringing, and it was - it was Hyukjae, and he was crying, and he said - that you were dying, and - and I knew it was my fault. I did this to you, and - and then your father told me how scared you were of me, and - "

Heechul took another deep breath. He was still sobbing, and he was now gripping my hand hard.

"I know I'm going to regret not saying this while you were awake if one of us died tomorrow," he said, his voice thick through his tears. "But I just can't do it. I just can't - ask for your forgiveness while you're awake. My damn pride won't let me."

Heechul wiped his tears and then put his hand on my cheek. And after a little while, Heechul spoke.

"But - inside - I'm - " he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Kyuhyun. You have no idea how - just how sorry I am. I'm so, so, so sorry."

 

 

 

*Author's note: Happy belated birthday to Sungmin, and happy 2012!! Thank you so much for being with me for... so long...!!

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Comments

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secretanimelover #1
I might actually cry. This fic has always been so special to me and I used to come back and read my fave chapters regularly. I am so grateful that you are letting us all have access to it again. Thank you so much!
ferris_wheel
#2
Chapter 151: Thank you, i always go back to this whenever i need something to read. So thank you
mykyunie #3
Chapter 150: Love it very much
kyunniebiased4life
#4
I AM SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS UP AGAIN! I had to get a web archive from this to be able to read it. Thank you so much for allowing us to revisit this amazing story of our beloved maknae. Its a little bittersweet reading about Jonghyun, but I still love this so much.
bananajun
#5
hey, thank you so much for bringing this back.
mikaella_suju #6
Wahh I didn't know you republished this again. I literally searched the whole web just so I can re read
this again. I remembered messaging someone on Twitter asking for the link for this on wayback machine (webarchive.org). I really love this, its been years since I've read this but I still remember how good this was. Thank you for writing such an amazing fic!❤
Maymayz #7
Chapter 150: Oh my god you opened it again!!!!! I'm tearing up😭😭😭
Thank you so much for your hard work💙💙
mykyunie #8
Chapter 151: I do not understand why you are not satisfied with this job. I am not a writer, I only dedicate myself to reading the works of others, and believe me I have read many, many fics. and I must tell you that this fic is wonderful.
You cannot imagine how infinitely grateful I am that you allowed us to read it again since you stated that you did not intend to republish it.
This was the first fic I had the opportunity to read here at AFF and although I have read it many times each time I have done it, I end up in a sea of ​​tears because of the emotional roller coaster that Kyu had to go through to win the love of his hyungs and also about living the accident and recovering to achieve success.
thank you very much.
Henry9599 #9
Chapter 151: hello, i was wondering if there was sequel for "kyuhyun its been hard on you" ? I really really love that story. I really hope you can consider about sequel or one shot about suju if you are avialable. Really thank you for your amazing and lovely stories
Fridel2
#10
Chapter 151: I remember being blown away by the concept and the talent you showed. I'll keep an eye out for your AO3 ~