Jessica’s POV:

 

 

Where do I start telling you this horror?

 

There is a dark sound of piano music playing in my head right now. Every note that I hear is sending me a shiver. The tune weakened me. I could hear the devil whispering some uncanny words, following with the rhythm of destruction music in the background. I get a major goosebumps for a short while before the temperature gradually becomes so severely cold. It’s too dark. It scared me. I hear a sound of a door creaking open. A footstep that was too familiar. It gets closer and closer. There is a monster that lives in me trying to chase me. My breath became shallow. I hear the devilishly sound of whisper again. I was trembling inside and out. I can’t feel my blood running in my veins anymore. Like my blood was dry by some evil force.

 

A shadow appears in my vision. The shadow of someone that I know. It gave me a hand, offering a help that I totally try to ignore. This horror that I try to bury keep on recurring and suffocating me. They tried to drown me. Killing me down beneath the dark and cold water like I once experienced in the past. I realized that I have another dark episode in my life. At this point, I want to scream. Scream as loudly as I can. Let everyone knows how terrified and disturbed that I am with the monster that try to scare me. The monster that I scared is no one else, but me. The dark me that try to take my life again.

 

Do you know how frustrated it makes me feel when I become like this?

 

I insist to myself that I will be okay. The monster will be gone soon like every other time when it comes to visit me and whisper me some gory details. I will not die in my thoughts. I will fight it before it gets too late. I begin to count number in my deep and messy head to defeat the war that it started. I have so many thoughts. It gets heavier again. I want to sleep. I seriously need a sleep. Maybe the scary thoughts that I have will be gone if I had a rest. But how could I when my brain pushes me to think a lot? I just can't shut down my brain as what I hope. Is it a mistake for taking the antidepressant drug just not long ago? I thought that I could feel relaxed without thinking too much. Somehow, here I was… dragging myself again, and scaring myself again.

 

There are so many things that tried to push me away from Seoul. The things that I have never shared it to Irene unnie because I thought she already had enough worry because of me. I got to know from Yoona about one of my twin daughters is actually still alive and doing well. I have seen Donghae and his parents the day before yesterday with Yoona and Yuri after finding out the truth from them. They were so kind to accompany me that day. At the beginning, I have no idea what make Yoona wants to disclose it to me. I just felt so thankful to know one of my daughter is still alive. Apparently, that day was the last day I took a shower, have a meal, and getting a sleep. Knowing the news when I just arrived home with Jessicat from her rabies vaccine was really so intense. You can't imagine how horrible it felt to deal with news like that. I'm already fragile because of my past. Knowing something like that add more to the pain that I don't know how to deal alone.

 

Their reason to give up my baby to Yuri's orphanage house really crushed my life to the core at that time. I have a long thought. Long and very deep thought. No matter what happened, the baby is still mine if it's not Donghae. How can they be so evil to lie about my daughter all this while? He thought that I would be thankful to him if he could hide the real story? I was so relieved his friends who did a bad thing to me were already long gone. I can't imagine what I will do to them if they were still alive. Even if it's bad to have a murderous thought, I can't just help myself from not to think them.

 

For a moment, I felt grateful when he cancelled the wedding. I was so thankful I didn't marry a ing retarded man like him. How on Earth did I give him a chance to be near me when I should just make a police report to him last time? I was so embarrassed to myself. Giving him so many chances in my life was really a shame and fool of me. A man like him doesn’t deserve to be given a second chance by anyone. He and his parents are just the same. They are evil! Mother of all evil in this universe.

 

I thought that I want to kill Donghae and his parents with my bare hands. Somehow, I don't want to dirt my hand with their dirty blood. It's enough to know when one of my family had caused all of us a trauma in the past. I can't be dragged to be like their kind. I felt badly hurt. I have a repeating thought which I thought was so crazy. They come and go. Round and round in my broken mind. One time I want to plot a revenge to make them pay for what they have done to me and another time it brought me back to remember the tragedy when I was seven. I just didn't know anymore. I left from their house with Yuri and Yoona in my unstable mental state. Before I get insane from the crazy and murderous thoughts that I have repeatedly, I must leave from the place, I thought.

 

Yuri tried to convince me by saying Taengoo will be okay and will understand my situation if I want to see my daughter that they have named as Hyomin. They said Taengoo doesn't aware about the kid was mine because Yoona only shared the news that she knows to Sooyoung, Sunny and her. However, they will try to explain to Taengoo if I want my daughter back. I learned that, they actually try to bring me back together with Taengoo if I don't want to take my daughter from Taengoo just like that. They told me so many nice things with the hope I could get better if I know my daughter has been taking care well all this while in Taengoo and her wife's hands. I know their intention was good. I didn't feel mad at them for knowing their reason. Instead, I was thankful. Even if it’s painful, I still be thankful. Knowing one of my kids that I carried nine months in my womb was alive is all that matters to me.

 

What Yoona revealed brought me back to remember my last conversation at the beach with TY. Did TY also happen to know about my child after seeing Hyomin? Is that why I received all that kind of questions from him? I was certain that was the case right now. Yoona said she begun to search about my kid's background because of the same face that Hyomin has like me when I was a kid. I can assume, that's the other reason why TY wants me to stay away from Taengoo at that time. He knew I was going to breakdown if I ever find out about my daughter isn't dead. He was right, though. I felt like a great tremor had hit me.

