After all his years of knowing Luhan, Yifan would like to announce that it was a ing miracle that he’s found someone more hopeless than the other cupid.

“Tao.”

“Okay but like hear me out,”

“You had one job.”

“Yes I get that but like-”

“How the did you IT UP??”

“Hushhhh let’s not get murderous just yet. Remember those breathing exercises your therapist showed you? Yes let’s try those maybe they’ll help follow after me hoo hoo hee hee hoo hee-”

“Those are for pregnant women.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Tao,” Yifan enunciated, a vein in his forehead pulsing dangerously. “I gave you one job. Your job was to stand, tO ING STAND IN FRONT OF THIS PERSON WHO, MIND YOU, HAS BEEN MOMENTARILY IMMOBILIZED BY A LOVE ARROW, AND BE THE FIRST THING HE SEES AFTER HE GETS SHOT. WHY. WAS. THAT. SO. HARD. FOR. YOU.”

“Okay but like…” Tao trailed off as he studied the vein in Kris’s forehead further, the vein turning various colours of the rainbow. He tried to stifle a laugh. “Kris a vein in your forehead is turning-”

“YES. IT TURNS PSYCHEDELIC COLOURS. IT DOES THAT OKAY IT’S A CUPID THING. NOW EXPLAIN WHY YOU ARE SO INEPT THAT STANDING HAS BECOME A CHALLENGE"

"Okay, first off, rude. Second, it wasn't even my fault! Look, it was- okay I can't take you and your psychedelic vein seriously"

"HUANG ZITAO!" the elder boy yelled, slapping his hands on the younger's cheeks. "FOCUS! THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME YOU'VE PULLED THIS ON ME."

"Yeah, okay but it really wasn't my fault! I mean, the first time, there was some weirdo lugging a penguin home. The second time, there were people skinny dipping in the school fountain. And another time, someone started giving out condoms with Jonghyun's face on them, which is ing awesome because that boy is a hoe that's ing thirsty for pens like I swear he ‘borrowed’ an entire pack of my nice glittery gel pens before, and then there was that other time when I caught this weirdo punching people out in the face shop. Really, I don't think I'm the one you should be concerned about here."

Yifan sighed, burying his face in his hands. "Then what the happened this time?"

"Oh, I bumped into my friend. He was being followed by these people. One of them called me a 'sleep deprived child molester panda'. Or something like that."

"Who the calls people sleep deprived child molester pandas?"

"The same kind of people who like buying matching onesies I guess."

"I'm beginning to question who you choose to spend your time with."

"Well, in my defense, the last time I saw Sehun, he was perfectly norm-"

"I'm sorry, who?" Yifan asked, eyes bugging out as his expression turned serious.

"S-Sehun?" Tao repeated tentatively.

"Oh Sehun?" the boy asked, stepping closer, tall frame looming over Tao's.

"Gege, you're starting to scare me."

“ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION MAGGOT, IS YOUR FRIEND A LOSER HUMAN CALLED OH SEHUN OR NOT?”

“Maggot? How dare y-”

“I swear to god Tao. You see this?” Yifan asked, holding up his bow. “You see this bow? I’m not even gonna shove an arrow up your anymore. I’m. Shoving. This entire godforsaken BOW UP YOUR PUNY IF YOU DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION.”

“The rainbow veins are multiplying gege, you might want to get that checked out.”

"I don't need to get that checked ou-"

"Come on gege let's go get that checked out," Tao said through gritted teeth, already lugging Yifan out the door and towards the hospital.

~~~~~

A half hour later found Yifan running for his life - clothed in a skimpy white hospital gown with Tao hot on his heels - from a hospital where Tao forcibly checked him in for an aneurysm.