DarkJustice : Enchanted Melody

Characters. Kwon Jiyong and Kim Taeyeon

Status. Ongoing

Description. Jiyong never liked the fact that his girlfriend worked for the person that was known for his corrupt actions. But, he couldn’t stop her from working - why? Because, Kim Taeyeon was the one who earned the money they both survived on.
 

STORY LINK

Story title. 2/5
The title of your story is very melodious! As in, it really rolls of the tongue quite nicely. Just from the title, I’m unable to guess what your story is about, so as I continue reading, perhaps I’ll figure out the meaning!

Alright, I’m back to comment on this after reading. Um…. I still have no idea why this story is called this. I’m unable to see what relationship it has at all, besides the fact that Taeyeon proved she’s a good singer. Sadly, I’ll have to deduct marks because of this point. There just isn’t relevance.


Description, foreword & tags. 9/10
Your description is quite catchy! I think similar to how I had reviewed one of your other stories in the past, this section of your story is well done. I especially like the quote that you have included in this time. It’s interesting and I can’t wait to see how it relates to your piece. I also do not find anything wrong with the tags as it tells readers specifically which pairings they can be looking forward to and what genre you are writing for. I only have an issue with the grammar here.

Ex. Kwon Jiyong never liked the fact that his girlfriend worked for a person that was known for his corrupt actions. But, he couldn’t stop her from working. Why? Because Kim Taeyeon was the one who earned the money they both survived on.

I think it’s a little strange that you’ve decided to include the full name of one character while not doing so with the other. Obviously, this is up to you, but either you don’t include their surname or you include it for both.


Appearance: graphics. 4/5, layout. 5/5
I love the colours that have been used for this poster! Also, the hair colours contrasted between Taeyeon and Jiyong are so pretty. I think I’m a little biased because I love this Tiffany Blue too much (my room is painted this colour haha). Unfortunately, I wasn’t a fan of the long quote on the poster. I feel perhaps you should have picked only the main part (ex. iSo trust me when I say you’re the only one for me.) Again, as I have yet to read, from a first glance I can say that this poster suits the theme you’re going for quite well.

As for the layout, I don’t particularly have a problem with it either! It’s very neat and tidy, which makes it easy on the eyes while reading.


Characterisation. 7/10
Taeyeon: I can immediately tell she’s the one who’s dominant in this relationship. Throughout the story thus far, she is portrayed with quite a strong personality. I especially love the little parts later when you start writing from her perspective. That newest chapter where she stands up for him really illustrates her strong but loving personality. Taking this time, I’m also going to point out that her personality is quite similar to what is found in your previous story. Just a small observation of mine.

Jiyong: He clearly loves his wife and wants to do everything for her. Honestly, I would feel the same anger towards Taeyeon if as a husband, I found out she was working under her maiden name at the same company. I feel that this behaviour is very much justified.

As for both characters, I would have never thought that they would be portrayed like so. So there’s a bit of a problem for me as to how “believable” their characters are. I have to leave this note here. I am genuinely confused at the relationship between Tiffany and Seunghyun. That entire scene where she receives texts from Nichkhun… I have no idea what’s going on. I will suggest you to perhaps reread that part and clarify exactly who plays what role.


Plot. 13/20
While this is the first time I’ve read something like this (I have watched shows that have had this plotline, however), this plot is a little clichéd for me.. The fact that Taeyeon has become the new secretary did not come as a surprise to me. I don’t know… I kinda just felt it coming. Nevertheless, I can definitely see the drama that will ensue as the story progresses further. As for if it is realistic… Personally, I would never work in the same company as my husband. There are too many problems. But what can I say? Taeyeon is her own woman and she makes her own decisions. This is your character!


Consistency/flow. 9/10
The pace of the story is quite alright to me! Your chapters are pretty short, but they have covered enough such that I can follow it through without feeling bored. I do have a small issue at how fast the situation has escalated, especially in the last two chapters. I wouldn’t have expected Jiyong to suddenly fly off the handle quite like that.


Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 10/15
Ah! Here I am going to be quite strict. Straight off the bat, I’ve noticed your use of the hyphen once again. I touched upon this in the previous review I’ve completed for you so I won’t go in depth into it once again!

There were a couple of instances where you’ve mistyped a word. Ex. Instead of typing but you’ve typed buy. I also noticed other small mistakes such as forgetting to space out your words. These are extremely minimal, so I won’t be taking marks off for it – I only wanted you to know that they’re there!

You’ve also got a couple of instances where you’re using the wrong preposition. Ex. “I already applied to some places.” (Ch 1). Another common mistake I see you make is using the wrong word. Wow… That’s insanely ambiguous haha. Ex. “How come you’re always fishing for complements?” – this right here is the word meaning to “complement/complete/enhance” something. What you’re actually looking for here is the word compliment which is the verb to “praise/express admiration for someone.” A final part here, there are also misspelled words here and there.

I randomly noticed this in the first chapter, but you say that Jiyong has returned home to his wife and then in the sentence after, you call Taeyeon his girlfriend. Coming back to this because it actually happens again in succeeding chapters.

It does bother me at the way you spell Lee Tuek though. As to my knowledge, it is usually spelt Leeteuk.

As you can see, there are only a few mistakes that are peppered here and there. Nothing that cannot be fixed by a quick read over or having a beta! Unfortunately, while these mistakes are minor, they do accumulate and so I have had to take marks off.


Structure. 2/5
While you are using paragraphs in your story, I feel that they’re not used quite correctly. Usually, when characters are speaking, you want to put a new paragraph at each instance. What do I mean by this?

Ex. (Ch 1) “But w-why, Baby? … - ” Jiyong halted, taking a deep breath. [enter] “I know. I know, Baby. But listen to me very clearly,” Taeyeon tried to sound convincing.

By separating it into new paragraphs, readers are able to better understand and differentiate exactly who is speaking. If other words such as the character’s emotions or thoughts are placed afterwards, you can keep them in the same paragraph and once again, the person who is reader can tell that these emotions/thoughts are those of the character (who is speaking). Because you have not done so, there are moments when I’m confused as to who is speaking, especially when you don’t explicitly say “said ____”.


Readers' response. 3/5
You have a substantial amount of subscribers and views! Congratulations! A lot of people also seem to be enjoying your story based on the comments you’ve received. To me, there are always going to be silent readers (technically I am one too haha. But I guess it’s compensated because I’m writing a review?) so I don’t judge anything based on the number of comments. You don’t reply to their comments, which… is completely your decision. I will not penalize you for this. Honestly, each time I get to this portion of the review I don’t really know what to write. But you’re definitely doing something good as a lot of people are stopping by your story!


Overall enjoyment. 8/10
While this score is lower than what I’ve given you previously, I did substantially enjoy this story much more than the other story I had reviewed for you. This one has a little bit more substance and I can tell that there’s a lot of potential with the drama you’ve thrown in already! As with any piece that is longer, there are bound to be more things to nitpick at and this is where you’ve lost a bit of your marks. On a more personal level, this is not a story I would’ve clicked because reading snsdbigbang fics are not my thing. Nonetheless, I am feeling very privileged to create this review for you! I hope you find it constructive and best of luck to you as you continue to write!
 

total grade : 72/100

Notes