rain
BY inspiritxbaby

Story title. 4/5

The title definitely suits the storyline very well, but since it’s not a very unique one, readers may overlook it. However, I think this title is probably the most fitting one so I wouldn’t change it at all.

 

 

Description, foreword & tags. 10/10.

I absolutely love your description! It’s really poetic and it outlines the plot well. Although it doesn’t give a lot away, it also gives enough to keep your readers intrigued and interested. I also like the way you’ve included a short part of Butterfly’s lyrics in your foreword - it really does bring some feelings into the story, not to mention it really fits with the story. Well done!

 

 

Appearance: graphics. 4/5, display. 5/5

Your poster is very well made, though at first I did see the water droplets as flower petals, probably because of the tree in the background. Honestly, I kind of expected a darker colour theme rather than the current one, which I do think a rather light. However, I do think your poster does with well with the theme of the story.

The overall layout of your story is very simple and clean, which is something I prefer over fancy layouts and backgrounds.

 

 

Characterisation. 8/10

For a one-shot, I think your characters are pretty well developed. Let’s start with Chaeyeon. From what I understand, she’s a quiet girl who loves to read. It seems like she likes to spend time on her own, but it changed with Jungkook appeared. With the presence of the boy, she became brighter and more cheery. I would say she’s quite stubborn and has her own trail of thoughts and opinions that other people find it hard to change. I wouldn’t say her character is a strong one, because she is seen to be rather weak at times, especially when she thinks about how Jungkook disappears every time after the rain stops.

Jungkook is quite the mysterious boy, since he just came out of nowhere and entered Chaeyeon’s life (again). Even though there are aspects that I don’t really understand about him, I think his appearance in Chaeyeon’s life was a turning point for her, for better and for worst.

I actually quite like your characters in this story. They’re not your usual typical characters in a fiction. I think you do have the space to develop them a little further, especially in terms of mentality and thoughts, but for an one-chaptered story, your characters are developed enough for you to be writing about them in detail.

 

 

Plot. 16/20

Your plot isn’t the most unique one out there, but you’ve written it in such a way that it is different to others. In other words, I think the way you’ve developed the storyline is what makes this different to other stories. The scenes in the story are very real and you can see them happening in everyday life, such as the coffee shop scene and the bookstore scene. Also, hallucinations aren’t uncommon at all, especially for those who have been through very traumatic events in the lives, though I would say it’s a little touchy to talk about such topics for various reasons.

There were a couple of questions that popped up in my head after I finished reading the story. Were the scenes at the coffee shop and at Jimin’s bookstore parts of Chaeyeon’s hallucinations as well? Also, was Chaeyeon okay with knowing that Jungkook was never there in the first place? When Chaeyeon’s mother told her to move on, it was only then that Chaeyeon realised the truth, but was she okay with it? I would have liked to read more about her feelings before moving onto the next part of the story.

Another think I would like to point out is the sentence “Jeon Jungkook was never alive.” For some reason, this doesn’t really make sense, because Jungkook was like and wasn’t a total hallucination made by Chaeyeon. Perhaps you should rephrase the sentence so it wouldn’t seem like Jungkook never existed in the first place.

 

 

Consistency/flow. 8/10

The overall flow of your story is pretty nice. The time skips are written nicely within your paragraphs and there aren’t any huge time gaps that would confuse your readers. However, I personally found Jungkook’s disappearance and Chaeyeon’s realisation of her hallucinations a little sudden. Perhaps this is your intention but I found it coming a little too quickly since there aren’t any ‘symptoms’ of her hallucinations coming to an end beforehand.

 

 

Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 10/15

On the whole, your English isn’t something huge to worry about, though I did pick up on a couple of things that you’re not getting to grips with quite yet.

1.
ORIGINAL: At times like these
CORRECTED: At times like this
NOTES: Only one situation is talked about (i.e. the barista turning up the heater) therefore ‘this’ should be used instead of ‘these’

2.
ORIGINAL: There stood a boy who looked around my age-a college student perhaps- half soaked in rain water.
CORRECTED: There stood a boy who looked around my age – a college student perhaps – half soaked in rainwater.
NOTES: There should be a space before and after the (-) as you’re using it as a dash (–) instead of a hyphen in this case. [Recurring mistake]

3.
ORIGINAL: “[...] been expecting people to show up for shelter here,” the barista smiles.
CORRECTED: “[...] been expecting people to show up for shelter here,” the barista smiled.

