>> Thorns of a Lily
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY Nubci4
STATUS. Ongoing
DESCRIPTION. Jung Nari and Lu Han are two young musicians that strive to meet goals that have never been theirs in the first place. They suffer from the harsh reality of their families' goals and find solace within each other.
The title is very interesting and intriguing, since lilies don’t have thorns. I think the title is a suitable one, especially since the lead character is named Lily, but I do hope that there will be some kind of reference to your title in your story in the future as I can’t really see the link between title and your plot yet. Nonetheless, the title is rather eye-catching and unique.
Description, foreword & tags. 7/10.
I’d say your description gives out a lot of information about your story. You’ve included two different points of views from the main characters, but I think the only downside to it is that it’s rather hard to tell who’s thought is which.
Your foreword includes a list of your characters - which is good, but I don’t find it completely necessary for you to include Meiying as well since she’s a side character, unless she has a much bigger role in the future.
As for your tags, they seem fine to me.
Appearance: graphics. 5/5, display. 5/5
Your poster is very well made and it suits the story very well. The details of the poster mirrors the details in the story and with the matching background you’ve used, the appearance of the chapters looks very nice.
Also, the general layout is very clean and organised - well done.
Characterisation. 10/10
You’ve written your characters in a great deal of detail - I can see that you have really spent time on doing that. The two characters, Nari and Luhan, are the centre of the plot and you’ve made that point clear to your readers. There aren’t that many side characters that will complicate the story, which is something I am pleased about, since having a lot of characters can be confusing sometimes.
The two characters are very much alike - background-wise and personality-wise. They both come from big families that have high hopes for them, and yet both Nari and Luhan don’t seem to be pleasing their fathers enough. Personality-wise, although both have positive characteristics, they don’t have any friends (apart from each other). The way in which they compliment the other seems very interesting and their interactions are nice to read about. I do hope their relationship develops into something amazing as the story goes on.
Plot. 12/20
The starting point of your plot isn’t too unique, to be very honest. I’ve read stories in the past in which both characters’ dreams are opposed by their families and that they both have to fight together for their future. However, the ending of your plot is yet to be shown, so it might be a little too early for me to assume that your story will end in the same way as many others, though I do sincerely wish Nari and Luhan a happy ending.
The amount of chapters you have written so far hasn’t really covered a lot of the plot, though your readers can see the baby steps that Nari and Luhan are taking, both in their relationship and their dreams. I think this aspect of the plot is very realistic and it reflects how young people do have to fight against their families in order to do what they want to do.
However, unfortunately because the story has yet to be completed, I cannot say much about the plot, as I am sure a lot will be shown in the future chapters of the story.
Consistency/flow. 7/10
The flow of your story isn’t too bad. As I’ve mentioned before, you are showing the small baby steps that the two characters are taking in their journies. However, as much as I do like reading about the small changes between the two, I do think that the speed is a little too slow. Though, I do think the reason for that is because your story is extremely descriptive. Not only you have described your characters’ feelings in depth, you’ve also written about their surroundings, such as a convenience store, in a lot of detail. This is good because you’re trying to show your readers the world your characters are living in, but I do think the long descriptions do tend to drag out a little and make your story seem very long and slow.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 13/15
Since English is your first language, I wasn’t expecting any major issues with your work, though I have found some examples in each chapter. I’ve listed them down below, and after the list, I have a couple of points to make. (The list is pretty long, sorry.)
Chapter 1
1.
ORIGINAL: She set the sheets of music that was in her hands […]
CORRECTED: She set the sheets of music that were in her hands […]
ORIGINAL: He half-skipped and half walked down the halls.
CORRECTED: He half-skipped and half-walked down the halls.
3.
ORIGINAL: […] so once some introduced themselves to him […]
CORRECTED: […] so once someone introduced themselves to him […]
Chapter 2
1.
ORIGINAL: He gave the girl named Nari once more glance.
CORRECTED: He gave the girl named Nari one more glance.
Chapter 3
1.
ORIGINAL: Nari quickly walked to her locker and put the books that she needed to do her homework that night, into her backpack.
CORRECTED: Nari quickly walked to her locker and put the books that she needed to do her homework that night into her backpack.
2.
ORIGINAL: He quickened his pace and rushed towards the doors as if it were his mission.
CORRECTED: He quickened his pace and rushed towards the doors as if it was his mission.
3.
ORIGINAL: He bumped into a few people and only offered a few apologies to some.
CORRECTED (1): He bumped into a few people but only offered a few apologies.
CORRECTED (2): He bumped into a few people but only offered apologies to some.
4.
ORIGINAL: Once he was pass the school gates […]
CORRECTED: Once he past the school gates […]
5.
ORIGINAL: Did she had a date to go to?
CORRECTED: Did she have a date to go to?
6.
ORIGINAL: […] but he couldn’t just help himself.
CORRECTED: […] but he just couldn’t help himself.
7.
ORIGINAL: Luhan was beginning to run out of breathe and stop following her […]
CORRECTED: Luhan was beginning to run out of breath and stopped following her […]
8.
ORIGINAL: He hummed to himself and patted down his clothes, just how Nari did before she entered the store.
