“Luhan?” Yifan asked tentatively, the boy perking up in response. “Are you… alright?”

Luhan gave himself a once over, furrowing his brow in confusion. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Yifan gave him a skeptical look. “Uh… Well, to begin with- you’re doused from head to toe in glitter. You also happen to be covered in little plastic white, blue, and yellow bits. Plus, you’re awake at 8am.”

“Oh, that’s a funny story. So what happened was-”

~~~~~~~

Jonghyun prides himself on how heavy a sleeper he is, considering how he once slept through Jinki's ritualistic (although reluctant) sacrifice of PINee - the pineapple bag - in a desperate last ditch effort for fried chicken (don’t forget to include his roommates’ with four dogs and a snake) but if there was one thing Jonghyun learned to always be alert for - even in slumber - it was Luhan. There was something about Luhan that made Jonghyun want to put on a jockstrap (probably his resemblance to Jonghyun’s little sister) and it only took a few incidents of Jonghyun getting woken up by itching powder in the earballs to learn that the moment the scent of diapers and the overwhelming sense of lingering bloodthirst entered his senses, Luhan was near, and he needed to either run away or stay on high ing alert.

Which is why, when Jonghyun’s Stupid Senses started tingling in the middle of the night in his own ing house, he got kind of confused.

That is, until he heard a scream ring through the night.

“BAN-CAAAAAKE”

“ing hell.” Jonghyun heard someone hiss.

Then there was the sound of something hitting Jonghyun’s desk, and another grunt of “OKAYYYY”

“Luhan?” Jonghyun asked, recognizing the voice of the person ing around with George.

“Whaaattttt who’s Luhan?? I’m. Uh. Testosterhun.” The voice said, suddenly two octaves lower than before.

Flicking on a lamp next to his bed, Jonghyun could make out Luhan’s familiar features (that struck terror in his enemies’ hearts) in the dim light.

“Luhan?”

“Excuse you, I think you mean Testosterhun.”

“I guess you couldn’t get past my George, huh.” Jonghyun said smugly with his arms crossed, mentally patting himself on the back. He knew the McDonald’s Happy Meal toy wouldn’t go to waste.

Luhan smirks in return, grabbing George the guard minion and throwing it against the wall hard, the toy sputtering one last ‘ban-caake’ before silencing forever.

“ YOU THOUGHT”

“GEOOOOOOOOORGE MY POOR BABYYY LUHAN YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER”

“I'M JUST GETTING STARTED YOU ”

“Y U DO DIS”

“MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE A LITTLE ER WHO-”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT TOO! I’M SORRY I TOOK YOUR PEN, OKAY? NOW LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE”

“LOL OKAY”

“WAIT REALLY?”

“ NO YOU THOUGHHTTTTT”

“GEORGE WAS ONE OF THE DEAREST PEOPLE TO ME, AND NOW YOU’VE RUTHLESSLY MURDERED HIM IN COLD BLOOD.”

“Oh. I. That’s actually kind of… sad. I-I’m s-ss-sor-sorr-”

Jonghyun sighed. “It’s okay Luhan. I accept your apology”

“OH AWESOME. IN THAT CASE” Luhan leaped over the bed and ripped Jonghyun’s bedsheets off him, cold air brushing past Jonghyun’s family jewels as he panicked, trying to hide his pajamas.

“WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE?!” Luhan nearly screamed, eyes bugging out as he proceeded to turn on his phone flashlight to see the pajamas better, snapping a few pictures in the process.

“DON’T LOOK AT ME!” Jonghyun shouted, pushing Luhan’s phone away from his outfit, accidentally knocking the camera’s focus to his face.

“OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAAAAAAT?!” Luhan screamed again, taking another medley of photos.

“STOP SCREAMING GODDAMNIT!”

“BUT YOU’RE DRESSED LIKE A ING ELF AND YOUR FACE- OH MY GOD YOUR FACE!”

“IT’S A FACE MASK OKAY NOT EVERYONE CAN BE GRACED WITH NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL SKIN, DEAR GOD!” (heh deer god)

“BUT YOU’RE ALSO DRESSED LIKE A ING ELF!”

“MY GRANDMA GAVE ME THESE OKAY?”

“AND YOU ING WEAR THEM?”

“THEY MAKE ME FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE, OKAY?”

“WHY THE DO YOU NEED TO FEEL SAFE AND COMFORTABLE IF IT MEANS YOU NEED TO LOOK LIKE A ING ELF?”

“OH, I DON’T KNOW!” Jonghyun screamed in retaliation, pretending to think it over. “MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE PEOPLE BUSTING INTO MY HOUSE LATE AT NIGHT AND BREAKING MY PROPERTY!”

“IT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T RETURN MY ING PEN!”

“STOP BEING A LITTLE , LUHAN!”

“DON’T CALL ME A , !”

“I’LL CALL YOU A IF I WANNA CALL YOU A , !”

“OH, IS THAT HOW IT’S GONNA BE, ?”

“YEAH ”

“FINE. I’LL JUST SEND THESE PHOTOS TO EVERYONE IN THE SCHOOL!”

“WAIT NO NO NOOOOO PLEASE I’M SORRY DON’T DO THAT KIBUM WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN!”

“YOU GONNA STOP STEALING MY PENS THEN, ?”

“I DIDN’T STEAL IT THOUGH!”

“I AM TEN SECONDS AWAY FROM SENDING-”

“FINE, FINE, I’LL STOP, I’M SORRY!”

“ THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. NOW I’M GONNA LEAVE, AND YOU’RE GONNA ING REMEMBER I HAVE THESE PICTURES AND YOU’RE NEVER GONNA TRY ME AGAIN, OKAY JONGHYUN?”

“OKAY I WON’T!”

Luhan smirked, ripping the sheets off as he flung his legs over the bed, standing and having his foot almost immediately collide with something hard. He barely had time to react before he went toppling down and onto the floor, screaming in pain as he rolled around, clutching his toe as he screamed profanities.

“A-Are you alright?” Jonghyun asked meekly, peeking his head from over the bed.

“WHY IN S NAME IS YOUR FLOOR COVERED IN GLITTER?” Luhan screamed, sputtering the substance from his mouth.

“Safety precaution?”

“ YOU, THIS, KIBUM, GEORGE, EVERYTHING IN THIS HOUSEHOLD, IT ALL.” Luhan screamed as he grabbed handfuls of glitter (and small remnants of what was once the minion toy) and threw them at Jonghyun, huffing one last time before he left through Jonghyun’s window.

