The weekend had been there before Sehun was ready for it. Normally he really liked weekends because it meant he could see his boyfriend. But… He still had a confession to make and it was eating him up. He still didn’t know how to tell Luhan about all of this and he was pretty sure he was going to chicken out anyway.

The Chinese had come over on Saturday, after Sehun had picked him up from choir practice. Luhan had been quite surprised when not only Jongin had been standing outside the building and he had grinned at Sehun like he was the happiest person alive. Not that Sehun regretted making the other happy… It was just that maybe it hadn’t been his best idea to start picking his boyfriend up on the day he kind of planned on breaking up. Or maybe that part could wait a little since Luhan always stayed for the night.

His mum had forced them to eat food that would have been enough for a football team before they finally reached his room and Luhan flopped down on the bed and smiled at him.

“I missed your room…” he sighed while burying his nose in the pillow.

“Why? It’s messy…”

“Everything smells like you… I like it…” Oh… Okay… Well… Things were going great.

“I see…”

“Is everything okay?” The older sat back up and eyed him up.

“Sure… Why?”

“You’re still standing over there and I’m here in your bed… I still didn’t get my kiss even though I had to wait for a week and you seem… Different…”

“Sorry,” Sehun had to smile a little and walked over to give Luhan the long awaited kiss.

“That’s more like it… Now… lay down… Cuddling works better with two people… or at least that’s what I heard…” The teen only giggled at that before letting himself fall onto the Chinese who huffed. “You’re such a troll… I didn’t ask you to kill me…” But Sehun knew that his boyfriend wasn’t angry by the way he laughed and how his eyes crinkled a little. He still decided to roll off the other to make sure he’d stay alive a little longer.

“Better?”

“Much better,” Luhan sighed satisfied and snuggled up as close as he could. “May I ask why your hair is candy cotton pink?”

“I don’t know… I woke up a few days ago and it looked like this… I guess some elves cursed me or something,” Sehun grinned and pecked Luhan’s nose.

“Aren’t you funny today… No I mean it… Why candy cotton?”

“I don’t know? Because I love candy cotton? Honestly… I needed a haircut… And my mum didn’t really like the blond… But I loved it… So yeah… I thought she might allow it after this…”

“Ah… What did she say?”

“’I hope this is not your way of trying to get me to agree to you having your hair blond again. Because it’s not working’… So I guess my plan didn’t really work…”

“You could always try a pinker pink next time…”

“No thanks… That would be too pink…”

“But this candy cotton color thing is kind of cute on you!”

“Really?”

“Mhm… You look like a cute little candy cotton fairy,” Luhan smiled before pecking him.

“Thanks… I guess… This was a compliment, right?”

“Sure it was! How can fairies be an insult?”

“You have a point there… So… How was your week?”

“Nice… I met some new people… Because I can’t really go home anymore…”

“Why not?”

“Kris and Jongin’s sister… In our room… The whole day… And I don’t really want to know what they’re doing… So I just stay outside as long as possible… I found out that our library has super-fast internet and that there are always lots of people that can help me with my homework… Even some from China and it’s really nice to be able to translate stuff with them because this way I can make sure I really understood what I’ve been reading… And I met Joonmyun there… Yesterday… I always thought you needed to be in university to get into our library…”

“Joonmyun? What would he do there?”

“I guess he came to get some books, duh? I didn’t get to talk to him for long… He just saw me and said hi… And then he said something about being sorry and that he knows he is an idiot and then he left before I could say anything else… What would he apologize for?” Luhan furrowed his brow in concentration. “What did he do to you?”

“Joonmyun? Nothing!” Sehun cringed at how high his voice had gotten.

“Yeah… Exactly… Just tell me!”

“He… I… We… He…” This was not going the way Sehun had planned it. Not that Sehun had planned anything ahead. He just knew that this was not the way he wanted to talk about this.

“He and you what?”

“He confessed…” That wasn’t even a lie and it was a good start, right?!

“What?”

“His feelings?”

“So?”

“What?”

“I don’t see the problem…”

“Okay… My tutor tells me he likes me as more than just a friend and you don’t see a problem?”

“No, silly… Were you worried I’d be peeved because of that?”

“Kind of?” Luhan just laughed at him.

“Look, Sehun… I understand him… I really do… You’re nice and good-looking and you guise spend a lot of time together… But… I trust you, baby… So why would I have a problem with that?” Okay… No. This was definitely not going as planned. Luhan wasn’t supposed to tell him that he trusted him. He wasn’t to be trusted at the moment.

“But… Why?”

“Because I love you? And because a relationship without trust doesn’t work… And because I know that you’d never cheat on me… You’d tell me before going off to someone, right? And if we’re being honest… You still have that free pass… You could sleep with him once… Though I don’t think that would be a good idea considering he likes you…”

“Yeah… That would be a terrible idea…”

“Well… He’s kind of cute… You should have taken him before he told you… Now this chance is gone…”

“Too bad,” Sehun couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. Had Luhan just told him that it would be okay if he slept with Joonmyun? So technically he hadn’t done anything wrong yet.

