While sitting in Sehun’s car, I realized that my chest hurt because I pity myself. Me, a simple girl who tried to have a normal life, ended up almost being rapped because of someone else. The tears stopped and I was left with a bitter feeling. A feeling that made me hurt and a feeling that made me feel something I never felt. My heart didn’t beat faster when Sehun placed his hand on my knee because I was scared of him, it started beating faster because I suddenly craved for his touch. But the blame, the hatred if I can call it that, was so much stronger. I was angry, and so hurt that all of this happened because of Sehun. When his hand started rubbing my knee, trying to give me comfort, I pulled my knee away and turned my head towards the window. I felt Sehun’s eyes on me, the car slowly coming to a stop. We were in front of So Young’s apartment. I already left a message that I had to leave earlier, I just hope she won’t be too surprised to see me in her apartment since I didn’t tell her. I can’t go home looking like this, my parents would be so worried. Going to Sehun’s is not even going to happen, I want to stay away from him. I want to sort out my thoughts, painful thoughts about him.

“Chae-Yeong, we are here” His voice was quiet, almost soft. I nodded, undoing my seatbelt. When I opened my door, Sehun was already out the car, coming to my side.

“I’ll walk you up” He said, searching for my eyes.

“I can go alone” I muttered, starting to walk.

“I insist” Sehun said firmly and I just walked, knowing I couldn’t argue with him. If he wants something, he gets it. Perhaps, not from me. I’m not like everyone else, I’m not going to obey him and make his wishes come true.

The walk to the elevator was silent and grim. Sehun tried taking my hand into his more times, but I pulled away, ignoring him. The elevator doors opened and a laughing elderly pair came outside, smiling widely at us.

“Good evening, dears” The lady greeted us and I quietly muttered a ‘good evening’, getting quickly inside the elevator. Sehun was quick to follow me inside, much to my disappointment. The doors closed and I pushed the 15th floor button. The elevator started to ascend as Sehun moved closer in the empty elevator, making me move away from him. He sighed loudly and longly, reaching for my hand again. I pulled it away and glared at him.

“Will you understand I don’t want you to touch me?” I harshly asked, still glaring “Now I told you, so you know”

“Chae-Yeong, please. I’m so sorry, I--”

“I don’t care, Sehun” I scoffed, facing him “You think sorry will repair this? Everything? It’s too late now”

“I just--I know” He frowned “I know it won’t do anything, I know you probably hate me more--please don’t push me away now, just don’t do it, please”

“You are right, I hate you” My lips trembled as I said those words, for the first time saying them and meaning them “Why now? Why do you want me close after everything? Why now? Am I your plaything? You think, you can just play with my feelings? I’ve had enough--”

The elevator doors opened and I stormed outside, wanting to get away from Sehun. I need to be alone right now, alone.

“Chae-Yeong, I know I was wrong to do all that but I can’t have you pushing me away now--”

“Why now!” I exclaimed, uncaring we were in the hallway “I don’t want to see you ever again. I want you gone, Sehun! Leave me alone! I’m like this because of you! I can’t love myself because of you! Leave me...alone”

Sehun’s back slouched as I tried opening the door with my shaking hands, keys jingling. My eyes were filled with tears again and I couldn’t stop the sob. It hurt, saying those things to him, but it hurt me more having to go through all this. Finally, the door clicked open and I barged inside, chest heaving up and down. Turning around, I fought back a sob, watching Sehun’s red eyes. He was holding back, he didn’t want to cry in front of me.

“I’m sorry” His voice was defeated, pleading as I closed the door and leaned against it. I suddenly burst, the pain too much and I started crying loudly, sliding down against the door. Why did it have to be like this? Why did I have to like him? Why did he have to kiss me for me to realize that I still like him? It makes it so much more difficult, I just want to scream until I fall unconscious. Last time I was hurting this much was when Bo-Yeong died.

Pushing up from the floor, I took off my boots and left my purse on the floor, going to the bathroom. Tying my hair in a ponytail, I the faucet in the shower and sat underneath the cold water, letting the tears fall once again.

“Bo-Yeong” I called out faintly, skin covered in goosebumps “Can you hear me? What did I do wrong? Perhaps, did I break someone’s heart in my other life to feel mine breaking now? Why do I like Sehun? Why did he do this to me? Why is my life like this? I feel so hurt, so bad I just want it to stop”

Sobbing a little, I leaned my forehead against my knees, body shaking from the cold water.

