I opened my eyes as Leeteuk drew his face away from mine.

And when he did, I sighed.

"Hyung, one last th - thing before I go in," I croaked. "Hyung, I t - told some of the younger hyungs that I'd nev - never be able to forgive them for things they've done to me," I said. "Please tell them I - I was wrong. And that I forgive them f - for everything. And thank them for taking c - care of me when I most needed it."

"Kyuhyun," whispered Leeteuk.

"And - " I gasped for a breath. "And hyung - "

Leeteuk looked into my eyes as I smiled a little at him.

"You - apologized a while - while ago, but I never said - I forgave you," I managed. "I do. And - and I'm really sorry for - making things harder for you."

Leeteuk squeezed my hand and shook his head. He my cheek with his free hand lightly.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong," he whispered.

I closed my eyes.

"Everything went wrong be - because of me. I know - it did," I said. "You would have - Super Junior would have done - just as well without me - as with me. And you wouldn't - be going through this right - now if it weren't for me."

"Kyuhyun, don't say that," he rebuked.

I sighed and took some breaths before looking up at him again.

"I'm being sel - selfish, aren't I?" I asked.

"What - what do you mean?" asked Leeteuk, looking flustered.

"I'm getting - this surgery, putting everyone through - hell just so I can join the team again," I said. I smiled ruefully. "This surgery won't - won't make a difference anyway, ev - everyone knows I c - can't dance, broken pelvis or not."

"Kyuhyun," scolded Leeteuk. "Don't say that."

"Hyung, I think - I think I'm doing this all - all wrong," I whispered. "What am I thinking? I'm - putting my life on the line f - for something I'll never have anyway. And it's all my fault th - that - "

"Don't ever say that it's your fault," rebuked Leeteuk, cutting me off. "You just have to focus on getting better, and doing well in this surgery."

My breath hitched at hearing the word.

Surgery.

I coughed a little as Leeteuk held the oxygen mask over my face again. I took a few deep breaths before looking at Leeteuk again.

"Hyung, I'm so scared," I croaked. "Hyung, I - I d - don't want to die."

"It'll be fine. You'll get through it," he said reassuringly, but I shook my head.

"You don't know that," I whispered.

"Kyuhyun, you trust me, right?" he said, squeezing my hand.

"I do, hyung," I said, on the verge of tears again. "But hyung, Donghae hyung t - trusted you too."

I felt Leeteuk freeze with his hand still on mine as we both remembered.

And only a very long moment later, he squeezed my hand again.

"You're right," he whispered. "I don't know that you'll get through it."

I closed my eyes to let the tears out of my eyes, but then Leeteuk looked straight into my eyes.

"But Kyuhyun, I'll pray my hardest for you."

As Leeteuk burrowed his head into my own, the doctor came into the room, accompanied by the intern and a few nurses pushing a gurney. I squeezed Leeteuk's hand nervously, and he lifted his head to look.

"Okay, Kyuhyun, we're going to get you into prep," said the doctor. Leeteuk stood up from the stool and put the oxygen mask on me again. And then I saw the intern walk around from in front of me. I waited with my hands over my face as the intern and the nurses worked the moving board under me.

"Let's have you get your arms across your chest, hands on your shoulders, Kyuhyun," said the intern. I squeezed my eyes shut and did as he asked as he spoke to the rest of them. "Right on three. One - two - "

I felt myself being lifted up and being placed on the gurney. I covered my face with my hands just as I was set down.

Oh god. This was it. I was going to do this.

I was going to get this surgery, just so I can dance.

Oh god.

I felt myself being wrapped up with the sheet and the straps being pulled on, and I gripped the side of the gurney as hard as I could. I was just being wheeled out of the room and was in the hallway when my dad came into sight. And without even knowing it, I found myself yelling.

"Wait, wait!" I yelled.

The gurney stopped.

"What's wrong?" asked the intern.

I looked around quickly until my dad came into view.

I really didn't want to make a big deal out of this, but - but oh god, if this could be the last thing I do -

"Dad, I love you," I said.

I wanted those to be my last words if I died.

Then I wouldn't feel so horrible about dying.

"Oh god, Kyuhyun," said my dad, and he put his hand on my face. "Kyuhyun, when you get out of surgery, I'll be right here."

