>> Redemption
Heart, Mind & Seoul Reviews Archive
BY shineeinfinite
STATUS. Completed
DESCRIPTION.
Seunghyun was a great secret agent. Coming from a broken family and having a dark past with him shaped him to grow into a tough and hard man. He always thought that love is a destroyer until he met her -Hwang Aerin. She brought up the light that once left him and made him feel what love is. He quitted his job only to live a fairytale with her. However, just when he thought eveyrhting was going very smooth, just when he thought that he had a chance for living happily ever after, Aerin was kidnapped by his former enemy. In just 48 hours, he had to come and save her. If he failed, he would lose her. Everyone that he loved had left him, his family had gone. He didn't want her to go leaving him again, like his family. He couldn't afford another lose. It would either be his redemption or her redemption.
I do like the sound of the title. It’s short but straight to the point and does suit the storyline perfectly. Is it unique? Well it is in its own way. The title speaks for himself and does trigger the curiosity of many readers.
Description, foreword & tags. 8/10.
DESCRIPTION
To use a quote from one of the characters or some famous person in your description is a very strategic way to get the attention of people. For the readers, it may sound cliché but that one sentence is the complete summary of the story. It’s true it doesn’t give too much away, but maybe it has to be like this. This phrase can have so many different meanings and is used a lot therefore rather cliché but still.. it does speak the truth.
FOREWORD
We do get a sufficient amount of practical information in the foreword. There we get to meet the characters properly. It’s a good foreword as introduction to the story.
TAGS
The tags that have been used are very suitable to the story. In my opinion, those will get you a lot of hits. Big Bang stories are still very popular. So on that note, well done.
Appearance: graphics. 2/5, display. 4/5
APPEARANCE – GRAPHICS
Personally, the poster doesn’t really suit the story. It nice with the moving element in it but after reading your story you could so much more with it. The poster itself is nicely done but not for your story.
DISPLAY
The background has been kept a plain white, which is great. For us readers, a plain background is much more pleasant to read a story. The font used has a good size and is easy to read. Well done!
Characterisation. 7/10
There are a few characters that play an important role in your story. Most of them stay in character and are rather consistent, others undergo some minor changes in their behavior.
Choi Seunghyun (TOP)
He’s one of the main characters, and does have the most important role in the story. We get to know him as this hard working guy who doesn’t stray from his future path ahead. He’s someone who’s not easily intimidated or changed. A lot needs to happen before he will let someone in. There’s only one person in the whole world, who can easily “break” through his barrier. His all-time best friend and partner in crime (literally) is the only who got through his barrier and in whom he confides.
Kwon Jiyoung (also known as GD)
All-time best friend and partner in crime of Seunghyun and his confident as well. He’s very easily to read. He has this bubbly personality and is very open to everyone. He makes sure that Seunghyun doesn’t go into a black hole and stands by him to give him advice in time of need. GD pushes TOP to go for it when needed but also be the shoulder to cry on.
Hwang Aerin
A large part of the story revolves around her and Seunghyun. She majored in Psychology and was able to get through him on the first meeting and on first glance. As from that moment a lot of things are happening in the story. Therefor you can notice some small changes in the characterization of Seunghyun. Aerin is described rather mysteriously as it seems she hasn’t been developed to the fullest.
A lot of side characters are present at well. Overall, we do get an imagine of the characters but I feel there is still something missing. I know it’s not easy to develop all characters to the fullest, but this is a complete story. Well done!
Plot. 13/20
The plot itself is just fine. It’s a plot that can be used for so many stories and has been spread around AFF. But it’s every time up to the author to make something out of it. You did a fine job. Is it realistic, yes this can be one of the many scenes that can happen in live. Personally, I wasn’t blown away by it.
Consistency/flow. 6/10
Your story goes very slow in the beginning and it feels like nothing is going to change soon. But after chapter one everything takes a turn and goes rather fast. It isn’t allows that easy to follow. We get so many details in some of the chapters, which may be confusing and distracting us from the story itself. We can easily get lost in translation and all the details given. But overall, you did your best to present us a complete story with a generally comprehensive storyline.
Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 10/15
I know that English is not your first language, and you did try your best avoid as many mistakes as possible but still there a some lingering on.. I will just give you some pointers and also would also advise you to take on a beta-reader. Not because it is terrible, this is only to improve the quality of your story.
FOREWORD
ORIGINAL: He always thought that love is a destroyer until he met her -Hwang Aerin
CORRECTED: He always thought that love was a destroyer..
ORIGINAL: He quitted his job only to live a fairy tale with her.
