I knew it.

     I knew I would shut down on my own.

     Na bad mood ako when we came back sa court kanina. I reasoned out na I was just sleepy kasi totoo naman, I was actually sleepy din. So imagine how happy I was when Rid became more attentive and more touchy to me because I was feeling sleepy and she wanted me to feel comfy. I actually thought of sleeping on her shoulder during the end of the game but I wanted to keep my promise with Rylee.

     Smiling suits him, sabi nga ni Gal, he’s very similar to me. Our smiley faces are our best faces daw.

     I can’t disagree though, everytime na nakaka 3 points si Rye eh, ang lawak lang nung smile niya. Even Ning is impressed with Rylee kasi kahit hindi pa siya ganun katangkad, he’s one of the best players during the whole game.

     Pero ayun nga, yung pagka bad mood ko, bumalik ulit and nadagdagan lalo. I didn’t tell Gal about it, I didn’t want her to worry but it looks like I did the exact opposite of what I wanted. I was keeping things to myself and I didn’t even realize na what I was doing was shutting them out not until umalis si Gal kanina when we were in her room.

     I think she’s having it worse than me.

     Imagine shutting out the person that loves you when they’re trying to understand you. That was y of me, I know. Wag niyo na ipamukha sa akin. Lalo lang akong nagguilty.

     Ramdam na ramdam ko pa yung simple things na she did for me while I was out of myself.

     She turned the AC on for me, she closed the door behind her so no one could see us, she wiped the sweat building up on my forehead, she kept talking to me even if I didn’t talk back and she didn’t even double think of hugging me. At least on the first time.

     I don’t really know why I wasn’t able to tell her anything earlier but I clearly know the reason why I’m being like this.

     Ang babaw lang Cat. Ang petty mo.

     Aware naman ako na nasa house na ako ngayon. Ning dropped me off at napakiusapan nila yung tricycle na sinakyan namin na idaan muna ako before going to her house. Mas malapit kasi siya kayna Gal. She even told me earlier na si Gal naman daw yung nagbayad ng ride namin kaya okay lang if extra yung ibibigay namin kay Kuya.

     Even with Ning, I barely told her any words ng umuwi kami. All she got were hums and small yes’s but she was still catering with me. She still gave me smiles whenever our eyes would meet and she even made sure na I entered our gate kanina before she left. While me, I was still silent. She’s really one of a kind.

     When I went up I saw a small note by the table, umalis daw sina Mommy to meet with a friend and may cooked dinner na daw kami sa stove, reheat nalang. I could tell na maski si Ate hindi pa bumababa from her room. Rest day kasi, maybe catching up with her hobbies and stuff.

     I didn’t feel hungry kaya I didn’t bother to look kung anong food namin. I could always cook chicken noodles naman if I don’t feel like eating kung anong iniwan nila. I’m still feeling ty as , maybe because I still feel tired and mostly because of what I did with Gal.

     I shouldn’t have been like that with her. I should’ve tried communicating with her, give her even just a hum but I did nothing.

     I ing did nothing.

     Stupid stupid Cat.

     Stupid ing insecurities.

     Funny right? They say I’m a pretty girl and there’s nothing else missing from me, but there is.

     Hindi lang nila alam. Ako lang ang may alam.

     Ako lang ang naaapektuhan and worse, moments like this happen. The people I love get affected too.

     I can stop thinking of Winter’s not so discreet looks at me earlier. I wasn’t paying attention to her but I knew that she kept looking at me. Eyes full and overflowing of worry, concern and pain.

     She looked hurt while looking at me.

     I made her feel pain because of how I was acting.

     Wala eh, I couldn’t speak. No matter how I tried, parang nasa lalamunan ko yung heart ko and one word would make me crumble apart. I know that I could crumble apart in her arms but I didn’t want to burden her. At least not this early into our relationship, and alam ko. Yun yung mali ko.

     Pinili kong hindi magpaka-vulnerable sa harap niya and look where it got me. Heart heavy, mind confused and body tired.

     Maybe I should just sleep. Parang dati, I’ll just sleep it off. Sleeping always works. I got me here, I got us here so I should suffer because I did this. I should feel twice the pain I’m giving her because I didn’t even try to be a good girlfriend to her. I did this. Alone. All by myself.

     I wasn’t that shocked when I realized where my body took me, I’m in front Ate’s door. I opened it slowly just to let her know that I’m here na.

     ‘Ate’ I heard a subtle hum. She’s using her Ipad while she’s on her bed. Pati ba naman si Ate aabalahin ko. ‘Tabi tayo’ I barely got that out. I could feel my own throat closing in on me. Like I was choking on my own words.

     Narinig naman ako ni Ate at tinitigan. Ang dilim sa room niya, only her desk light is open. ‘Eh, mas malaki ka pa nga sa akin’ she rebutted. I could only gulp because I thought ayaw niya na andito ako right now sa kwarto niya. Really Cat? You’ll bother even your own sister?

     I was about to say my apologies and just go to my room when she shuffled around her bed, sitting by the edge while eyeing me. I couldn’t see her clearly but I could feel her gentle stare. As if she was already scanning what was wrong with me. ‘Problem?’ I nodded my head.

     She shuffled back to her initial position, offering me the space beside her with open arms and open comforter. Baka presence lang ni Ate ang need ko right now. ‘Anyare?’ she asked while I was settling beside her. I didn’t answer her. Even I don’t know what to answer.

     ‘Pag may kailangan ka, tell me.’ ‘Matutulog ka na ba Ate?’ I really don’t want to come in between of anything she’s doing but my inner child is only calling for my Ate’s touch. ‘Di pa, I’m watching kdrama oh, wanna join?’ umungot ako bago sumiksik sa kaniya. I’ll be fine here. Ate could always bring me comfort no one else could.

     ‘Sige, mag earphones nalang ako’ I let out a big sigh before relaxing on her hold. I sometimes wonder how it feels to be the panganay but I do think na it suits my Ate the best. Between the two of us, it suits her the best.

     ‘Everything will be fine Cat. I’m sure of it’

     What is love? Not the song by Twice.

     Ask yourself, what is love? Is it an emotion? A feeling? Is it a phenomenon, an act, a person, a built-in system