CHARACTERS · Lee Seulbi (OC), Yoo Kihyun, Other minor KPOP groups

STATUS · Ongoing

DESCRIPTION· A girl fighting depression, and a ghost who's in love with her.
How will he be able to win her love if she can't even see him?

Your foreword is a very short description of the characters in your story. What I really like about it is that although you have given the readers some facts about the two, you have given out different pieces of information rather than the ones you have already given out in the description. This allows the readers to know more about the characters without having to repeatedly read the same thing twice.

As for your tags, I wouldn’t change a lot of it, though I think adding ‘fantasy’ onto the list might be beneficial to you, especially since there are quite a lot of readers that are looking to read fantasy stories to read.

Your layout is simple and easy to read, which is what most people are looking for because they don’t want too many things distracting them while they’re trying to focus on the storyline. I think you’ve done very well in this aspect!

For Kihyun, we know a little bit about him, but not a lot. We know that he is a ghost and he has to haunt the girl’s house for some unknown reason. He seems to be curious about the girl but cannot do anything to speed up the process of knowing more. He seems patient, since he’s willing to wait. He’s kind because helps her out by doing certain things. However, other than that, we don’t know much about him yet.

As for Seulbi, there really isn’t a lot about here to comment on. All we know right now is that she is suffering from depression and is extremely quiet. Even though weird things happen in the house, mostly because of Kihyun, she seems surprised but doesn’t do anything about it, which is very unusual. There are things that are unknown about her, like how her parents died and why did she throw the earrings away.

Hopefully, the readers will be able to know a lot more about these characters, as well as any future characters, as the story progress on!

In chapter one, there aren’t any complete sentences in the first part at all. I’m not sure if that’s intentional because this is a diary entry, but since the next section is written with full sentences, I think you should do the same to the first part to keep the grammar consistent.

For chapter two, the sentence “There're a lot of rooms though,” doesn’t have any grammatical mistakes in it, but using ‘there are’ instead of ‘there’re’ will make more sense. This is because verbally, ‘there’re’ does exist, but when written down, the most conventional way would be ‘there are’.

As for chapter four, I think since Kihyun is writing while all these events are happening, the chapter should be in present tense, therefore it is quite confusing in places where you’re using the past tense.

For example, “I dropped the scissors on the floor for her”, “she picked it up anyway” and “There was a letter”, where they should be: “I drop the scissors on the floor for her”, “she picks it up anyway” and “There is a letter”.

It’s important to keep the tenses constant within the same chapter, unless you’re specifically stating that you’re switching tenses or else it would make it hard to understand the chapter.

Other than the above, there aren’t any major issues that you need to worry about!

One thought - you made your story limited to subscribers only, but what if readers that don’t have an account or don’t want to subscribe want to read your story? This is a thought that I usually put out to those who have their stories limited to subscribers only because in a way, you are limiting the number of people who can read your story. Of course, this is only a thought of mine and therefore will not affect your score.