"Dad, d - don't cry, okay? No matter what - what happens," I whispered. "I don't want any - anyone to cry. I don't - don't want people to be sad."

My dad opened my mouth to say something when the doctor cut him off.

"Sir," said the doctor impatiently. "We have to keep on schedule, or - "

"Please," whispered my dad. He looked up and into the doctor's eyes. "This could be the last time I see my son."

The doctor stopped dead in his tracks and paused.

There was a silence, and I took this moment to look up at my dad.

"Dad, I love you," I repeated. "I love you. I love you."

"I love you too," whispered my dad.

I smiled and faced front again, but he kept his hand on my face for a long while after. Then I finally looked at my dad again.

"See you soon, dad," I whispered.

My dad finally let go with a deep breath and nodded. "See you soon, baby."

"Bye," I managed, then the gurney started moving before anything else could happen.

It was so scary, being carried on this stretcher. I kept my eyes open for only a few seconds before squeezing them shut; all I could see were fluorescent lights passing by me, and it made me even more nervous.

A few minutes later, I was being put in a slightly darker room and heard the door close.

"Okay, we can begin prep. The usual rounds, atropine, diazepam, you know the drill," said the doctor to the intern. The intern nodded.

"Oh my god," I whispered.

I gripped the side of the gurney so hard that I couldn't feel anything in my hands anymore.

"Hey, don't be nervous," said the intern. I finally opened my eyes and stared at him. It was the first time he spoke to me in informal speech, and strangely that helped relax me a little. "You can trust this team. They're the best surgeons in the country."

I took another deep breath and nodded as he gave me the injections. My breaths became deeper and my hands loosened.

"That's it," said the intern with a smile, then he began undressing me. I felt the cool air touch my bare skin and what felt like the tip of a marker run over my hip, and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to collect my thoughts.

I can do this. I will get through this.

As I lied there, trying to calm myself down for a long time, I heard the doctor speak.

"All right, we're ready for the operating room," he said, I opened my eyes to see the intern nod and drape the sheet over me again.

It was a short trip down to the operating room, and kept my eyes closed the whole time. As soon as the gurney stopped, I felt my hands and feet freeze over. And a few moments later, they were lifting me onto the table.

It was so cold, and as soon as my back touched the smooth surface, I felt a shudder travel up my spine. My hands curled up instinctively because of how cold it was, and I kept myself from shivering with difficulty. As I laid there, staring at the bright light shining on me, I felt cool cloth near my hip, wiping it down quickly. I clenched my teeth at the uncomfortable feeling and looked to my side, only to see an array of metal instruments.

I winced and faced front again to focus on the surgical light just as I felt a sheet was draped over me, and then I saw a mask being held over me, accompanied by the intern's familiar face.

"Take deep breaths and count backwards from ten, slowly," he said softly. I then saw him hold the mask over my face. I looked at him, more afraid than ever.

"Ten," I whispered.

I can get through this.

A tear fell from my eye.

He nodded encouragingly, and I continued.

"Nine," I said, and as soon as I said it, I was suddenly so tired. "Eight," I managed, but then I felt dizzy and everything went foggy. I took another breath to count again, but then my eyelids closed over my eyes and I just couldn't keep them open anymore.

I opened my eyes.

It was dark, and I looked around slightly, trying to decide where I was. I remembered that I'd just had surgery, so - so I guessed it was successful. I sighed and looked to my right, and almost screamed as I noticed that Heechul was in the room. I widened my eyes, shocked. I was in a state of panic, but Heechul was calm.

"What - what are you doing h - here?" I asked, but Heechul didn't even look at me. I watched as Heechul calmly followed the IV line from the morphine drip machine and disconnected the lines.

The effects were almost instant. I was suddenly in burning pain; it was like I could feel every nerve in my body firing. I grunted involuntarily. I'd never been in this much pain before. I looked up at Heechul with hatred, tears of pain filling my eyes. Heechul was looking right back at me.

"You're so useless, Cho Kyuhyun," whispered Heechul.

I looked at him, barely able to focus because of the pain.

"Your presence on our team dragged us down by miles. This type of pain is nothing compared to the pain you've caused the team."

