HAPPY BOSS DAY
Blitz Magazine
The most highly anticipated day of the year was coming- to those in the Lifestyle department that is.
And to everyone else in Blitz-
“It’s going to be try-to-kiss-Jaejoong’s--day tomorrow.”
“Yuck, I’m not going anywhere near that , even though it’s the most divine looking piece of art.”
“Same here, even if it gets me a promotion.”
“Oh come on, promoted to a job you’re already doing?”
“You’re right on that one...”
In the meantime on the 33rd floor of Blitz Building...
The Human Resources Department was- as usual, having that same damned hour-long meeting where they discussed on their most popular/hated topic; planning strategically on how to make things happen but never end up happening at all.
The week would pass them by and again, the HR Director would call for the same meeting with the same staff on the same topic with the same pathetic result...nothing accomplished.
And the topic was: Kim Jaejoong.
He was the bane of the Human Resources Department.
It was already the 5th generation of upper management HRs at the round marble table and yet, they still haven’t figured out on how to get rid of this human, who overworked and stressed them all out because the rate at which he fired staff was 1000 times the speed of them replacing a headcount.
Nahhhh, they just hated him because he was a whiny and wanted to get rid of him.
“That’s it! I had enough!” The HR Director snapped and got up from his chair, “I quit! That Kim Jaejoong wins.”
As the rest of the department pretended to wallow in sorrow over the departure of their HR Director, the assistant director simply opened his laptop to send out an online advertisement for a new HR Director for Blitz.
And another round of war began...
From: [email protected]
To: allblitzstaff (group) minus HRDept (group) – why? Because I’m fabulous.
Sent: Wed 15-10, 6:06am
Title: Complaints from the general population of staff... to the GOVERNMENT (of all people...*dramatic sigh)
Greetings from the 38th floor of Blitz building,
How is the air down there?
It’s obviously of terrible quality since it’s messing up all your ing brains.
But before I delve further into investigating this betrayal, I would like to take a moment to warn each and everyone of you:
If I were to find out that this betrayal is a very late April Fool’s Joke, then... well...I’ll decide on the severity of your punishment in accordance to your looks and dress sense.
With that said, let’s begin.
WHO THE COMPLAINED TO THE MANPOWER MINISTRY THAT I HAVE BEEN ABUSING STAFF VERBALLY AND PHYSICALLY?
I do not abuse my staff, no matter how big you bunch of morons are. I only abuse my wife...ually, but that’s a separate story...which could win me a $50 bikini wax voucher if I were to share it in the confessions page in that trashy gossip newsletter... but anyways, I do not abuse you all- I am simply giving tough love.
All of you (87.544% to be exact, thanks Yunnie for the statistics) have increased your productivity (by 23.7998%, thanks again Yunnie) ever since I first screamed the ‘’ word at you. AND it’s a killer combo if I ‘‘ YOU!’’ and throw a file at you as it would increase the usage of your brain (by 3.221%- if I were a woman and unrelated to you, I would be your wife, dearest Yunnie- I’d even buy the ring and plan the wedding and honeymoon myself).
AND WHO THE COMPLAINED TO THE MANPOWER MINISTRY THAT I’M THE BIGGEST IN THE WORLD!?
Because that was just silly.
Flattery will get you nowhere...especially that promotion each and everyone of you already deserve... the paperwork are all in my tray actually, but since this unfortunate event has already caused so much damage (on my fabulously radiant skin especially), they’re what I’m going to be using to collect my cat’s poop this evening.
I also want you all to know that after this betrayal, I will have nothing but the highest and utmost disregard for all the work you have and will do for this magazine.
Aside to higher ing management, I expect a reply.
Now, you motherers.
