>> Falling for TWO
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY Vwifey
STATUS. Ongoing
DESCRIPTION. Who would you choose the guy next door or the guy next to your wall?!
The title is not overly unique or eye-catching. Although it fits the plot of your story, it does give away a lot to your readers. Also, the random capitalisation of the word ‘two’ and the stars you’ve added aren’t necessary as they make your title look less professional. Nonetheless, the title fits the story well.
Description, foreword & tags. 5/10.
Like the title, your description reveals a lot, though it’s short and simple. It does tell your readers a little about your characters, but I feel like it could be a lot more intriguing and interesting if you worded it differently. However, since your description compliments your title and story, it is a good description in a sense.
As for your foreword, you’ve included a character description. Although it’s nice to read about the characters, but most of the information you’ve written in the character description are already in the chapters. It would be more effective if you’re able to write something in the character description that doesn’t come up in the actual chapters, so that your readers won’t feel as if they’re reading the same things over and over again.
On the other hand, your tags are completed fine.
Appearance: graphics. 2/5, display. 3/5
As for your poster, the one you’ve provided me with is completely different to the ones in your story. I’m not too sure which poster you would like me to comment on, but I will talk about the one you’ve submitted in your request.
The poster seems to fit in with the rest of your layout, especially in terms of colouring. The poster seems to be a rather simple one, with the main characters and the title, though I’m not too fond with the moving title. You also have a background image for your story, but unfortunately, because it only matches with one of your posters, it looks out of place when the other posters are present.
About your general layout of the chapters, I do find it rather pretty, but the moving background is probably the one thing that really put me off reading. Although the petals are aesthetically pleasing, it is very distracting when reading the words - but then again, this is up to debate with regards to personal references. Also, in chapters two and three, the first paragraphs are in a different font to the rest of the chapter, which is probably something you can fix with ease.
Characterisation. 4/10
Your characters are rather shallow, not in the sense of their personalities, but in the sense that you’ve haven’t really written about them in a lot of detail. Although you have talked about some of their backgrounds, but you haven’t really developed them enough for the readers to know exactly what your characters feel or think. In this sense, your characters are quite basic. I think character development is something you will need to work on in the future.
Plot. 7/20
Unfortunately, your plot is very cliche and typical. Forgive me for my harsh words, but the plot of your story is rather obvious; it is only a matter of who Aeri chooses in the end out of the two boys. The storyline isn’t unique and there aren’t much for your readers to use to distinguish your story from other similar stories. There are quite a lot of plotholes within your chapters and they do raise a few questions such as: why did Taehyun ask who Aeri is and then tell her that he knows her? Why would you need to dress in a tuxedo to a family dinner? Why did Aeri give Jungkook her room when he could have stayed in the room Aeri is currently staying in? I think these questions would be answered if you write in more detail, as currently the majority of your written work is the dialogues between the characters.
Though there is a touch of realism in your plot, I think in order to improve, you will have to describe things a lot more, such as your characters’ thoughts and feelings. You could also try to describe their surroundings at home or at school. With more description, your story will have more depth, which may make your story more realistic and interesting.
Consistency/flow. 8/10
The flow of your story is satisfactory. It’s not going too quick, nor is it going too slow. The character interactions are happening in a nice pace, though I would say Taehyung is rather friendly with someone he only met a couple of days ago (which could be due to his personality, but it does seem a little out of place since he was already doing a lot for Aeri despite only knowing her for a few days).
However, you need to indicate where the scene skips. It is very confusing when something else happens all of a sudden without any indication of a scene skip.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 6/15
I am aware that English is not your first language, and I shall congratulate you for coming this far with your story. However, there are quite a number of things I’ve noticed whilst reading your story. Firstly, your use of punctuation is quite unstable - at times you’re able to use them with little mistakes, but other times your punctuation causes difficulty in understanding your words. Also, in regards to the spacing before and after a punctuation mark, you also need work on that.
Secondly, and in my opinion I think this is the most crucial thing at this stage, you need to decide on which tense you’re writing your story in, whether it is the present tense or the past tense. This is because unfortunately, your tenses are all over the place. You’re writing in one tense and then you switch to the other within the same sentence. I think this is something you really need to work on at this very moment.
Other things I’ve noticed are your sentence structures, word ordering, and dialogues. However, compared to your tenses, I think these can come later as they’re not as important yet. I do strongly recommend you looking for a beta-reader to correct your mistakes.
I have provided a small number of examples from your chapters to give you a feel of what you need to work on. I hope these examples will give you an idea of what you need to look out for when you’re writing.
Description
ORIGINAL: Who would you choose the guy next door or the guy next to your wall?!
CORRECTED: Who would you choose: the guy next door or the guy next to your wall?
Chapter 1
1.
ORIGINAL: Ever since her cousin came to the place Jung Aeri was in the state she hated the most.
CORRECTED: Ever since her cousin came to the place, Jung Aeri was in the state she hated the most.
2.
ORIGINAL: She became a girl who is compared always with her new cousin her cousin...was also that competitive in studies, in games, anywhere.
CORRECTED: She became a girl who is always compared to her new cousin her cousin, who was also competitive in studies, games, and everything.
3.
ORIGINAL: She ate the crunchy toast and Munch it inside , she doesn't even react to it.
CORRECTED: She ate the crunchy toast and munched it inside ; she didn’t even react to it.
Chapter 2
1.
ORIGINAL: He knew his mother looked like some woman who is having her 20's right now.
CORRECTED: He knew his mother looked like some woman who is in her 20's right now.
2.
ORIGINAL: It was quiet when they both stood in front of the dishwasher, both of them just glances from time to time and stood quietly
CORRECTED: It was quiet when they both stood in front of the dishwasher; both of them just glanced at each other from time to time.
Chapter 3
1.
ORIGINAL: Taehyung watched the two in amusement; they really looked like couples who are fighting.
CORRECTED: Taehyung watched the two in amusement; they really looked like a couple who was fighting.
2.
ORIGINAL: It was like Taehyung’s spirit went away from him as he swung his mouth open.
CORRECTED: It was like Taehyung’s spirit went away from him as his mouth dropped.
Structure. 3/5
Your work is heavily based on dialogue and not so much of narrative writing, so the use of paragraphs isn’t very obvious. Also, when you write dialogue, you need to start a new line for when someone else starts speaking.
Readers' response. 4/5
Your readers’ responses are not too bad - you have nice number of subscribers and upvotes. The number of comments you have is good, and I can see that you have replied to the comments, which really impresses me.
However, s you have set your story on ‘subscribers only’, here’s a question for you: why shut out the readers that may not want to subscribe for various reasons? What about the readers who don’t have an account? Please note that this is just a thought, nothing serious, and will certainly not affect your score.
Overall enjoyment. 4/10
Overall, I have to say this isn’t really my cup of tea, as I do tend to read a lot of longer stories with multiple chapters. I think the story is nice in its own way - fresh and youthful. However, I think in order for your story to gain potential, you will need to work on your plot and characterisation. Otherwise, please do continue to work hard!
Date completed. 07/05/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. First of all, I am terribly sorry for the long wait! Secondly, I do apologise if I have offended you in any way with my words, but I can assure you I mean no ill intents! Any problems or concerns, please don’t hesitate to contact myself! Thank you for your patience!
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