On that day, I decided not to waste every day, every hour, every minute nor every seconds with Yoochun as we faced the battle for his life. His condition isn’t a joke but a serious one. Yoochun decided to stay at my place as we agreed that we would help him. Still, mother went to his job at the convenience store just near my place while I tried to do some chores and helped Yoochun every time he felt pain in his body. There were times that were difficult for me and it became less when mother was off from her job. We went to hospital twice every week for Yoochun’s treatment and also, for my check-up. Its already three weeks had passed and I’m on my last trimester. Time flew very fast as I always wished to slow it down.

One day when we were left alone, Yoochun and I had a conversation about how I left him. He teased me very much as I was so pissed at him secretly. I just laughed at it every time he open up that kind of topic until…

“Kioko, what will you do if I’ll die?” he asked in a surprised that caught me into nervousness.

In my head, I don’t want to talk about that but it also came into my mind on what shall I do if Yoochun dies. “Honestly, I don’t know.” I answered.

“Why you don’t know?”

“Because, I’m hoping that you’ll get better.”

Yoochun smiled at me and said, “I don’t wanna die either. For the months that we lost, I want to fill it up with joy… together with our baby.”

“You will not die. Just have faith.” I said and held his hand.

Yoochun felt comfortable but every time I held or felt his body, he lost some weight for three weeks. Every time he undergo for treatment, I honestly don’t want to see him cried because of pain but I kept my courage for him. It wasn’t so simple with this kind of illness.

“By the way, I haven’t seen my brother for almost a month. Where is he?” Yoochun asked me out of the blue.

The last time I saw T.O.P. was the day that I told them that Yoochun has an illness. I knew that he couldn’t accept what he heard from me. “I don’t know where he is right now. What he needs now is time.” I answered.

Yoochun’s eyes were so worried… worried for his brother who went missing… not missing but didn’t show himself to us. I knew Yoochun wanted to see his brother but T.O.P. never answered my messages since Yoochun went home with us at my place. Yoochun called his father about his brother whereabouts and also his father didn’t know. Yoochun instructed his men to find his brother. And suddenly, Yoochun moaned because of pain and I hurried getting his medicines and helped him relieved though I knew I can’t relieve it but only my faith and courage can helped him in this situation. As Yoochun was crying for pain, my heart was stabbed by knife a hundred times seeing him like that. I wanted to cry but I kept on stopping it just to show him that I was brave enough in this kind of situation. Yoochun told me to let him be because it might give me stressed to my baby but I ignored him and tried to calm him. I gave him his medicine and drank while his still in pain. My hands got cold and shaking, flashing with a thought that Yoochun will die but I kept on erasing it in my mind. I said to myself that there’s no space for weakness so I strengthen up my will and courage. Yoochun curled up on the couch because the pain hasn’t subsided yet and inside of me I was in panic. Suddenly, the doorbell rang but I ignored it as I kept my focus for Yoochun. The doorbell kept on ringing that made me annoyed while Yoochun was crying of pain. I ran to the door, opened it, and T.O.P. ran through me. He went to Yoochun and carried him to the room. I followed them and T.O.P. asked me about some things when or what time did this happen.

“Ten minutes before you came.” I answered.

T.O.P. asked me if he took his medicine and I answered yes then he held his hand to his brother and said.

“Look at me brother… just look at me and grip my hand. Never let go your sight at me.” T.O.P. said. “Don’t let the pain overwhelm your body. Fight it.” T.O.P. encouraged him.

Yoochun wanted to smile that he saw his brother but he can’t as the pain kept on bugging him. My heart was really broke when I saw them trying to fight. I went outside the room because my knees got weak, my body was trembling and my mind was full of tragic thoughts. I sat on the couch, feeling my heart beats so fast and without thinking, I just cried. I covered my face with my hands trying not to give a sound. My thoughts were clouded with tragic situation like Yoochun died. It gave me a scare though I always faced this kind of situation when he cried because of pain. Suddenly, T.O.P.’s hand touched my right shoulder as he said.

