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flash cards

BY chariseuma

CHARACTERS · Kim Mingyu (SEVENTEEN), Ryu Joeun (OC)

STATUS · Completed

DESCRIPTION· There were two things that Joeun really like: flash cards and Kim Mingyu.

>>STORY LINK<<

story title: 5/5

The title fits the story very well, since it was the flashcards that brought the two characters together. It’s not a long title, though I would most probably use ‘flashcards’ rather than breaking it up into two words - well, either way, it still have the same effect. However, I wouldn’t say the title is very eye-catching since the words themselves don’t stand out a lot. Anyhow, I think you’ve chosen a good title for your story!

description, foreword & tags: -/10

Although you’ve mentioned that you didn’t want your description to be commented on, I just want to make a small comment about it. I think the simpleness and shortness of your description really works with your story. It’s short enough to summarise the plot and yet it’s enough to get your readers to carry on reading! However, since you didn’t want to include this section in the review, the score in this section will not be counted towards the end score.

appearance - graphics: -/5, display: 5/5

You didn’t provide a link to the poster in your request, even though you do have a poster, therefore your poster will not be reviewed upon.

The display of your story is very clean. You didn’t try to use any fancy layouts that would make your story look complicated, thus it’s very comfortable to read.

characterisation: 5/10

For Joeun, I would say she’s your typical school girl who doesn’t really care about boys until she stumbles across one of them. She wants to get good grades but resorts to cheating in order to do so. I wouldn’t say she’s the most unique character out there, since there are many characters like her. I think there is some potential for her to develop into a more in-depth character, since she’s a very basic character at the moment, though I wouldn’t think it would be much useful in a short story such as yours. Also, I think the change in her behaviour from not knowing Mingyu personally to liking him the moment she met him was a little too typical in a story.

As for Mingyu, not a lot was known about him, though he is counted as a main character in this case. He just appears out of nowhere and just charms the girl with his smile and actions. There’s not an awful lot I can say about Mingyu, since he appears only a couple of times in the story, but based on what I’ve seen, he’s a sweet boy, and is someone who can take care of Joeun very well.

Overall, I think you have very nice base characters to work on, but I do think they are a bit too basic. I think some development would have made the story into something more memorable and special. Though, I do think you’ve done a good job working around these characters!

plot: 10/20

The plot is simple and short, very suitable for an one-shot, though I do think it’s very a typical storyline. The girl doesn’t know about the guy, the girl bumps into the guy, the girl likes the guy, and then the guy likes the girl back. I do not wish to be rude, but this kind of story is very common on the site, and elsewhere, therefore I wouldn’t say it’s unique and special. However, I think the way you’ve used flashcards as the central object in the story is quite nice. From beginning until the end, the flashcards did play a huge part in the meeting between Joeun and Mingyu, to the possible development between those two.

Anyway, I think for a short one-shot, the plotline is not a bad one at all. It’s short and simple enough to be written about in one chapter, but I do think that a little more development would have made the story more special and different.

consistency/flow: 7/10

The flow of the story is not perfect, I have to say. At the beginning, Joeun is running in the hallway to get to her lesson, but she suddenly have a short imagination about Mr Han and his possibly reaction to her lateless. And then all of a sudden she bumps into Mingyu. That, of course, does make sense, but I think for the imagination part, you have to make it very clear that it is a part of her thoughts because I did think it was real before I got the part where she bumped into Mingyu. Though, this could have well been just me who got confused, but I think the clarity in your writing is very important in conveying your ideas.

Back to the flow of the story, I’m sorry I got a little bit side-tracked, I think after that confusing part at the beginning, I think the flow of the story is nice. I wouldn’t say it’s too fast nor too slow - just how I think an one-shot should be like. Well done for that part!

grammar, spelling & punctuation: 9/15

Since English is not your first language, I do think you’ve done a very good job in creating your piece of work! Although there are mistakes here and there, I don’t think it’s too much of a problem that would make it hard to understand your writing at all. Though I do recommend you getting a beta-reader to read through your work and correct the small mistakes that you’ve made, especially regarding grammar and tenses.

