>> Allegro: Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY douxsoleil
STATUS. Completed
DESCRIPTION. Wonwoo is a guy who no longer believes in anything as the people he cared and treasured left him. And then Seulgi comes, in the form of fluid movements and feline eyes.
Your title is very unique, in my opinion. The wording and format is not often seen on the site and it’s nice to see a title that’s different to others, as it adds more ‘wow’ into your story. The title fits the story perfectly, though as someone with no artistic talent whatsoever, I didn’t understand what ‘allegro’ means until I googled it. After finding out what the word means, I knew it suits the story even more, even though I was assuming that you meant to use the word in terms of ballet, rather than music. Also, the format of your title makes it seem like it’s a part of a series of stories you’re writing - are you planning to write a sequel or is it just me who sees it like this? Either way, I think you’ve done well in coming up with a title that suits the story very well.
Description, foreword & tags. 8/10.
Your description is basically a description of Wonwoo - what he believes, what he likes, etc. There is little known about Seulgi, but I think that’s a good thing because it keeps your readers wanting to read more to find out. However, I did find the description to contain a lot more detail than I thought it to. This could be both a good thing and a bad thing - it can give your readers enough insight into the story to help them decide whether or not they want to read the story, or it can give out too much to your readers that the suspense is lost. For me personally, I would say your description gave out a little too much, because after reading it for the first time, I knew that Seulgi would be the one to change Wonwoo and the way he thinks. Maybe it’s just me being oversensitive, but I do think you’ve given out a little too much about Wonwoo.
Your foreword and tags seem completely fine to me, but you might want to think about marking the second chapter as [M] just in case.
Appearance: graphics. 4/5, display. 4/5
I have to say, your poster is beautiful! I really do like the colour theme (though I would probably like it more if the colours weren’t as bright as it is), and I think the overall feeling of the poster really fits in with the story! Well done to your graphic designer!
The layout of your chapters is very clean and tidy. The colour suits the theme, though I do think the font was a little too small for me to be reading on the screen.
Characterisation. 10/10
Honestly, I think this section is the easiest for me to comment on in this review. You’ve written your characters in so much detail that I can tell you’ve put in a lot of effort into creating them. Your characters, Wonwoo in specific, are very down to earth and realistic - it’s not hard to relate to them because the things that they go through are pretty much the things we go through when we’re at their age. The way you’ve expressed how each of them felt (or how Wonwoo felt about them) is very in depth and each character really did leave a big impression in your readers’ minds no matter how major or minor they are - well done!
Plot. 18/20
As with the characterisation of your characters, I think you’ve put a lot of effort into the plot as well. You have planned the story out very well, following each of Wonwoo’s life events, hence transforming the story into a sort of travel diary of Wonwoo as your readers go through every one of his life’s turning points with him. The events you’ve written about are very mundane and common, things that everyone is bound to experience at one point of their lives. The way you’ve taken us through Wonwoo’s journey really did pull my heartstrings, as there are certain parts that I really did put myself in his shoes and feel his emotions. I would say this story is rather deep and probably a little hard to get into at first, but once you’re reading it you find yourself drawn into the storyline. Overall, I think it’s the realism and genuinity of the plot that really did give your story a push.
Consistency/flow. 6/10
About the flow of your story, I find it rather hard to keep up with everything, especially since you tend to skip back and forth between memories a lot. I often got lost and ended up having to read previous paragraphs to know where exactly I am in the plot and which time frame I am in. Although you’ve probably planned your chapters out like this, but I personally would have preferred to have the memories in chronological order.
In the first chapter when you wrote about Wonwoo and Soojung’s talk in the park, you mentioned that Wonwoo never talked to her again, therefore it would make more sense if you wrote his memories of her and Mingyu before that, since the stop between him and Soojung would be an appropriate start of the next event in his life, rather than bringing back more memories. I do see why you’ve written it in the current way, since Wonwoo was probably thinking about Soojung and Mingyu afterwards, but I did get confused as to why Soojung kept on coming up despite Wonwoo moving on.
Also, long paragraphs and chapters tend to be vulnerable to repetition, and unfortunately, within the same chapter you have repeated some details more than once. This makes the chapter even longer and to the readers it would feel like you’ve dragged on for too long.