“Actually… If I were you… I’d take Jongin…”

“WHAT?”

“You have a free pass… And Jongin’s hot… And… Have you never wondered what it would be like? I mean… You get to see him all sweaty at least four times a week, right?” The teen only nodded. “You take shower at school and the dance center, right?” He nodded again. “And you’re trying to tell me you don’t think he’s hot?!”

“Actually… Jongin is more like a brother… I’ve known him my whole life… And thinking about me and Jongin doing… stuff… Makes me kind of want to throw up… To be honest…”

“Too bad… I was hoping I could watch…”

“What?”

“What? Come on… You’re both hot… That must be quite a show…”

“You’re weird, Lu…”

“I’m just trying to find you someone to use your free pass on…”

“Why?”

“I don’t know… I kind of feel like… You’re a little distant ever since I mentioned it… So I want it out of the way…”

“I’ll think about it… When I use it…. Do you want to know?”

“Kind of… Yes… Like… I’d like to know it when it’s gone,” the Chinese snickered.

“No I mean… Do you want to know beforehand? And with who?”

“No… Please don’t… No… Just tell me when you used it… And then… We’re never going to talk about it again… I guess… Knowing who it was won’t really help…” Luhan gulped.

“You could always take it back… It seems like you don’t really like that idea…”

“No… I… I already told you it was okay… Just once… Maybe it would be better… That way… I… I wouldn’t have to worry so much…”

“Worry about what?”

“That you’ll want to sleep with someone else later on… Because you want to know of it’s different when it’s not me…”

“I might still wonder…”

“Yeah… But… At least you would have one guy to compare me to… Better than nothing, right?”

“I guess…”

“Sehun?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if I make you feel like… I don’t know… Like this is too much… or too fast… Or too… anything… I just… I can’t really remember what it’s like to be new to all of this… And… If you ever feel like… Like this is heading somewhere you don’t like… Or like it’s too much… Tell me, will you?”

“What would you do if it was too much?”

“I don’t know?” Luhan shook his head a little. “Maybe… Give us a break? Or whatever you would want…”

“Where is this coming from?”

“Lately… Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m losing you… Slowly but steadily… It’s like… The more I want to keep you the farther away you get… It’s like I can barely catch you anymore… And that’s why I wonder if maybe… If maybe I did something wrong… Or if maybe you just don’t love me anymore… But you’re just afraid to tell me… Or if maybe it just should not be… Or maybe I’m just imagining things… But I know that this is just me hoping for stuff that’s not true… And I was thinking about this a lot… If I should even talk about this… But… Well… We used to talk about everything so I thought… Maybe we should talk about this as well… Because I want to do this right… I don’t want you to stay just because you want me to be happy… I don’t want to see you wasting your life away because you want to let me have everything I want…”

“Lu… I’m-“

“I’m sorry if you ever felt like… I didn’t spend enough time with you or… If you ever felt like I was around too much… Just… Could you please be honest and tell me what’s going on? Like… The truth? Without worrying about hurting me?” It was too late anyway. Sehun could see how Luhan’s lower lip trembled and he was sure the older was trying really hard not to cry and he really felt like an idiot for not telling the Chinese sooner. How could he have thought that Luhan wouldn’t notice? He should have known that Luhan would realize something was wrong and of course he thought he was the one to blame.

“Okay,” Sehun in a breath. “But… Before we start this… I need you to know that… I’m sorry… Really really sorry for everything that happened… And… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… I just didn’t know how to… And… Gosh, Lu… Nothing is your fault… You never did anything wrong! I swear I never felt like you rushed me into anything… And you never did anything wrong and I most certainly still love you… A lot, actually… Maybe a little too much… And… I’m afraid… A lot… Because I don’t know how to… Express any of this… How to deal with this… I don’t even really know… Maybe I’m afraid that one day those feelings will be gone and I’ll be left with nothing to fill all this space inside me with… I don’t know… All I know is…

That I’m terrified of all of this… And I have no idea why… It just… Sometimes I just feel suffocated… And then I push you away because I can’t think of any other way to deal with this… I guess I’m really bad at explaining this… But I don’t really get it myself…”

“Maybe I should have given you more time… I-“

“Luhan! No… You gave me all the time in the world… I guess… I don’t know… I guess I’m just not ready for this kind of relationship… Because with you everything seems so final… And… I’m not sure if I’m ready for that… Don’t get me wrong… I love the idea of our little house a little outside of Seoul… I love the idea of falling asleep with you and waking up next to you and I can imagine myself doing that for the rest of my life… Just…”

“Just not now…” Luhan finished for him and nodded a little before aggressively whipping away the tears that kept falling from his eyes.

“I’m sorry…”

“No… It’s… It’s okay… I mean… It’s kind of not that bad when you push me away because you love me too much, I guess…”

“You can be honest too, you know?” Sehun tried to smile even though he was crying as well.

“It still hurts… No matter why… But…”

“But?”

“What does that mean for us?”

“I don’t know, Lu… That’s why I never talked about it… Because I don’t know…”

“So… What did you do?”

“Hm?”

“You said… You were sorry for everything you did,” Luhan whispered.

