CHARACTERS · Seulgi, Kai

STATUS · Completed

DESCRIPTION· Congratulations.
You broke my heart.
I should have known that love was nothing but a weakness to humans. It comes as an euphoric dream but leaves as a depressing nightmare.

As for your tags, I think you can probably do without the ‘kaiseul’ and ‘seulkai’ tags. Not that I have anything against you using them, I just don’t think they would give you any advantages in this case, though it is your freedom to choose which tags to use.

As the general layout of your story, everything seems very simple and clean. I like the way you’ve organised your foreword section with page dividers - they do keep everything in order and it doesn’t make the credits look too jumbled up together. However, I do think the title on the actual chapter does look a little messy, maybe it’s because of the grey lines in the background, but I think it would look the best if you had just kept the title simple and plain.

Jongin plays a crucial role in this story, though his appearance quite sudden, in my opinion. Despite that, he had turned Seulgi’s life around, and around again at the end. He gave her the happiness that she thought she was never going to have, and then took it away from her all at once. Personally, I don’t really understand Jongin - was he really in love with Seulgi or was he only playing with the sisters?

Jinah is someone that always overshadows Seulgi. From what I’ve read, I can’t tell whether she’s the good girl or the bad girl. Does she really care about Seulgi? If so, then what was going with Jongin?

Even though your story is only one chapter long, I think they way you’ve written about your characters is something that I personally really like. You’ve written enough information about them for your readers to feel what they are feeling, as well as understand what they are thinking. Well done!

I feel that this story definitely have the potential to be developed into something bigger, especially with all the questions that your readers have after reading the chapter, possibly with a sequel or more chapters. The development between the characters and the building-up of tension are something definitely worth reading about!

Also, I found that Seulgi and Jongin becoming a couple is quite sudden for me. It kind of just happened out of nowhere and wouldn’t it be kind of weird to be asking questions like “what year were you born in?” after dating someone? And then it led to the confrontation between Jongin and Jinah - which left me with more questions because nothing was said about them in the chapter and it was kind of like a slap in the face that it happened all of the sudden without warning. I’m not sure if you’re doing this because you’re planning a continuation or a sequel, but it does seem like it came out of nowhere in relation to this chapter only.

Finally, I like your idea of putting, what I’m presuming to be, quotes after each small section of the chapter. However, the first time it appeared (I think therefore I am…) it seems a little out of place to me. It could very well be just me that see it as unfitting, but for some reason that paragraph just kind of sticks out in a way that doesn’t really make sense. However, the quotes that come after the first one seem to make a lot more sense, which is a good thing!

ORIGINAL: But everything had changed ever since Seulgi had moved to Canada, their connection with each other gradually started to wilt, until they merely exchange small messages to know how each other was doing each month.
CORRECTED: But everything had changed ever since Seulgi had moved to Canada; their connection with each other gradually started to wilt, until they merely exchanged small messages to know how each other was doing each month.

ORIGINAL: Her parents worshiped Jinah like a goddess, they had hardly batted an eyelash when Seulgi told them she came in first in her class.
CORRECTED: Her parents worshiped Jinah like a goddess; they had hardly batted an eyelash when Seulgi told them she came in first in her class.

ORIGINAL: She might have a jet-lag.
CORRECTED: She might have jet-lag.

ORIGINAL: Seulgi replied while narrowing her eyes at him warily, not quite trusting.
CORRECTED: Seulgi replied while narrowing her eyes at him warily, not quite trusting him.

ORIGINAL: "What year are you born?"
CORRECTED: "What year were you born in?"

ORIGINAL: I have an older sister who is two years older than me and my parents.
CORRECTED: I have an older sister, who is older than me, and my parents.

I think there were a couple of things that I picked up on but left them out because they’re most likely to be the differences between British English and American English. Anyhow, the mistakes are mostly coming from your punctuation, especially commas and semicolons. However, with enough practise, punctuation should come to you naturally. Keep up the good work!

Also, you’ve set your story to be ‘subscribers only’, and here’s a thought for you. Why limit your readers to only those who are able to subscribe? What about those who don’t have an account or aren’t fond of subscribing? Of course, these are just questions that I put out there once in a while, but it’s not bad to think about them at all!