A fabulously pissed off ,
Kim Jaejoong
Editor in chief, Higher Management
Blitz Korea
[email protected] (no excuses about bounced emails)
[email protected] (no excuses about super bouncy emails)
[email protected] (still dare to around, hmm!?)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; Higher_Management (group) minus HRDept (group) – why? Because I learnt from the fabulous Jaejoongieeeee
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:05am
RE: Complaints from the general population of staff... to the GOVERNMENT (of all people...*dramatic sigh)
SPECIAL EMAIL PROGRAMMING: This email will be purged from database 2 minutes after compulsory receipt of acknowledgement
Dearest Jaejoongie,
Happy Boss Day in advance, I’m not trying to piss you off, but I won’t be in tomorrow because some of my staff have organised a small intimate gathering to celebrate.
You’ll be delighted to know that evidence of the 4 complaint letters at the Manpower Ministry have been wiped off the face of this planet.
Again, Happy Boss Day in advance.
Warmest Regards from a very happy buddy and colleague,
Park Yoochun
Creative Director, Higher Management
Blitz Korea
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; Higher_Management (group) minus HRDept (group) – why? Because I am fabulous, duhhhhhhhh
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:06am
RE: RE: Complaints from the general population of staff... to the GOVERNMENT (of all people...*dramatic sigh)
Good morning motherer,
Thank you for the present.
But won’t the ministry come after me since I’m the biggest suspect of them all?
A fabulously pissed off and rather perplexed ,
Kim Jaejoong
Editor in chief, Higher Management
Blitz Korea
[email protected] (I trust the Higher Management can send an email with no hiccups)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; Higher_Management (group) minus HRDept (group) – why? Because I learnt from the fabulous Jaejoongieeeee
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:18am
RE: RE: RE: Complaints from the general population of staff... to the GOVERNMENT (of all people...*dramatic sigh)
SPECIAL EMAIL PROGRAMMING: This email and previously replied email to this thread from other parties will be purged from database 3 minutes after compulsory receipt of acknowledgement
Dearest darling Jaejoongie,
Don’t worry about a thing. You’ll get wrinkles.
Sincerest Regards,
Park Yoochun
From: [email protected]
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:19am
Title: YOU
See title.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]; Higher_Management (group)
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:49am
RE: Complaints from the general population of staff... to the GOVERNMENT
Dear Jaejoong,
I came to work this morning only to realise a genuine death certificate was nailed onto my door. And it was shockingly... mine.
I would like to assure you that I am very much alive and will be taking an emergency leave this afternoon to rectify this situation.
I don’t know how you managed to pull such a feat off, but just this paper alone has committed 28 Human Resources violations to your name and I am considering suing you.
I can only imagine how awful you currently feel to have been finally singled out for your actions. I would say justice is finally served.
I will see you in court, for the verbal and physical harassment of most of the staff in Blitz. And again somewhere in December on my hoax death.
Best,
Dorothy Choi
Human Resources Director, Higher Management and Human Resources Department
Blitz Korea
From: [email protected]
To: Higher_Management (group)
Sent: Wed 15-10, 10:38am
Title: Immediate Termination of Human Resources Director, Dorothy Choi
Dear Miss Choi,
Please be informed that as of 10:38am, 15th October 20XX, you have been hereby terminated from your post of Human Resources Director of Blitz Magazine (Korea Office).
The primary reason for your termination would be your failure to support the Editor in Chief in striving for what’s best for Blitz Magazine, which is in clause 108.38.4 of your contract as our Human Resources Director.
The company does not require you to serve any notice as your termination is of immediate effect. A letter of separation and compensation will be enclosed in a follow up email.
I would have dropped by your office earlier to wish you well on your first ‘Boss Day’ here at Blitz if I weren’t so busy putting together this termination package for you.
But then again, this saves me all the feigning of camaraderie as I don’t have to do so anymore since you’re no longer a boss...
Regards,
Jung Yunho
Assistant Director of Blitz Holdings
Advisor to the Editor-in-Chief of Blitz Korea
From: [email protected]
Sent: Wed 15-10, 9:19am
Resent: Wed 15-10, 10:45am
FW: YOU
See title.
I MISSED YOU ALL!
*VIRTUAL PIKACHU PLUSHIES FOR EVERYONE*
ANYWAY, TO ALL BOSSESS AND MANAGERS (READING) EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T BOSS ME AROUND OR MANAGE MY FAT A**,
HAPPY BOSS DAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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