“I have to let him go, if I want to be okay--I have to let him go” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. His hurt face entered my mind when I closed my eyes and I abruptly stood up, closing off the water.

“He got what he deserved” I muttered to myself, stripping of my wet clothes “I was always hurt because of him and now he’s hurting because of me, we are even now”

After taking a warm shower I finally stopped crying, I dried myself and wore one of So Young’s pajamas, getting in her bed. She won’t be mad, I know she won’t be. She’ll understand after I tell her everything tomorrow, she will joke about it and life will go on. Clutching my phone in my hands, I opened it. But for me, for life to go on, I need to get rid of one person. I wanted to delete Sehun’s number but I accidentally went to messages. I had one unread message from him. At least I can hear him out before forget about him for forever.

“Chae-Yeong, I know I’ve been saying this the whole night but I’m truly sorry. I know tonight you’ve been hurt like never before and I know it’s my fault. You can hate me, I understand. I’m a horrible person and I know I don’t deserve you in my life. You are too good, something I don’t deserve. You asked me to stay away from you and I will do that, you won’t be bothered by me again. I’m sorry we ended up like this, but it’s my fault. The least I can do is grant your wish, I hope one day you’ll forgive me. Goodbye, Chae-Yeong”

After re-reading the message more times, with shaking fingers I deleted his number. We are horrible people, both of us. Hurting each other like that, we don’t deserve each other.

The weekend passed by in a blur, by me spending my days with So Young. I told my parents I wanted to catch up with her and they understood, let me to stay with her for the weekend. It felt good, refreshing to be away from my house and parents. I told So Young about Sehun and she told me if I wanted this, then I did well. I forgot about him, or at least I’m trying. I can’t do anything else, this is my choice and I will keep true to my words. But whenever I closed my eyes, his lips appeared in my head and I still felt their wamness. It was frustrating, because how can you forget a person when you keep repeating one moment in your head with him? My right hand hurting told me it was really fine to forget him, to get him out of my life. It was time for a new chapter, of which he wasn’t part of.

Monday also came and I left So Young’ apartment fresh and with an almost smile on my face. I left my things at her so I would have to come back after school to get them.

The school was filled with happy students, it seemed like our high school once again won. We became the best in the city and that made everyone very proud. I couldn’t share their joy, my time wasn’t pleasant at all. But it’s okay, I’m over it now.

I didn’t see much of my friends either, all of us having separate classes. And I didn’t see Sehun either. He kept true to his words, he stayed away. However, my ears perked up when I was at my locker to get my book and overheard Junmyeon and Jongdae.

“Sehun didn’t come to school?” Junmyeon asked quietly.

“No, he’s not in school and I called him but he didn’t answer” Jongdae said with a sigh, closing his eyes.

“He went back to Busan again?” Junmyeon wondered, making me wonder as well. I pretended to look around my locker just to be able to hear their conversation.

“He didn’t, my grandmother said Sehun didn’t leave the apartment since Friday” Jongdae said.

“He wasn’t at the match either” Junmyeon frowned and I would have listened further if not for someone startling me.

“How’s my favorite person?” Jackson grinned at me.

“Good, and you?” I smiled back, closing my locker.

“Sad, you weren’t there at the match” Jackson loudly whined, gaining two males attention.

“Oh, I--I was there, I just--” I my lips, glancing at Junmyeon and Jongdae who were listening to us curiously.

“I had to leave earlier, something came up” I smiled apologetically at Jackson “I’m really sorry, but I’m very happy you won”

“Ah, me too” Jackson grinned happily and I went in for a hug.

“Congratulations” I patted his back and pulled back, offering him a warm smile.

“I’m lucky to have you as my friend” Jackson chuckled, ruffling my hair “Come, I’ll walk you to class”

Nodding at him, I walked away with Jackson, ignoring the hard gazes Junmyeon and Jongdae directed at my retreating form. Hopefully they aren’t smart enough to connect the dots and realize Sehun and I were together on Friday. Which makes me wonder...where is Sehun?

School ended and I was happily making my way to So Young’s apartment, knowing she’d be home. She would only start working next week at the school, back at her job as an English teacher. I wasn’t wrong when I thought she’d cook something tasty, I was greeted with the amazing smell of noodle so