BREATHLESS
BY Zutrazelle

Story title. 5/5

One word titles are always captivating, because when reading the chosen word, in most cases it summons up certain feelings and emotions. I do like that the storyline and plot can go a completely different as first imagined or expected when reading the title. It may not be as unique as intended but it's still original.

Breathless is a word that can be used in many contexts. I was expecting a typical love story, but you did caught me off guard. Well done!

 

 

Description, foreword & tags. 8/10.

DESCRIPTION
Your description is very intense and is a good way to start your story. It's short, sharp and on point. You did good by leaving out all unnecessary details that would ruin this description and take the attention away of the main story content.

When reading your description, it already gives us different vibes which is good. It mainly gave me angsty, mystery and a bite romantic vibes. These are exactly the feelings you want your readers to experience when reading your story.

FOREWORD
I love the quote you used in your foreword. As we are not that far in the story yet, it doesn't have any relevant meaning yet. But I'm sure that will change when the story continues . You give us the chance to get a brief meeting with the two main characters of your story. Onwards, you give out credit to all review, advertising and graphic shops that are in some way related to your story for their services. I would however rearrange that a bit. Because it's seems a bit chaotic right now. I would go for a bit smaller banners. But again that's just my personal opinion.

I like how the new trends is to put pieces of the given reviews in the foreword.

I'm very excited about the other stories as well that you wrote about the Astro-boys (which are advertised at the bottom of the foreword!) It looks all very promising.

TAGS
You used all tags that are relevant to your story, I wouldn't change any of them.

 

 

Appearance: graphics. 5/5, display. 5/5

GRAPHICS
I'm very fond of your poster. It turned out to be a very light poster but still if you look closer the vibes coming of the poster are very different. From the look of it, it seems about a typical love story but actually it's far from a cliché love story. The color scheme and pictures and mood is well chosen. Kudos to your graphic designer!

DISPLAY
I like the subtle touch of your background. It's very soft to the eyes and doesn't disturb when reading your story. You do can get lost in your background but it very suiting for your story!

 

 

Characterisation. 7/10

The characters in your story are not that developed yet, as we are only in the beginning of your story. I do feel that you are willing to take care a lot about the characterisation in your story. Once, you have that under control, your story will be so much more vivid. We already get a little bit of inside of both characters, but it still very vague. I don't mean this as offensive, but only as a good criticism. I believe that you have a lot to offer and I'm very anticipating to what you will bring us next.

As for now, I would say that their behaviour is rather consistent and the reason to be a major change is not there yet.

You already gave the perfect description of Jung Chae Rim in your description.

I quote: " Jung Chae Rim is a golden girl with a hidden secret. She puts on a facade and gives off bright smiles and a happy vibe. But behind that smile is a jaded girl who is obsessed with hurting herself."

As for Moon Bin, we can't say that much. He already got described as a great charmer and very popular in his neighbourhood. I'm curious about the mysteries involves both characters.

 

 

Plot. 16/20

The chosen theme is realistic and can happen everywhere. Although, again the story hasn't reached his full potential yet, it has a promising beginning. Because I was afraid when discovering new stories of new groups like Astro or other groups, the writing wouldn't be that great or be about something that has been handled or written over and over again on AFF. But you surprised me! You did your best to create a story that's worth reading. It's interesting, but maybe not so unique, but still you are trying to convey your ideas to the fullest in your story. You put a lot of effort in it! Don't give up and definitely keep going straight on your path and not straying away, like that your plot will be clear and good.

 

 

Consistency/flow. 8/10

As for now, the story is still growing slowly. It has a nice pace and quite easy to follow and not to complicated. I do hope that you will not make the mistake of taking it to slow with adding a lot of unnecessary details, otherwise your potentially good story will turn out rather boring.

 

 

Grammar, spelling & punctuation. 12/15

Checking out the chapters published yet, I couldn't find any major mistakes. But you're confusing me a bit with the tenses used and the timestamp in which you write your story. It seems that you want to write in the past but still using present tense for everything. Some parts of the story are better written in the past. It makes more sense. It seems that something is off.. I also stumbled upon one or two typos, but that's it.

I'm a big fan and great supporter of fancy and meaningful words and I was so happy when I read those in your story. It gives it that more potential and also says a lot about the level of your writing skills. Therefor, your story stands out as well and gets the thumbs up from me!

Don't give up! You are doing great! Just maybe check in which time you want to continue.

 

 

Structure. 5/5

Paragraphs are essential in a story and luckily you are using them. For this kind of stories, this is of great importance!

 

 

Readers' response. 3/5

These are your stats
Upvotes 4
Subs 88
Views 1226
Comments 6

As this is a rather new and recent story, you are slowly growing onto us. It's a fact that you have still a long way to go but don't worry you will get there! Keep on going as you are right now. You did your best to reply to each and everyone of your readers who commented on your story.

 

 

Overall enjoyment. 8/10


Well, what can I say.. I was pleasantly surprised by your story and most off all your level of writing. I'm so happy it's not one of those stories from one author who thinks they can write and will deliver a great story. I think it's clear that I'm very fond of your story and to be honest Astro is growing on me. So to be completely honest, I didn't know all the members yet, but I will certainly learn them quickly so I can start reading your other stories as well. It's definitely on my "Want to read list" I'm already rooting for you and hoping for new chapters to come soon! You made me curious about what's happening next! Go on! FIGHTING!

 

 

 

Date requested. 22/04/16

Date completed. 26/05/2016

Reviewer. StephLovesKCulture (Steph)

Comments. First of all, I would like to offer my sincere apologies for the super long wait due to personal circumstances and illness. In the end I managed to finish your review. I do hope it was worth waiting. Again, I'm so sorry. This is not at all my habit to keep someone waiting this long. I do hope that you will come back in the future to request again. It was a delight to read your story!

Reminder. Please remember to comment when you have picked up. Please also credit the shop AS WELL AS the reviewer. If there are any problems, please contact the owner or the reviewer via PM.
 

Heart, Mind & Seoul layout credit