I reeled in my anger and instead gathered up my clothes and stalked into the bathroom. I the shower and stepped inside. I closed my eyes, wishing I could relax, but I knew I couldn't; I had a maximum of five minutes or so in the shower before everyone else got impatient.

I sighed and started rubbing shampoo into my hair, when I realized that something didn't feel right; the shampoo wasn't foaming like it usually did, nor did it smell like it usually did. I opened my eyes and frowned. What -

I laughed a little and shook my head as I realized that I was rubbing body lotion into my hair. I hadn't done anything like this, ever, and I was perplexed at myself for making such a mistake. But time was ticking and others were waiting to use the bathroom, and I knew there was no time for me to wash my hair again. And deciding that today would be a day of hats, I quickly rinsed the lotion out of my hair and stepped out of the shower.

I got dressed hurriedly in the bathroom, just to save time, and had just walked out of the bathroom when Sungmin stared at me.

"Um - Kyuhyun," he said.

I raised my eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

"Uh - you're wearing your shirt inside out," he said. He frowned. "Um - and backwards. You're wearing your shirt inside out and backwards."

Perplexed, I looked down at my shirt and realized that he was right. I frowned. This was just - weird, I hadn't done this since I was a kid...

"Thanks," I muttered, and I pulled my shirt up over my head to fix it.

Everything went wrong that day. Not the big things, but the little things. I had asked for no ice in my water at a cafe so that I wouldn't have to drink cold water before the performance, but I got a cup half-filled with ice anyway. My microphone stopped working in the middle of the performance although it worked perfectly in the dress rehearsal. In the middle of practice, I realized that I had forgotten to bring a change of clothes so I had to cope with one sweat-soaked t-shirt for the four hours of choreography practice.

I was therefore glad when Jinsoo hyung finally opened the door to the practice room, marking the end of practice.

"The four of you who are going to Kiss the Radio, let's get ready," he said. Ryeowook and I looked at each other for a few seconds; we didn't make it totally clear who was going. I glared at him, willing him to just please do the radio when Jinsoo hyung spoke.

"Ryeowook, let's go," he said, holding open the door.

Ryeowook gave me another icy stare before turning to Jinsoo hyung.

"Kyuhyun said he'd do the radio for me this morning," said Ryeowook defiantly. I widened my eyes with disbelief as Jinsoo hyung glanced at me.

"Really?" he asked. I opened my mouth to deny it when Jinsoo hyung sighed. "If we don't leave right now, we're going to be late. So if you haven't decided, make it fast."

"He really said he'd go for me," confirmed Ryeowook. I glowered at him again, not even paying attention to the fact that Jinsoo hyung was looking at me with raised eyebrows. I sighed.

"Yeah, I'm going," I muttered, then I picked up my bag from the floor and purposefully rubbed shoulders with Ryeowook on my way out of the door.

"You're the worst friend I've ever had," I whispered in his ear. I then left the practice room without looking twice at Ryeowook's offended face.

I sighed with relief as the Kiss the Radio broadcast finally ended. I pulled the headphones out of my ears, trying to clear my thoughts. I'd stumbled over my words multiple times during the broadcast, and I barely even said anything besides when I was asked because of how tired I was.

This was not a good day.

Aware that the camera was still on us, I resisted the urge to bury my head inside my arms on the desk and stood up instead when one of the writers for the show opened the studio door and entered.

"Can we gather the four of you together to take a picture?" she said brightly, holding up a camera. I held back a sigh. Taking a picture with wide smiles was the last thing I wanted to do today, but this was my job, I guessed I had no choice. I got up reluctantly from my chair and stood behind all three of them so that only my eyes were showing to the camera; I just couldn't bring myself to smile widely enough to show my whole face.

"Thank you," she said after the pictures, and the four of us bowed and thanked the staff before walking out of the studio to the parking lot.

We were halfway down the hall when I realized that my shoulders were bare. I squeezed my eyes shut before tapping Leeteuk on the shoulder. He turned around to face me, and I smiled apologetically.

"I'll be right there, I forgot my bag in the studio," I said.

"Do you want us to wait for you?"

I shook my head. "No. Go ahead and rest in the van, I'll catch up."

Leeteuk nodded and continued walking as I turned around and jogged back to the studio.

I retrieved my bag quickly, taking care to make sure that no one could see me on camera. I quickly stepped outside and was running back to the parking lot when I ran into someone.

"Excuse me," I muttered, not even looking at his face, but he grabbed hold of my arms.

"Kyuhyun!"

I looked up in surprise. And I was even more surprised when I looked up into the face, smiling into mine.

