FOREVER FOREVER (STAY WITH ME)
BY yoonminfly

Story title. 4/5

I think the way you’ve formatted your title is quite interesting, and it certainly did capture my attention. The title does suit the storyline somehow, but I wouldn’t say it’s the most fitting title, though you can look at it in a few different directions, but right now with how the story is progressing, I don’t think there is the need for you to change the title.

 

 

Description, foreword & tags. 7/10.

Your description is a little vague and it did confuse me a little when I first read it. It does tell the readers a little bit about the plot, such as Seokjin losing his memories and Namjoon staying by Seokjin’s side all the time, but the direction of the description is unclear - but I guess that’s a good thing since you’ll be able to draw your readers into reading the story. There are also some grammatical errors with the description that you may want to look up to perfect it. Otherwise, I think your description is sufficient for your story.

Your foreword is a short poem-like paragraph, and honestly, I do really like it. I’m not sure if it’ll make an appearance in the actual story, but the presence of it in the foreword does add a little something to the mood of the story!

As for your tags, I think they’re all very appropriate for your story, though I think adding the tag ‘angst’ might be beneficial.

 

 

Appearance: graphics. /5, display. 4/5

Your poster is absolutely beautiful! I really do love it! It fits with the theme of the story very well and the graphic is just simply amazing! Well done to your graphic designer! The background matches the poster and the whole layout is really nice to look at - well done!

The general layout of your story is very neat - I especially like the front page of your story very much. The way you’ve set out the description, foreword and credits is very simple and it’s not hard to find things. Though your author’s notes at the end of each chapter don’t really fit in with the rest of the chapter, I don’t think it’s a huge issue that can’t be fixed.

 

 

Characterisation. 4/10

Your characters are quite complex I would say, especially Seokjin - somehow I just don’t understand him. At first, I thought Seokjin was just confused about Namjoon because he doesn’t remember who he is, but then you talked about how Seokjin doesn’t like Namjoon, despite regaining his memories. Seokjin also blames himself because of Namjoon and for me, it’s really hard to see what Seokjin is actually feeling underneath all those thoughts in his mind. Hopefully, more of his character will be revealed in the future as the story goes on.

Namjoon, on the other hand, is a much simpler character that can be read easily. All this man wants if for Seokjin to love him again and to stay with him forever, despite knowing that Seokjin has lost all of his memories. He blames himself for how things turned out and he thinks Seokjin doesn’t deserve this type of life, but he just couldn’t let the older man go. He’s desperate and he wants to hang onto Seokjin as much as possible, even though he knows it’s very selfish of him to do so. He will do anything for Seokjin’s sake and wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice himself, as mentioned in the description. I think Namjoon’s sorrow and feelings is what holds him and Seokjin together, though the latter doesn’t feel anything for Namjoon anymore.

Your characters are interesting to read, but right now, I think there’s a big space left for improvements and development. Please don’t treat this as a bad thing, because your characters definitely have potential - you just need to develop them more as the story goes on. Keep it up!

 

 

Plot. 9/20

Your plot is not too common, but at the same time, not very unique. Amnesia is often written in angst stories and this isn’t my first time reading something like this. The plot isn’t cliche or overly dramatic, but I think you have enough drama in it as it is and adding more would make this very unrealistic and overly ‘made-up’. I have to say, there are a lot of times that I was confused when reading your story. At the very beginning of the story, was that the first time Seokjin lost his memories, or does he lose them regularly? And since you mentioned that Namjoon had went away after the accident because he couldn’t bear to see Seokjin like that, who took care of Seokjin from then until Namjoon came back? Also, why doesn’t Seokjin not like Namjoon anymore despite regaining his memories?

Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m the only one who has these questions, but I think overall, you need to plan out the plot in more detail. There are some incoherent points and sometimes it’s really hard to understand what you’re trying to convey to your readers.

However, this plot does have potential and with more planning you will be able to develop this into something a lot better and more unique than other stories. Keep going at it!

 

 

Consistency/flow. 7/10

Overall, I don’t think there are a lot of problems with the flow of your story, but the biggest thing that really put me off reading is your scene changes. When the scene changes in your story, you don’t make it obvious enough and it really did confuse me because in one paragraph, they are in the park and then in the next paragraph, they’re back at home and Seokjin is suddenly sleeping. It made me re-read the section a couple of times before I understood that it was a scene skip and that you didn’t miss anything out in between the paragraphs. I think using page dividers will really help you in this case because right now, it’s quite hard to follow the story and it really does put people off from reading. Fortunately, you’ve used italicised text for flashbacks to make things clearer. But other than that, I think your story is going at a nice pace, and I do like how you’ve put dates in to remind the readers of how far along they are in the one-month deal.

 

 

Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 7/15

Your grammar isn’t too bad, but it would be very beneficial to get a beta-reader to look over your work for any mistakes, particularly with tenses and the use of punctuation, especially commas. I’ve included some of the mistakes I’ve spotted in the chapters.

Chapter 1

ORIGINAL: When his vision got clearer he noticed a smudgy writing on his palm, scribbled in hurry by the look of black ink smeared messily but Seokjin still could read it.
CORRECTED: When his vision got clearer, he noticed a smudgy writing on his palm, scribbled in hurry by the look of black ink smeared messily, but Seokjin could still read it.

ORIGINAL: Seokjin placed his hand on the cold bed beside him when his fingers brushed against a piece of paper.
CORRECTED: Seokjin placed his hand on the cold bed beside him and his fingers brushed against a piece of paper.