 

Seriously, how can I be happy again with my life after knowing I can't have my daughter back?

 

This question haunts me. It gave me a big question mark. I was so numb after leaving from Donghae's house. I just don't know how to react anymore. I just can't take my daughter from Taengoo just like that or tell her I want to be in a relationship with her just because I want my child back. Taengoo and her wife must be so close to the kid. They already created and have a special bond with the kid. I can't just separate them like what I want. At least, my mind does agree with me that my action is so cruel if I did something like that.

 

I get home and tears start falling like a broken faucet. I thought that I will get insane if I stay in Seoul any longer. I just didn't know what I supposed to do with my life when the thought of to kill myself come to bother me again. The counselling that I had with Taengoo last time stop me. It reminded me about her last evaluation at the rooftop with me. I remembered telling her if something big will ever happen to me in the future, I will never give up my life or end my life again. I want to be a kickass person again. Kicking all the pain in my life that tries to ruin me. Anyhow, I was so weak, so fragile, and so delicate at that time. One small whisper from the devil in me could contribute a self-harm to myself. I can’t fight them alone.

 

I keep on asking myself this question, how broken is broken? I tried to comfort myself by giving a number to tell how broken I was this time. My answer is ten out of ten. It didn’t shock me at all. I knew that I really need a help if that was too much.

 

At that time, Taengoo's face kept on reappearing in my vision. They come again and again. Never try to leave me. Her comforting hug that I once received at any time that I want was calling me. It tempts me to do something. I want to call her, to find her, to notify her about how I was struggling and needing a help again. I want to reach her hand. The shadow of the person that I have always seen in my vision. I didn't reach her as what I hope. Even so, she helped me without she knew it. The playlist that she made for me had killed all the crazy thought that I have. Her playlist hack my mood for these past two day period. It kills my suicidal thought and left me with a great headache.

 

That’s how I could detect easily the song that I heard in my head just now.

 

Her addicting scent is practically still all over me, healing the crazy thought that I have slowly. I swear I could feel them in the air that I breathe. Did I feel high because of the drug? Because I swear to God... once again, as it once before, I become greedy to inhale her addicting scent more and more. Suddenly, the air surrounds me feel like a great quality oxygen that I must take in my system. I just can't stop breathing as much as I want.

 

I wish someone can tell me that I'm not insane yet. I'm not overdramatic with the thought that I constantly have. This isn't happening. It can't happen because I miss her. But how can I not miss her if I can feel her scent that I'm very well aware impossible to get anywhere? And how can I not miss her if I can hear her voice in my head? Is it a sign that I supposed not to take the flight? Or is it a sign that I will get crazy when I touchdown in San Francisco if I still want to leave?

 

I swear, that's her voice that I overheard in my head. I was so certain about that. I can't forget her voice. The voice that always sung me a heavy metal song every morning while she had been staying with me. The song that I hate at the beginning. And the song that I eventually miss after she left from my house. I can't be mistaken about the voice that I was so familiar. I'm not crazy yet. At least, not now. I know what I've heard. My ears cannot fail me.

 

In the mid of arguing mentally about the voice, the airplane sound system surprised me with the choice of song they picked next. They just replaced half way Kenny-G – The Moment relaxing music to something heavy when they played Joyride by Roxette band like what I just heard in my mind just a minute ago. How did they know about that song? It makes me so curious. My thought becomes a mess again when I hear...

 

 

 

'Hello, you fool, I love you! Come on join the joyride~'

 

 

 

And there it goes again, I whined secretly. I heard her voice mentally for the following time singing the song together. It was so clear. Very clear. Like she was practically very close to me. I get a goosebump all of the sudden. I could feel the temperature around me become so hot for a moment. Because... I just realized something... I can only hear her voice in my head if she was closer to me. My funny mind was trying to scare me even more. It asked me, what make me think it was a different person that used the perfume?

 

I suddenly remember the two vacant seats on my left.

 

HEOL!! SHE IS THE PASSENGER??? SHE IS IN THE SAME FLIGHT AS ME??? I screamed the questions mentally to myself.

 

The electric guitar tune had my heart racing all together this instant. I was thrilled, getting the adrenaline rush that I don’t know how to handle. It follows the lively music in the air. Hearing her voice in my head was making me so damn nervous right now.

 

I got froze in my seat. My body can't move a single muscle. I felt like I've been glued to stay put. I was so stiff. I feel so freezing cold. I want to shrink myself like an ant if I can, so that I can run away from the place quickly without anyone notice me.

 

Yeah, I wish I could run from the plane. I don't know how to explain the situation when I realized she might be the passenger that I hope will not come and take the seat. I can't be serious when I begin to feel annoyed with her voice that still sing the song. I thought that I miss her and I want to hear her voice. So why do I feel annoyed? But how am I not when I feel like she was dedicating the song to me?

 

The thought of it makes me get upset. I want to ask her to stop calling me a fool and I want to ask her to stop confessing through a song. Is she kidding me right now? Is this her idea playing me the song? Because why did they change the Kenny-G song half way through with the same song that I heard earlier? But, how? Of course! I was such an idiot. This is a Golden Sky Airline that I’m taking which is the sub-company where she works. By the way, how did she end up taking this flight? Did Yuri tell her about my departure? Is this their plan for wanting to pair us again? Seriously, they make me didn't know how to react or to face her right now.

 

Can I really blame her for following me and singing me the song from her mind? Not that s