>> Letting Her Go
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY Bts_lover13
STATUS. Ongoing
DESCRIPTION.
BTS became close friends with Lee Sung-min a female fan of theirs, which was against the rules but they made sure to hide it. They began to think of her as their little sister and wanted to help her from her abusive father. But they got caught when a video of Kim Taehyung meeting her after another drunken attack and consoling her went viral. Fans misunderstand and many problems arised.
BTS was unable to do anything when she committed suicide. It turned out their manager was the one who leaked the video and since then BTS has not performed. It's now been a year and on her death anniversary the manager gives them an AI (robot) meant to heal them, his name is M1CK3Y.
They have 6 months to perform again or be disbanded, they reject him at first but then slowly treat him like a human until the same events begin to happen making them question everything. Will him being non-human protect him or will he suffer the same fate? Can BTS protect the "person" they love or will they be cursed to grieve again?
The title fits the storyline well, but unfortunately it is not unique and it’s rather common. Even though it suits your story well, it does give away a lot, especially since it has negative emotions surrounding the few words. I would suggest a title that is more linked to their present rather than their past, though the choice is completely up to you.
Description, foreword & tags. 5/10.
Your description is very long. I would say it’s much longer than I expected a description to be. I think the long description gives you the advantage of not writing the past in a lot of detail, but at the same time you’re not telling your readers a lot about your characters in terms of their feelings and emotions. With the length and contents of your description, I would suggest making it into a prologue instead of a description.
On the other hand, I think your foreword is quite effective. You’ve shown your readers what to expect in the story but taking out extracts from your chapter. The fact that you haven’t put a lot in this section also makes it effective, as a short amount of text will feed into your reader's’ curiosity and interests them to continue reading.
I think your tags are rather complicated and diverse. It would be nice if you can condense them a little and only tag your story with tags you think are absolute necessary and crucial to your story. Right now, it would be beneficial if you included the genre of your story in your tags, and possibly take out ‘imyonna’ and ‘parkhyungseok’ as they don’t seem relevant to your plot.
Appearance: graphics. -/5, display. 3/5
I’m not sure if you wanted me to comment on your poster but since you didn’t provide me with a link in the submission or after you received your poster, unfortunately I will not comment on the graphics.
However, I am able to talk about the display of your story. Overall, I think the layout is nice and pretty, but in my opinions, it doesn’t really fit in with the theme of the plot. It seems to be a little too peaceful and serene for the darker aspects of your story. However, in your actual chapters, the plain layout seems to fit better than the layout you have at the front page.
Characterisation. 3/10
At the moment, not a lot is known about your characters. Your characters are not too well developed in terms of deeper thoughts and feelings (please forgive me for my harsh words). I think this is mostly due to the length of story you have so far, but I think in order for your story to progress, you will need to develop your characters very deeply with more detail, as your story seems to have a complicated storyline. It would be most helpful to you if you choose only a few of characters to develop and write about, rather than the whole lot of characters you have at the moment.
The relationships between your characters are very vague, and it is very hard to tell who is linked with who in what way. In this case, you will need to make their interactions clearer as well as their links to each other. Perhaps it’s still a little early at this point of the story, but do make sure to make it obvious who the main characters are.
Plot. 5/20
Although you do have an interesting and unique plot, I have to say it is very confusing. From the moment I saw ‘AI’ in the description, I knew the story wouldn’t be set in the real world. Though I did prepare myself for some surprises, I have to say I am very confused, especially after reading the second chapter. The settings and the scenes in the second chapter is completely different to the first, and there are almost no link between the two chapters. I think you will expand on the happenings in between the two chapters later on, but at the moment, I really cannot tell what has happened or what is going on. The plot right now is very unclear and muddled; the direction of the story is unknown and there aren’t any hints as to what is going to happen in the future. Because of the missing link between chapter one and chapter two, a lot of questions came up, which I hope will be answered in future chapters.
Please don’t be disheartened by my words as you do have an interesting point. But in order for you to develop your plot, you will need to plan a lot more, as well as write in more details to explain the things that your readers are unsure about.
