ISSUE ⑮
Blitz Magazine
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]
Subject: The Interns
Good Fashionable Evening,
Our fabulous Wardrobe will be welcoming 5 interns tomorrow. Please do the necessary spring-cleaning of the department and get 5 desks and chairs ready for our new slaves.
I will be assigning them in this manner:
Number 1: Supervise Intern 1 and 2
Number 2: Supervise Intern 3 and 4
Number 3: You will not be assigned any interns because you will be going for a special training for the next 3 months effective from tomorrow with the Styling Team. Don’t be too happy, I have specifically arranged for the iest Stylist to breathe down your neck and whip your real hard. You’re welcome.
Number 4: Supervise Intern 5
What each intern should be doing:
Intern 1: Mainly dry cleaning and collection duties
Intern 2: Corresponding with the Fashion Brands/Labels
Intern 3: Corresponding with Styling Team
Intern 4: Corresponding with Fashion Team
Intern 5: Data Entry and Inventory Checks
Additional note: Blitz pays way more than the market rate for Interns, so if you want to do the company a real big favour, exploit them and milk them for every single cent we pay them. They can’t do a thing because they’re working for their Credit Units and a good grade at the end of the 2 months internship. Plus, everyone in the world knows that Interns are supposed to be mistreated like sweatshop workers and with the fact that they are known to do anything to up for a good internship grade, I don’t see we should be blamed, they’re basically asking for it.
What each Fashion Assistant can choose to do now:
- If you realise that the intern(s) assigned to you is of ‘good quality’: You may choose to push all your work to him/her/it/them. Make sure they do a good job though, or I will personally address this with you.
- Bad intern: Tough luck then, you might be doing more work than ever. Why? Because if the lousy intern assigned to you gives me lousy work, I will also personally address this with you.
Do take note that the Human Resources Budget Meeting is around the corner. Yes, that’s right, I have the power to grant you a bonus, give you a raise or I can easily cut your paycheque’s figure in half (BEST case scenario). These interns can make or break your rice bowl so make sure you have them on a tight leash ( much).
So if you stupidly decide to mess with Kim Jaejoong, by all means go ahead. I’ll do more than just mess up your finances.
With all that said, I will see all of you, except Number 3, tomorrow for work.
Your FABULOUS Department head,
Jaejoong.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: The Interns
Good Evening Jaejoong.
That was extremely nice of you to get your department’s staff to work the interns extra hard for their measly salaries and university credit units.
I wish that Mr. Park Yoochun, our dear Lifestyle Director, were as passionate as you are in simulating a work environment complete with utmost pressure for his own interns.
Below is a screenshot I have captured from his email to his department staff:
Hello my DEAR Writing Department staff!
I am very happy to announce the arrival of 3 intern writers into our department tomorrow! Please treat them nicely and guide them along as they are new and do not know much about working life.
Please direct them to me if you are unable to help them out.
We’ll be having a welcoming party for them after work at the cafeteria at 9pm to get them to break the ice and allow us all to know one another better!
I am so very excited that I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep later tonight!
My sincerest apologies for emailing you guys after office hours!
Sweet dreams everyone!
With love,
Yoochun.
I had just received a text from Mr. Park half an hour ago to inform me that I was invited for this welcoming party as stated in the email shared above. I have not replied him yet because I am still speechless.
Regards,
Jung Yunho.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Park Yoochun is a disgrace to Blitz
Hello Yunnie,
I have overheard before on countless occasions that a definite 100% of Yoochun’s department staff (which is a whooping 2/5 of the total Blitz employees) worships him.
I can now clearly see why.
Who in the right mind sends emails to their own staff in Comic Sans Serif fonts?
That is absolutely informal, childish and unbefitting of someone with such a high position in the fabulous company called Blitz.
I have never used it, not even as a child.
I cannot believe that I have been associating with such a moron for almost half of my fabulous life. I need a holiday to detoxify my unclean self.
Did he Cc this to you?
I think I’ll be having nightmares tonight so I shall refrain from sleeping and head back to the office now to plan some style sheets.
You should forward my email: The Interns to Yoochun and the subject title should be:
Model example of an email to be sent to department staff regarding the Treatment of Interns.
Tell him that you won’t be attending the party. Besides, it starts at 9pm, which is not ideal for you as you’ll get all fidgety and suffer from spasms.
No, I am not making fun of your condition, I’m just being a younger brother who cares about his elder sibling’s wellbeing.
Your FABULOUS younger brother,
Jaejoong.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Park Yoochun is a disgrace to Blitz
Good Evening Jaejoong,
As per your request I have forwarded your email: The Interns, to Mr. Park.
I told him it was a good reference to aid him in writing up a proper email to his staff for next year’s batch of interns.
He did not Cc the email to me. After reading your amazingly written ‘The Interns’ email,I had the sudden urge to read Mr. Park’s. Being The Boss, I went into his working email account and read his version and was thoroughly disappointed.
You are coming back to the office to get some work done? How convenient, I am still in the office as well. I could come down to the ‘Wardrobe’ so we can get our work done together.
I have replied to Mr. Park’s text stating that I am too busy to participate in that last minute party of his and that his department has to clear up properly after using the cafeteria.
Regards,
Jung Yunho.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Sure, Yunnie
Sure, Yunnie.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Sure, Yunnie
Jaejoong,
You were talking about me coming down to your department to do work with you right?
Regards,
Jung Yunho.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Yes, Yunnie.
Yes, Yunnie.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Yes, Yunnie.
Jaejoong,
Noted.
Regards,
Jung Yunho.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: The Interns
Kim-ing-bipolar-but-ing-hot-Jaejoong,
YOU ARE SUCH A HEARTLESS !
ING BASTARD!
With much hatred,
Number 4.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: The Interns
Greetings Number 4,
You said: YOU ARE SUCH A HEARTLESS !
I say: No and Yes.
- I have an extremely healthy heart because of my strict diet and I am therefore, very much alive.
- Yes, I am a , only figuratively though.
You said: ING BASTARD!
I say: No, I am not a bastard. I even have two sets of parents.
With equal level of hatred sent back at you while looking utterly fabulous,
Jaejoong.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: The Interns
YOU.
With much hatred,
Number 4.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: The Interns
Hello again Number 4,
Thanks for the compliment.
The word ‘perfection’ is a total understatement in describing,
Kim Jaejoong.
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PLEASE COMMENT BECAUSE THIS DRAINED WRITER WAS TORTURED IN SCHOOL TODAY DESPITE IT BEING THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW ACADEMIC YEAR.
I CAN ALREADY FEEL THE WHITE HAIR GROWING... NO WAIT, MY HAIR'S DROPPING INSTEAD...
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