ORIGINAL: There were all over the place in random locations. There on the wall beside the clock read Don’t be late for your daily routine. I love you and on the fridge door too when Seokjin wanted to eat ice cream Don’t skip your meals. I love you also on the cabinet Don’t forget your medicine. I love you.
CORRECTED: They were all over the place in random locations. They were on the wall beside the clock that read Don't be late for your daily routine. I love you. When Seokjin wanted to eat ice cream, there was another one on the fridge door: Don't skip your meals. I love you. And also on the cabinet, Don't forget your medicine. I love you.

ORIGINAL: philosofical
CORRECTED: philosophical

ORIGINAL: Namjoon heard cries and people chattered. Namjoon saw thick smoke and black. Namjoon heard nothing.
CORRECTED: Namjoon heard cries and chatter. Namjoon saw thick smoke and then black. Namjoon heard nothing afterwards.

ORIGINAL: "I make you breakfast."
CORRECTED: "I made you breakfast."

Chapter 2

ORIGINAL: Seokjin looked at Namjoon’s excited face in front of him to the hand stretched out for him to hold and back to Namjoon again in confusion.
CORRECTED: Seokjin looked from Namjoon’s excited face in front of him to the hand stretched out for him to hold and back to Namjoon again in confusion.

ORIGINAL: Namjoon was nothing but still a ball of sunshine. Sometime Seokjin wondered how one could smile so bright like that.
CORRECTED: Namjoon was nothing but a ball of sunshine. Sometimes, Seokjin wondered how one could smile so brightly like that.

ORIGINAL: Seokjin had thinking about this for days in his bed alone [...] He rather slept under the bridge or whatever as long as it doesn’t smell Namjoon. [...] He couldn’t stay with the man although as friends or housemates or boyfriends because the answer was simple.
CORRECTED: Seokjin had been thinking about this for days in his bed alone [...] He rather slept under the bridge or whatever as long as it doesn’t smell like Namjoon. [...] He couldn’t stay with the man even as friends or housemates or boyfriends because the answer was simple.

ORIGINAL: Seokjin didn't have any feeling towards Namjoon.
CORRECTED: Seokjin didn't have any feelings towards Namjoon.

ORIGINAL: Namjoong loved everything Seokjin he could spend his entire life only staring at the older.
CORRECTED: Namjoong loved everything about Seokjin, he could spend his entire life only staring at the elder.

ORIGINAL: Seokjin looked at the window on this right where droplets of water trickling down the glassy surface. The heavy rain was pouring outside the café and Seokjin could see people ran past another people, men with briefcases on their head to protect themselves from the rain but still not succeed and women in their high heels tried to balance themselves on the slippery road.
CORRECTED: Seokjin looked at the window on this right where droplets of water trickled down the glassy surface. The heavy rain was pouring outside the café and Seokjin could see people running past other people, men with briefcases on their head to protect themselves from the rain but not succeeding and women in their high heels trying to balance themselves on the slippery road.

Chapter 3

ORIGINAL: Namjoon had swiped some ketchup on him.
CORRECTED: Namjoon had wiped some ketchup on him.

ORIGINAL: The fight lasted for almost 15 minutes and as result, a very messy house.
CORRECTED: The fight lasted for almost 15 minutes and resulted in a very messy house.

ORIGINAL: Seokjin asked himself for answer but the only thing he got was endless silent.
CORRECTED: Seokjin asked himself for answer but the only thing he got was endless silence.

ORIGINAL: Did he really didn't have any feeling towards the younger? Did he have fell in love with a man who seems to know everything about him when he didn't recognize him at all?
CORRECTED: Did he really not have any feeling towards the younger man? Did he have to fall in love with a man who seems to know everything about him when he didn't recognize him at all?

These are just some of the examples I’ve seen throughout the text, but hopefully with the help of a beta-reader, you’ll be able to spot the mistakes! Remember, keep writing - the more you write, the better you’ll become!

 

Structure. 5/5

You’re using paragraphs very well in your chapters, well done!

 

 

Readers' response. 4/5

You have a nice number of subscribers and comments, though it seems like you’re only replying to some of the comments - do try to reply to all of the comments! Even though it takes some time, but it really shows your readers that you’re taking what they said to heart! Also, the comments on your story aren’t the usual ‘please update soon’ comments - they are comments from readers who’ve read your story and have put their thoughts into their comments!

 

 

Overall enjoyment. 6/10


Even though I’m not a great fan of boyxboy stories, Namjin is one of my ships and it’s actually quite nice to read something about them! The storyline is something I would read and I think with some development, your story will definitely be a great one! Other than being confused a couple of times, I can tell that you’ve put a lot of work and effort into this story so please don’t give up!

I’ll answer the questions you’ve put in the request here. First of all, I think your story is an angst, drama and tragedy story - though I would probably lean towards the angst and drama side, since tragedy seems a little too extreme for your story.

As for your vocabulary, I can tell that you’re slowly developing a wider set of words other than the usual ones. There are times when some words don’t really fit with the sentences - nothing that can’t be fixed, don’t worry - but overall, I think you’re slowly getting there. For the time being, I wouldn’t use any more complicated words than what you’ve used now, for the sake of the story, but in the future try to explore methods of using different words at different times!

I do hope the appearance of Jungkook will make things better for Seokjin and Namjoon! I hope everything goes will for you! Fighting!

 

 

 

Date requested. 10/03/16

Date completed. 18/03/16

Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)

Comments. I’m so sorry for the delay, but your review is here! Thank you very much for requesting again and I hope this review is useful for you! Please remember that if you have any problems, you’re very welcome to message me!

Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owener or the reviewer via PM.
 

Heart, Mind & Seoul layout credit