>> Chinese Family Expedition 中国家庭的远征
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
CHINESE FAMILY EXPEDITION 中国家庭的远征
BY tao_ris69
BY tao_ris69
CHARACTERS. Kris, Tao, Liu Yifei, William Chan, Wei Chen, Jackson, Joshua, Yoon Eun Hye, Masong, He Jiong
STATUS. Ongoing
DESCRIPTION.
JUST Think about Tao and Kris meeting up coincidentally in A VARIETY SHOW?
/Grinning everywhere/ Do you expect nothing to happen?
Of course, something is really going to happen!!
Will their lovely past change the ruined future?
Will they regret their wrong decisions?
Will something unintentional happen?
Will they LOVE AGAIN?
MAYBE, MAYBE NOT!
Story title. 3/5
It didn't catch my attention, nor did it make me intrigued to read your story. It sounds more like the title of a roleplay than of a fanfic. Maybe you should rethink the title?
Your description kinda sounds like you're trying to sell a product to me, and you're trying too hard. Your description should be interesting and should catch the reader's eye. You should rewrite your description in a way that makes the reader want to read more of the story. Also, why the M-rating? Your story is far from rated M.
Your poster is very cute; it makes up for your description and title.
Tao and Kris are too eccentric to be called real characters. While reading your story, I couldn't really make out their individual characters, and their association with the plot. They seemed too odd and unreal to me. A good character has very distinct opinions, flaws, beliefs, and characteristics, and your characters did not have that. The side characters were also lacking.
Your plot is unique, but pretty cliched. I like the concept of a variety show, but you could have executed it a bit better. Perhaps it is because your story is still in the beginning stages, but there were many plot holes and loops which, to be honest, made me lose interest in your story. Hopefully as you progress with the story, it gets better.
Your flow is good when you stick to one POV. When you suddenly switch from Kris to Tao, it leaves me reeling because I'm not sure what happened. Your consistency is also not very good. The reader should be able to smoothly move along with your narration, but it was choppy and awkward. Give your story a re-read from the reader's shoes and you will understand what I am saying.
Your style of writing uses a lot of text slang, which a BIG no. A VERY BIG no. Also, too many exclamation marks makes your story seem immature. Cut down on the "!!!!!!!!!!!!" and the "????!!!!!???". There were grammar errors as well, but could be overlooked.
You made good use of paragraphs, but I would recommend making dialogues as individual lines of their own.
Only 36 subscribers and 0 upvotes are not very good stats, especially when you have 591 views. Your characters are idols from EXO, which is one of the more popular bands, and you should have more subs and upvotes. You did make the time and effort to reply to the comments so kudos on that.
I did not enjoy your story. Though it had a unique plot and I'm a er for unique plots, your story was not for me. The grammatical errors, the loopy plot, and the choppy flow didn't do it for me. But with effort, like all of us, you can definitely go sky high.
It didn't catch my attention, nor did it make me intrigued to read your story. It sounds more like the title of a roleplay than of a fanfic. Maybe you should rethink the title?
Description, foreword & tags. 6/10.
Your description kinda sounds like you're trying to sell a product to me, and you're trying too hard. Your description should be interesting and should catch the reader's eye. You should rewrite your description in a way that makes the reader want to read more of the story. Also, why the M-rating? Your story is far from rated M.
Appearance: graphics. 5/5, display. 2/5
Your poster is very cute; it makes up for your description and title.
Using random hangul or chinese letters in the middle of english text is very weird, and makes it look messy and chaotic. Of course, in the occasional angst story or such, it makes sense, but not here.
Characterisation. 4/10
Tao and Kris are too eccentric to be called real characters. While reading your story, I couldn't really make out their individual characters, and their association with the plot. They seemed too odd and unreal to me. A good character has very distinct opinions, flaws, beliefs, and characteristics, and your characters did not have that. The side characters were also lacking.
You should try character maps to solidify your characters.
Plot. 9/20
Your plot is unique, but pretty cliched. I like the concept of a variety show, but you could have executed it a bit better. Perhaps it is because your story is still in the beginning stages, but there were many plot holes and loops which, to be honest, made me lose interest in your story. Hopefully as you progress with the story, it gets better.
Consistency/flow. 5/10
Your flow is good when you stick to one POV. When you suddenly switch from Kris to Tao, it leaves me reeling because I'm not sure what happened. Your consistency is also not very good. The reader should be able to smoothly move along with your narration, but it was choppy and awkward. Give your story a re-read from the reader's shoes and you will understand what I am saying.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 3/15
Your style of writing uses a lot of text slang, which a BIG no. A VERY BIG no. Also, too many exclamation marks makes your story seem immature. Cut down on the "!!!!!!!!!!!!" and the "????!!!!!???". There were grammar errors as well, but could be overlooked.
Structure. 4/5
You made good use of paragraphs, but I would recommend making dialogues as individual lines of their own.
Readers' response. 1/5
Only 36 subscribers and 0 upvotes are not very good stats, especially when you have 591 views. Your characters are idols from EXO, which is one of the more popular bands, and you should have more subs and upvotes. You did make the time and effort to reply to the comments so kudos on that.
Overall enjoyment. 2/10
I did not enjoy your story. Though it had a unique plot and I'm a er for unique plots, your story was not for me. The grammatical errors, the loopy plot, and the choppy flow didn't do it for me. But with effort, like all of us, you can definitely go sky high.
TOTAL GRADE. 44/100
Date requested. 12/05/16
Date completed. 05/06/16
Reviewer. Sonny (sonnet_sartori)
Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owner or the reviewer via PM.
Date completed. 05/06/16
Reviewer. Sonny (sonnet_sartori)
Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owner or the reviewer via PM.
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