Consistency/flow. 1/10
I think the biggest flaw in this department so far is the transition from chapter one to chapter two. Like I have mentioned in the section above, there is no link between the chapters. This disrupts the flow of the story, as well as the consistency of it. You will need to somehow lead your readers from one chapter to another smoothly otherwise they will be confused. I hope this will be worked on in the future in your story.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 10/15
Although English is your first language, there are still a couple of things you need to correct, the first being that lack of commas in some sentences. It is very important to use commas as it will change the meaning of a sentence completely if you have misplaced it or misused it. Therefore you need to be very careful when using commas and take care of where you need them and where you don’t. I have included a couple of examples from your work to show where you need to correct the use of commas as well as other things.
Description/Foreword
1.
ORIGINAL: Fans misunderstand and many problems arised.
CORRECTED: Fans misunderstand and many problems arose.
2.
ORIGINAL: "Here this is for you, take good care of it it was expensive and it's your last chance."
CORRECTED: "Here, this is for you, take good care of it, it was expensive and it's your last chance."
Chapter 1
1.
ORIGINAL: The door opened but they didn't acknowledge it, too immersed in their grief too notice.
CORRECTED: The door opened but they didn't acknowledge it, they were too immersed in their grief too notice.
2.
ORIGINAL: Today was the anniversary of her death, the day she dissapeared from […]
CORRECTED: Today was the anniversary of her death, the day she disappeared from […]
3.
ORIGINAL: A man yelled finally catching their attention.
CORRECTED: A man yelled, finally catching their attention.
4.
ORIGINAL: Yoongi snapped going straight to the point but it did nothing to take the smile of the manager's face.
CORRECTED: Yoongi snapped, going straight to the point but it did nothing to take the smile of the manager's face.
5.
ORIGINAL: The manager's eyes darkened as he took a threatening step forward his hand raised, ready to strike him for the blatant disrespect.
CORRECTED: The manager's eyes darkened as he took a threatening step forward his with hand raised, ready to strike him for the blatant disrespect.
6.
ORIGINAL: There lay a boy as old as Jungguk or younger […]
CORRECTED: There laid a boy as old as Jungguk or younger […]
Chapter 2
1.
ORIGINAL: A young boy dressed in numerous layers and all black, held a bouquet of white lilies drenched from head to toe but it seemed he didn't care
CORRECTED: A young boy dressed in numerous layers of black, held a bouquet of white lilies. He was drenched from head to toe but it seemed he didn't care.
2.
ORIGINAL: He quickly sprung out of the car, his teeth chattering and […]
CORRECTED: He quickly sprung out of the car, his teeth clattering and […]
3.
ORIGINAL: He wiped the foggy windshield before starting the car his face numb.
CORRECTED: He wiped the foggy windshield before starting the car. His face was numb.
4.
ORIGINAL: The driver kept his eyes on the road as the traffic began to move,
CORRECTED: The driver kept his eyes on the road as the traffic began to move.
5.
ORIGINAL: "We're close there's just alot of traffic since it's rush hour and specifically Seoul."
CORRECTED: "We're close, there's just a lot of traffic since it's rush hour, especially in Seoul."
Structure. 4/5
On the whole, the structure of your story isn’t too bad - you’re using paragraphs where necessary, but at times you’ve started a new paragraph when it’s not needed. Once again, I think a beta-reader will be very helpful in this aspect as well.
Readers' response. 2/5
Unfortunately, the statistics of your story are not very high. Your subscribers are at a low single digit, and your views are too high. You have an okay amount of comments and it’s pleasing to see how the comments you’ve gotten are rather lengthy and in depth. It is also a pleasure to see that you’ve replied to the comments in some detail.
This isn’t something you should dwell on, as I’m sure in time, your story will gain more attention from readers on the site.
Overall enjoyment. 4/10
This story is definitely an interesting one! Your plot is rather unique and different, which is a pleasure to read about. However, unfortunately it was quite hard to understand what you have written because of the link between the chapters. Although I was able to understand what was going on in chapter one, I was very confused when I started to read chapter two, to the point I had to re-read chapter one in case there was something I missed.
Nonetheless, it’s very nice to see a different story around and I think this can turn out to be something different if you continue to write. Well done for coming up with such an interesting plot!
Date completed. 09/05/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. Please do allow me to apologise for the long wait and my harsh words. I hope you aren’t offended by my words but if there are any problems, please do not hesitate to contact myself. Thank you for your patience and for requesting at Heart, Mind & Seoul.
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