HeeChild : Stained Purity, Bleeding Innocence

Characters. Sungyeol, Myungsoo, Woohyun, Sunggyu, Hoya, Dongwoo, Sungjong, Taehyung, cameos of other idols

Status. Ongoing

Description.
Sunggyu was broken, like a mirror.
Dongwoo was delicate, like a flower.
Sungyeol was terrified, like a child in the dark.
Taehyung was quiet, like a mute.
Woohyun wanted to fix him.
Hoya wanted to protect him.
Myungsoo wanted to console him.
Sungjong wanted to give him his voice.

They all had their reason for coming together at first, but they fell in love with one another.

But something malevolent lurked in the shadows.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 5/5
I’ll admit, at first I wasn’t a big fan of the title. It seemed to be too long and just wasn’t something you would name a story, but reassured it’s grown on me. The title sort of reminds me of the title of one of those aesthetic edits you would find on Tumblr, like a royal, dark fantasy aesthetic. Then I saw these gems while I was scrolling through Tumblr. The collection immediately reminded me of your story and I knew the title was a keeper! Haha, sorry about my little story, it’ll hopefully be the only one. Point is, the title stands out a ton because of how unique it is and it just has a ring to it that really does perk a person’s curiosity to check out your story. That is the most important part when it comes to coming up with titles.


Description, foreword & tags. 9/10
Description is a superb job. It states all these inner character conflicts, what would happen in the story then the counterpart's’ intentions without the slightest of hint to how they intend to do any of these. As much as I love it; I would recommend taking out those last two lines after “Sungjong wanted to give him a voice”. Those last two lines just don’t fit in with the other lines and it’s unflattering the rest of the description. As for the foreword, everything about it was perfect. Right from the get-go it gives off the tone that this isn’t going to be a happy fic, almost like warning. Which I mean as a compliment, you do a perfect job at displaying these mood, especially since I was reading this alone in my room at like midnight haha. As for the tags, everything is good, vjong was something I was pretty excited to see! To be honest, I’ve never actually seen Taehyung and Sungjong interact (Send me something maybe…?), so I was interested to see how that would turn out.


Appearance: graphics. 5/5, layout. 5/5
It frustrates me that I can’t figure out what this cover reminds me of! It’s definitely a movie cover… but what movie?! That aside, I meant to say that it looks so dramatic and honestly I love that so much. This… stack of heads I don’t have any other name for looks so dramatic it’s fricking perfect for this sort of story. Infinite and BTS have both had several photoshoots where they would be displaying the perfect expression for these angsty fics which is definitely a plus and whoever designed it thought out how they did it, so props to both of you.


Characterisation. 9/15
I’m going to split this section into more sections, because I feel this area is really where there is room for improvement. If you had troubles; don’t be afraid to ask for help, that’s what I’m here for. The characters that are okay are Sunggyu, Heechul and Hoya. in fact Sunggyu’s one of my favorites in this story so far, how he tends to nag but then you get to see this weaker, broken side of him as soon as he’s alone with Woohyun. Heechul and Hoya both are both very prominent with their stronger personality types and they stay true to this behavior very well. As for the other characters, many of their personalities are colliding together and if it weren’t for their names it would be a bit harder to differentiate them. The other issue I found is the lack of character which I will further explain below-

Myungyeol and Woohyun: I’m pairing up certain characters because I feel as they fall into similar problems. These two: they have similar personalities. Both of them tend to be on that ‘broodier’ and darker type of person, staying enigmatic. While I do appreciate the character type, only one character can have it. Perhaps one of them could be a bit more talkative, or smug. While he is still mysterious and uncomfortable for certain characters to be around he seems to always have a comeback and has a bit of an ego. Remember these are simply suggestions. I don’t expect you to make these corrections if you don’t want to. Anyone that goes unmentioned means that I don’t have a problem, but thy might need more attention to properly get to know the character.

