The doctor confirmed that I was pregnant and it was already 5-weeks-old. I was happy to hear the good news however; my fears took over my emotions. This was the product of our love, Yoochun and I, but how can I make it right, after I left him without a word. My mind was confused if I should let Yoochun know or leave it be. I told my mother when I got home from the hospital and she was so happy to hear the good news then she suddenly asked me if the baby was Yoochun’s.

“Yes, mother.”

“Will you tell him?” mother asked.

“I don’t know. I am afraid to speak with him.” I answered.

“You should have to face his anger Kioko and besides, he has the right on your baby.”

I was brainstorming on what to do but my fear really took over. It was only a month and few weeks had passed then it took some guts to call and tell him that he has a baby with me. My mind won’t accept it and my heart would break again after I tried to move on slowly. I don’t know what to decide but in my heart that was afraid to feel the pain again, it tells me not to let Yoochun know.

“So, you are pregnant.” T.O.P. said.

I was surprised when he blurted out from nowhere while I was brainstorming on the sofa trying to decide.

“How did you get inside?” I asked.

“Oh come one! Didn’t you hear the doorbell? Your mother opened the door for me and I saw you sitting and spacing out.” He told.

“I am thinking…”

“You are thinking whether to tell my brother or not, am I right?” T.O.P. caught me.

I nodded then he stood and went to the kitchen area. When he came back, he brought two cups of tea and he gave one to me while he gave me some advices. There were things that he said were true but I kept my ears deaf because I don’t want to follow it. He wanted me to tell Yoochun about the baby but I disagree because I don’t know how to face his anger. Yes, I am a coward not because I am afraid that it would hurt me but I’m afraid that the man that I love so much would despised me from what I did to him. The right thing to do was the correct way but I chose to keep it by myself.

“I’m sorry, I won’t tell your brother.” I cut him through from his advices.

“What? The baby needs a father and how can you explain about his or her father?” T.O.P. asked me.

I was thinking about that situation on how could I explain to my baby when he or she asked me that. Then, I thought of something that would solve that situation. I looked at T.O.P. and his face was like a question mark that was waiting for an answer. I suddenly smiled then a few moment, he got what I meant from my smile.

“NO!” he exclaimed.

“Why you can’t?” I asked.

“I can’t lie to my future nephew or niece!” he answered.

“But please T.O.P., be a father to my baby.”

“No, Kioko. I can’t do this. My brother will kill me if he knew about that.” He said.

“Then, we’ll not let him know and show him that we’ve got married and have a child when that day comes.” I said on my unlikely plan.

“NO!”

T.O.P. shouted and he went out slamming the door. That was the only way that I thought on how to escape from the reality. I don’t have the right to be with Yoochun again and maybe today, he got married with Tiffany. My mother came at to me and she asked me why T.O.P. was mad but I didn’t give her an answer. I just went to my room and rest.

It was dim when I woke up and went out from my room. Mother was cooking our food for dinner and I prepared the table for us. Mother didn’t say any word not even asking me why T.O.P. was angry when he left. I the T.V. and to The Filipino Channel, as I wanted to know what happened to our country. Mother served the food and we started to eat while watching the news. There was nothing new in our country so I focused on my food.

“Kioko, no matter what you decide for you baby, I will respect it. But if will keep the truth from your child, sooner or later, your child will know.” Mother pointed out.

I didn’t answer as she tried to warn me about what would I do for my baby’s future. Maybe T.O.P. told her about my decision and my plan and mother seems disappointed. Mother took her plate as soon as she was finished and washed the dishes. I put my plate on the sink and I wanted to help but the situation told me not to… maybe it was my instinct that my mother was upset. I let her be and went to the sofa, watching the news.

A news caught my eyes and ears. It was about Yoochun’s success and his upcoming project in England. Maybe it was talking about T.O.P.’s dealing the project instead of Yoochun and the media don’t know about it. The media interviewed Yoochun about why he let his brother handled the project and he only gave a shallow reason. I knew why because he doesn’t want to see me. He was mad at me and don’t want to see and who would like to see a person who left you without any explanation. As I wanted to turn off the TV, the media asked him about his upcoming marriage with Tiffany and… and… and it broke my heart.

They were getting married after the project was done as what he told to the media. But, they were already engaged and the date was set for their wedding. I turned off the TV and ran to my room. I felt the pain in my heart again and I cried so much. Yoochun won’t still forgive me from what I had done and it serves me right. I broke his heart very much and who am I to tell him to come back with me because of our baby. It doesn’t sounds well and the more he would get mad at me. It was too late to tell him why I decided to leave him and no matter how I explain to him, it doesn’t have any used… or as to say, no validity. If Yoochun can’t forgive me and be with me then I only have one precious life that I carry that would remind me of him and that would be our baby.

I decided to focus on my baby’s life and give him or her all my love that I never gave to my man. Instead of giving all my love to him, I would give it to my precious baby. The moment my baby will come out from my womb, I won’t tell about the man whom supposed to call him dad. No more time to bother Yoochun’s life and we already took different ways. I know I would be happy with my baby and he would be happy for his married life and have family of his own. It’s up to me to raise my child and this would lead me to another life.

Mother knocked on my door asking me if I was okay and I assured her that I am okay. She wanted to get inside my room but she didn’t and leaves me. I my laptop and created my very first blog posting my very memorable day, the day that I am pregnant. I decided it this way just to share how happy I am and how I did well in my pregnancy and at the same time, mothers who were also bloggers would give me some advices. I dressed up and went out to buy new clothes and mother was asking me where I’m going. I smiled and said, “To start a new life.” And then I left.

I bought some pregnancy wardrobes and shoes when the time comes that my baby is 5-months-old. The excitement took away my worries, the pain, and fears that I felt before. It was good to choose a new life and knowing that it would be beautiful together with my baby. I went to the park, standing near the fountain and toss a coin, wishing for happiness for me and for my baby, that there would be no danger on us. It was like I celebrated my new life and be a mother. Honestly, I was excited to be a mother, and experienced how to take care and love my child. Being a single parent was difficult but it was my choice to raise my baby alone and I know that I can.

As soon I enjoyed my night, I went back to my apartment and T.O.P. appeared out of the blue. He was sad as I can see through his eyes.

“What happened?” I curiously asked.

He looked at me for a few seconds then he changed his facial expression. “Nothing. I was upset about what you had told me this afternoon but…”

“It’s alright T.O.P., I decided to raise my child alone.” I interjected.

I was surprised when he suddenly hugged me.

“From now on, you are not alone.” He said.

“What do you mean?”

“I decided to be the father of your child.”