"Seunghwan hyung, what are you doing here?" I asked.

"Hey, good to see you." He patted the top of my head.

A smile finally spread across my face. "What are you doing here?" I asked again.

"Jinsoo got caught up in traffic driving Kangin back from his radio, and he asked for help. I was nearby, so I thought I'd give you guys a hand."

I nodded in appreciation.  "Thank you, I missed being in your van."

Seunghwan hyung laughed. "I'm sorry, but it won't be mine. I let another manager borrow my van for tonight. I'm here with one of the DBSK road managers. He'll be the one driving."

I nodded, but then I broke eye contact with him. This was such a small thing, but right then, it annoyed me. I ran a hand over my face as Seunghwan hyung put his hand on my shoulder again.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah. Just - having a bad day," I muttered.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he said. He smiled. "At least your day's over now."

I sighed with relief and smiled. "I'm ready for the day to be done."

He laughed. "Okay. Let's get you back to the dorm," he said, then he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and led me into the foreign van.

Everyone else was in it already; I'd usually take the back seat in the van, where no one really wanted to be, but since I was the last to get on this time, I was hesitating when Eunhyuk got up from behind the driver's seat.

"I'll go to the back today," he said. I smiled with appreciation and stepped into the van.

"Thanks," I said. I sat down in the seat that Eunhyuk had just emptied while Seunghwan hyung closed the door for me. I let out a long breath of relaxation. It had been a longer day than I'd ever imagined. My entire body was sore, and I didn't realize that such little things going wrong could get me so tired.

I tilted my head back until it was resting comfortably on the headrest and put on my mp3 player. And I finally started to relax.

I awoke to a loud bang. My eyes snapped open as my body jerked like a rag doll in my seat.

It felt like the car was floating, spinning on air, and I heard screams and yells come out from inside the van. It was only a few moments later that I realized that one of those screams was mine.

It felt like I was on a roller coaster.

A roller coaster without any safety equipment.

And in that short moment, I felt the van spinning out of control as fear overcame me.

I felt myself flying out of my seat, and then I lost all consciousness.

I opened my eyes.

Flashing lights.

There were people running around everywhere in the pitch-black darkness.

I could see them, so far away, next to the overturned van.

But no one was coming to me.

I was lying on the ground, face down, amidst a sea of glass shards.

And then I realized: I was in a car accident.

I lifted my eyes to look for help.

They were so far away.

"Hel - help," I said, but I wasn't sure if anything came out. Tears of desperation streamed down my face. "P - please," I whispered. "Help, please - please."

But I couldn't hear my own voice.

Was I actually saying anything?

"Help," I whispered. I ran my hand over the concrete to try to crawl towards the flashing lights, but nothing was working. I couldn't feel anything, everything was numb, and nothing moved the way I wanted it to. But the next time I lifted my hand, I felt warm wetness. And even in the darkness, I knew I was lying in a puddle of my own blood.

And I'd never been so scared in my life.

I kept my eyes open. I knew I shouldn't close them.

"Help," I whispered again.

And feeling like I had to get myself up no matter what, I lifted up my body and sat up on my knees.

And then suddenly, everything in my sight disappeared to be replaced by a blinding white screen.

And the vision in front of me suddenly changed. I wasn't lying on the ground in the pitch-black darkness anymore; I was sitting on my mother's lap while she was reading me my favourite story book. I must have been just three or four...

That faded to be replaced by another scene, I was at the beach, building sandcastles with my sister while my parents looked on. Oh yeah, I remember that. That was the best trip -

Another fade out and in, and it was my first day of school. God, I was so nervous.

Then I was at camp with my friends, and our cabin had flooded during the night. Gosh, what a disaster of a trip that was.

And then It was my first day at SM. I was so scared that day. Everyone seemed so intimidating.

So this is what they mean when they say that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.

I was on my debut stage and watching the pearl sapphire blue balloons filling the seats. And despite myself, I smiled. Wow, what an experience.

I waited for the next scene in the film to play, and then it hit me. The last time I saw everyone would be the last time I ever saw them. My mom, my dad - my friends from school, the managers, the team - everyone I ever knew... There would be no closure. This would be it. A sob escaped me, and even then, the film went on.

Heechul had just told me to die in the living room of the dorm - my heart wrenched as I realized that at least I'd please one person with my death.

Then it was this morning. Ryeowook had asked me to go to a radio show for me, and we were arguing. It was just a few hours ago, I had just told him that he was the worst friend I ever had, and Ryeowook's face exuded hurt -

And with that, I was back to where I was, on the side of the road, on my knees, surrounded by glass and darkness.

