THE MILLIONTH TIME
BY Hephaistos

Story title. 2/5

It’s a nice title, but I don’t really see where it comes from. The title implies something that has been done over and over again, so perhaps you’re talking about how Baekhyun has been to clubs a lot of times, but it’s not clear as to what you really mean. Also, I think the title isn’t a very eye-catching one, since it doesn’t have anything that really stands out from the rest.

 

 

Description, foreword & tags. 10/10.

The description is very short, but it’s simple and goes straight down to the point. I honestly really like this title, because not only does it tell your readers what the plot is about, but at the same time it doesn’t give away too much.

Your tags seem fine to me and your warning at the end of the foreword is definitely scary!

 

 

Appearance: graphics. -/5, display. 5/5

The overall layout of your story is simple and clean - well done!

 

 

Characterisation. 10/10

This story is very heavy on the characterisation of Baekhyun and I really do think you’ve done a good job in. You’ve created a very in-depth character and the way you’ve written about Baekhyun is very detailed and well thought out. Not only did you go deep into his heart, you’ve also conveyed his emotions very well to your readers, allowing them to really understand what Baekhyun thinks and feels. You have done very well in talking about the initial change in his personality and the final change throughout the story, providing all relevant reasons behind the changes and leaving your readers with little to question.

Also, although your characters don’t appear for a long period of time in your story, they certainly play a huge part in the change of Baekhyun (maybe a little less in Kai’s part). Although Sehun isn’t a very close friend of Baekhyun, the way he was there for the latter gave Baekhyun someone to lean on in times of confusion, though Sehun’s replies weren’t always helpful. Taeyeon, who played a huge part (in my opinion), was an eye-opener for Baekhyun. She slapped him hard in the face with reality and her words ultimately caused him to change for the better. I especially liked how she appeared again towards the end, since the change in her attitude towards Baekhyun proved that he really did change for the better.

Overall, I think the characters you’ve created in this story are very realistic and somewhat easy to relate to - well done!

 

 

Plot. 18/20

Honestly, I didn’t really understand where you were going with your plot when I first started reading. To me, the plot wasn’t clear and I thought your plot was a little confusing. But after reading the whole thing, I realised that I was wrong. You’ve focused the entire plot on Baekhyun’s realisation of his person and his change. This plot is a very inspiring one, I would say, since you’ve shown your readers how an individual can change for the better if they put their heart to it, and how small things in life can have big impacts. This storyline is very realistic and easily applicable to real-life situations.

 

 

Consistency/flow. 9/10

The whole flow of the story is very nice. You’ve taken your readers on a journey through Baekhyun’s development and it’s nice to see the step-by-step change in his personality. However, I did find the chapter a little too long and draggy, perhaps cutting it into parts would make it easier to take in.

 

 

Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 13/15

I’m actually very impressed in your English, despite it not being your first language. The way you’ve written the chapter is very professional-like and there weren’t that many things I could pick up on. However, there were a few things that I’ve noticed. Here are some examples:

1.
ORIGINAL: There were those whose first time it was to go dancing [...]
CORRECTED: There were those who were dancing for the first time [...]
NOTE: I’m not too sure what you were trying to say in this sentence, so I went with my instinct and assumed you meant what I corrected it to.

2.
ORIGINAL: Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember last time he had meant it.
CORRECTED: Come to think of it, he couldn’t remember the last time he had meant it.

3.
ORIGINAL: While Baekhyun sat in the hard couch at his friend’s house [...]
CORRECTED: While Baekhyun sat on the hard couch at his friend’s house [...]

4.
ORIGINAL: In a way, Baekhyung felt gratitude that [...]
CORRECTED (1): In a way, Baekhyung felt grateful that [...]
CORRECTED (2): In a way, Baekhyung felt a sense of gratitude that [...]

5.
ORIGINAL: [...] since good grades was higher on the list than a girlfriend [...]
CORRECTED: [...] since good grades were higher on the list than a girlfriend [...]

6.
ORIGINAL: He had completely forgotten that Kai was turning this weekend [...]
NOTE: missing age – turning how old?

I’ve noticed how you tend to write long sentences a lot, but some of them are too long. I do understand the effects of complex sentences, but sometimes when you put too much information into one sentence, it does give you the opposite effect. While I was reading your story, there were times when I wished your sentences were cut shorter, if not split into multiple different ones.

Punctuation-wise, I think other than a few missing commas here and there, there aren’t any major issues.

 

Structure. 5/5

You have used paragraphs perfectly!

 

 

Readers' response. 1/5

Unfortunately, your readers’ responses aren’t that great, but give it some time, I’m sure the statistics will go up! On the other hand, I like how you’ve replied to the comments!

 

 

Overall enjoyment. 8/10


Surprisingly, I found myself enjoying this story more than I thought I would. To be very honest with you, I didn’t really enjoy it at the beginning, mostly because I thought it dragged on a little and the fact that I didn’t really know where you were going with the plotline. But as I read on, I realised how much I was liking the change in Baekhyun and how he was seeing things he wasn’t before. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this story, I really did enjoy it!

 

 

 

Date requested. 24/03/16

Date completed. 01/04/16

Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)

Comments. Firstly, I am so sorry for the hold up! Secondly, happy April Fools!, Lastly, I hope the review is useful to you and thank you for requesting again!

Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owener or the reviewer via PM.
 

Heart, Mind & Seoul layout credit