I got to my feet with Leeteuk's help, but as I stood, I could feel my knees giving way immediately. Leeteuk was caught off-guard and tried to grab my hand again, but he missed and I crouched down involuntarily.

"Sorry," I said, struggling to get up again. My body wasn't cooperating; my teeth were still chattering from the cold and my legs just weren't willing to support me, but I had to grab this chance when it was here. "I can do this."

"Hang on," said Leeteuk, then he turned around and walked back into his room. I was momentarily scared that he would stay in it, but he soon returned with one of his own sweaters. "It's a five-minute walk. Can you make it?" he asked, putting the sweater around my shoulders.

"Yes," I assured, but I wasn't totally confident in myself as I kept one hand on the wall to support myself. Leeteuk nodded and we left the dorm in silence.

I had made it all the way downstairs on my own and had entered the pitch-black darkness when I physically couldn't take another step. "Sunbaenim, I just need a few seconds," I said, taking ragged breaths. I bent over with my hands on my knees. I closed my eyes and swallowed, trying to get a steadier breath. As  I was still trying to regain my breath, I felt a hand take my arm. I opened my eyes to see that Leeteuk was putting my arm around his shoulders for support. I was immediately flustered.

"Sunbaenim, this is rude, how can I - " I stuttered, drawing my arm away, but Leeteuk held on tightly.

"I started this mess. I can do at least this much," said Leeteuk, not looking at me. "Just five minutes. I didn't realize you would be this sick. If I'd known - "

"I'm not sick. I can make it," I said. I wasn't sure where we were going, but I just followed Leeteuk's lead.

Soon, it was clear where the destination was. We were at the banks of the Han River, where the hyungs enjoyed going to so much. I had never been here, but I knew that the hyungs often came here at night to talk and socialize.

"It's just right here," announced Leeteuk. I looked up to see a picnic table in front of us.

"Okay," I whispered. I sat down on the bench, and Leeteuk took a seat across from me.

There was an awkward silence where we didn't say anything, then Leeteuk spoke.

"What did you want to say so much that you'd do this to yourself?" said Leeteuk, looking at me.

I sighed. I had worked so hard to have this opportunity, but now that it was here, I didn't know where to start. I stayed silent for a minute or so, not looking at Leeteuk, then I saw Leeteuk get up from the picnic table. In a state of panic, I reached for his hand and held it tightly.

"Wait, I'll start talking, sunbaenim. Please," I begged, looking up at him. "Please don't leave. I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to waste your time. I just - I'm trying to - "

Leeteuk looked at me, perplexed, then he looked saddened. "So this is how badly I treat you," he said. He sighed and paused. "Let go."

I continued holding on tightly. "Please," I said, my eyes filling with tears again. "I'm so sorry."

"Take it easy. I'm not going anywhere. Give me a minute," said Leeteuk. I hesitated, then let go of his hand. He got up from the table and walked a few steps back where we came from. Feeling insecure, I was halfway up from the table as well when I noticed that Leeteuk was walking towards another man. I was scared for a brief moment, but within a minute, Leeteuk was back with two hot bowls of noodles.

"I ordered the noodles here before I came out of my room. That's why I had to bring you out here," explained Leeteuk, placing the bowl in front of me.

He peeled off the saran wrap covering the bowl in front of him.

"Can - can I really have it?" I asked, unsure.

"Well, I didn't get two for myself," said Leeteuk, and he peeled off the saran wrap on my bowl, then handed me the one-use wooden chopsticks. I held it in my hands and looked at Leeteuk for a second to delay my first bite until Leeteuk had eaten. However, Leeteuk didn't seem to start.

"You first, sunbaenim," I said carefully, but the smell of the noodles was already making my mouth water.

"Formalities," muttered Leeteuk with a sigh. He finally took an unwilling bite from his bowl, but that was good enough for me. It was the first sustenance I had in over three days, and obviously, I was ravenous. I stuffed my mouth full with the noodles, but Leeteuk stopped me by pulling my bowl away after my first bite. I looked up in confusion.

"Slowly. Your stomach's going to reject it if you eat so fast," he said. I nodded, but I continued eating at the same speed. Perhaps realizing this, Leeteuk paced my eating the entire time; I ate much slower than I wanted to, and even ate slower than I usually would. Every time I took a bite, Leeteuk pulled my bowl away until he thought I was ready to take the next bite. It took me half an hour to finish the noodles that I knew I could have inhaled in ten minutes if it weren't for Leeteuk.

After I finished, I was feeling significantly warmer and my stomach wasn't in pain anymore; it had returned to the grumbling phase. The headache was also gone, much to my relief.

"Thank you," I said sheepishly, not meeting his eyes. Leeteuk didn't say anything for a little while, then sighed. He buried his face in his hands.