Lastly, there was a little bit of an issue when there was a sudden switch in points of view in the second section of the second chapter beginning with ‘Amidst Wonwoo’s feet that dashes in his…’ - please do have this fixed to avoid confusion.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 9/15
As English is not your first language, I think to have written at your level is an easy thing, so please do let me congratulate you on that. However, there were some things I did pick up on whilst reading your story.
Firstly, I found that you tend to use commas a lot. Although it’s good that you’re trying to link up sentences make them more complex, but overusing commas does give you the opposite effect. Not only you are making the sentence more complex, but it makes your writing more vulnerable to mistakes in terms of wording and sentence structuring. I would suggest going over the longer sentences and make sure you’ve used commas in the right places appropriately. Secondly, linking to my previous point, I’ve noticed that there are a lot of sentence fragments that you’ve written as full sentences where in fact, they do not make sense by themselves. Do take a look over them. I would recommend reading the sentences aloud to see if they make sense or flow properly.
Thirdly, I think your use of prepositions (i.e. on, in, at, etc.) need a lot of work - I have provided some examples in this review to help you see where you’re confused as to which preposition you need to use.
As for your tenses, I don’t think there are any major problems with them, but I think there are parts in which you’re confused as to what tense to use. In chapter 2 onwards, there are sections where you talk about the present in the present tense, but Wonwoo’s narrations are in the past tense. Are you talking about what is happening now or are you telling the story through Wonwoo’s memories? If you are talking about what is happening now and what Wonwoo is feeling now, then Wonwoo’s thoughts will need to be in the present tense. However, if you are telling the story through Wonwoo’s memories, then what is happening now (i.e. the actions, feelings, thoughts) will need to be in the past tense as Wonwoo is remembering what had happened before. I hope this part is not too confusing, but if there are anything you’re unsure of please do contact me!
Here are the examples that I’ve found in your writing that need working on:
Description
1.
ORIGINAL: Wonwoo is not a promise for a better tomorrow […]
CORRECTED: Wonwoo does not promise for a better tomorrow […]
Chapter 1
1.
ORIGINAL: Love cure the loveless from their sickness […]
CORRECTED: Love cures the loveless from their sickness […]
2.
ORIGINAL: There is also a promise that they silently recited on their hearts […]
CORRECTED: There is also a promise that they silently recited in their hearts […]
3.
ORIGINAL: Therefore, there were never any arguments that leads them to the topic of a divorce.
CORRECTED: Therefore, there were never any arguments that lead them to the topic of a divorce.
4.
ORIGINAL: In the fourteenth of February, 1993 […]
CORRECTED: On the fourteenth of February, 1993 […]
5.
ORIGINAL: Lots of people have believed on the idea that […]
CORRECTED: Lots of people have believed the idea that […]
6.
ORIGINAL: […] was the presence of my aborted younger sister who was diagnosed with Down Syndrome, when she was 4 months old in my mother’s womb.
CORRECTED (1): […] was the presence of my aborted younger sister, who was diagnosed with Down Syndrome when she was 4 months old in my mother’s womb.
CORRECTED (2): […] was the presence of my aborted younger sister who was diagnosed with Down Syndrome when she was 4 months old in my mother’s womb.
7.
ORIGINAL: In the age of fifteen […]
CORRECTED: At the age of fifteen […]
8.
ORIGINAL: […] I learnt of the existence of opposite gender […]
CORRECTED: […] I learnt of the existence of the opposite gender […]
9.
ORIGINAL: Mingyu was straight-forward of his feelings.
CORRECTED: Mingyu was straight-forward with his feelings.
10.
ORIGINAL: […] with tears streaming down her face as I sat down beneath the tree near our school on three PM.
CORRECTED: […] with tears streaming down her face as I sat down beneath the tree near our school at three PM.
11.
ORIGINAL: By that time, I have realized how private the relationship between the two of them and it seemed […]
CORRECTED: By that time, I have realized how private the relationship between the two of them was and it seemed […]
12.
ORIGINAL: Seungcheol had been the one who said it as he slung his arm around my shoulders as he did a fist bump with me and he, Junghan and Soonyoung grinned comically.