I glared at him, then gripped at the side of my bed tightly.

"I - I'm going to get better," I said, tears falling from my eyes. "Just - just you wait. I'll stand - stand on stage again one - one day."

"I'll make sure you never do," said Heechul.

"H - how?" I asked defiantly.

"I have my ways," smirked Heechul. He then reached into his pocket. And then, to my shock, he held up a dagger.

I screamed as loudly as I could, willing someone to hear me, someone to help -

"No one's here, Kyuhyun," whispered Heechul with a satisfied smile, then he raised the knife over his head.

"AHHHHHH!"

My eyes snapped open.

I gasped for breaths in panic before realizing where I was.

I was in a white hospital bed, in a white hospital room. There was bright orange sunlight shining through, and I squinted. I looked around, and I saw that the IV lines were still connected to my hand. I sighed with relief and squeezed my eyes shut.

I'd had a nightmare?

I tried to control my rough breaths while I looked around. And as I did, I realized that the only person in the room was the intern.

"Are you awake?" asked the intern with a smile.

I looked up at him, panting.

"Y - yes," I managed.

Did I make it? I made it through the surgery?

I'm still alive?

"Am - am I dead?" I asked.

The intern laughed, and for the first time in a long time, I felt the corners of my mouth curl up. I'm not dead.

"You did so well during the surgery," said the intern.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

So - so I'm not dead, and I'm going to live?

I closed my eyes and steadied my breath.

I'm safe. I'm okay.

I opened my eyes again and tried to wet my dry lips. My lips felt so dry, almost papery, but my tongue was also so dry that it didn't do anything.

"May - may I have some water?" I whispered.

"I'm sorry, you can't," said the intern apologetically. "Until you're totally stable, I'm afraid you can't eat or drink. We're just giving you everything you need intravenously for now," he said, pointing to the bags of IV fluids hanging from the pole next to my bed.

I sighed and swallowed whatever I could squeeze out of my mouth, but even my mouth was completely parched.

"Ju - just a drop of water," I pleaded. "Just - just enough to wet my - my lips. P - please."

"I'm sorry," he repeated, shaking his head. "Try not to speak too much. It will dry out your mouth even more."

"Can't be an - any drier," I whispered.

The intern looked at me sympathetically. "We'll run some tests tomorrow and see if you can start drinking."

As I smiled with appreciation, he took a glance outside the room. "There's someone here to see you, by the way. I just didn't want to let him in without asking you."

"Who?" I asked. "My dad?"

He shook his head. "Your dad's here too, but he stepped downstairs for a few minutes just now." He paused. "The one that's outside right now is Heechul. He came into the waiting room as soon as your dad left."

I closed my eyes. "He - he's here again?" I asked.

He nodded.

"I've been seeing him around the hospital for days now," said the intern.

God, what had I done so wrong that he would wait so long to see me?

"Teuk - Teukie hyung said I - I didn't have to see - see him if I didn't want to," I said.

"You don't," confirmed the intern. "I just thought I'd let you know."

"I don't want him he - here," I said.

"Okay. I'll let him know. Don't worry."

"C - can you also tell him I'm s - sorry, and that I - I understand he's angry at me, so he doesn't need to come anymore?" I asked. I felt tears in my eyes, and although I didn't know what I was apologizing for, I wanted him to know that I was sorry. And then maybe he'll stop coming.

The intern looked confused for a second, but then he nodded. "Of course. Just relax."

I nodded and closed my eyes again.

Just a few minutes later though, the door slid open and my dad stepped into the room.

"Kyuhyun, I missed you waking up!" he exclaimed.

"Dad," I said, smiling back. "Dad, I'm going to be okay."

He gave a small laugh and sat down on the chair and held my hand.

"Oh god, I'm so proud of you, Kyuhyun. So - "

I smiled back and squeezed his hand.

"I'm going to be okay now, right?" I asked softly.

"You're going to be okay," he said. He smiled. "Get some rest."

I nodded and closed my eyes. I didn't know why I was so tired all the time when all I did all day was sleep. Nevertheless it didn't take very long at all for me to fall asleep. However, just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a knock at the door. I felt my dad let go of my hand and get up from the stool. Curious, I watched him move to the door and open it.