"You know, Kyuhyun - " he started, then he looked like he was unable to continue. I gave him a bit of time, and he continued with a trace of a sad smile on his face. "It really is a problem, right? When the maknae of the group has to starve himself for three days to be able to talk to his leader."

I just stared at him, then I finally spoke. "It's a private talk. It really was your choice whether or not you wanted to talk to me."

Leeteuk shook his head. "I always tell the members that we're a team that can't, and shouldn't separate personal life from work. I - " then he gave an empty laughter. "I'm a terrible leader, aren't I?"

I neither agreed or disagreed. At the same time that I wanted to empathize with him right now, how could I forget the weeks and weeks of hardship that he put me through? "But you're so fair to everyone else," I said with courage. "What I wanted to ask you so much was - why just me?"

"To be honest?" said Leeteuk, looking into my eyes. "I wanted you off the team. Twelve is already a huge group to lead. An extra person would just make it that much harder for me. I hated the idea of another member so much that - " he hesitated. " - that I even asked Lee Sooman himself to take you off the team."

I closed my eyes in horror. No, no, no - I didn't want to believe it. I knew Leeteuk hated me, but that much? "How could you?" I said in a pained voice.

"I didn't like you even before I met you, but then you slowed us down during the first dance practice. I didn't know why they would debut such a young kid who wasn't ready. And from then on, every time you made a mistake or whenever you argued with me, everything just felt that many times worse," said Leeteuk.

"But it's not like I asked for this - it just happened," I said, my eyes filling with tears again. "You were there when I found out. You know I didn't ask to be put on the team."

"It doesn't matter," said Leeteuk simply. "There was a time when all I could think about was, 'how do I get this kid off the team?' And the only way that it was going to happen was to have you quit and leave the team on your own. I mean, that day of your debut - I drank, but I had half a beer. I was sober, but I didn't stop Kangin because... because I was sure that you would leave the team after it happened."

At the same time that I didn't want to believe it, I wasn't shocked. "Do you still want me off the team?" I asked. Leeteuk paused.

"Truthfully, I wanted you off the team until this morning. As terrible as it is, I guess your doing this was necessary. You showed how far you're willing to go for a cause, and I guess there's value in that."

I bit my lip and asked the question that I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to. "What if I left the team tomorrow?" I asked, looking straight at Leeteuk. I saw Leeteuk shift in his seat.

"Honestly? I would be indifferent. I wouldn't care. but if you'd asked me the same question three days ago, I would have said that I would be happy to see you leave, so - "

I nodded, and looked away from Leeteuk and at the dark, peaceful river. He still didn't really think of me as part of the team.

"Okay," I said, tired. "What is it going to take for you to accept me?"

"I don't know," he admitted, closing his eyes. "But unfortunately, I don't think it's happening any time soon."

I buried my head in my hands. "Okay," I said. I looked up at Leeteuk. "Thanks for being honest. That's all I needed to know."

"For what?" asked Leeteuk, looking confused.

"To decide whether I was going to stay on the team," I said.

"You mean - you were going to leave the team?" asked Leeteuk, his eyes wide.

"Yes. You were right. I wanted to leave after that night of my debut stage." I'd learned everything I wanted to, so I didn't have to hide it anymore. "You were that close to success," I muttered.

Leeteuk looked bewildered for a second, then composed himself. "And what have you decided?" he asked.

"There are two scenarios here. One is that you're ready to accept me onto the team, in which case, it makes sense for me to stay on the team," I explained. "The other is that you won't, and I cause you a lot of grief - but in such a case, you deserve it. So, if only to give you a hard time with my presence, it still makes sense to stay on the team." I glanced at Leeteuk's expression. "I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'm sure you would have preferred that I left."

Leeteuk looked stunned at how bold I was, but then he nodded. "But the fact remains that you're the youngest and the newcomer, so you still have the responsibility to treat everyone else with respect."

"I understand," I said. I glanced at him, then asked the question that I so wanted Leeteuk to agree with. "But - but can I call you 'hyung'?"

Leeteuk thought for a few moments. "No," he concluded. "I'll be the one to let you know if I'm ready for that."

I felt an invisible wall pushing its way between Leeteuk and me. "Yes, sunbaenim." I got up from the table, but Leeteuk didn't make a move to leave. "Thank you for the food. I'll see you back at the dorm," I said.

"Hey - " said Leeteuk. He stopped and turned his gaze to the river, but I looked at him. After a while, he continued, but he looked pained. "I'll try to be a better leader. Regardless of everything we just talked about, no one should have to starve himself to be heard." I smiled a little and nodded. Then without saying anything else, I dragged my weak and tired body back to our apartment, the whole time wondering whether Leeteuk would start treating me differently.