CORRECTED: Seungcheol had been the one who said it as he slung his arm around my shoulders as he did a fist bump with me as he, Junghan and Soonyoung grinned comically.
13.
ORIGINAL: The park near our school was deserted at seven on the evening.
CORRECTED: The park near our school was deserted at seven in the evening.
14.
ORIGINAL: […] I wouldn’t have thought there would be so much stories hidden behind that.
CORRECTED: […] I wouldn’t have thought there would be so many stories hidden behind that.
Chapter 2
1.
ORIGINAL: […] as the one I am meeting right now are Junghan and Soonyoung […]
CORRECTED: […] as the ones I am meeting right now are Junghan and Soonyoung […]
2.
ORIGINAL: I need to stop referring the people that are in front of me, to the ones I have left in the past.
CORRECTED: I need to stop referring the people that are in front of me to the ones I have left in the past.
3.
ORIGINAL: But it felt different.
CORRECTED: But it feels different.
4.
ORIGINAL: I explained, smiling in the process […]
CORRECTED: I explain, smiling in the process […]
5.
ORIGINAL: […] through arguments for the right subject we would like to make-between objects, humans, animals or even s to Greek Mythology’s gods and goddesses (we ended up picking humans as I wanted to draw objects while Sehun wanted to draw animals)-we friended each other pretty quickly.
CORRECTED: […] through arguments for the right subject we would like to make – between objects, humans, animals or even s to Greek Mythology gods and goddesses (we ended up picking humans as I wanted to draw objects while Sehun wanted to draw animals) – we befriended each other pretty quickly.
6.
ORIGINAL: Their fingers would latch into my arms, gripping over them tightly.
CORRECTED: Their fingers would latch onto my arms, gripping over them tightly.
Chapter 3
1.
ORIGINAL: I stepped on the age of adulthood last December […]
CORRECTED: I stepped into adulthood last December […]
2.
ORIGINAL: Her emotions are overflowing with determination, with longing, pain, and every feelings that words can’t describe.
CORRECTED: Her emotions are overflowing with determination, with longing, pain, and every feeling that words can’t describe.
3.
ORIGINAL: Her ears just seems so pointy to me.
CORRECTED: Her ears just seem so pointy to me.
4.
ORIGINAL: […] when I felt someone sat beside me.
CORRECTED: […] when I felt someone sit beside me.
5.
ORIGINAL: There was an undeniable warmth that flourished beneath me, then spreaded through my body.
CORRECTED: There was undeniable warmth that flourished within me, then spread through my body.
6.
ORIGINAL: […] I collected all that was brave and manly out of me to ask Seulgi’s number […]
CORRECTED: […] I collected all my bravery and manliness to ask Seulgi’s number […]
7.
ORIGINAL: […] but I’m glad of whatever these feelings are.
CORRECTED: […] but I’m glad about whatever these feelings are.
8.
ORIGINAL: I caught dissapointment in her eyes whenever Mrs.Han uttered words of her flaws […]
CORRECTED: I caught disappointment in her eyes whenever Mrs. Han uttered words about her flaws […]
9.
ORIGINAL: […] it’s just difficult to be broken into words-these memories of mind.
CORRECTED: […] it’s just difficult to be broken into words – these memories of mine.
Chapter 4
1.
ORIGINAL: […] I kind off don’t want to see my older brother […]
CORRECTED: […] I kind of don’t want to see my older brother […]
2.
ORIGINAL: […] when Seulgi and I was in the place we could call our sanctuary, despite the grounds made of rock and sand […]
CORRECTED: […] when Seulgi and I were in the place we could call our sanctuary, despite the ground being made of rock and sand […]
3
ORIGINAL: The coffee in her cup was emptied […]
CORRECTED: The coffee in her cup was finished […]
4.
ORIGINAL: Junghan and Soonyoung hasn’t come back.
CORRECTED: Junghan and Soonyoung haven’t come back.
Chapter 5
1.
ORIGINAL: Amongst sunny days […]
CORRECTED: On sunny days […]
2.
ORIGINAL: “Thank you, Sehun. And I’m sorry that you can’t get an A+ because of me,”
CORRECTED: “Thank you, Sehun. And I’m sorry that you can’t get an A+ because of me.”
3.