“Are you sure you want to know?”

“Yes… Come on… Honesty hour… We’re already crying… A little more crying won’t hurt me…”

“I’m not worried about your eyes but about your heart…”

“It will be okay… I promise!”

“Joonmyun confessed quite a while ago…”

“Okay…”

“But… I already kissed him before that…”

“Why?”

“Because that’s how I tried to deal with the confusion… I know it was stupid… And… I would have gone further… But Joonmyun stopped me… He doesn’t really like the idea of doing anything with someone who’s in a relationship…”

“I told you he’s kind of cute,” Luhan tried to joke but Sehun only scoffed.

“Just wait till I’m done… Last weekend… At the party… I… I…” The teen looked away. It’s not like he had anything left to lose but that didn’t make telling Luhan all about this any easier.

“Go on… At the party? But I was there the whole time!”

“When you went upstairs with Baek… I went outside to look for him… And after making out for a while he ended up giving me a … That’s why I got wasted, by the way… It sounded like a good idea back then…”

“And then?”

“What do you mean and then? I spend the whole weekend with you!”

“You see him at least five days a week Sehun…”

“Yeah… I went to talk to him on Monday…”

“So… You’ve been in two relationships since Monday?” Sehun still wondered how Luhan hadn’t sounded even a little angry at that point. He’d just sounded and looked so broken that Sehun regretted everything so much he prayed to be struck by lightning in order to escape this situation.

“No…”

“Because he was against it…” It wasn’t even a question but Sehun still nodded. “Okay…”

“No, Lu… It’s definitely not ‘okay’…”

“No… Not really… So?”

“So what?”

“Do you want to be with him?”

“I don’t know,” Sehun told him truthfully. “I don’t really know anything at the moment… Just that I kind of lost myself in this and that I don’t really know where to go anymore… I’m sorry… I should have told you right away…”

“It’s okay… Just… Don’t repeat that mistake, yeah?” Luhan finally looked up again and brushed a few strands of hair out of Sehun’s face.

“I’ll try…”

“Good…”

“Mhm…”

“So I guess… That break might not be a bad idea, hm?”

“That’s what Jongin told me as well…”

“Don’t forget Joonmyun!”

“Can we like… Not talk about Joonmyun right now? This isn’t really about him… This is about me making bad life choices” Sehun told him with a sigh.

“You don’t really like the idea of taking a break, do you?”

“I hate it…”

“Why? It would give you some time to… I don’t know… Settle your feelings… Try things with Joonmyun… Or maybe someone else…”

“Yeah… But it would mean to kind of lose you…”

“It’s a break… It’s not forever…”

“You might find someone else…”

“You could also forget about me…”

“I could never forget about… Lu… You were my first everything… There’s no way I’d forget about you…”

“Then there’s nothing to worry about…”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah… You… I mean… Why is this so easy for you?”

“It’s not… I’m just… I’m just trying… To make things right… And if you still need some time… Then I’m going to give you some time… And you’re right… Of course I could meet someone else… I mean… It depends on how long we’re going to take a break… I’m not going to wait more than three years!”

“Three years? Are you kidding me?”

“Why? Three years should be enough!”

“No… I mean… Three years are kind of too long…”

“Oh… Okay… Then two… But… You could always… Tell me if you decide against me in this time… So I know when to give up waiting…”

“Does that mean I’m not going to see you for the time being?”

“That’s not what I meant… I mean… We could try… Meeting as friends…”

“I’d like that… A lot!”

“Just… Maybe not right now? Maybe in two weeks or something? So that I have some time… To get used to this,” Luhan pleaded.

“Sure… I mean… Why not? Take your time… And just… Wow… This is kind of wrong…”

“Yeah… I know… Can I borrow your phone? My battery died and I need to call Yixing…”

“Sure… I’m not sure I have his number though…”

“Damn… But I need to crash at his place tonight…”

“Why?”

“I promised Kris, I’d be out for tonight…”

“You could stay here,” Sehun offered. “I mean… I could sleep in Sejeon’s room… He’s gone for the weekend…”

“Wouldn’t that be kind of awkward?”

“Isn’t this already kind of awkward?”

“True… But… You can stay here… I mean… I don’t mind… It’s not like we never slept in the same bed before…”

“Okay… Do you want to watch a movie or anything?”

“Please… Before this atmosphere kills me…”

“Jongin gave me some DVDs… He says those are must-see-movies…”

“I’m okay with anything… Just… Can I take back my ‘no shirts for sleeping’-rule?”

“Yeah… Sure… Of course! Do you… Want some popcorn? Or coke?”

“And maybe ice cream?”

“I’ll be back in a second…”

A/N: Wow... It's been way too long since my last update... But yeah... I just neede a break from studying so I finished this up... This is what my ed up brain came up with... I swear I almost packed in a whole lot of Korean and Japanese words in here because I just read them a few times too much in the last days...
So... Yeah... I figured it would help with the rest of my story to not have them hate each other... So I wrote some kinf of awkward thing... But I hope they'll figure things out this way... Because I really want them to work out in the end...