HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL FILE: Blitz’s Letters

SECTION 1: Rejection Letters

(Written 6 years ago by: Kim Jaejoong)

Designer of Collection Entry 184,

This is a rejection letter.

If your collection submitted to Blitz for our fabulous ‘Annual Young Designers Runway Show’ is entitled: Swan Song, read on.

If not, feel free to laugh at this addressee’s fail. 

Allow me to tell you why your collection will not be shown at our fabulous runway show:

1) Un-fabulous work

You based your entire collection of dresses on swans.

Seriously?

You think your feathered mess is worth being showcased on our fabulous runway?

Maybe the bird park will accept it…maybe.

2) Workmanship

Invisible zip is visible, because it’s so badly sewn.

Invisible zip cannot be zipped up or down, also due to the above reason.

I do not want to continue pointing out how terribly bad your workmanship is or I’ll have no time to write rejection letters to 200 more failed designers.

To put it simply, you cannot sew.

Which school did you go to? I will make sure that school closes down.

I ING SWEAR. 

 3) You

I have a feeling that you lied about your particulars.

I had a look at your application form before writing this letter and frankly, I do not think you’re 36 years old.

I choose to believe that you’re trying to be funny in an attempt to impress me so you’re either 36 in dog or cat years.

Either way, it’s not working, and instead, I am ing fuming mad. You’re ing wasting my time here writing this rejection letter to you because designers from age 16 to 30 need apply for this Runway Showcase.

I have to follow Blitz’s strict procedures on having to write ed up rejection letters and hence, the creation of this piece of crap addressed to you.

Sympathetically yours,

Kim Jaejoong

Executive Fashion Editor

Blitz Magazine

(Written 2 years ago by: Jung Yunho)

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your interest in Blitz Magazine.

I regret to inform you that your writing portfolio is not up to our company’s standards, nor is your scope of writing compatible to our specialised fields, which is highly possible that you are not aware of them, so I’ll kindly educate you right now: Blitz Magazine deals with Lifestyle and Fashion.

If you wish to apply again in the future, I sincerely hope to see more than just adult themed articles.

You might want to consider applying to top-shelf magazines, as I can easily deduce that that is your area of expertise.

On a lighter note, you will be first on my calling list to be hired if Blitz ever decides to swing in your direction.

Regards,

Jung Yunho

Editor-in-Chief

Blitz Magazine

SECTION 2: Subscriptions

(Written last month by: Kim Jaejoong)

Blitz Magazine Reader,

This is a rejection letter rejecting the termination of your subscription to Blitz Magazine.  

You subscribed to our fabulous magazine only 3 months ago and yet you decided to just cruelly drop a sloppily written subscription termination email to my company a week ago.

What’s worse is that you stated that you wanted a full refund for your 2 years subscription.

Do enlighten me, what is so unsatisfactory about Blitz Magazine?

Blitz is South Korea’s top selling magazine for 15 years straight, 16, including next year and I dare say it because we’re that fabulously perfect.

Fashion and Lifestyle websites cite us because we’re so ing accurate about every single thing right, down to minor details in our articles.

There are only 2 reasons as to why you have decided to stupidly unsubscribe to us.

1) Blitz is so perfect, it scares the out of you.

2) You’re from one of the many struggling-to-survive-magazines and decided to bruise Blitz’s ing huge ego. 

Well, if it’s the first reason, I will willingly give you back your refund and upgrade your status to: LIFETIME SUBSCRIBER, so you’ll still receive our magazine for the rest of your life FOR FREE because I find great pleasure in rubbing our company’s perfection in your terribly ugly face. If you’re thinking about moving out just to change your address so you won’t have to receive our fabulous magazines, I suggest you don’t. We will always find you. Always.

But if it’s the second reason, congratulations, you have definitely pissed me off. I have already discovered your IP address so it’ll be very easy for me to physically hunt you down. And very soon, I’ll be paying you a face-to-face visit, so make sure you’re at home or I’ll have to cause a big ruckus at your workplace, shaming you in front of your colleagues.

Hating you with utmost passion,

Kim Jaejoong.

Editor-in-Chief

Blitz Magazine

There were hordes of girls chatting incessantly outside the Human Resources Department of Blitz’s building.

‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ Yunho muttered when he walked past the crowd with Yoochun and into the interview room. 

‘Why? It’s normal for us to get loads of part-time applicants during school holidays,’ Yoochun replied casually as he took a seat beside the elder.

‘This year’s feel is off,’ Yunho frowned as he studied the girls though the room’s glass windows.

‘Anyone that caught your attention?’ Yoochun wiggled his brows suggestively but ceased it instantly when Yunho gave him a dead scary glare.  

There was a knock on the door before Yoochun secretary came in ask if the duo were ready to start the interviews.

Yoochun nodded.

‘Why not work for some other magazine?’ Yoochun asked.

‘I want to work for the best.’ The interviewee beamed.

Yunho gave a halfhearted groan that sounded somewhat like a badly wounded employee who just got bashed up by Jaejoong verbally and physically. 

