ENDING IN FIVE SENSES
BY Uniquestel

Story title. 4/5

Your title is interesting and different. It fits your story well, but somehow I don’t really understand it - did everything end after five senses, or did it end resulting in five senses? I presume you mean to say that everything ended after five senses, but the title is rather vague in that aspect. But nonetheless, it’s a good title.

 

 

Description, foreword & tags. 7/10.

Your description is intriguing - it draws your readers into wanting to read more, but the wording of it is a little confusing. When you say ‘He fell in love with his five basic senses’, it sounds like the person/thing he fell in love with are the senses - perhaps it’s better to say ‘He fell in love using his five basic senses’.

Also, the second sentence is a little confusing too - did he fall into a heartbreak through using the senses, or was it because of his senses? Although it doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of difference between the two, but if you really think about it, you’ll see the difference I’m trying to explain (it’s rather difficult explaining through text, I apologise).

Anyhow, your description is effective in giving your readers an insight of your story, and I do like how you have included the last little section into your foreword because it gives your reader an ‘ahhhhh’ feeling after they’ve read the whole chapter. Your tags also look fine to me!

 

 

Appearance: graphics. 3/5, display. 5/5

The poster is pretty and very well-made, but it doesn’t really represent your story. The poster could have included things related to the five senses so it links more to your story. Also, I do the title to be a little difficult to read because of the way it’s layered.

The general layout of your story is simple and clean, just like how I prefer it to be!

 

 

Characterisation. 5/10

Because of the length of your story, it’s a little difficult to learn everything about your characters, but there are a couple of things I’ve picked up. I think the male lead likes the female lead more than the female lead liking him, almost as if she only liked him because he liked her. However, I can’t really tell what the characters are really feeling towards the end of the story - did the boy still like the girl, or did he lose interest in her? I think a little more depth in their feelings would push the story further, but that would mean you would have to write more, which you did, as I can see a sequel link. I hope your characters have developed a little more in the sequel.

 

 

Plot. 10/20

I really like the idea of using the five basic senses to tell a story between two people - it’s new and fresh. But, unfortunately, I think too much is missing from the plot for this story to be complete. For example, at the beginning, it seemed like the girl liked the friend more than the male lead, but what happened for them to start dating (if they ever did)? Also, what happened for them to break up? In that sense, the jump from one section to another is too big, making it very difficult to understand the plot. I think you’re trying to use the senses as stepping stones to the development of their relationship, but the lack of details in each section makes the idea less effective and less interesting.

Even though I do like the idea of summarising the concept of love in the final section of your story, I can’t seem to understand what you’re trying to say, especially the part where you said ‘But even them can’t defy it if their love is even true’. Are you trying to say the two can’t escape their destinies or the concept of love?

That aside, I think the section are rather interlinked, as the first sentence in the ‘smell’ section seems to belong in the ‘sight’ section more. Therefore, I think although it’s a good idea to have sub-headings for each sense, it will be more effective if you tried to not talk about the other senses and only talk about one particular sense in its section to avoid confusion.

Lastly, I think instead of using ‘hear’ as the sub-title for that section, it should be ‘hearing’, since ‘hearing’ is the actual name of the sense.

 

 

Consistency/flow. 4/10

As I’ve mentioned in the plot section above, too much is missing between the sections to make the story flow smoothly, therefore this is one of the weak points of your story.

 

 

Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 12/15

Since English is your first language, I didn’t expect there to be many mistakes, however I did pick up on a couple of things. For example, the tenses are a little vague in the first section of your story - are you writing in the present or the past?

Here is a list of the little things I’ve noticed throughout your story, but other than these, there aren’t any major issues with your writing.

 

1.
ORIGINAL: […] he could only let go of a bitter chuckle.
CORRECTED: […] he could only let out a bitter chuckle.

2.
ORIGINAL: Her arms were wrapped in his waist […]
CORRECTED: Her arms were wrapped around his waist […]

3.
ORIGINAL: It was a weird smell for a girl, not for him it’s not.
CORRECTED: It was a weird smell for a girl, but for him it’s not.

4.
ORIGINAL: It seems ethereal
CORRECTED: It seemed ethereal

5.
ORIGINAL: […] itching to find out what she has in store
CORRECTED: […] itching to find out what she had in store

6.
ORIGINAL: He swear they just tasted all of it […]
CORRECTED: He swore they just tasted all of it […]

7.
ORIGINAL: She pulled her up and looked at him in the eye.
CORRECTED: She pulled him up and looked at him in the eye.

8.
ORIGINAL: […] where she can inhale his scent perfectly.
CORRECTED: […] where she could inhale his scent perfectly.

9.
ORIGINAL: If love can’t show it’s progress through five senses […]
CORRECTED: If love can’t show its progress through five senses […]

10.
ORIGINAL: But even them can’t defy if their love is even true.
CORRECTED: But even they can’t defy if their love is even true.

 

 

Structure. 5/5

With the length of your story, there really isn’t the need for paragraphs, but you have structured your work well nonetheless - well done!

 

 

Readers' response. 1/5

Unfortunately, your story’s statistics seem to be a little lacking and although you do have a fair amount of views, there aren’t many that subscribed to read your story or leave a comment.

However, since you have set your story on ‘subscribers only’, here’s a question for you: why shut out the readers that may not want to subscribe for various reasons? What about the readers who don’t have an account? Please note that this is just a thought, nothing serious, and will certainly not affect your score.

 

 

Overall enjoyment. 7/10


Once again, I really do like your idea of writing a story through the basic senses - it’s definitely the first time I’ve read something like this. It’s a shame your story is so short, otherwise I would totally fall in love with this story (I’m a HUGE er for detailed stories). Nevertheless, I still enjoyed this story and it idea of it!

 

 

 

Date requested. 20/05/16

Date completed. 26/05/16

Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)

Comments. Thank you for requesting with us! I hope the review is useful to you and I do wish you the very best with your story and its sequel!

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Heart, Mind & Seoul layout credit