It felt so different when my body clock slowly adapts the time to wake up following to Taengoo's daily schedule, even when she already left from the house for more than a week. It's nearly to 7am when my eyes found the wall clock inside of my room. Since my working time always starts at 9am, so I have a gap of two hours to kill every day when I woke up at a time like this. Mostly, I begin my day to spend it with Yoga or doing a little exercise. And I'm still taking the healthy detox drink that she taught me how to make before. My meal plan hasn't changed much, actually. I think I'm still eating a lot of fruits and veggies, even if I already start to eat meat again.

 

I remembered usually at a time like this she has been fully prepared to play the noisy electric guitar that I hate. I know it because I have checked and saved all the CCTV data from the first day she stepped her foot into my house. I've seen them all over again after she left me. Truthfully, it stirs a lot of emotion while I see them repeatedly. At one point, I stop from seeing it because I realized that I have memorized them all in my brain cells.

 

I moved to wash my face and brush my teeth. Shortly, I went out of my room to check the reading zone where the noise always could be heard every morning. I could still see her there… a plain vision of her playing the guitar with her beautiful smile was playing on her face. That's her simple way of trying to greet me before she could talk with me. I remembered, I always gave her a death glare when she did that. I hate her smile when she makes a noise like that. No matter how I have gone mad at her, she's still acting cool and can treat me nicely as if the word stupid or fool that I have given her has no meaning at all. You had no idea how her smile at that time have brightened my day right now.

 

You know what scares me?

 

To know that I'm in deep trouble when I smile along to some memory from the past and it happened to be with that little devil.

 

I wish we could still be a friend like what she suggested to me at the pool when I tried to save her from her fake trying to be drowning. Somehow, I have ruined everything. That night I’ve made a drastic and unwise decision.

 

 

 

“Jessica-ssi, you don’t have to do this.” She expressed quietly, chasing me to get inside the house with our wet clothes that felt so heavy same like my heart. I thought she will like my decision. I didn’t know it will kill her smile right away after she heard my announcement only a moment after she made me believe that I wasn't that cruel. “I can leave tomorrow. It’s not necessary to ask me to leave right now.” Her voice was very soft like she tried to plead me.

 

“What is the point waiting for tomorrow, Taengoo? You’re still going to leave me anyway! Better do it now when I can let you go than do it tomorrow. I might not want to let you go if we wait until tomorrow.”

 

I stopped walking when she ran to block my way, obviously wanting me to see her face. I did very quickly before I see her wet hair just to avoid if she’s going to cheat by using her eyes to charm or plead me some more. I knew I can't win if she tried to use her eyes that seem has a power to control me.

 

“But---“

 

“No more but, Taengoo! You may leave once you are done packing. I don’t want to discuss anything with you anymore. I want to finish this course in a nice way with you. I might not like it if you go tomorrow.”

 

I noticed that her eyes never blink once or leave me through my unclear vision. She got a look like she was so sad, and I was determined to make her leave me, no matter what. If she left me tomorrow I’m afraid if I will cry like a baby and ruined my image in front of her. Better do it tonight when I can still control what I felt after what happen a while ago.

 

“I’m sorry if I make you mad at me, Jessica-ssi. I really do from the bottom of my heart. I hope I could still do something to make you happy. Anyway, thanks for taking care of me while we stayed together. I appreciate your commitment and dedication throughout the course you attend with me. Please know that it was really pleasant to know and be around you. I will pack my stuff and leave like what you want.”

 

What she said almost made me cry right away. I controlled it somehow, going to my own room to think I really did take care of her. I never thought I would change to become a vegetarian so I could cook something that she can eat from my kitchen a few times. Indeed, I did lie when she caught me buying her food, but I didn’t lie when I plan to take care of her food while she was staying with me. I didn’t know why I want to be so emotional when I thought I will be happy when she left me. I was so confused with myself.

 

 

 

When she left from the house, I listen to the sad opera song from the TV channel I subscribed and cried very, very loudly in my room. I thought I would be fine if she left me that night, but it’s just the same. No difference at all! I think I cried some more when I read her message that she has arrived at her house safely and reminded me to do the Yoga before I go to sleep. I didn’t reply to her message. I just read it and do nothing. Yes, nothing!

