>> One More Day
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY sevenpixels
STATUS. Completed
DESCRIPTION.
I have waited so long for you to come home, Chanyeol.
My sanity reminds me that you will never come home, after all that happened.
But
My fantasy says that you're already home.
Even if it is just for a day.
Although your title can be used in so many different context, each time it will mean something different. This time your title is the story! I love the deep meaning behind it. I don't care if this might have been used several times before here on AFF or if it's cliché, don't ever change it! You can't have any other title here. It's so captivating, because it gives you a hint of what could be happening but then you still left us guessing and lingering to wanting to read more of your story! Well done! I love it!
Description, foreword & tags. 7/10.
DESCRIPTION
It takes your breath away.. It's not much but it entails so many feelings and mystery. It triggers the readers’ curiosity to keep on reading because you know that what will follow is something beautiful.. or at least that is what you expect from it. You didn't disappoint us. I would leave it at that, just those few sentences.. nothing more.. nothing less.
FOREWORD
As beautiful as your description is, as messy your foreword is. You started off good by explaining the general meaning behind the reason of this story. But then it got a bit messier. I would have left just the first part of your foreword and then just thanking the one for the review. But I understand that you are happy about your subs. But it breaks the flow of the mood that you have set with your description
TAGS
I wouldn't change anything about it. You choose the right ones.
Appearance: graphics. -/5, display. 3/5
GRAPHICS
As far as I could see in the request details, I didn't get any link to a poster so. I will not be able to give you marks for this section. Although I think your story would definitely benefit from a beautiful poster. But this is still your own choice.
DISPLAY
You worked hard and put a lot of effort in creating a clean look for your story itself. Although the line that divides the chapter parts, does disturb me a bit. Maybe it's better to use a beautiful text divider that you can find on the internet. That will create a softer look as well. The font used to write your story is easy on the eyes and just large enough. Tip: Make sure you use the same font and size throughout your story. I do like those little chapter headings that you used.
Characterisation. 9/10
Both main characters are actually well developed and very realistic.
BYUN BAEKHYUN
The image we get from him, is this lovely very bubbly and vivid person in his youth. You described it so beautifully that he would become a billionaire when he would be able to sell his recharging smiles. Unfortunately, happiness and live can play a tricky game on ones personality and therefor Baekhyun is no exception. Even happy people can change in a split of a second to a doomed character. From then on the outside world still sees him smiling, but only one person knows that this is just a façade to avoid awkward conversations and stares. The change in his character is noticeable in the little details which you describe in your story.
PARK CHANYEOL
This chubby little person turned out to be the lifesaver of Baekhyun, who would have thought that? He gets described as this more down to earth person who actually falls head over heals in love with the most beautiful and popular guy of the school. Luckily for him, fate agrees with him. A lot of events passes by in his life, but unfortunately one of those events will get the better hand of him and change his life and that of Baekhyun forever.
I don't want to spoil anything. You did a fine job on the characterisation, although this musn't have been an easy job as I understand this were all different one-shots put together. Most authors wouldn't succeed in making this one story without having no troubles smoothing out everything. Everything fits.
Plot. 18/20
This is a rather interesting plot. But I did read some other stories as well who touched and used that plot for a story. But than again, every story is written by a different person, so we always get a different story. It's very intense and very emotional. Realistically, I don't think this would be possible, but just the thought of it might be somehow is so beautiful. Imagine that your loved one comes to visit you one last time to say goodbye for good because they didn't got the change before due to not able to reach out to you. It's sad and emotional at the same time, but just the thought of it can give you goosebumps. It would be an amazing script for a Korean short film.
Consistency/flow. 10/10
The consistency of your story is fine. The flow isn't too fast or too slow. It goes very smoothly even though, you informed us that it seems that it were 3 different one-shots. You don't even notice any stops or choppy connections to the next chapter. Well done!
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 14/15
Nothing can be said wrong about this section. Although, I did spot some typos. I guess because you were so deeply concentrated on writing your story.
Chpt 2: "Bandages"
ORIGINAL: My eyes fluttered open, and the world was still dark, but it was cold. I stood up immediatley, surprised to find that the pain have lessened by a lot and I started climbing up the hill and before I knew it, I started to run.
CORRECTED: I stood up immediately, surprised to find that the pain has lessened by a lot.
ORIGINAL: Is that the empyy book that brought him comfort?
CORRECTED: Is that the empty book that brought him comfort?
ORIGINAL: I placed my lips onto the rough edges on his smooth sking and gingerly kissed every one of it, hoping that it heals.
CORRECTED: I placed my lips onto the rough edges on his smooth skin and gingerly kissed every one of it, hoping that it heals.
ORIGINAL: We walked along the streets hand in hand and met lots of baekhyun's classmates ...
CORRECTED: We walked along the streets hand in hand and met lots of Baekhyun's classmates..
ORIGINAL: "Actually," I said as I stoop up instantly.
CORRECTED: "Actually," I said as I stood up instantly.
Chpt 3: "Healed"
ORIGINAL: He dosen't care if he is the maknae or not
CORRECTED: He doesn't care if he is the maknae or not
Structure. 5/5
Paragraphs are essential in a story and you are using them. Well done!
Readers' response. 3/5
Your stats
6 upvotes
34 subs
2117 views
12 comments
Your story is so beautiful and intense and still it doesn't seem to have many subs, which is a disgrace to your story. You have contradictory to that so many views. It's a shame that they didn't all subscribed to your story like that your story would be even more popular. Also if they would have taken the time to upvote your story, you would be able to reach out to more people and mesmerise them with your sad yet beautifully emotional story. When someone comments on your story, i see you take the time to give them a little thank you note or comment back, which is highly appreciated by your readers. I would say don't give up hope and keep on writing such beautiful and intense stories and you will get there!
Overall enjoyment. 10/10
At first I was very hesitant as it was described as an angsty, which is not entirely my cup of tea. But I was pleasantly surprised. This story moved me so much, because I got dragged into it and it held me there. It was so beautifully described and written without any major disturbing grammar and spelling errors, which i liked! My god, I was crying like a little child as soon as the meaning of the struck me like a lightening bolt. The ending,... I won't spoil anything.. but damn! Also, my ultimate bias in EXO.. Baekkie! Well done!
Date completed. 06/03/16
Reviewer. Steph (StephLovesKCulture)
Comments. *Main* for the long wait. My apologies. I loved your story very much. This is a very down to earth story. Keep up the good work and keep on writing like you do! Thanks for requesting at HMS! ;)
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