4.
ORIGINAL: “Yes, of course,” the boy smiles back and [...]
CORRECTED: “Yes, of course,” the boy smiled back and [...]

5.
ORIGINAL: [...] only to realize that we're the only customers here.
CORRECTED: [...] only to realize that we were the only customers here.
NOTES:The contraction of ‘we’re’ is for ‘we are’, not ‘we were’.

6.
ORIGINAL: I was taken aback by myself being able to talk to a stranger for such a long period.
CORRECTED: I was taken aback by how I was able to talk to a stranger for such a long period of time.

7.
ORIGINAL: Now I owe him one. And owing to people really isn’t my cup of tea.
NOTES: Try and use a connective to join these two sentences up – I wouldn’t start a sentence with ‘and’.

8.
ORIGINAL: It was a week since then.
CORRECTED: It has been a week since then.

9.
ORIGINAL: [...] but I really don't want to walk in the frigid rain for fifteen minutes.
CORRECTED: [...] but I really didn't want to walk in the frigid rain for fifteen minutes.

10.
ORIGINAL: "There's only one left the the convenient store opposite, sorry."
CORRECTED: "There was only one left in the convenient store across the road, sorry."

11.
ORIGINAL: [...] revealing a rainbow proudly gleaming.
CORRECTED: [...] revealing a proudly gleaming rainbow.

12.
ORIGINAL: But it was alright. As long as he is with me when it rains, that’s all that matters.
CORRECTED: But it was alright, as long as he was with me when it rained, that was all that mattered.

13.
ORIGINAL: Till
CORRECTED: Untill
NOTES: 'Till is more informal and is mostly used when someone is speaking, but not as much in narration.

14.
ORIGINAL: [...] completely soaked for head to toe again [...]
CORRECTED: [...] completely soaked from head to toe again [...]

15.
ORIGINAL: "Can I get a shower though?"
CORRECTED: "Can I take a shower though?"

16.
ORIGINAL: It's times like these where I would choose to [...]
CORRECTED: It was at times like this when I would choose to [...]

These are just some examples I’ve found while reading, but I would recommend you finding a beta-reader to look through your work thoroughly and check for the small mistakes that you might have missed.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that although you filled in the form and said you’re using British English, I do think you’re using American English in this story, especially with the use of ‘bangs’, ‘realize’, and ‘mom’ - though this isn’t something big to worry about!

 

Structure. 3/5

The structure of your text isn’t too bad, though I think you should consider getting rid of the double line spacings. I’m not sure if that’s your intention but I think it would look a little better if the lines were closer together, rather than spread out widely - though this is probably my own personal preference.

Also, please do start another line for when someone else starts speaking. By doing that, it would be a lot less confusing as it will be clear as to who is say what at what time. There were only a couple of times that you’ve put two people speaking into the same paragraph, so some proofreading would be fine.

 

 

Readers' response. 4/5

The statistics of your story aren’t too bad to be honest! Since your story is marked as completed, it’s not unusual to have less subscribers, but the number of views and upvotes are pretty good!

As for your comments, although there aren’t a large number of them, but they’re all quality ones (which aren’t just the usual ‘please update’ kind of ones). However, I’ve noticed that you’ve only replied to a couple of them. I would strongly recommend you replying to as much as possible, because it really shows your readers that you care about their comments and their thoughts!

 

 

Overall enjoyment. 8/10


I read this story on a day that the weather was that great so I was in the perfect setting and mood for this, and really this did fit in perfectly with the environment around me. Though, I can’t guarantee I’d say the same if I were reading this on a sunny day. Nevertheless, I think you’ve done a really good job in writing this story. The plot is realistic enough for me, with a hint of sadness that tugged my heartstrings. Even though Jungkook isn’t my bias in BTS, I really did like his character, and I do think this story does have the potential to be read by a lot of readers in the future - well done!

 

 

 

Date requested. 22/03/16

Date completed. 25/03/16

Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)

Comments. Thank you for requesting from Heart, Mind & Seoul! I hope the review is up to standards and please do excuse any harsh comments!

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