Here are some mistakes that I’ve found throughout the chapter:

ORIGINAL: Joeun wanted to curse out loud but it was hard when she was carrying a bag that, she was pretty sure, weigh more than 40 pounds...
CORRECTED: Joeun wanted to curse out loud but it was hard when she was carrying a bag that, she was pretty sure, weighs more than 40 pounds…

ORIGINAL: She could vision the look on Mr. Han face…
CORRECTED: She could envision/visualise the look on Mr. Han's face…

This following example, in my opinion, is somewhat complicated. CORRECTED (1) gives you the correction when Joeun is thinking about what will happen, while CORRECTED (2) gives you the correction for when the situation actually happens.
ORIGINAL: He would scowl at her her and grumbled as he asked her to take her seat and start the test.
CORRECTED (1): He would scowl at her and grumble as he ask her to take her seat and start the test.
CORRECTED (2): He scowled at her and grumbled as he asked her to take her seat and start the test.

ORIGINAL: she shrieked when she bumped onto a person, accidentally dropped her flash cards to the ground.
CORRECTED: she shrieked when she bumped into a person, and accidentally dropped her flash cards onto the ground.

ORIGINAL: Panicked, she bent down to the ground...
CORRECTED: Panicking, she bent down to the ground…

ORIGINAL: She heard the person said.
CORRECTED: She heard the person say.

ORIGINAL: ... and looked up to see Kim Mingyu was standing in front of her.
CORRECTED (1): ... and looked up to see that Kim Mingyu was standing in front of her.
CORRECTED (2): ... and looked up to see Kim Mingyu standing in front of her.

ORIGINAL: ... but having to bump to one of them made her feel smaller than ever.
CORRECTED: ... but having to bump into one of them made her feel smaller than ever.

These are just some of the mistakes I found in the chapter, if you would like some detailed explanations for these corrected, just mention it in the comment, or you can drop me a PM, and I’ll happily explain them to you. Though, I really would recommend you getting a beta-reader for the sake of eliminating the small mistakes.

structure: 5/5

Your paragraphing in the chapter is very well done, no problems at all!

readers' response: 4/5

It hasn’t been too long since your story has been uploaded, so I think your statistics are pretty good for now. You have a decent number of subscribers and upvotes, as well as comments, which you are replying to - so I don’t think there’s a lot to worry about.

However, here’s a thought for you. You’ve marked your story as ‘subscribers only’, which meant that you have limited your readers to only those who subscribe. But what about those who don’t have an account? Or those who aren’t fond of subscribing? Doesn’t think mean you’ve ruled them out from reading your story? Of course, this is just a thought I do share with every now and then, so you don’t really need to pay much attention to it, but think it’s a shame that you’ve limited your readers when there are many other people who would possibly want to read your story but aren’t able to due to the barrier.

overall enjoyment: 6/10

I think the story is cute, which is something I haven’t seen in some time. This was a nice break from the intense kind of stories I’ve been reading lately. This really brings back some memories from when I was reading a lot of fluffy and innocent stories! However, I didn’t get to enjoy it as much as I hoped to, since I was looking forward to some kind of story development, be it a twist in the story or whatnot. This could be a habit from reading more detailed stories, but I would have liked to see some more development in the story! Anyhow, I think you’ve done a good job in writing this story! Keep up the good work!

total grade: 56/85

notes

DATE REQUESTED: 21/02/16

DATE COMPLETED: 29/02/16

REVIEWER: Mandy (Saki1017)

COMMENTS: I’m sorry for the long wait, but the review is finally here! I do apologise if you found my words harsh and straightforward. If you have any problems, please don’t hesitate to drop me a message and I’ll get back to you ASAP!

REMINDER
Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owener or the reviewer via PM.

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