MeiAudriey : As You Wish

Characters. Kim Jongin (EXO) and Krystal (f(x))

Status. Completed

Description. All her life, Soojung never believed in fairytales. She knew that those things were created to affect children's mind to believe that happy endings exists. That's it, until she met a boy named Kim Jongin.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 4/5
The title suits the story very well, since it’s a phrase Soojung often said to Jongin. Although I didn’t find it eye-catching, since it’s quite simple, it does it’s job of representing the story and its plotline.


Description, foreword & tags. 4/10
Your description is nicely written, but I can’t see it link it has with your story. You’ve mentioned fairytales in your description but that does not come up in your story. In the description, you made it sound like the story is about Soojung and Jongin’s meeting, not their ending, which kind of threw me off when I started reading your story. I think you will need to alter the description a little so it fits with the story better.

Your foreword and tags are fine as they are.


Appearance: graphics. 2/5, layout. 4/5
The poster is nicely made - it fits with the theme of the story - but the title is different from your story title. I understand that you have provided me with an old poster, but I think it’ll be better if you left your story poster-less until you have a poster that fits with your story.

Also, your background image does not fit with your story at all, in my opinion. The colourful dots make the theme too light and fluffy, which is not the theme of your story.

The overall layout of your story is clean and simple. The only thing I found a little disturbing is the small font of the text. Maybe it’s only me, but I had to zoom in the text so I could read it, which is a bother to be honest.


Characterisation. 10/15
There are only two characters in your story, which is good in the sense that you can really concentrate on them without having to spread your attention over a dozen of different characters. To be honest, your story is very short, therefore it’s understandable that your characters are not fully developed.

Soojung, the leading girl of the story, in my eyes, is a strong girl. She stayed by Jongin’s side even if he’s unwell and she’s not willing to give him up no matter what. She tries to fulfil every single one of Jongin’s wishes, even the very last one which broke her heart. For Soojung, I think she’s the typical girl you’ll find in a story like this - she’s strong-minded and determined. Although her character is not the most unique and original character out there, I think you’ve done a good job in portraying her in your story.

Honestly, not a lot is known about Jongin, apart from the fact that he’s Soojung’s boyfriend and he’s very sick, since you’ve focused the story around Soojung. He seems to love Soojung a lot - he even rejected the idea of going overseas for better cancer treatment because he didn’t want to leave Soojung alone - and he obviously wants the best for her, even asking her to forget about him after he passes on. Again, like Soojung, he’s the typical sick patient you’d expect to find in stories like this. I don’t think there’s much I can say about him, but you’ve written nicely about him.

Overall, I think there’s a lack of depth in your characters. I understand it’s hard to develop characters in two short chapters, but you could have added more of their emotions and feelings throughout the chapters. While reading your story, I understood their viewpoints, but not to the point I understood their feelings. I think you will need further development of your characters to achieve that. Nevertheless, you’ve done a good job.


Plot. 10/20
In all honestly, your plot isn’t all that original and unique. From the start, it was expected that Jongin will leave the world with his illness, and Soojung will be left alone - I was not surprised when I reached the first chapter and the beginning of the second. Despite this kind of storyline is quite common, you’ve done well in writing it in a realistic way. You haven’t tried to play God and miraculously gave Jongin a second chance in life, which I think is the best part of the story because his death helps Soojung grow in life, and you haven’t added in the drama of Soojung being very depressed et cetera.

However, I did find the plot to be a little messy and all over the place. Perhaps it’s because you kept on referring back to past events that confused me, but I found that sometimes you’re jumping from one point to another quite quickly.

Also, the lack of beginning and in the story didn’t quite settle well with me. There wasn’t really an introduction to ease into the story, and there wasn’t a that made me want to keep reading and reading. In fact, I think you did something along the lines of writing a sort-of beginning, and then you’re at the end. Perhaps making a flowchart of events from beginning to end will help you in this aspect.