~~~~~~~

Yifan grimaced as he redirected his gaze back to the book he was reading.

“We should really get you a hobby.” he muttered as Luhan took the seat across from him. Yifan looked up hesitantly.

“How do you feel about 3-D puzzles?”

A/N:

HAHAHAAAA
HELLO you! IS YOUR DAY GOING WELL? I HOPE IT IS. IF NOT, YOU'VE BEEN GRACED BY CRAZY MURDEROUS LUHAN WHO WILL DESTROY ANYTHING THAT IS UPSETTING YOU!

(IN SPIRIT BECAUSE IF A PERSON IS UPSETTING YOU, THEN DESTROYING THEM WILL PROBABLY BE BAD. DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH THEY UPSET YOU THAT IS. JUST KIDDING, I DON'T ENDORSE MURDER. YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET I SAID ANY OF THIS).
IT IS CURRENTLY 4:22AM AS I WRITE THIS (ALAS, 2 MINUTES TOO LATE FOR COOKIE BAKING) AND THE STORY IS TO COME TO AN END SOON. *CREI*
IT'S ALMOST THE ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY WE BEGAN WRITING TOO STUPID TO BE CUPID, AND THIS STORY HAS BECOME SOMEWHAT OF A METAPHORICAL BRAIN CHILD OF OURS (does this make sense? it's 4am. everything makes sense to me)
WE'RE REALLY HAPPY THAT SO MANY OF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO GO ON THIS JOURNEY WITH US, EVEN THROUGH ALL THE BAD UNNECESSARY ANGST THAT WE DIDN'T REALIZE CAME UP SO MUCH
I'M GETTING A LOT OF FEELS AND THIS IS JUST SOMETHING I DON'T THINK WE TELL YOU ENOUGH
WE'RE VERY THANKFUL FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU WHO ARE WILLING TO GO THROUGH THIS WORD VOMIT EVERY WEEK AND WE LOVE YOU AAALLLLLL! FROM THE READERS WHO COMMENT ACTIVELY TO THE ONES WHO DON'T, TO THE ONES WHO STARTED THIS FIC FROM THE BEGINNING AND THE ONES WHO SUBSCRIBED JUST YESTERDAY- YOU'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL LITTLE HUMAN BEINGS AND WE <3 U

-byunsbaekery

lol petition to make byunsbaekery stop writing things at ungodly hours in the morning aND ACTUALLY SLEEP
i had to edit her A/N okay (she didn't edit it that much) 
and she totally endorses murder, just not outwardly like me. like... i guess byunsbaekery is a closeted murder endorser? is that a thing? can that be a thing? it should be a thing. let's add making closeted murder endorsers a thing to the petition
but yeah apparently it's customary to actually give stories an end (like ew endings amiright who came up with that rule and can we stop that in the petition?)
anyways, the point is we absolutely love all of y'all and the fact that, like, 200 of you are willing to read this actually blows our minds
lol i don't think my mind has completely wrapped around ending this story yet or i really wouldn't be this chill
anywhoodles, let's all start a cult and be friends etc
(ew friends)
(friends bake cookies at 4:20am because why the goddamn not)
(i'm still bitter over that)
(i could've gotten sleep)
(but nooooo let's all make sure texturedjeans doesn't sleep so we can witness the ing apocolypse that hAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T LET TEXTUREDJEANS SLEEP EVEN AFTER SHE THREATENS TO STAB YOU WITH A SAFETY PIN BECAUSE SLEEP IS IMPORTANT CHILDREN .)
(aaaaannyways i feel like i've overstayed my virtual welcome for this a/n soooo)

<3 <3 <3 you baby baby

~texturedjeans