TwiceAzeline : Spreading Our Wings

Characters. Jimin & rest of BTS

Status. Completed

Description. For their latest album, all seven members of BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan) have poured in their blood, sweat and tears to release solo songs pertaining to their own experiences in life. They're all different stories that share one similarity theme-wise—the growth of a young boy to a mature man.

And so, today, we will explore how BTS is able to spread their wings out to fly and reach to the sky.

During the journey, there will be stumbling blocks along the way. But it's okay. We stumble, we fall, but we also get up. We'll survive, for sure.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 5/5
Your title is really good! It caught my eye and it made me want to read more. Good job on that one~


Description, foreword & tags. 8/10
Though your title is eye catching and unique in its own way, your description isn’t. It sounds more like the synopsis of a textbook or a non-fiction. Your story is dark and beautiful, and I think you could work on the description to be more similar to the feel of it.

I like how you put the contents in the foreword instead of an excerpt.

The tags are perfect, but why so many references to BTS, though? In my opinion, you could specify the various genres that your story encompasses, instead of tags like ‘bangtansonyeondan’, ‘bangtanboys’, ‘bangtan’ and ‘bts’.


Appearance: graphics. 3/5, layout. 5/5
Your poster is also not exactly suited to the story, I feel. At first glance, it looks more like a Christmas story than a coming-of-age angst. I think if it had been a contrast between dark and light to show the hopelessness and hopefulness your story portrays, it would have been better.

I do love the font that you used, though! However, your layout definitely makes up for what your poster lacks. The aesthetic is awesome, the chapter titles are also similarly nice to look at. You used a minimal, clutter-free layout which suits your story, so great job~


Characterisation. 9/15
Your personification of Jimin seems very sudden to me. It is as if you pulled me and plonked me right into the middle of the story. True, most stories start from the middle, but your story was strangely fragmented and puzzled. Jimin feels very undone and raw; as if you’ve just plucked his character from the tree.

I feel like you had a word limit to stick to, and had to rush to develop his personality in that short space. I recommend that you cut down on the adjectives and instead, develop characters slowly. But, Jimin is very relatable. I feel like I’ve felt his feelings, and that is definitely a good thing.


Plot. 19/20
I like your idea of explaining all the songs. It’s not something I’ve read before. Your plot is good, but as I said, you rushed it. Drag it out, spread it slowly and cleanly, and it will be a masterpiece.


Consistency/flow. 2/10
Your consistency and flow is something I think you should work on. Jimin’s angst over being less than perfect is something every single one of us has felt, and I think if you had managed to explain it over more than just a paragraph or two, it would have been much better. I love your plot and your idea (kinda jealous tbh haha) but I wish you would write more and let the story flow on its own, instead of forcing it to finish faster. Consistency generally means whether you maintain the same feel throughout the story. Though you don’t, (you switch from angst to fluff all too fast) your story is not inconsistent. It’s just rushed. Also, BTS’s concern for Jimin is touching. I like how you put in small hints of the members’ concern for Jimin all through the story.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 12/15
Your grammar was pretty good and I didn’t really find any major mistakes, apart from just some typos like:

“Jimin swallowed the lump that had somehow formed on his throat while laughing crazily at the sight in front of him.”

I think “formed IN his throat” is more appropriate.

These can be easily fixed with a quick read-through or ask someone to edit it for you. Typos aren’t very serious, though, and if you don’t get the chance to fix them, it’s no big deal.


Writing style. 1/5
Your writing style is… different. It’s not what I’m used to reading on AFF, to be honest. Your excessive descriptions and details, adjectives and adverbs make for exhausting prose. Also:

“On the other hand, the members prepared the birthday cake and the present they made with their sleep.”

Is that a mistake, or am I just dumb?

You write in a very intricate, elegant way that gives off a sophisticated vibe, but it’s also very relatable. I like your descriptions of Jimin’s pain in the beginning. Your wordings of his thoughts and memories are so engaging that when you snap off from Jimin’s POV to BTS’s POV, it is like a physical jump.

The humor at the end is great! The beginning is angsty and dark, but you end it on a genuinely happy note. I like that~


Structure. 4/5
You could break up a few paragraphs to make smaller, easier-to-read paragraphs. Other than that, all is well in this category.

"The other members nodded in unison after some contemplation over Yoongi’s words. At first glance, many would think that Yoongi was the emotionless guy in the group, but in actuality, he really was the sharpest out of them all. Indeed, it was true that Park Jimin, on normal and sunny days, was a ball of fluff, an enthusiastic dancer, and a scaredy cat who was often the members’ target to bully (especially for the Satan Maknae Jeon Jungkook). The other side of Park Jimin had never been gone unnoticed by the members, though—even to the fans (because, unlike what Jimin might have hoped, he wasn’t a good actor). Park Jimin was cute, but he forced a manly act. Park Jimin was sensitive, but he forced an unbothered act. And lastly, Park Jimin was self-conscious, but he forced a confident act. The young boy, Park Jimin, was a hesitant boy like many others, but still he tried to conceal his weaknesses up with a lie that was way too perfect to be true."

This paragraph for example, you could split it into two paragraphs so that readers don’t skim through.


Readers' response. 3/5
I like that you have replied to every one of the comments, but you should have much more subscribers and votes. Try to update regularly and make your chapters longer.


Overall enjoyment.
I did enjoy your plot and the idea, but as I said, you rushed it and hurried the development a bit.
 

total grade : 71/100

Notes