Consistency/flow. 6/10
The flow of the story is okay, thought I wouldn’t say it’s perfect. Like I said in the previous section, you don’t have a beginning and to your story, which messes up the flow in some ways. Also, the way you keep on referring back to past events disrupts the flow of the story. I’m not saying you shouldn’t write about past events, but you should find a way to do it without disrupting current events.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 8/15
Since English isn’t your first language, I must say you’ve done a nice job in writing this story. However, there are a few things you need to look out for.

Firstly, your tenses. Even after reading your story, I still can’t tell whether you’re trying to write in the past tense or the present tense. You’ve been jumping between the two tenses, and even mixing them up, which greatly confused me.

Secondly, I feel that you need some work on your punctuation. There are times when you’re missing a comma when there should be one, and there are times when you’re using a comma when it should be a semicolon or no punctuation mark at all.

There aren’t any major issues, but I think you should get a beta-reader to properly go through your work and correct the mistakes.

Here are some examples I found while reading your story (they are in order so you should be able to spot where they are when you’re reading through your story):

1.
ORIGINAL: Soojung was doing her France homework when she heard someone was calling her name.
CORRECTED: Soojung was doing her French homework when she heard someone call her name.

2.
ORIGINAL: "Don't you promise me that you will bring me to the frozen yogurt shop downtown?"
CORRECTED: "Didn't you promise me that you will bring me to the frozen yogurt shop downtown?"

3.
ORIGINAL: "Far more nearer?...
CORRECTED: "Far more closer?...

4.
ORIGINAL: "I have a dream just now..."
CORRECTED: "I had a dream just now..."

5.
ORIGINAL: "... We used to lay a blanket and stargazing until it was almost midnight..."
CORRECTED: "... We used to lay on a blanket and stargazed until it was almost midnight..."

6.
ORIGINAL: "Did you heard what I am saying..."
CORRECTED: "Did you hear what I was saying..."

7.
handsomest -> most handsome

8.
ORIGINAL: Watching her love undergo through those painful therapy making her heart clenched.
CORRECTED: Watching her love undergo those painful therapy made her heart clench.

9.
ORIGINAL: Soojung could not make him went through a lot of stress because it will fasten the process of his, well, dead.
CORRECTED: Soojung could not make him go through a lot of stress because it will accelerate the process of his, well, death.
NOTE: fasten means to attach or connect something in a secure manner, not to quicken something


Writing style. 3/5
Your writing style is easy to understand, since you use rather simple vocabulary and terms. Your writing isn’t overly extravagant, and honestly, I can tell you wrote that story at a young age. I think you will benefit if you ‘matured’ your writing style a little since it will most likely suit the theme of your story.


Structure. 5/5
Your story is quite short and simple, so there aren’t any problems in regards to the structure of your work.


Readers' response. 4/5
I am actually quite surprised at your subscribers’ count! Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mean it in a negative way, but for a short story like this one, it’s very impressive to have such a high number of subscribers. However, on the other hand, the ratio of upvotes and comments to your subscribers’ count is a little low. I’ve also noticed that you haven’t replied to most of your comments, which is a little disappointing. Remember: communication between you as an author and your readers is the key to success!

One thought - you made your story limited to subscribers only, but what if readers that don’t have an account or don’t want to subscribe want to read your story? This is a thought that I usually put out to those who have their stories limited to subscribers only because in a way, you are limiting the number of people who can read your story. Of course, this is only a thought of mine and therefore will not affect your score.


Overall enjoyment.
I have to say, this story is a nice little read for me, especially since I’ve been reading a lot of detailed and dark stories lately. Like I mentioned before, I like how you didn’t try to play God, because that would have ruined the story, in my opinion. However, I feel that the lack of depth in the plot itself is a downside of your story, most likely because I’m a reader who likes to know about everything. Anyhow, thank you for giving me this opportunity to read your story and good luck!
 

total grade : 60/100

Notes