3 weeks, it took me 3 weeks to pursue myself into thinking na tama nga, I think it’s finally time.

     During the first three weeks of October, I had one thing in mind; ‘Sure na ba ako?’

     Kasi I know na kapag ginawa ko to, there’s no going back to whatever it is I will cross. A wall’s going to be built behind me and I could only move forward after it. It’s a two-person job so where I’m going to be heading after I cross the line would be determined once I know her answer.

     And sa totoo lang ha, napakahirap at frustrating, time demanding, confusing and doubtful nung past 3 weeks na dinaanan ko.

     I questioned everything.

     I questioned my actions, my moves, my own thoughts, even myself,

     But I never questioned how much I liked Winter.

     Even her, she’s been wary of me being in a constant trance of haze and confusion kahit hindi kami magkasama.

     Kapag we’re together pa nga, she’s been very attentive with me.

     At one time I asked her if I was being weird na ba and she just told me na,

     ‘Hindi naman, para ka lang may regla palagi’ which could’ve triggered me to be honest, pasalamat siya good mood ako nun at dinalhan niya ako ng dalawang garapon ng stick-o just for me.

     I even think na I glared at her during that moment kasi naaalala ko pa kung paano natakot yung itsura niya for a split second. Hindi niya nga na-anticipate na I was going to kiss her cheek as a thank you kaya for sure, as much as I was confused for the past few days, siya din nung moment na yun eh naguguluhan sa nangyayari.

     She stayed though. Even after I kissed her fluffy and sweaty cheek, even after I asked for some alone time kasi I had to review for some exams, after I lashed out on her, after I told her not to go home yet and even if I fell asleep earlier than her kasi nga- it really has been very draining for me.

     Only food, sleep or her could reenergize me within minutes and I had it worse kapag on-site classes kami for the week.

     Kahit si Gi nagworry na for me but I told her na I was fine, ‘Just thinking about something’ was always my answer, and she’ll never fail to let me know na she’s there and the same’s with Ning din daw. Syempre they’re my best friends, I knew they were there for me but I tried my best to keep this whole thing with me and not with anybody else.

     Yes, there were still times na I wasn’t able to hold back and talk with them pero I never specified things kaya grabe lang din yung pagpipigil nilang dalawa na magtanong ng kung ano ano at lahat ng nasasabi ko were so vague.

     Ganun ko kagusto masigurado na what I want to happen, is really what I want to do deep within me.

     Does it make sense? Does love really have to make sense?

     Kasi sabi ni Ate Rene, it doesn’t always have to.

     Natatanga pa nga daw tayo kapag nagmamahal. And I could relate to it.

     There’s was this one time that I think I became unreasonable with Winter.

     We were casually talking thru chat when I started asking her the questions I thought of throughout the day, some were random, some were trivial, in the end everything was about her.

     She answered the first ones effortlessly, even dropping some added side stories on why her answers were like that but when I asked her things like ‘Do you think your parents like me?’ or ‘Have you ever thought you’ll like me’ She started avoiding it. (Of course she would, ang tanga kasi nung mga tanong mo Cat)

     She kept throwing questions back at me and eventually we got out of the whole railway we were taking earlier. And that triggered something within me that I didn’t even know was there.

     'Winter,' 'You're making me feel invalidated.'

     I clearly told her that through chat and I only realized it when I saw that she already seen my chat. I was about to take back what I said pero naunahan na niya ako, my phone started vibrating and there she was, calling me to probably hear my voice kasi as she said, she could always sense a person’s mood based on their voice.

     Napalunok nalang ako at tumikhim bago ko siya sinagot.

     It wasn’t a video call kaya we couldn’t see each other but I can already imagine that she’s trying her best to visualize how I look right now. She has always been the kind to be wary of the people around her and it shows until now.

     I guess I’m still not a pro when it comes to the whole communication thing because I think what I just did was full on bluntness and not really trying to talk it out with the other person. My sudden flame of annoyance was now being blown out by disappointment with how I didn’t even know what I was doing in the first place.

     'Sorry'

     No, I wasn’t the one who said that. It was her.

     I heard her apologetic voice, the one that always appears when I somehow find myself angry at her.

     I’ve been