CORRECTED: He hummed to himself and patted down his clothes, just like how Nari did before she entered the store.
9.
ORIGINAL: He nodded once with a determined smiled and […]
CORRECTED: He nodded once with a determined smile and […]
10.
ORIGINAL: He kept on muttered strange phrases that […]
CORRECTED: He kept on muttering strange phrases that […]
11.
ORIGINAL: He puffed air into his face, bring out his lower lip.
CORRECTED: He puffed air onto his face, and brought out his lower lip.
12.
ORIGINAL: Usually stores like this was rather dirty.
CORRECTED: Usually stores like this were rather dirty.
1.
ORIGINAL: Nari; however, preferred to go to school by bus.
CORRECTED: Nari, however, preferred to go to school by bus.
2.
ORIGINAL: Lost in her thoughts, Nari didn’t notice that the bus had stopped at her designated destination.
CORRECTED: Lost in her thoughts, Nari didn’t notice that the bus had stopped at her destination.
3.
ORIGINAL: She smiled in content at the fresh air […]
CORRECTED: She smiled in contentment at the fresh air […]
4.
ORIGINAL: […] but being the presence of those kind of people […]
CORRECTED: […] but being in the presence of those kinds of people […]
5.
ORIGINAL: There were a wide variety of different subjects to choose from […]
CORRECTED: There was a wide variety of different subjects to choose from […]
6.
ORIGINAL: The more that Luhan looked at the drawing, the more he thought that it resembled Nari herself.
CORRECTED: The more Luhan looked at the drawing, the more he thought it resembled Nari herself.
7.
ORIGINAL: […] but then she heard a beautiful and melodious sound, drown her ears.
CORRECTED: […] but then she heard a beautiful and melodious sound flow into her ears.
8.
ORIGINAL: He seemed so emerged into the music.
CORRECTED: He seemed so engrossed in the music.
9.
ORIGINAL: Slowly, Luhan’s mood began to sour.
CORRECTED: Slowly, Luhan’s mood began to turn sour.
Chapter 5
1.
ORIGINAL: He would be her knight in shining armor forever if he had too.
CORRECTED: He would be her knight in shining armor forever if he had to.
2.
ORIGINAL: He figured out that she was often bullied and face many difficult situations […]
CORRECTED: He figured out that she was often bullied and faced many difficult situations […]
3.
ORIGINAL: Because Luhan never really cared about anything buy music […]
CORRECTED: Because Luhan never really cared about anything but music […]
4.
ORIGINAL: Nari shivered slightly, ducking her rose cheeks and nose […]
CORRECTED: Nari shivered slightly, ducking her rosy cheeks and nose […]
5.
ORIGINAL: Her lips were in a firm lines as she […]
CORRECTED: Her lips were in a firm line as she […]
6.
ORIGINAL: Nari protested, but Luhan was far more stronger than her and didn’t stop.
CORRECTED: Nari protested, but Luhan was far stronger than her and didn’t stop.
7.
ORIGINAL: He spaced out during his math class to plan out how he would make Nari forgive him. If he even needed any forgiving.
CORRECTED: He spaced out during his math class to plan out how he would make Nari forgive him, if he even needed any forgiving.
8.
ORIGINAL: The polished floor shinned in the single light […]
CORRECTED: The polished floor shined in the single light […]
Chapter 6
1.
ORIGINAL: He thought that if he laid down for a while, it would have dissipated […]
CORRECTED: He thought that if he lay down for a while, it would have disappeared […]
2.
ORIGINAL: He wished that he had the confidence that she did.
CORRECTED: He wished that he had the confidence that she had.
3.
ORIGINAL: “Today, we’ll be painting out future […]
CORRECTED: “Today, we’ll be painting our future […]
I’ve noticed that in your writing, you often start sentences off with either ‘he’ or ‘she’. In order to not make the whole paragraph seem like a list of things they did, do try and start your sentences in different ways - that will make your writing seem less boring and draggy. I would also avoid using the same word in the same sentence more than once - try and use different types of words and expand your vocabulary.
In the first few chapters, you’ve spelt Luhan’s name in two different ways (Lu Han and Luhan). Both of them are correct, but for the sake of consistency, do try and stick to one spelling only. There are also a couple of times when you’ve used Lilly instead of Nari.
Structure. 5/5
You have structured your work perfectly, well done!
Readers' response. 3/5
Unfortunately, your statistics seem a little weak, despite the length of time since its publication onto the site. You have some comments, and a consistent commentator, but you’ve only replied to a few of them. Please do remember that interactions with your readers are the key to success.
Overall enjoyment. 6/10
Although at first, I was a little bored because of the long descriptive text, but every time I got to the point where different things happen, I found myself to be a little excited. The storyline is quite a mature one, I would say, and I think because I’m at the age to be experiencing the things you’ve mentioned in your story, I can relate to them. I think the story does have potential, but it will probably take some time, so do be patient and look forward to the results once your story has been completed!
Date completed. 07/04/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. Firstly, I am sorry to have kept you waiting - I was really hoping to be able to read your story in depth before reviewing it. Secondly, please do forgive my harshness and if I have offended you in any way, please do tell me straightaway! Thank you for requesting at Heart, Mind & Seoul!
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