There was a silence, and then I heard my dad speak quietly and gently, in polite honorifics.

"We've had this talk already. Please. Don't come near his room."

I frowned in confusion for a second, and as I moved my head, I saw that it was Heechul standing at the door. I widened my eyes in surprise as Heechul spoke, again quietly.

"Sir, please give me a chance. I promise I'll take good care of him. I just - "

"Did you ever give Kyuhyun a chance?" asked my dad firmly, but not unkindly.

There was a silence.

"You've never given him any chances, have you?"

I saw Heechul hang his head low while my father continued looking at him sadly.

"So please, Heechul-sshi, tell me why you deserve to see Kyuhyun."

Heechul looked up at him. "I - I don't yet, sir, but I - I can - "

"Kyuhyun deserves better than a hyung like you. And you - " he paused before continuing quietly. "You don't deserve a dongsaeng like my son."

Heechul didn't say anything and bowed his head again.

"I know my son," he whispered. "The fear I saw in his eyes through the window that first day he woke up - " He stopped and shook his head. "I don't even want to know what you had to do to generate that kind of fear in him."

"Sir, please. I - "

"He's strong," he said, still gently and quietly. "And for him to be that scared of you - "

Heechul dropped his head.

"Please just stay away from him. I haven't been able to do much for Kyuhyun as a father to protect him for the last year. And this - this is the least I can do for him."

Heechul stayed quiet for a long time and then nodded.

"Okay," said Heechul in a coarse voice. "I - I'll be - I'll be in the waiting room if - if you change your mind."

I heard my dad sigh. "Please, do yourself a favour and go home. Please."

"Don't - don't worry about me and - sir, please let me know - "

I watched as my dad ran his hand down around his face, and I felt my heart clench.

And with all the courage I had, I opened my mouth.

"Dad," I whispered.

My dad startled and looked at me. "Kyuhyun."

I shook my head. "Please don't fight with him," I whispered.

There was a pause, then he walked towards my bed again, leaving Heechul alone in the doorway.

"Kyuhyun, I'm sorry," he said, then he started my forehead. "I'm sorry. I won't - "

"Dad, I'll see him for a few - few moments," I croaked.

"Kyuhyun, you don't have to. I'm sorry, I'll send him home."

I shook my head.

"I'll see him," I whispered. "I - I have some things to say to him - alone."

My dad hesitated, but then nodded. "Okay, Kyuhyun. If you're sure. Whatever you want," he said, then he kissed my forehead.

I saw him whisper something to Heechul as he passed him, and Heechul nodded solemnly. When the door was closed behind Heechul, leaving the two of us in the room, Heechul shuffled his feet for a few moments before walking towards me slowly.

He then sat down on the stool near my bed.

"Hey," he said awkwardly.

I stared at him, scared. "What - what do you want?" I croaked. "Leave my dad alone. I - I said sorry already. You don't - have - have to bully my dad, too."

"Kyuhyun," said Heechul, biting his lip.

"What do you want?" I repeated.

"Nothing," he said quietly. He then put on a smile over his frown. "Just wanted to see how you were doing. They're finally letting me see you."

I didn't say anything and just looked away from him. Heechul looked closely at my face for a second, and I saw his gaze run over my rough and chapped lips. Then he spoke quietly.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine," I whispered.

Heechul sighed.

"How are you doing... really?" asked Heechul.

I breathed in and took a few tries to speak, then when I finally did, I could only whisper.

"It - it's really ha - hard to s - speak," I managed. "My throat and - and mouth - everything - is so - so dry."

"Do you want something to drink? Water?" asked Heechul.

I shook my head as much as I could, but I could only move it a fraction of an inch. "Not - not allowed."

Heechul just sat there silently for a few seconds, then he got to his feet.

"I'll be right back," said Heechul, then he left the room. I felt relaxed for a second as he left the room, but he was back a few minutes later with something in his hand. I tensed up again, but he smiled.

"I just got lip balm from the pharmacy downstairs. I know it won't be much help, but..." he said, tearing open the packaging. He unscrewed the cap and dipped his fingertip into the ointment. He scooped a bit of it up with his finger and brought it close to my lips, then he paused.