“He’s okay now. The pain subsided.”

It was a good thing that Yoochun has finally overcome that pain but the pain in my heart drove me crazy. I don’t know what to do every time he cried and I was there, watching, thinking of different things.

“Are you alright?” T.O.P. asked.

“It’s too obvious that I am not.” I answered sarcastically.

T.O.P. sat on the couch and he started talking. “I’m sorry if I left for two weeks…”

“No, three weeks.” I interrupted.

“Alright, three weeks. Honestly, I don’t know how to cope up with the things that I heard about my brother. It was too sudden and I know that this kind of illness…”

T.O.P. stopped when he thought about the illness that I already knew what’s going to happen. “I don’t want to lose hope yet. As long as he lives, there’s always hope.” I said.

My eyes were still teary and T.O.P. was kind of a silent. We were shocked or surprised about this but what else can we do… just have faith. I don’t want to conclude it because I knew how it will ends with acute myeloid leukemia but, there’s still time for us to fight and live. With enough thoughts, I stood up and went inside the room. Yoochun was sound asleep and when I looked at him, it’s like he didn’t feel the pain or it just doesn’t happened. I the air conditioner and fixed his blanket then I kissed his forehead before I left the room.

“T.O.P. where are you?” I was looking for him because he wasn’t there at the living room. I went to the kitchen area and there he was, cooking for lunch.

“I know you didn’t eat yet so I cooked.” He said.

“You always knew if I ate or not.”

“Yeah! You’re the type of person who missed lunch time.” He said.

I chuckled as he always remembered that. I went to the counter and he suddenly stopped me and said, “I’ll do the cooking. You better rest and wait for the food to be cook… just like a queen.” He laughed.

“Okay.”

T.O.P. was good at cooking and he amazed me with his homemade dishes. If I were not pregnant then I saw myself like a pig. I sat on the stool while he does the cooking and started to ask him what happened to him after he left my place.

“I went somewhere far. To calm myself, gathering courage for my brother. Then, after how many days, I went to father and I gave him the details for Yoochun’s treatment. The hospital that you went, it was all my research where to have good treatments. The physician who took care of my brother’s case is the best oncologist in this country.”

With all those days or weeks that he was gone, he already knew what to do and helped us. T.O.P. talked to that physician about Yoochun’s condition that’s why he was so glad to help us. Their father also arranged the sessions and financial stuffs for Yoochun’s treatment. Their family was still hoping for him to be cured.

“Yoochun and I were so worried about you. We didn’t know where you went and he instructed his men to search for you before he was crying for pain.” I said.

“But, the thing is, I’m already here. I want my brother to get well.” T.O.P. said.

Even though they weren’t so close to each other, they didn’t forget that they’re family. Their father was this soft and I can’t imagine that he wanted to lose their money but not his son. I remembered that Yoochun told me that he was so envious about T.O.P.’s freedom and knowing that, deep inside, Yoochun wanted to have the same freedom as T.O.P. because he wanted to be loved by his father. Actually, Yoochun didn’t understand that yet because he was still young. And now, when Yoochun wanted to look for T.O.P., there’s the value in his heart to be called love.

“Done!” T.O.P. was so happy that he was done cooking. He served the food on the counter and he gave me a plate and, spoon and fork. I took a bite of his fresh cooked chopsuey.

“It’s… yucky!” I teased.

“What!!! I doubt that because you always like to eat my own cooked chop suey.” He screamed.

I can’t hold it so I laughed. “I was joking!”

Honestly, I missed T.O.P. … he’s always with me and made me laugh. Everyday, I depend on him ‘coz I am used to it that he’s always here at my place. It was too perfect for us to be happy but… nothing’s perfect in this world. The only thing in my mind right now is to continue living with … Yoochun.