time
CHARACTERS · Yoongi (Suga), Jungkook
STATUS · Completed
DESCRIPTION· "Somehow, I end up staring into his eyes and seeing a small speck of defeat— like he wanted to stop time and go back to when Bangtan wasn't devastated over Jin's death. Back when we all weren't involved in gangs, drugs, and self-harm. Back before we all didn't go our separate ways. Back when everyone was still happy."
>>STORY LINK<<
story title: 1/5
The title is very simple, with only one word, however I don’t find it captivating or eyecatching. First of all, the word is very common, therefore nothing really stands out to me when I first saw it - it didn’t get my attention as much as it was supposed to and it brought my expectations lower than it would have done if a different title was used. Secondly, I don’t think this title suits the storyline well. Even though I can see where you were coming from with this title, I think “Lighter” would have been a more fitting title, especially since you used the word for the chapter title as well.
description, foreword & tags: 8/10
The description of your story is an extract from your text, which I think it’s a good idea for a short story like this. It doesn’t give too much away and yet it intrigues your reader to reader further. On the other hand, your foreword is your author’s note, which informs your readers where the idea for the story came from and the few references to the music videos. You’ve also introduced your characters a little, which I would encourage for a short story, since introductions usually take up a lot of space and if it was done in the chapter it would have made the text a lot longer.
As for your tags, I think you have the necessary tags included, along with a couple that I think aren’t needed as much, such as ‘run’ and ‘ineedu’, since they don’t matter as much in the tags section.
appearance - graphics: 4/5, display: 5/5
The poster is quite well made, I must say. The theme is quite dark and depressing, which suits the plotline. The clock is shown in relation to the title, as well as both main characters, even though I would say that Jungkook looks a little more happy than the depressed look you were aiming for. The font you used is clear and the readers have no problem in reading the text, which is always great because if you can’t read the text on the poster, then you might as well have no text at all.
The layout of the story is clean and clear. It’s very easy to read your story without having too many fancy things as distractions.
characterisation: 8/10
There are only two characters in your story, which makes the characterisation of them very easy. First of all, Yoongi is someone who blames himself a lot for the happenings in his life as well as the lives of those around him. He blamed himself regardless of what others say and is stubborn in his beliefs. He is a negative and pessimistic person, which make it very difficult for Jungkook to change his mind.
Jungkook is something who desperately wants to help his brother, Yoongi, out from the shadows of his life. Even though he wanted to protect Yoongi in his own way, the latter does not understand and therefore misinterprets his intentions.
Overall, the brothers do care for each other, but it seems like miscommunication have hindered them, a lot. You’ve done well in the span of this very short chapter in describing the two characters, though many readers would already have their own outline of the two in their heads after watching the music videos. Either way, I think you’ve done a good job in writing about these two without much history or background information to use.
plot: 14/20
The plot is very simple, but only if your readers have seen the music videos. If not, they would have had a hard time understanding the storyline. However, based on the assumption that all your readers have seen the videos, either watched them in person or read some kind of summary, the storyline makes sense. It’s interesting how you’ve taken the scene from the video and expanded it in your own way. The story doesn’t stray from the original plot of the video too much, but I would have liked to see more development after the fight, even though that would have made the story longer.
I see that you have added a small part to the end of the story in which Jungkook pulls out a letter from his and Yoongi’s parents. However, I feel that the sudden addition of their parents and why they decided to leave the boys was a not relevant to the story. Because you have added more to the ending, it leaves your reader in a bigger state of confusion than the original ending where Yoongi just walks out and leaves Jungkook alone with his thoughts. I’m not entirely sure why you’ve added that section, but I feel like I prefer the original ending more. However, if you’re planning to make a sequel of some sort, then this would probably serve as a good lead onto the next part.
consistency/flow: 10/10
Since your story is only one short chapter long, I didn’t find any problems with the flow of your story. The string of events happened in a nice flow and nothing was too hard to understand. Well done! ?
grammar, spelling & punctuation: 14/15
Since English is your first language, the expectation was very little to no mistakes in grammar, spelling and punctuation - you have not failed the expectation at all.
However, there is one thing I would like to point out to you:
“Glass, bottles of beer, pieces of paper, and other is strewn about all over the floor” should be: “Glass, bottles of beer, pieces of paper, and other are strewn about all over the floor”, reason being the list of items in the sentence are plurals, therefore ‘are’ should be used instead of ‘is’.
Other than this, I couldn’t find any other mistakes you’ve made in the chapter, well done!
structure: 5/5
You’ve used paragraphs throughout your story correctly!
readers' response: 2/5
Your story is still very new on the site and therefore the numbers of subscribers and comments are expected. I think one reason why your number of subscribers is quite low is because your story is already completed. Give it some time, and I think more subscribers will come your way.
I’ve also noticed the comment of the reader that is confused about what happened to Yoongi. Maybe it’s best to speak to the reader and explain a couple of things (if you’re already planning this, then please ignore this part!) - leaving a confused reader is never the goal of an author, unless you’re planning something to follow up the story.
overall enjoyment: 5/10
Honestly speaking, I was expecting more development between the two characters, but maybe that’s because I’m a huge er for in depth and detailed stories. Nonetheless, I think you’ve done a good job in adding these small details in between the lines of the plot. I’m not too sure if what you’ve written is something you thought was a part of the music videos, or something entirely from your imagination, but I can say this story is quite interesting. I have read quite a few stories previously that sprouts out from the videos (since an awful lot was left to our own imaginations), but I can say your story is an unique one - well done!
total grade: 76/100
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