The interviewee gave a quick glance and frowned inwardly when she realised that Yunho still had that annoyingly uninterested look on his face since the start of the interview session.

Yoochun on the other hand seemed to have been won over because the interviewee showered Blitz with loads of praises (the girl was obviously bootlicking but since Yoochun and Yunho still had loads of work to be done, the younger decided to be an idiot that day).  

‘You’re hired!’ Yoochun stood up and shook hands with the girl who had a smile as bright as Yoochun’s.

Realising that Yunho was still sitting on his seat like an unhappy child who was denied the Sudoku puzzle book he wanted, Yoochun pulled the elder up by the arm and forced a hand out so Yunho could shake hands with the new temporary part-timer for the mailroom.

Yunho pulled back as soon as their fingers touched.

Yunho then immediately pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer from his blazer’s pocket and made a big show of cleaning his hands thoroughly.

Yoochun face palmed.

‘I’m telling you, those girls you hired were off,’ Yunho bugged Yoochun on the way out of the office.

‘I’ll tell you who’s off, you are.’ Yoochun spun on his heels and faced Yunho.

‘I’m not, they are.’ Yunho sulked.

‘Care to explain? I don’t have those extrasensory powers like you do,’ Yoochun started to walk towards the lift.

‘It’s just off.’

Yoochun clapped his hands, ‘For the first time ever, Jung Yunho is being incoherent.’

‘Okay, fine, hold on,’ Yunho seemed to be deep in thought for a while before he continued, ‘All the applicants… about 90% of them seem to know each other.’

‘Humans are social creatures and besides, they might be from the same school.’ Yoochun countered.

‘No, the feeling I get from them is that they seem to be after something.’

‘A job.’

‘Yoochun, don’t make me scream at you.’ Yunho gave an exasperated sigh.

‘I’d love to hear you scream.’ Yoochun beamed.

‘I’m not going to continue explaining to you when you’re acting so…un-Yoochun-like. In the meantime, I’m going to keep my eye on those part-timers.’

‘As usual, you’re thinking too much, but anyways, have fun on another one of your ninja missions then.’ Yoochun waved goodbye to Yunho.

Jaejoong wanted to do a fashion consumer analysis so you both were eating cotton candy on the roadside while watching over the prime fashion district of Seoul.

‘Half an hour’s gone by,’ you handed Jaejoong his spray on sun block which cost the same as the monthly rent you paid for your apartment back when you lived alone.

‘Ooo, thanks wifey,’ Jaejoong exchanged the sugary treat in his hand for the sun block.

‘Can we get back to the office soon? I’m feeling so drenched!’ You were sweating like a pig in your tee-shirt and jeans outfit and you couldn’t help but sulk at the fact that Jaejoong was in a ridiculously loud suit of cashmere and yet, was still looking ing fabulously flawless.

‘But we aren't doing anything…strenuous,’ Jaejoong whispered into your ear and you shivered.

‘Stop that mind trick ,’ you couldn’t help but blush.

‘AHH!’ Jaejoong beamed and immediately stood up excitedly, ‘It’s been so long since we last went on a date.’

‘Hold on,’ you frowned, ‘I can’t think of anything.’

‘Who said you’re supposed to be the organiser for this one?’ Jaejoong pouted.

You gaped, ‘YOU’RE GOING TO BRING ME ON A DATE?’

‘WHY ARE YOU LOOKING SO ING SURPRISED!? I’M SO ING HURT!’ Jaejoong cried.

‘LET’S STOP SCREAMING AND ING GO ON A DATE NOW!’ You smiled.

‘THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL SCREAMING?’

‘BECAUSE I’M SO ING EXCITED!’

‘ME TOO!’

‘OH MY GAWD, PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US LIKE AS IF WE’RE CRAZY,’ you both were now walking down the busy fashion street.

‘THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE STILL SCREAMING!’

The both of you spent rest of the late morning at a playground, destroyed a swing when both of you sat on it and Jaejoong screamed his head off when a kid accidentally threw a ball at his head.

‘This head,’ Jaejoong kept jabbing his index at his temple, ‘is the reason why your mother over there is wearing the latest Kenzo skirt paired up with those fabulously pretty Ferragamo heels and also the reason why she dressed you up so impeccably for a nasty kid your age.’

The boy’s lips quivered, with tears threatening to burst out at any second.

‘Jaejoong,’ you sighed, ‘let it go, it’s just a ball, not a knife or something.’

‘BUT IT WAS THROWN AT MY HEAD!’

‘Accidentally, and besides, we’re not supposed to be hogging the playground in the first place.’

‘BUT-’ you cut off Jaejoong by pressing your lips on his velvety soft ones.

You broke the kiss with a frown when Jaejoong started to moan like a and felt him grabbing your , well aware that there was a confused kid looking up at you both, successfully dirtying his innocent mind forever.

The little boy turned around and walked with unsteady steps towards his mother at the other end of the playground.

‘We better get back to the office now,’ you checked your watch, ‘You have a meeting after lunch.’

