>> i'll be down, down, down
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY charmingusta
STATUS. Completed
DESCRIPTION. it was eerily calm and almost everything all at once when he caught a glimpse of jimin's eyes with his smile directed at him, sitting across him in the café.
It’s an unique title, definitely, however I cannot see how it links to your story. A prediction of mine is that the line comes from a song, but I’m not certain about it. Although it somehow has the ability to grab the attention of potential readers, but I honestly don’t find it relevant to your plotline.
Description, foreword & tags. 6/10.
I think your description would be a lot more effective if you had included the clause before this from the same sentence. At the moment, the description doesn’t make any sense by itself, especially since it’s not a complete sentence and it’s hard to understand what you mean until you read the chapter. If you want to keep the description short and simple, I think changing the words a little would do just fine.
Your tags seem perfect to me!
Appearance: graphics. -/5, display. 5/5
As you didn’t provide with a link to your poster, I will not make any comments on it.
However, the overall layout of your story is simple, clean, and very easy to read. Well done!
Characterisation. 6/10
As this story is extremely short, there is not a lot I can talk about here. I guess since Jimin doesn’t officially make an appearance in this story, Yoongi is the main character. Although Yoongi doesn’t really know how he feels, he doesn’t exactly hate the feelings he got. Perhaps he’s confused, but again, there’s not a lot I can tell from the amount of text there is. Anyhow, I think you did a good job in trying to describe Yoongi’s feelings by using various different similes and metaphors, so you do deserve credit for that.
Plot. 10/20
This plot is very simple, but somehow I really do like it. Although not a lot is said about the backgrounds of the character, the story is simple enough to see that Jimin likes Yoongi, despite the latter not quite understanding his own feelings. I think the way you’ve written the story is quite mundane and down to earth, without too many fancy descriptions and narrations. However, I would liked to see some kind of development between the two since the plot is a little too underdeveloped right now.
Consistency/flow. 10/10
Again, with your story being extremely short, I can only say your flow is perfect (since everything happened all within a scene). So, there’s nothing to worry about.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 12/15
Although English is not your first language, I have say, you have done an amazing job in this department. There aren’t many mistakes I can see, and the overall delivery of your words are smooth. However, I do want to point out a couple of things.
First of all, you haven’t used any capital letters in your story. Is there a particular reason as to why this is? As short as your story is, you should technically still use proper grammar and apply the same rules to your work as you should do for any written work. Therefore, I am interested in your reasoning.
Secondly, I have spotted the following sentences that aren’t quite correct.
1.
ORIGINAL: Yoongi had infatuation—crushes sometimes—always the same yet different each time when those feelings would then fade into something as faint as the faint breeze that would gently blow past by you for a split second or two before gone just like that—that's how it usually worked for him.
CORRECTED: Yoongi had infatuations—crushes sometimes—that were always the same yet different each time when those feelings would then fade into something as faint as the faint breeze that would gently blow past by you for a split second or two before it's gone just like that—that's how it usually worked for him.
2.
ORIGINAL: [...] mind still wondering why he felt the things he felt, why jimin did the things he did.
CORRECTED: [...] mind still wondering why he felt the things he felt, and why jimin did the things he did.
Other than the mentioned aspects, your grammar, spelling and punctuation are of a very high standard - congratulations!
Structure. 5/5
As simple as your story is, you have used paragraphs well nonetheless.
Readers' response. 1/5
Unfortunately, this area is your weakest area at the moment. The numbers of subscribers, comments, and views are quite low. Although this might be a little disappointing, allow it some time before you start getting some attention, as it hasn’t been long since you’ve first published it online.
Overall enjoyment. 8/10
Believe it or not, I really did like reading this little drabble of yours! Perhaps I’m a little biased because Yoonmin is one of my all time favourite ships, but reading this gave me a feeling of looking into parts of their everyday life. The story is simple and short, which is something I don’t often read, but this is a really refreshing piece of work and I am very happy I got the chance to read it!
Date completed. 11/05/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. I’m sorry you had to wait so long! I hope the review is useful to you and thank you for giving me the chance to read this!
Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owner or the reviewer via PM.
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