Suhyo07 : Overdose

Characters. Suho, DO and Kai, EXO members

Status. Ongoing

Description.

On the day EXO won the champion for Love Me Right, Suho was found on the floor of the dressing room.

Dead.

He was found by Kai and D.O., who were the main suspects for his murder.

They both argued that they didn't kill their leader, and the detective suspected the other members as well.

Real question; Who killed him? With what kind of motive?
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 1/5
The title is really common, especially since EXO released a song under the same title, because there are so many stories with the same title, it doesn’t grab much attention. At the moment, I can’t see any links between the word “overdose” and the plotline, other than the fact that the main characters of this story are the members of EXO. This title lacks creativity and uniqueness, therefore it didn’t stand out to me much. Hopefully, as the story progresses, your readers will find connections between the title and the story.


Description, foreword & tags. 8/10
The description is very well written. It got my attention quickly and it made me want to read this story. You’ve given enough information about the story to draw readers in, and yet you didn’t reveal too much to give everything away.

However, I do think your tags can be altered a little. For starters, I think the tags ‘murderandmystery’ and ‘angst000exo’ don’t really serve you any good - they make your tags look messy and there’s no need to combine two things into one tag. You’re most likely better off separating them into ‘murder’, ‘mystery’, ‘angst’ and ‘exo’.


Appearance: graphics. 4/5, layout. 4/5
Your poster has been made very nicely - it fits in with the theme of the story, and it has the main characters. However, I think the title doesn’t stand out enough to catch people’s eyes and grab their attention. On the other hand, I do like how you’ve used a plain background instead of one that contains graphics, since it’s easier on the eyes when you’re reading the chapters.

The general display and layout of your story is very clean and simple, though there is a flaw in chapter two where two different fonts are used. If it was used for a flashback scene, it is acceptable, but if there is nothing special happening, I strong do not recommend using two different fonts in the same chapter as it makes your page look messy and disorganised (unless the other font is used as a title or subtitle).


Characterisation. 8/10
So far, I think your characterisation is quite good, even though there are only three chapters. Kyungsoo seems to be the one with a stronger personality compared to Jongin, who seems a little weaker and less able to cope with the stress from the case. In my opinion, Kyungsoo seems to be leading rest of the team because of his strong will and certainty. However, other than Kyungsoo and Jongin, not a lot is said about the other members other than one or two short paragraphs - but that is understandable, since Kyungsoo and Jongin are the main characters.

Although the officers haven’t appeared a lot, the way you’ve written about them told the reader that they will play a big part in the whole storyline, and I do look forward to how you develop them as characters along with the EXO members as the story progresses.

The characterisation in this story has a lot of potential as the growth of your characters seem to be going along well, despite only having three chapters. I can see how things will start to get complex, but I do think you have the potential to develop them without problem.


Plot. 16/20
The idea of the plot is not too unique (I do remember reading a few stories that were about a group of people working together to solve murder cases and whatnot), but the plot itself is quite different and new. As far as I know, there hasn’t been a story in which the author kills off a member of an idol group right off the bat!

But, as expected, because the story is still ongoing, there are a lot of questions raised while I was reading the chapters. I think the biggest question I have at the moment is: why would Baekhyun know who Officer Jo is, and how does he know that the officer will ‘never give Jongin a free trial’?

I do hope questions will be answered as the story progresses. Also, there are a few plot holes at the moment, but I think they’ll be gone when more chapters are up. Keep working at it - this plot can be made into something amazing and unique!


Consistency/flow. 10/10
Your consistency and flow is great - the story doesn’t go too quickly or slowly. It gives the readers enough time to process the information without rushing them or boring them. Well done!


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 11/15
While reading your story, I’ve noticed a few things regarding your grammar. I do understand that English is not your first language, but with enough practice, it will become as smooth as butter!

Consistently throughout your story, there are minor tense confusions. They’re mainly in the paragraphs where you talk about the members generally. There are two ways of doing this - you can either talk about them in the past tense, or you can talk about them in the present tense (though you should only talk about Suho in the past tense in this case). However, I’ve noticed that you’re using both at the same time. In one sentence you’d be using the past tense, but in the next you’d be using the present - do get this checked and sorted because it does cause some confusion to your readers as they may not know the timeframe in while you’re talking in.

You tend to write in long sentences, and sometimes, really long sentences. It’s good to have long sentences that contain a lot of detail, because there are so much you can do to that sentence to make it sound the way you want. However, when you have sentences that are overly long, or when you have a bunch of long sentences together, it does the opposite. Oftenly, sentences that contain a lot of information can overwhelm readers, because it’s difficult to process a chunk all in one go, but if you split those information up into shorter and more direct sentences, the information will stick in the readers’ minds more easily and quickly. I would suggest cutting out some clauses in the longer sentences and making them into shorter ones for better effect.

Something else I’ve noticed while reading, is your use of colons (:) and semicolons (;). Colons are used to introduce a list of items, a definition, a statement, or an explanation of something. On the other hand, semicolons are used to join together two clauses, that could be separate sentences, to make a long sentence.

For example, in your description, you wrote: ‘Real question; Who killed him? With what kind of motive?’. Instead of using a semicolon after ‘Real question’, you should have used a colon because you’re introducing the question, not bringing together two sentences.

You should look over your work and check for this as colons and semicolons are the punctuations that writers are most confused about.

Here, I’ve picked out a few examples of things you should look out for when you’re writing:

Chapter 1
ORIGINAL: The other teased, and bursted out laughing, causing Kyungsoo to shoot him a death glare.
CORRECTED: The other teased, and burst out laughing, causing Kyungsoo to shoot him a death glare.
NOTES: The verb ‘burst’ isn’t affected by tenses, therefore it stays the same.

Chapter 2
ORIGINAL: It's so confusing; Kyungsoo's feelings […]
CORRECTED: It was so confusing; Kyungsoo's feelings […]

Chapter 3
ORIGINAL: After a lengthy discussion, the police decided to let Jongin go back to the dorm with Kyungsoo even though he was under suspect, and to bring him back tomorrow for further questioning.
CORRECTED: After a lengthy discussion, the police decided to let Jongin go back to the dorm with Kyungsoo, even though he was under suspicion, and to bring him back tomorrow for further questioning.


Structure. 4/5
Overall, the structure of your writing is very good. You’ve mostly started paragraphs in the right places. Just a little reminder that when a new person speaks, you should always start a new line/paragraph. In the last paragraph of the first chapter, you should start a new paragraph for when Jongin starts speaking after Kyungsoo.


Readers' response. 3/5
To be honest, I expected more subscribers than 16 - the storyline is good and your writing is great; you definitely deserve more!

The number of comments is a little low as well as coming from the same readers, but at least they’re quality comments rather than the ‘please update soon’ ones - and I can see you’re replying to your readers as well!

The number of upvotes is really not bad, considering the number of subscribers.

I think the more you write, the more your story will gain attention, so don’t give up!


Overall enjoyment. 8/10
I am a huge er for mystery and murder plots. Just by reading your description really got me fired up even though it’s not about my favourites in EXO. I really enjoyed the way you write, since you’re able to bring out the mysterious theme with your words. I’ll definitely be keeping an eye out for this story!

Oh, and have I mentioned how great it felt to read Baekhyun’s part where he lashes out at the CEO? Damn, you got the words right out of my mouth!
 

total grade : 77/100

Notes