Taehyung: It’s understandably that Taehyung won’t really have a lot that is clear about him as he doesn’t exactly talk, but there are other ways for someone to express themselves, or give hints to their personalities. Maybe Taehyung is short-tempered (I don’t know his personality, hence the problem), if something happens to piss him off, that doesn’t mean he has to yell or scream at him. Taehyung could glare at them; or hurry out of the room, door slamming behind him; he could knock over a glass or something. Again, I don’t really know anything about him, which is a bit of a problem since we’re at chapter 23 now and he is one the main characters.

Shownu, Jota and other side antagonists. This section is definitely the one I would emphasize the most, because it really could be improved. While they may not be as important characters because they are just side, they still do have personalities. The personality doesn’t have to be anything over the top unique, just enough to make them themselves. Otherwise, they’d merely be figures used to move a story along with a bit of a drag, which can cause others to lose interest. They are bad guys afterall, play with that! Maybe someone is a bit sadistic and when they’re around one of the “broken” characters (Sunggyu, Dongwoo, Sungyeol, Taehyung) they give them looks or something to scare them. Again, don’t be afraid to PM if none of that made sense.


Plot. 20/20
Congratulations on having a perfect score in plot! There’s nothing that I could find to have a problem with. At first, I was having some difficulty understanding the motivation behind the antagonists, in particular the heat between Myungsoo and Jota, after further inspection I realized it’s being foreshadowed to be revealed later on. I would like to say I do love the idea of the two sides fighting, it’s classic fantasy and in my opinion fantasy is one of those genres you really have to stay true to. The character arcs are also very interesting to see, as since the arcs are split off by pairs, it would be one side conflict having to develop two characters, as well as these characters chemistry and relationship.


Consistency/flow. 6/10
This story is going at a very sluggish pace. Scenes at times are being unnecessarily dragged on and it’s hard to read this at times because of the pace. Do try cutting out details that are unnecessary, while it may seem important to “paint the world” to your readers, nowadays many say “the image starts with the author and ends with the reader” this means that while you do have the idea in your head how it looks, you detail it flexibly enough for us to put our own imagination in it but still in the same general idea. Also do keep in mind this is in a guy’s point of view. Generally speaking, most guys going to stare at every detail of a dress or how it makes Dongwoo’s waist look thin and delicate. I think that this would help to speed up the story as well as making sure all or most scenes have relevance to the plot.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 14/15
I don’t have a lot to say in this section since your grammar is pretty good. This only problem I have were some sentences were a bit wordy or long it would be easier to understand if you were to cut down these sentences. Other than that, I think you did a very good job when it came to checking over your work; especially grammar, spelling and punctuation.


Writing style. 4/5
I found that you have a nice balance between dialogue and description. While there were certain points that were dialogue-heavy, there were balanced out by action scenes with close to no dialogue. As said before, there are certain points when I got so lost and had to go back and read because it was so much information at once. Especially during the scene between Taehyung and Daehyun, that had been one of the sections I found myself not understanding. I suggest finding a way to space out all these loads of information because not only can they be difficult to process, but can be borty to read through.


Structure. 5/5
I see many decent sized paragraphs, and frankly there’s only so much to write in this section. So yeah… good job :)


Readers' response. 5/5
While I was scrolling through comments to see your interactions with readers, I have to admit, I felt tempted to send you a friend request. Haha, while not everyone leaves a comment, those that do seem to get very close to you. It’s more than just saying a simple thank you for reading, you’ve engaged in actual conversations and gotten to known some of these people. I only looked at one conversation for the sake of privacy but it was hilarious and honestly it seemed like you two were close friends.

Comments: 11
Views: 7659
Upvotes: 11
Subs: 435


Overall enjoyment.
While i did say this was boring at times because of the speed, fantasy will always be one of my favorite genres and this story is not an exception. I am definitely very biased towards Vjong just because of how different and how I’ve never seen it before, also it’s nice that someone is appreciating Sungjong and not casting him out to be alone. The boy needs love <3, super excited to see how the rest of this fic goes and I wish you the best of luck in the future!
 

total grade : 87/100

Notes