My breath hitched in my throat. No, no, no, I don't want to die with that as the last thing I said to him. Please -

I want to say sorry - I was so immature, so stupid -

He's given me so, so much more than I'd ever given him, and I don't want to - to die without having apologized to him on my knees for it. And through every running thought in my head, the one phrase just repeated over and over.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so -

I feel so cold.

I'm too young, I don't want to die. Now isn't my time.

I've yet to have accomplished, to have made an impact...

I'm so sorry, so sorry, please forgive me. I -

I want to raise a family one day, I don't want to go like this, without even having loved -

There's so much I haven't done...

I've been through so much, I don't want to die without having been rewarded for everything I've endured...

I'm so sorry. Forgive me for being so immature and for hurting you, for being so stupid... I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry...

I didn't put myself through everything I went through to die now.

I didn't endure the exhaustion, the pain, the blood, sweat and tears to die now.

I can't die now.

I used every fibre of strength in my body and put my hands together in prayer.

Please, God. Please. Let me live. Let me live and I'll treasure my life. I'll be good.

Please.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry.

I don't want to die.

Everything was a blur, and I was barely staying awake as I continued praying to God. I don't want to die, please, let me live.

I don't know how long I was there, praying, but then I realized that someone was in front of me, also on his knees. I opened my eyes all the way and saw Eunhyuk's face in front of me. He had tears streaming down his face and his hands hovered in front of me, like he did not quite know where of me to touch. His gaze moved from my face to my body, then he gave a sob.

"Oh my god," cried Eunhyuk. "Oh my god," he whispered in horror. "Kyu - Kyuhyun, your legs - "

He grabbed my shaking, bloodied hands, which were gathered together in prayer.

Please, God. Please.

"Kyuhyun, I can't see your legs! Where are your legs?" screamed Eunhyuk in clear panic.

If I don't make it, tell Ryeowook I'm sorry for me. Please.

"Oh god," cried Eunhyuk. "Oh god! Oh my - "

I started to feel dizzier and dizzier, and the edges of my vision started going blacker than any other time it had ever been.

Help me.

"Hang on, I'm going to get help, Kyuhyun, oh my - oh my god, Kyuhyun - oh god - "

I just couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, and I felt them being pulled closed.

Then nothing.

I was on the ground again, but I was now lying on my back, and someone else was there by my side.

Someone... someone I didn't know?

"Hey, hey, kid! Look at me! What's your name?" he asked urgently.

I looked at him through my half-closed eyes, but I couldn't make out his face. Why was it so foggy?

Kyuhyun. It's Kyuhyun. My name's Kyuhyun.

"Talk to me, kid," he said. Then I saw his face get closer to mine and his hand grasp for a pulse on my neck, but just then, I couldn't see anything. I felt my face go numb. And I'd almost forgotten everything when I heard a loud shout jerk me back.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING! GET ME AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HERE!"

No, he's wrong, I'm breathing, there's no way -

And then I realized -

Wait, I'm not breathing...

I have to keep breathing.

I consciously gasped for a breath, but I couldn't take one.

There was too much pain.

I let out the tiny bit of breath I'd been able to take, and then opened my eyes again to look at the paramedic.

I can't do it.

"Hey, I know it hurts to breathe, but you have to do it, okay? Keep breathing. Do it with me. Inhale - "

I tried again, but I couldn't. I was breathing in, but air wasn't coming in.

"Come on, kid! Inhale! WHERE'S THE DAMN OXYGEN MASK?"

I didn't see anything.

My eyelids were so heavy.

I think I'm dying.

I closed my eyes weakly, but then I felt a pair of lips touch mine to blow a harsh breath into my lungs.

I felt my chest expand, then there was the biggest pain I've ever felt in my chest.

If I could, I would have screamed.

But I didn't have enough breath to do it.

I didn't have enough strength to do it.

I closed my eyes, then another breath, another torturous pain in my lungs.

Another breath.

Another pain as though a knife was piercing my chest.

On the fourth breath, I felt a searing pain, then I saw everything go fuzzy.

I closed my eyes without even meaning to. I didn't even have strength to frown at the pain.

"Stay with me, kid. Don't go to sleep."

"Okay," I whispered weakly, but I couldn't hear myself again.

I opened my eyes a slit, but all I saw was the flashing red light.

This is death.

And then everything faded into the darkness.

It was blue. And bright.

Everything around me was blue. And silent.

I looked up and around.

