>> A Purrfect Love Story
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY yoonminfly
STATUS. Ongoing
DESCRIPTION.
The last time Jimin checks he doesn’t have any cute short blond guy who spits snarky comment whenever he opens his mouth, as a housemate.
In fact, he lives alone.
And where the is the stray cat he found yesterday has gone?
In which Jimin brings home what he thinks cat but actually isn't 100% real cat.
Chaos ensues.
I think the title is really cute! It really suits the story, but I think when you start to write about some ‘rated’ contents, the title might be a little too innocent for it. Though, I do think if you are going to develop the story into a fluffy fic, the title would be purrfect!
Description, foreword & tags. 7/10.
Your description is quite simple, but I think it does give a little too much away, especially since it’s pretty easy to predict what is going to happen in the story with the few lines you’ve written. However, I think the use of the word ‘’ in the description is not a very good idea, since your story is not rated and it surely did surprise me when I read the word because I was expecting the story to be full of fluffy language.
On the other hand, your foreword and tags seem completely fine to me!
Appearance: graphics. 5/5, display. 5/5
I absolutely adore your poster! It’s probably one of the cutest posters I’ve ever seen! The colour theme fits very well with the theme of the story and together with the background, they give off a really relaxed and chill vibe that is perfect for reading fluffy stories!
The overall display of your story is very clean and pleasing to the eyes. It makes it easy to read your story without being distracted by fancy graphics or gifs as backgrounds. Well done!
Characterisation. 5/10
I think Jimin’s character is a little hard to understand for me. At first, he gave off the really innocent image of boy who just smiles his way through life, but I got quite confused when he started saying cuss words and getting annoyed at Yoongi. I do kind of see why he would be annoyed at Yoongi, but I would have thought he’d be very patient with Yoongi.
Yoongi, on the other hand, can be read a lot easier than Jimin. His grumpy personality is always present, whether he’s a cat or a human. I think his character is a lot simpler too, since he enjoys teasing Jimin, and in some sense, he is the one controlling Jimin.
I think right now, with only two chapters, the characterisation is rather limited, and I do hope within the next couple of chapters you will be able to develop these characters further so your story will be more complete and easier to enjoy!
Plot. 6/20
The plot is something that’s rather common, I would say. This is definitely not the first time I’ve seen such a plot on AFF. It’s awfully cute and fluffy, which is a good thing because the title says it all. However, at some point, I think you’ve strayed from your original idea of a fluffy story to a rather mixed plot. I can’t tell whether you’re aiming for a cute and innocent theme or if you’re going into the topics that should be rated as mature. I think it would be useful if you have the main storyline written out and then working around it by adding in different ideas so that it wouldn’t be so confusing the read.
I think the ending of the story is pretty much obvious, but it’s the middle bits that I think you need figuring out before you write more so you, as well as your readers, are sure where you’re going with the plot. It can be difficult and hard when you’re creating the plotline, but I think reading other fics will help you with some ideas, but please do not copy the ideas from the other fics! Perhaps you can watch some of Bangtan’s videos for some inspiration - especially the Bangtan Bombs and Rookie King - there are a lot of Yoonmin moments that you can pick up on and hopefully incorporate into the plot!
Keep working at it and you’ll eventually get there!
Consistency/flow. 6/10
I’d have to say the consistency of your story is lacking a little bit. There are places where the jumps in scenes are too sudden, which do confuse people. I think you’d benefit from adding in some page dividers so your readers know that the current scene has finished and that something else is going on.
Other than that, I think you’re skipping through the days quite quickly. You’ve went from the night Jimin picked Yoongi up, to the next morning, and then suddenly to a few days later. I honestly think writing about those days in the middle would be the most interesting because you can talk about how the two are adjusting around each other and come across difficulties due to their difference in lifestyles.
Also, even though what I’m about to point out doesn’t really fit into this category, I think it’s a good place to bring it up. I think your prologue chapter can be named as chapter one instead, since there wasn’t really a need for a prologue. Plus, a chapter two after the prologue doesn’t make sense - you can either turn the prologue into chapter one, or change chapter two into chapter one.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 7/15
There are quite a lot of mistakes that I’m seeing, but since English is not your first language, I do have to congratulate you for making it this far! I think getting a beta-reader to look over your work would be good, especially since your tenses are a little muddled up, and your sentence structures are a little wobbly. Here are some examples that I picked up (I didn’t manage to fit all of the things I found onto the review):
Description
ORIGINAL: The last time Jimin checks he doesn't have any cute short blond guy who spits snarky comment whenever he opens his mouth, as a housemate.
CORRECTED: The last time Jimin checked, he didn't have a cute short blond guy, who spits snarky comments whenever he opens his mouth, as a housemate.
ORIGINAL: And where the is the stray cat he found yesterday has gone?
CORRECTED (1): And where the did the stray cat he found yesterday go?