 

I was numb and froze about everything! It scared me to behave like she was my girlfriend or has some special relationship with me to cry that hard. All along my cry was only for Donghae, I never knew a woman like her could make me cry. The next sad opera song from Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman – Time to Say Goodbye was making me crying my heart out for her even more. I can’t stop my messy tears. They are unstoppable, running down passing through my cheeks just like a broken pipe. It slowly gives me a hard time to breath. Suddenly, I remember about something that Taengoo lectured me after she knew I almost caused someone to die on the road because of my careless driving and my silly intention to kill myself.

 

 

 

“Jessica-ssi, I want to share something with you.”

 

She said after she heard about what happen to me yesterday. She sat on my front, eyes darted at me. The look in her eyes made me feel the air around me was so warm and nice. One of her hands was holding the digital voice recorder and another one holding her pen. Her book was on her lap. I was looking at her lips as I tried to remember the thing I did last night. She caught my attention to see her eyes again when she cleared , but it just briefly before I check her lips again.

 

“Music is the best free therapy you can find in this world, but music also can become the reason of self-destruction or catastrophe if you pick the wrong song to listen during your depressive state. From what you told me, I know the sad song you’ve listened was the reason why you become more depressive and unable to stay focused on the road. It stirs your emotion, giving a room for negative thoughts to circle around you. If you don’t mind, may I check your recent playlist right now, Jessica-ssi.”

 

I gave her my phone, just to show her my iTunes and Spotify playlist that I played on my car that day. She looked them thoroughly, giving me a chance to calm down from my shame of what happen last night. I don’t know how she could act like everything was fine or everything was okay with us, because I just can’t do that. I could still feel her soft lips in mine. I remember how I slowly nibble her lips and how she slowly responds to me. There is no lust in our kiss just pure passionate. It may sound crazy, but I’ve never had that kind of kiss before when I was with Donghae. I thought they were just a normal kiss, but why they feel so amazing if it’s normal? Moreover, I will stop at one kiss if they are just normal.

 

A moment later I was caught off guard when she made a new folder of song and purchased something from the iTunes and Spotify for me. It used her credit card, clearly not mine. Because I saw she entered some digit on my phone.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked her as I just realized she really paid for my new songs in a new folder that she created and named as Song Taengoo’s playlist. I took my phone from her to see the type of songs she asked me to listen. “I’m not a fan of rock or heavy metal music, Taengoo.”

 

I told her right away when my eyes caught the first song from Guns N Roses – Paradise City and the second one from Judas Priest – Painkiller. I never heard the title of the second song, but from the first song I know it must be rock or heavy metal genres like the song she played to wake me up this morning. The third song confirmed me some more that the song on her playlist is really either heavy metal or rock when I see a song from Joan Jett – I Hate Myself for Loving You. Well, what do I expect from someone who played an electric guitar like her? It’s not supposed to surprise me at all to her choice of song.

 

“Oh, believe me it helps, Miss Jung. Whether you like it or not it actually helps to kill your sad mood if you listen to any of them. Just give it a try whenever you feel down or being sad about something. Honestly, I want to delete your playlist if I can, but I know you can still recover it from your Apple ID. I make you a new folder for my choice of song to listen. They are twenty songs in it. All are my favorite. I hope you will use it someday.”

 

 

 

I got snapped from my cry after I remember my first therapy with her. I quickly turned off the TV and checked my phone to open the playlist that she bought for me. You will never believe me when I say it does really work to stop my silly tears on the spot! I got a major headache when I listen to Painkiller. What the hell am I doing, I thought!? I feel like I want to do headbanging and feel like I was high on drugs. At least what that little devil told me was true somehow. It really killed my mood to be sad about her departure. I do yoga that she taught me so I could get my sleep like every other night once I feel I already calm from my cry. Yoga helps to relax and prepare my body to sleep. Not long after that, I got my sleep that I really need.

 

Every day Taengoo will give me a message just to check on my condition, but not once did I reply to her. I really was being so stubborn following my ego after she decided to leave me earlier. It's been a few days she didn’t contact me anymore. I think I make her fed up to handle an egoist patient like me. Now, I kind of miss her. This withdrawal symptom I had with her is obviously giving me a hard time. It felt like a breakup! I know there’s nothing I could do anymore as this is what I want. Its better I end it this way than following my silly heart that starts to give her a room somewhere. After sometimes, I think what I did was really right. I should not contact her anymore. It leads me to kill all kinds of communication with her when I blocked her number for good.

 

 

*******

 

 

It’s been two months after the successful therapy. I admit that it's quite boring to live alone in the big penthouse, but