DarkJustice : Baby Romance

Characters. Baekhyun, Taeyeon, Baekho (OC)

Status. Completed

Description. It was Taeyeon's mistake leaving a baby with another baby. "I'm so sorry! Mommy will never leave you alone again!"
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 4/5
Your title very quickly tells me that this is part of a series and I think it’s quite fitting for your story! It tells the readers exactly what this one shot is about which is great. I wouldn’t say it is the most unique one out there, but to me, it is fine nonetheless!


Description, foreword & tags. 7/10
In regards to the amount of information that you have given, there is practically none haha. I mean, your foreword gives us a simple excerpt but in general, it doesn’t tell me who’s involved in the story and what the general idea is. That being said, your title and poster practically give away everything so I guess if you don’t say much in your description/foreword it doesn’t matter. But I do feel that if I were to be skimming through stories here on AFF, your description would not catch my eye. Your tags are perfectly fine and encompass your entire story!


Appearance: graphics. 4/5, layout. 3/5
Your poster is super cute! It fits in well with the fluffiness of your story. The pink actually reminds me of a girl (I know, a very clichéd assumption) but seeing a little boy on there is a bit contrasting. I think if the poster had a mixture of colours that would be really nice! I found the small line from the review given to you previously in such large font is quite distracting. Also, you do mention what you were inspired by but it is easily drowned out because it is in the same font as everything else. Other than those few points, I like how you provide links to the rest of your series for easy access to readers!


Characterisation. 9/10
Throughout the story, Taeyeon is very much the mature one of the couple while Baekhyun is more childish. This falls in line quite well with what I believe their real personalities are! I do have to say, the moments when you start the story in Baek Ho’s perspective is a little strange as he thinks very maturely for a young child! I didn’t enjoy that part as much but the other aspects are fine!

Both their characters are realistic and stay consistent throughout the story so kudos to you for maintaining that so!


Plot. 15/20
For your plotline, it is not the most original out there. I found that the way you resolved the entire thing at the convenience story quite quickly and the way everyone suddenly burst into tears was a little strange. Usually in plots you have some type of to the story, and I felt like it should have been when Baekhyun lost Baek Ho! Sadly, everything was resolved within a few paragraphs and it felt very anticlimactic to me. As a one shot, I think to improve you can either add a lot more things to make the situation worse for Baekhyun OR you can choose one large idea (like losing the child) and focus on that. Right now, the plot seems rather thrown together and slightly lacking. This is only my suggestion!

As for what you’ve written already, it’s adorable and I enjoyed it!


Consistency/flow. 8/10
As your story is a one shot and furthermore, a slice of life type of story, I think that the pace of your story is perfectly fine! It is clear that the two have been married for a while with Taeyeon taking most of the work in child-raising. It is extremely adorable to see Baekhyun as an inexperienced father!

In terms of flow, I would have to say that besides the grammar mistakes (mentioned below), it is perfectly fine! You section off the story well and everything makes sense together! I’ve taken a mark off as the mistakes that appear interrupt my reading.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 11/15
The biggest thing that sticks out to me is that you are missing words. You also use hyphens extensively throughout the entire piece. Sometimes they work, but most of the time they are used incorrectly.

Ex. As soon Taeyeon cursed – it seemed to capture Baekhyun’s attention.

So first thing here, you are missing a word: As soon as Taeyeon cursed.

Next, the use of the hyphen here is not necessary. As soon as Taeyeon cursed, it seemed to capture Baekhyun’s attention.

You very much tend to use a hyphen when a comma is needed instead. I see this consistently and it sort of bothered me. Perhaps reviewing the roles of hyphens and commas will strengthen your writing!


Structure. 3/5
Although paragraphs do exist in your story, I feel like your decision of when to make it a new paragraph is a little off. There are times when you leave a giant paragraph together but both Baekhyun and Taeyeon are talking, which confuses the readers. As a general rule of thumb, each time someone talks, their words and actions corresponding with those words should be kept together. In the example below, by incorrectly making a new paragraph, it becomes a bit of a guessing game as to who is speaking.

Ex. “I’m tired! Help me with him! Cut off the call right now!” Baekhyun swallowed hard when Taeyeon raised her voice at him. Biting his lip- he cut of the line without bidding goodbye to his secretary, something he did always.

Suggestion: “I’m tired! Help me with him! Cut off the call right now!” [enter] Baekhyun swallowed hard when Taeyeon raised her voice at him. Biting his lip [comma] he cut off the line without bidding goodbye to his secretary, something he always did.

In general, this is your biggest problem. There are many instances in the story where I am guessing who is talking. If you fix this, I believe the flow of the story will be much better!


Readers' response. 3/5
I will be perfectly honest here, your little rant about not receiving enough subscriptions and comments put me off a little bit. To me, it is not a guarantee that a reader will put down any type of comments or subscribe. It’s all about personal preference in this community. As a writer, I also enjoy seeing reader comments at the end of my writing but for you to demand it was a little... As a suggestion, perhaps you can ask nicely for people to put down their thoughts at the end! I also see that you have not replied to most of the reader’s comments. If you do reply, you can build a little community which may help with overall!


Overall enjoyment. 8/10
Your story was extremely adorable and the perfect amount of fluff! Taeyeon and Baekhyun would certainly have the most adorable baby on earth. This mark reflects my enjoyment through taking everything I’ve mentioned into account. Your story was short and sweet, so thank you for sharing!
 

total grade : 75/100

Notes