Nubci4 : Illusion

Characters. Kim Joonmyun, OC

Status. Completed

Description. For every university, there’s always that clique of boys that take over girls’ hearts. Everyone wants to be with them and be them. They’re the perfect boyfriend and husband material. But, one particular guy sticks out like a sore thumb. Kim Joonmyun. He’s a nerd and hides behind his thick glasses. He always dresses like he’s attending a private school, and he’s always the careful one of the group. His friends love him for whom he really is, but he can’t trust that because of the harsh comments thrown towards him by the whole student body. All he ever did was attend school, get good grades, and hang out with his friends. What wrong had he ever done to his school mates?

When Joonmyun starts to give up on life, one particular person shows up out of nowhere to help him through the hardships that life throws at him.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 4/5
Although the word ‘illusion’ is very common and not eye-catching, it suits your story very well. It’s simple and mysterious, and your readers won’t understand what it really means until they finish the story. The disadvantage of this title, ironically, is its simplicity. One-worded titles are very common, therefore sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish one story from another, especially if they use similar words as their titles.


Description, foreword & tags. 7/10
I find your description to be a little on the longer end. I personally prefer shorter descriptions, because they tend to make me want to read more to find out. However, since your description is quite long and detailed, it put me off a little since I wanted to find out those things by reading your story. Also, what you’ve written in the description is also in the story itself - which I find unnecessary, because you’re just repeating what your readers already know from the description in your story. To be very honest, I think the line: “When Joonmyun starts to give up on life, one particular person shows up out of nowhere to help him through the hardships that life throws at him.” does the perfect job as your description, because it doesn’t give away too much, but at the same time it draws your readers in.

As for your foreword, I really like the way you’ve teased your readers with a small section of the actual chapter, as it shows your readers what it’s like to be reading your story. However, I don’t really understand the use of those two quotes. They don’t appear in the story, nor do the people who said them. Perhaps you can link them into your story for better effects.

In regards of your tags, I think they’re perfectly fine.


Appearance: graphics. 5/5, layout. 4/5
The poster is very well made, kudos to your graphic designer. The theme of the poster is very calming, which suits the story well. It’s simple and clean, very ideal for a story such as yours. The background image you’ve use matches with the poster, and the way it doesn’t have too many things on it makes it easy on the eyes when you’re reading.

Other than finding your font a little too small, I think your overall layout is nice and simple.


Characterisation. 8/10
Joonmyun, the main character, is someone with a lot of depth, and I have to say you did a good job in portraying him in your story. He started off as someone who can’t stand being with people other than his friends, and even if he is with his friends there is an underlying uncomfort within himself that he can’t speak about. And then, Sora comes along, and ‘saves’ him, hence the growth of his character. I like the way you’ve written about the changes in his personality - how he’s becoming more open and cheerful. Though his regression at the end did bring some disappointment from me, because I was expecting him to get better. Nonetheless, the character of Joonmyun is of high quality, but I think there are some ways that you can go about in regards to developing this character further.

About your supporting characters, I think you’ve put them into good ‘use’. Each person has their own job in the plotline, but I do think the number of close friends Joonmyun has is a little too much. I understand that you might have wanted to include all members of EXO-K, but in my opinion, the only ones that are truly crucial in this story are Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, and maybe Jongin - the others seem a little extra for me.

As for Sora, without a doubt, her appearance marked the turning point of Joonmyun’s life, and the plot. Although she is an illusion, her character is quite interesting. I would have thought of her more as a spirit rather than an illusion Joonmyun created within his head. Also, the addition of Hana made Joonmyun realise things he didn’t see before, which is a good thing, but I think she deserves a little more depth than what you have for her now, especially since she was the other turning point in the plot.


Plot. 14/20
Overall, the plot isn’t a ‘bad’ one, but there are places where you can improve upon, in order to develop the storyline more. Right now, I feel the plot is quite common - a person with social difficulties meets someone who brings him or her out of their shell and transforming them into a ‘better’ person - nothing too special about it, honestly speaking. Though, I guess the twist of Sora being an illusion does add some spice to the plot, but even then I feel the things that happened before the last chapter was a little too normal.

I have to say though, the situation Joonmyun is in is actually quite common to those who have lost a dear one. People do tend to create fantasies in order to keep them going - and I do like the way you’ve written about that in your plot, because it adds ‘mundaneness’ and it makes easier for people to relate to your plot. However, I think the part about how Joonmyun and Sora were kidnapped and how Sora was and killed was a little dramatic and out of place. I think you were trying to think of an extreme situation that could have cause Sora’s death and Joonmyun’s amnesia, but it doesn’t really fit in with the whole theme of your story.

I think the plot definitely has the potential to be developed further, especially since you’ve written the ‘base’ of it very nicely and it’s easy to write on top of. I feel there can be more added to the end of the story, maybe as a short sequel, or something of that sort, to show the real ending of Joonmyun. Despite that, I think you’ve done really well in writing this story!


Consistency/flow. 10/10
On average, I think the flow of your story is not bad. It spans over five chapters, and each chapter is of some length and detail. The timeline in your story seems plausible and realistic, though I did find the first two chapters to be a little draggy, despite the first turning point taking place in the first chapter. Nevertheless, the pace of the story is very good!


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 15/15
Your writing style is amazing - I can hardly find any mistakes in your grammar, punctuation or spelling - well done!

However, I did find one sentence that irked me a little - perhaps it’s the wording of it: He kept on pushing his glass up farther the bridge of his nose. (chapter 2)

I think it’ll sound better if it’s changed to: He kept on pushing his glasses farther up the bridge of his nose.

Other than that, there’s really nothing I need point out or correct!


Structure. 5/5
Paragraphing is definitely not one of your worries, for you have used paragraphs perfectly in your story.


Readers' response. 5/5
I have to say, your statistics are wonderful! You have a large number of subscribers, upvotes and comments. What I really like is how you’ve taken time to reply to your readers’ comments!


Overall enjoyment. 7/10
Even though Suho is not my bias in EXO (to be honest I don’t even know if I have a bias anymore…), I really did enjoy this story. It’s probably because I can relate to it to some extent, but I think the way you’ve written this really did draw me in. Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you all the best with this story and any future stories!

Oh, and did I mention that I actually laughed at that Cinderella joke?
 

total grade : 84/100

Notes