CORRECTED: He quit his job
ORIGINAL: eveyrthing was going very smooth
CORRECTED: everything was going smoothly
ORIGINAL: he had to come and save her
CORRECTED: He had to go and save her
ORIGINAL: Everyone that he loved had left him, his family had gone
CORRECTED: Everyone that he loved has left him, his family was gone
ORIGINAL: He didn't want her to go leaving him again, like his family.
CORRECTED: He didn’t want her to go and leave him again, …
ORIGINAL: He couldn't afford another lose.
CORRECTED: He couldn’t afford another loss.
CHAPTER 1
ORIGINAL: Born from a broken family made him grew into a tough, independent, and stubborn man.
CORRECTED: .. made him become a / made him into a …
ORIGINAL: He was the second youngest at there, after Jiyoung that was happened to be his partner in the agency as well.
CORRECTED: … who happened to be his…
ORIGINAL: He knew Seunghyun the most
CORRECTED: He knew Seunghyun the best,..
ORIGINAL: … his door flung opened and he didn’t need to look up to know who the person was.
CORRECTED: his door flung open again/flew open
ORIGINAL: “We’re going to be late to the meeting!” Seunghyun showed him his watch.
CORRECTED: “We’re going to be late for the meeting!” …
ORIGINAL: … they had led numerous missions and succeeded in each of them …
CORRECTED: … they have led …
ORIGINAL: I believe that agents with outstanding performance are allowed to get promotion.
CORRECTED: … outstanding performances.. (2x)
CHAPTER 2
ORIGINAL: To be honest, he was actually needing a bit relaxation because the works were overloading his mind.
CORRECTED: He needed some downtime, because work was overloading his mind (this stays a weird sentence, though.. Maybe check if you can find another rephrasing for it)
ORIGINAL: … All in your mind is those files and I can’t believe I survive with you all this year! ..
CORRECTED: … All that’s on your mind right now are those files.. /The only thing that’s on your mind right now are those files..
ORIGINAL: It was like Jiyoung just being struck by a thunder.
CORRECTED: It was like Jiyoung was struck by lightning.
ORIGINAL: I guess it would be a nice idea to forget about all this s even for only a night.
CORRECTED: I guess it would be a nice idea to forget about all this even for only a night.
ORIGINAL: “What the hell you are talking about?” He asked as he didn't get what Jiyoung was talking about.
CORRECTED: “What the hell are you talking about?” / What the hell did you just say?
ORIGINAL: He understood completely that this was a very hard to believed news
CORRECTED: He understood completely that this was very hard to believe the news.
ORIGINAL: I know that this is so hard to believed,
CORRECTED: I know that this is so hard to believe..
ORIGINAL: “I have never had this fun before!”
CORRECTED: “I have never had this much fun before!”
ORIGINAL: “Then I’m glad you now have it!”
CORRECTED: “Then I’m glad you have it now!”
ORIGINAL: … Aerin had to leave for home
CORRECTED: … Aerin had to leave. / had to go home
CHAPTER 3
ORIGINAL: Jiyoung was aware on the conflict that was going inside his friend’s hard and as a good friend,…
CORRECTED: Jiyoung was aware on the conflict that was going inside his friend’s heart and as a good friend, …
ORIGINAL: “You are aware that you are against the rule right?”
CORRECTED: “You are aware that it’s against the rules?”
Structure. 5/5
Paragraphs are essential in a story and you are using them. This makes the story much more convenient to follow.
Readers' response. 3/5
These are your stats:
14 upvotes
91 subs
2234 views
45 comments.
From the look of your stats, your story is slowly gaining popularity. Although you still need some fixing up to do. That will even improve the quality and the popularity. Even though, you do have quite some views already not all of them did subscribe to your story. This could mean that most of them took a quick look and maybe were silent readers or just left again. The comments are very supportive which is good, like that you have a way to continue and not give up on your story. I would say for a rather recent story, it a nice beginning. Keep up the good work!
Overall enjoyment. 6/10
The level of enjoyment the reviewer had from reading your story. To be honest, angsty stories aren’t really my cup of tea. I do like them but rather avoid them. I like slightly angst stories. This was a rather heavy story and something very long in detail. Overall, again it’s not a bad story. Just fix those little hiccups and it will be even more fun to read your story. Personally, I did have some issues with all the mistakes that were made. And that did prevent me from reading it in one go. But you did a nice job so far and don’t give up!
Date completed. 05/04/16
Reviewer. Steph (StephLovesKCulture)
Comments. I’m sorry if this is a very harsh review, I’m just being honest and helping you out to improve the quality of your story. *Mian* for the long wait. Thanks for request at HMS!
Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owener or the reviewer via PM.
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