CHARACTERS · Luhan, Lay, Sehun

STATUS · Complete

DESCRIPTION · Luhan was accused of Oh Sehun's death. Luhan denied, he insisted he's innocent. Detective Zhang Yixing's here to find out if Luhan's telling the truth through an interrogation.

As for your foreword, you chose to insert a prologue of the story. It’s good that the whole passage wasn’t included in the actual chapter again, because that would put some reader off due to having to read something again. The prologue sets the scene for the story and gives it some background information, which helps your reader to understand the plotline more easily.

Your tags are very well used!

They layout of your work is clean and simple. You’ve chosen to use two different fonts for the different time frames and that makes it very easy for the readers to notice and understand if they happen to miss the subtitles with the dates and times. The fonts you chosen are standard ones, ones that are legible and clean. Well done!

Luhan - he’s the main character and he seems to be the calm type, however that doesn’t last long because he slowly cracks throughout the interrogation. He has a complex character and it’s hard to see what he actually is like. He’s mysterious and barely anything is known about him deep down. I think that coming up with such a complicated character is very hard, so you’ve done a good job in creating him!

Sehun - I think some people might see him as the antagonist in the story because he ‘stole’ Luhan’s ex-girlfriend and dated her, whereas in fact, he’s the one that should be given sympathy because Luhan’s ex-girlfriend broke up with him while his best friend doubted him.

Lay/Yixing - this one is a little hard to write about due to the doubling of his character. Lay, the detective, is strong-willed and determined. He will get down to the bottom of the case no matter what. However, Lay, the young boy, is innocent. He has pitiful past and ending. However, the appearance of this young boy became the turning point in the story because he witness the suicide of Sehun and experienced the ‘care’ from Luhan afterwards, leading Luhan to commit a crime.

Overall, your characters are very complex and it’s very admirable that you’ve managed to write about them in your story as you did. Well done!

In summary, I think your plot is different, but I think there are places where you can develop it a little more. For example, you try and name Luhan’s mental condition so your readers can have some idea about the symptoms that he experiences, though that would mean a lot of research and being very careful because it would most likely contain triggers.

Anyway, well done on creating this story!

ORIGINAL: "He forgot to drink his medicine, so he has to rub his head to ease the pain that he was feeling"
CORRECTED: "He forgot to drink his medicine, so he had to rub his head to ease the pain that he was feeling"

ORIGINAL: "Luhan has an enigmatic look on his face, he doesn’t exactly know what to feel."
CORRECTED: "Luhan had an enigmatic look on his face, he didn't exactly know what to feel."

ORIGINAL: "Lay does not want to be outsmart by an actor"
CORRECTED: "Lay did not want to be outsmarted by an actor"

ORIGINAL: "he does not want Luhan to scheme his crime over the interrogation"
CORRECTED: "he did not want Luhan to scheme his crime over the interrogation"

ORIGINAL: "He gulped; he does not exactly know what to feel"
CORRECTED: "He gulped; he did not exactly know what to feel"

There are some examples of general things I’ve noticed as well:

ORIGINAL: "But he couldn’t calm down after all the event that happened"
CORRECTED: "But he couldn’t calm down after everything that happened"

ORIGINAL: "Luhan did not spoke a word"
CORRECTED: "Luhan did not speak a word"

ORIGINAL: "Luhan responded with an unlikely tone"
Try look for other substitutes because this doesn't really make sense.

ORIGINAL: "but he tried to compose his self"
CORRECTED: "but he tried to compose himself"

ORIGINAL: "The way he felt Luhan inside the room made his suspicions clearer"
CORRECTED: "The way Luhan acted inside the room made his suspicions clearer"

ORIGINAL: "Actors have their ways, so as detectives"
CORRECTED: "Actors have their ways, so do detectives"

ORIGINAL: "Luhan looked at the detective who just raised his brow for the sudden surprise"
CORRECTED: "Luhan looked at the detective who just raised his brow at the sudden surprise"

ORIGINAL: "A thin warm air..."
CORRECTED: "Thin warm air..."

ORIGINAL: "A door sound from behind..."
CORRECTED: "The sound of a door opening from behind..."

ORIGINAL: "Sehun froze from his position, felt stabbed right to the heart."
CORRECTED: "Sehun froze in his position and felt stabbed right in the heart."

Also, instead of ‘suspect of a murder’, I would recommend you using ‘murder suspect’ as it’s more used in general, especially in crime. Furthermore, try not to start sentences with 'and' or 'but', try and find connectives likes ‘moreover’ and ‘however’ - it’ll make your work sound more professional.

As for you spelling, there aren’t any problems that I’ve spotted, but you punctuation can be improved, especially in the use of commas and semicolons. I think you’ll really benefit from getting a beta-reader to proofread your work to scan for small mistakes like these.