ORIGINAL: Once you are a thieve, you will always be one.
CORRECTED: Once you are a thief, you will always be one.
4.
ORIGINAL: […] who made attempts to struggle out from me as I sat on top of him and landed punches to his face.
CORRECTED: […] who made attempts to struggle out from under me as I sat on top of him and landed punches on his face.
5.
ORIGINAL: […] I had made a rash decision of no thinking clear […]
CORRECTED: […] I had made a rash decision of no thinking clearly […]
6.
ORIGINAL: His raven skin gleamed, in the shade of golden below the sunrays filtered by the leaves in fresh green colours.
CORRECTED: His tanned skin gleamed, in the shade of gold below the sun rays filtered by the leaves in fresh green colours.
NOTE: ‘raven’ in terms of colour is a glossy black, so you shouldn’t use that to describe a skin tone.
7.
ORIGINAL: It was an enough calmness that settled between the three of us […]
8.
ORIGINAL: I have offered Seulgi so much things […]
CORRECTED: I have offered Seulgi so many things […]
9.
ORIGINAL: I took all in it of me to remind him what he did to you was wrong […]
CORRECTED: I took everything in me to remind him what he did to you was wrong […]
10.
ORIGINAL: He’s hot but too bad that he’s black […]
CORRECTED: He’s hot but too bad that his skin is tanned […]
NOTE: I really don’t recommend you using the word ‘black’ in the cases of describing skin tones. It can be very offensive to people and although I’m aware that you’re using it as something that someone else has said in this case, but I would really recommend you rephrasing it, as what you’ve written can be counted as racist and offensive.
11.
ORIGINAL: […] I felt like sleeping into a dream where I would wake up to a world that wasn’t as painful as this one.
CORRECTED: […] I felt like slipping into a dream where I would wake up to a world that wasn’t as painful as this one
12.
ORIGINAL: […] and I take a breathe of fresh air without carbon dyoxide staining the air as fewer cars go on buzzing through the streets.
CORRECTED: […] and I take a breath of fresh air with less carbon dioxide staining the air as fewer cars go on buzzing through the streets.
13.
ORIGINAL: hearband
CORRECTED: hairband
14.
ORIGINAL: […] then Jongin and Sehun told me that it’s all lies.
CORRECTED: […] then Jongin and Sehun told me that they’re all lies.
Chapter 6
1.
ORIGINAL: […] I always keep myself in guard […]
CORRECTED: […] I always keep myself on guard […]
2.
ORIGINAL: […] I can see that I resemble him by bit.
CORRECTED: […] I can see that I resemble him a bit.
Chapter 7
1.
ORIGINAL: […] I felt disappointed by my own bestfriend.
CORRECTED: […] I felt disappointed in my own best friend.
Structure. 4/5
In terms of structuring, there aren’t many major problems, but there are times when you’ve started a new paragraph when it’s not necessary to.
Readers' response. 5/5
Your statistics seem very good to me! The number of subscribers are moderate and I am most pleased with the comments coming from your readers! They’re giving you detailed comments and feedback for the story and I can see that you’re replying to all of them!
As you have set your story on ‘subscribers only’, here’s a question for you: why shut out the readers that may not want to subscribe for various reasons? What about the readers who don’t have an account? Please note that this is just a thought, nothing serious, and will certainly not affect your score.
Overall enjoyment. 7/10
I really did enjoy reading this story, not only as a reviewer, but on a personal level as well. There are a lot of things that I can relate to in the story, which really did make this a special one. However, I did find the chapters to be too long and I often felt that at times, you have dragged out the story for a little too much. For me personally, although I do like detailed writing, long chapters are my weak point - it makes me lose concentration and I often get lost in the words and zone out completely. Nonetheless, this story is definitely a good read - something that tells you that everyone has problems and that you’re most likely not alone. The moral in this story is definitely a plus point!
Date completed. 19/04/16
Reviewer. Mandy (Saki1017)
Comments. First of all, I am so terribly sorry for the very long wait! I don’t know what else I can say other than sorry! It’s been a mess for me lately and I am so sorry to have you wait this long! Also, I hope I wasn’t too harsh in the review - any problems don’t hesitate to contact me!
Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owner or the reviewer via PM.
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