I was alone here. It was so peaceful, so serene. I breathed a sigh of relief. There was a light breeze, ever so gently caressing my face and my hair.

Everything was blue.

I hesitantly took a small step forward. What was it that I was standing on?

I looked down at my feet, but I wasn't sure. I could feel that I was standing on something hard underneath my worn shoes, so I guess I was standing on the ground.

I looked to the side of me, and I realized that I was on a paved path. I didn't know where I was, but I knew where I was going. I just knew. I started walking. Everything was clear in front of me, nothing could stop me now. I smiled and sped up my steps a little. And then I started running through the clear path.

I ran and ran, but I barely even felt tired. I just felt happy. I knew I hadn't been on a smooth path like this for a long time. And I enjoyed it more than anything else.

Everything was spanning out the way it was supposed to. Nothing stood in my way, everything was perfect. I could see miles and miles in front of me. And all I had to do was follow this path.

I kept running down.

I just kept running, running, running...

The running had become almost automatic when I saw something that made me stop dead in my tracks with a yell of surprise.

My heart dropped a mile and I froze.

I was suddenly at the end of a cliff, and one more step would have tipped me over the edge.

What - what is this?

I shook my head in disbelief.

"No," I whispered in horror. "I - I want to go back."

I took a step back and turned around, but behind me, nothing was blue anymore. It was white. The path that I'd just been on had faded away, there was nothing there.

And I understood.

I didn't think this moment would come.

Not to me.

But it was here.

And it was now.

And everything that I'd worked for, everything that led me here came flooding over me, and I remembered everything. I remembered all the pain and suffering that got me here. And none of it made sense.

None of it was fair.

I looked at where I was, and I bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears.

"Do you know what I had to go through to get on that smooth path?" I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes. "Mountains and thorns, oceans and storms. I fell so many times, but I got up so many times, just to get on this path. And now I'm here."

My tears rolled down my cheeks.

"I finally got myself here."

I stared blankly at the infinite stretch of blue in front of me.

"Why did I have to go through so much, if my path was just going to end here?" I said quietly. "I've been through so much. So much more than every other kid my age." I started sobbing. "This isn't fair."

I didn't know what else to do but simply cry. Then a few moments later, I took a deep breath, and I lifted my head and looked around desperately. I looked everywhere to see if there was anything else. Any other option. Anything besides the road ending here.

My road can't end here.

I looked up through my tear-strung eyes, and to my side, I found myself facing a cliff; but I was on the bottom of it this time. Is - is this my only other option? But the cliff was so tall that I couldn't even see the top. How was I supposed to get all the way up there? I'm so weak, so tired...

I've been through a lot, but nothing like this. And I wasn't sure that I could go through it.

And I don't even know what's waiting for me on the top of that cliff. For all I knew, it could be another cliff, or it could be another field of thorns, or another ocean to swim across...

I wiped my tears again and looked down, over the edge.

Could it be? Could it really be that the easier path was - down?

I took a step closer to the end. And I stood at the very edge, swaying back and forth with my eyes closed.

One more sway, and I knew everything could be over. I'll just give up here, and I won't have to suffer again.

This could be it.

This could just be the last memory I make.

One more sway.

A tired smile flitted across my face as another tear rolled down my cheek.

Let's just stop here.

You've worked hard, Kyuhyun. Everything's been so hard on you.

It's okay to finally acknowledge the hard work you've done to get here.

But let's just end it here.

It's okay to stop here. It's okay to give up.

No more suffering, no more pain.

Let's end it here.

One more sway.

I've gone through so much...

Too much...

Too much...

Too much...

My eyes snapped open, and I stopped rocking. And with a deep breath, I finally took a step back from the edge.

I'm too far along to quit now. If I quit now, I'd have gone through the oceans, the mountains, the thorns for nothing.

I don't want all of that to have been for nothing.

I sighed, then turned and faced the cliff instead. I didn't know if I would make it. I didn't know if I had the strength, the ability, the skill...

But I knew I had the will.

I ran a hand over the rough surfaces of the cliff, and then with decision coursing through my every vein, I gripped at a tiny crack in the cliff with one hand, and found a small hold with the other. I latched onto the cliff and searched for a foothold. And as soon as both of my feet were on the cliff, the ground below me dissolved into nothingness. I gritted my teeth and looked up only at this monster structure I was to climb. There was no point in looking back now. Everything was gone. There was no turning back. I just had to hold on. I just had to take this one step at a time.

One step at a time.

I looked for another hold.

And I held on for dear life.

*Author's note: http://www.asianfanfics.com/blog/view/66130