‘But I wanted to have a go at the merry-go-round,’ Jaejoong pouted.

‘Stop pouting,’ you gave a defeated sigh and held his hand as you both went towards the said rotating circular platform, ‘Never played on this before?’

Jaejoong still had that irresistibly cute yet y pout on his face while shaking his head, ‘But I was hoping my first time would be with you.’

‘MY GAWD, CAN YOU STOP WORD PLAYING!’ You blushed.

‘What!?’ Jaejoong started to blink profusely, pretending to look innocent and succeeded damn well at that.

‘ YOU AND YOUR MIND GAMES,’ you jumped onto the merry-go-round and kissed him senseless.

‘We’re going to get arrested,’ Jaejoong broke the kiss for a second before continuing to ravish your mouth.

‘Who cares,’ you laughed and squished Jaejoong to death, ‘Why are you so fabulously irresistible?’

Jaejoong just giggled, ‘You’re using my word.’

‘Guess it rubbed off on me,’ you shrugged.

‘Hmm, I like that word.’ Jaejoong muttered, with his mouth too dangerously close to your ear as he played with your hair with those slender digits of his.

You shivered, ‘Jaejoong, we really need to get back to the office and besides, there’s a queue for this thing,’ you noted that kids were cutely lined up to use the merry-go-round you both were now hogging while lying on top of each other.

‘Is this the new way to ride this?’ A girl asked with huge eyes.

‘Yeah, it’s more fun that way,’ Jaejoong got off you.

‘JAEJOONG!’ You strangled your fabulously impossible husband.

‘That stinks,’ you pinched your nose when Yoochun settled down at the table of the cafeteria with the tuna sandwich he ordered.

‘Really?’ Yoochun brought the plate under his nose to sniff at it, ‘There’s nothing wrong with it.’

You frowned, ‘But it really does smell dreadful.’

‘Maybe the stench is coming from you, did you bathe this morning?’ Jaejoong looked up at you from his phone’s screen.

‘You , the was that!?’ You screeched.

‘Couples shouldn’t fight, shhhhh!’ Yoochun cut in.

‘Argh, I’m out of here.’ You got up, kicked the chair with extreme irritation that came from Gawd knows where and walked out of the cafeteria.

Perhaps you were just ually frustrated after all that happened earlier at the playground. 

Stomping your way into the lift as soon as one of the doors opened, you crashed head on into Yunho who was getting out from it.

‘FUC- Oh, sorry.’ You scratched your head embarrassedly.

‘Who made you so angry?’ Yunho asked as he stepped back into the lift so he could talk to you.

‘I don’t know. I think I’m PMS-ing.’ You frowned hard.

‘Oh.’ Yunho answered flatly.

‘!’ You came to a sudden realisation.

‘Language,’ it was the elder’s turn to frown.

‘I was reminded of my period.’

Yunho simply gave you a blank look.

You looked up at him expectantly, hoping that he’d roughly get a idea of what the current situation was. 

‘My apologies, I’m slow when it comes to such stuff…but allow me to voice out what I think you’re trying to say.’

You gestured for Yunho to go on.

‘You haven’t been having your thing for quite some time?’

You gulped and nodded.

Yunho’s eyes went wide and pressed the B1 button.

‘Where are we going?’ You asked confusedly.

‘To get you a pregnancy test kit of course.’ Yunho replied calmly.

‘This is random, but you’ve been riding this lift up and down for a few times now.’ You laughed and the elder nodded with a small smile.

‘Hey…can I get…err…’ You were lost for words for the first time in your life.

The pharmacist was looking back and forth between you and Yunho before she smiled knowingly, ‘I know what you’re looking for.’

You scratched your head rather embarrassedly while Yunho simply kept a blank look on his face while you both followed the woman across a few aisles and stood before what you had set out to purchase.

‘You both make such a wonderful couple,’ she commented with a smile as she handed you the kit, ‘I’m sure it’ll be a beautiful baby.’

‘He’s n-not my…’ you stuttered.

‘I’m her brother-in-law,’ Yunho clarified.

‘Oh my, how complicated,’ she gaped.

‘It’s not what you think it is,’ you gave her a weak smile before tugging at Yunho’s arm to escape and pay for the item in your hand.

When you both got to the cashier, the woman took the kit from you and gave you a wink while whispering, ‘Good catch.’

You almost wanted to correct her when Yunho casually draped his arm around your shoulder while muttering softly without moving his lips, ‘Just play along, I’m not going though another round of misunderstanding.’

You looked up at Yunho for a moment before turning back to smile at the cashier, ‘Yeah, most supporting husband ever.’

HAVE YOU GUYS CHECKED OUT 'CATCH ME'?

MY FIRST IMPRESSION WAS: THEY MUST BE THE LATEST DEADLY VIRUS.

YES, I WANNA CATCH YOU, SO I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. 

FEEL FREE TO FANGIRL ABOUT IT, NOT FORGETTING TO COMMENT ON THIS CHAPTER OF COURSE, HA.