CORRECTED (2): And where the is the stray cat he found yesterday?
ORIGINAL: In which Jimin brings home what he thinks cat but actually isn't 100% real cat.
CORRECTED: In which Jimin brings home what he thinks is a cat, but actually isn't 100% real cat.
Prologue
ORIGINAL: Dancing for hours had taking a toll on his body.
CORRECTED: Dancing for hours has taken a toll on his body.
ORIGINAL: "No need to, hyung thanks."
CORRECTED: "No need to hyung, thanks."
ORIGINAL: The man had a mother to take care at home and a boyfriend named Taehyung to get picked up at work.
CORRECTED: The man had a mother to take care of at home and a boyfriend named Taehyung to get picked up from work.
ORIGINAL: Park Jimin or better known as Jimin was a country boy, leaving Busan and came to Seoul a few months ago to pursue his dream as a dancer.
CORRECTED: park Jimin, or better known as Jimin, was a country boy who left Busan and came to Seoul a few months ago to pursue his dream as a dancer.
ORIGINAL: Being a part-timer as a waiter in a restaurant didn't pay him much, making him try to save money as possible.
CORRECTED: Being a part-timer as a waiter in a restaurant didn't pay him much, causing him to try to save money as much as possible.
ORIGINAL: Suddenly a thunder could be heard and a few moments later it's raining heavily.
CORRECTED: Suddenly, thunder could be heard and a few moments later, it was raining heavily.
ORIGINAL: Jimin regretted for declinging Hoseok's offer.
CORRECTED: Jimin regretted declinging Hoseok's offer.
ORIGINAL: If only he agreed, he could be in front of the television, a mug of hot chocolate in hands and enjoy the warmth of it while watching film.
CORRECTED: If only he agreed, he could have been in front of the television, with a mug of hot chocolate in his hands and enjoying the warmth of it while watching a film.
Chapter Two
ORIGINAL: Jimin not meant to be cruel but he wished more people got into minor accident so there would be a reason to cancel the tiring class.
CORRECTED: Jimin did not mean to be cruel, but he wished more people got into minor accidents so there would be more reasons to cancel the tiring class.
ORIGINAL: The newspaper scattered everywhere, the milk spilled on the floor, and his favourite carpet wasn't look like a carpet anymore.
CORRECTED: Newspaper scattered everywhere, milk spilled on the floor, and his favourite carpet didn't look like a carpet anymore.
ORIGINAL: He was in daze, thinking he probably entered the wrong house because there's no way this was his own when he spotted a big lump in front of the television.
CORRECTED: He was in a daze, thinking he probably entered the wrong house because there was no way that this was his own, but he spotted a big lump in front of the television.
ORIGINAL: Before the agreement Yoongi was being nice and intimidated, easily fooling him to believe that yes, Jimin you had make a really good choice for inviting him stay with you when the man was actually the devil from hell, down to earth to make him suffer.
CORRECTED: Before the agreement, Yoongi was being nice and friendly, easily fooling Jimin to believe that yes, Jimin you have made a really good choice to invite him to stay with you when the man was actually the devil from hell, coming to earth to make him suffer.
ORIGINAL: Just because he unemployed and had no money made Jimin could easily threaten him?
CORRECTED: Just because he was unemployed and made no money, Jimin couldn't threaten him.
ORIGINAL: For the last time Yoongi can you please slow down the volume?
CORRECTED: For the last time, Yoongi can you please turn down the volume?
Structure. 5/5
You are using paragraphs very well, so there’s no problems at all!
Readers' response. 4/5
You have a decent number of subscribers at this stage and it seems like the comments you’ve got are pretty positive too! I can see that you’re replying to the comments and it’s a good thing that you’re doing so because the communication between the author and the readers is essential for the success of the story!
Overall enjoyment. 6/10
I really did enjoy reading this, despite the number of times I’ve been confused during the reading! My Yoonmin feels are really getting to me and this story really did give my heart an attack! It’s cute and fluffy, and definitely has the potential to be developed further.
As for the ideas that you’ve asked for, I think watching some videos will help you, like I said before. Try watch some videos that are dedicated to Yoonmin - they usually focus on their cute interactions that will often send you into a fit of squeals. Also, I think watching the V App broadcast for Yoongi’s birthday will be beneficial, especially since Jimin bought an expensive branded knitted top for Yoongi, who wore it straightaway! This will probably give you some ideas as to what to write.
You can also scroll through the Yoonmin tag on tumblr and you’ll come across some really like compliations of pictures and gifs and whatnot that are focused on the two - you’ll probably get some ideas from that too!
I hope these places will help gain some inspiration for the story and I do hope you the very best while writing this!
Date completed. 09/03/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. I hope I wasn’t being too harsh with my words! If there are any problems regarding the review, please don’t hesitate to contact me! Thanks for requesting!
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