I turned my head with all the strength I had and met his eyes. And I asked him the question that I wasn't able to say out loud in my mind.

Why are you doing this? You've never even called my name before without my last name attached. I know you don't want me to get better. You want me never to return to the team. I know you want me dead. So why are you doing this?

He just looked into my scared eyes for a few seconds, totally frozen in place for almost a full minute. He then put his hand down without putting anything on my lips and capped the container again. He placed the small can on the bedside table and stood up.

"Just - " he started, then he stopped himself. He took another breath to speak, then stopped speaking again.

And to my astonishment, I saw his eyes going wet with tears.

"Have someone else do it," he said, then he walked out of the room without another word.

My father came in after Heechul had left and asked whether he had given me a hard time, and I assured him that everything was okay. I asked him to finally go home to relax for the rest of the day, and he had agreed reluctantly.

But as he left and I was left alone in the room, there was just too much time to think. And in the end, I could only think of one reason why he would waste even a single cent on me, why he would spend so much time near me. And that was in my head until the next time someone pointed out the small can on the bedside table later that day.

The nurse was giving me another injection of antibiotics through the IV lines while I winced; it always felt uncomfortable, like it was burning.

"Aw, it looks like you got lip balm," she said with a kind smile while she finished with the injection.

"Heechul hyung g - gave it to me," I said.

The nurse glanced at me. "You didn't use it, though?"

I shook my head and looked at the ceiling.

"Will - will you throw it away for me?" I asked.

The nurse raised her eyebrows. "Why would you do that?"

I stayed silent for a second, then turn my head to look at her. "I don't - know what he might have d - done to it."

She smiled. "Does he like playing jokes on you?"

I turned my head back towards the ceiling without answering her question.

No, I'm scared that he put something in it to make me worse.

"P - please just d - do it?" I pleaded.

"Sure," she said, then she grabbed the small can and tossed it into the garbage can underneath.

I sighed and closed my eyes when she grabbed my chart to write in it briefly. "Would you like more lip balm? I have some at the desk, and I promise I didn't do anything to it," she said.

I smiled. "Y - yes, please," I managed.

The nurse smiled and left the room before returning with a stick of lip balm. And for the rest of the day, no one came to my room except the nurses and the interns to give me the antibiotic injections, and soon, the room was darkened and I lied there, thinking, maybe fantasizing about what would happen once I got out of the hospital and was healthy again, I heard a knock at the door and the door slid open.

"Kyuhyun? Can I come in?"

I looked up, and I was surprised to see Heechul standing at the doorway.

I didn't say anything, but Heechul came in anyway. I immediately touched the emergency button with my hand, ready to push it if he did anything. I kept my eyes only half open in the darkness, and I saw Heechul walk around the room and sit down in the stool next to my bed. He looked into my eyes for a short minute, and then he opened up his bag.

"Hey, um - I brought you a book, I thought you might be bored," he said. "Don't worry, it's manga that I stole from Hyukjae's collection. I wouldn't make you read a novel or anything."

He set it down on the bedside table, and as he did, I saw his gaze run over the flowers that he'd given me, and the stick of lip balm that the nurse had given me earlier that day. I watched nervously as he reached for it and turned it over in his hand for a few seconds before putting it back down.

"Why did you get this?" he asked softly. "I bought you some earlier today."

I didn't say anything and stared at him in fear.

He looked into my eyes for a little while, then he frowned.

I saw him slowly walk to the garbage can. And then to my horror, he reached inside and pulled out the small can of lip balm that he had bought for me earlier that day as my stomach clenched.

He squeezed it tightly in his hand for a second, then he dropped it back into the garbage. He then turned and looked at me, then sat down in the small sofa against the wall. "You really hate me, don't you?" he said quietly.

I looked right back into his eyes.

If I died tomorrow, would I regret answering this question truthfully?

I thought for a little while.

And I finally decided.

"Yes," I whispered. "More than anyone else in the entire world."

He stared at me as though he couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. But soon, he nodded.

"Okay," he said quietly. And then he forced a little smile and stood up. "Well, I'm gone for the night, then, so - good night, Kyuhyun."

I didn't say anything as he opened the door to leave.

It wasn't until Heechul closed it behind himself that I whispered, "Good night."