Taeyeon's POV:

 

 

I woke up this morning with a light headache following me for the period of half an hour or so. I checked my blood pressure just to figure out the reason of my headache. Apparently, the result came out normal. Just like every other day. It's been happening for the past six months since the person I love pursue her journey of self‐healing.

 

Today, I have the time all for myself. Doing whatever I want or whatever I like. My sweet-adorable daughter is not around to accompany me. She is in Tiffany's house since last night. It was Tiffany's turn to spend her time with our daughter.

 

Tiffany and me, we are officially not a married couple in a paper. We have settled our divorce four months ago with Tiffany's grandpa's knowledge. I have to charm him as what Tiffany requested me to do. Tiffany stated, it's compulsory to charm him in order to protect Hyomin and to make sure our divorce go in peace. Even after the divorce, grandpa told me that he still considers me as his own granddaughter. Maybe I charm him too much till he made that statement and wanted me to take over the aviation academy.

 

My D.I.D is not a secret to Tiffany’s grandpa anymore. He was aware about that. Tiffany wants me to inform him the real thing about my sickness. He offered me that post after he knows the thing that I have to deal in my life. Grandpa said, I did splendid in my job and I would do great handling the thing that I have knowledge from the scratch. And after a lot of thoughts, I humbly accepted his offer.

 

I was a director of the academy now. Mostly, I work from home as what grandpa wants. I only came to the academy when I need to sign urgent documents and when I need to attend important meeting. I still love to fly, though. My passion as a crj captain and flight instructor is still going strong, even if I have to work as a director right now. I was granted to take short hour flight and to attend less than two students per quarter. However, that ambition I need to put them on hold for temporarily. An unavoidable situation occurred to prevent me from flying. Accurately, I haven’t flown a plane nearly seven months now.

 

Today, it's not a working day for me. Normally, during my day off, I begin my day with running on the treadmill or doing yoga or pilates before having my breakfast and do a house work. But today, I just stay on my bed more just to stare at the bioluminescent art print on my ceiling. I felt great breaking my typical routine. Being lazy is never my mood. But today, it becomes my ultimate mood.

 

My new playlist is such a mood too.

 

It plays Celine Dion – All By Myself to keep my emotions at bay.

 

The music I hear really gives me a motivation to stay awake. So, I hear them repeatedly like a sadistic psychopath who felt entertained by this kind of music genre. What I taught in my counselling, what I don’t want people who attend my counselling to do, I did them right now. I tried to put myself in their shoe, inviting the mood that people always hate to deal with. The chorus and high note played make me bop my head in medium tempo. I taught myself to enjoy them just like how I felt enthralled playing my electric guitar. The music I hear will not tear me apart. It will not make me weak. Never. That's what I told myself again and again till the time when my brain failed me.

 

Seemingly, I let my emotion drawn me. I missed Jessica like crazy.

 

It breaks me. When I can’t get in touch even with her spirit form.

 

So...

 

I wait the high note chorus come patiently while gathering all the energy in me. When the music hit the word that I want, I begin to sing them along… singing or accurately screaming on top of my lung, giving a chance to any living soul to hear me. Because I need to accept the fact that I have no headache... But I have a heartache. HEARTACHE.

 

"All by myself... don't wanna be... All by myyyyyyyself~ ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE~ OH~WOOOHHHHHHH~"

 

Hah!

 

I welcomed my emotion very nicely. I believe it’s a form of the greatest therapy. That's true. That's how my morning ended too. Because I passed out after that. I came to my sense at noon, feeling all different with a midi dress on my body and a stench of alcohol on my mouth. I realized that I wasn't in my bed anymore. But in a couch in the living room.

 

When I checked the CCTV in the house, I got to know Ahjumma Taeng has taken my time after I passed out. The time that she had, she spent them in the house, baking me something to eat. Yes, she baked for me. I saw the note she left on the dining table. That's how I got to know about her.

 

 

 

Dear uri Taengoo,

 

Did you know eating sweets are good for health? It will improve your mood other than giving you nutrients. Ahjumma baked you a fruitcake today. Hope your world would be sweeter again. Please eat them well. And also, Ahjumma left a duet song for you to complete. You can check it in everysing app.

 

P/S: No egg used in the fruitcake. Ahjumma used applesauce as a substitute.

 

Sincerely,
Ahjumma Taeng

 

 

 

Ahjumma Taeng, the personality that I thought as a e made me that. She's acting all sweet to take care of me again. That's not the first time she came out. I get to hear about her, sometimes. She always cooked me something, and left me a note or a poem if she came out. Today, she left me a duet trot song You Are My Beloved from Kim Yong-Im. I guessed that she knew the emotion that I had this morning. That’s why she tried to cheer me up with the song.

 

When Jessica left me, I thought that getting my medication will work to contain them like what I did four years ago. Nope. It didn't work the same. The medication I took only last for a few hours. I need to change my prescription, taking them twice a day, every morning and every night. I have to stay on my bed for the period of one month due to I have to sleep most of the time. Still, it didn’t work to stop them from overpowering me completely. Increasing the dosage will give me a permanent problem in the future as what Sunny informed me. Therefore, I made a big decision in my life. Disregard to what Jessica wanted me to do when I last talked with her. I decided not to take any medication anymore. No medicine that I should take to control any of them.

 

Ever since five months ago, I let them come and go as they pleased. I thought that I need to be familiar with the others as well. I really want to get to know each one of them, and also, to know the reason why they came out. Maybe by trying to communicate with them, it will help me to understand them further.

 

Right now, I knew briefly about them. I have CCTVs in each corner of my house to monitor me. With motion detector CCTV, audio, and video that Yuri helped me to install in my room. It will move and play accordingly when I try to leave from my bed. A message that I left to the other me. I record them frequently to let the others get up-to-date about my question or my answer to them. Trying to communicate with them is the best thing that I do. I truly don’t want Jessica to be burdened by me in the future. If I can have a little understanding or a little cooperation from the others, maybe Jessica doesn’t need to open her wound to help me after she fully recovers.

 

Because of what happened, I decided not to sleep in the same room with Hyomin anymore. Usually, I will tuck her into bed, read her a bedtime story, wait till she fell asleep before I went into my own bedroom to have my rest. She understands that she needs to stay in her own bedroom without me. She says, she is attending a pre-school and not a baby now. I still thought, she is a baby to me. She’s my forever baby girl no matter what happened. In reality, I still want to sleep on the same bed as her, but because of the others, I have no choice than to stay in a separate room from her.

 

Only me and Hyomin live in the house that my parents lived together with me in the past. My mother, she's staying at Yuri's orphanage house. Not at the same place as us. It's not convenient for her to go back and forth when the orphanage house was obviously far from the place where I live with Hyomin. I do visit her every week, or vice versa whenever we have a chance. She was updated from my findings about the alter that I have in me. We talked about them frequently through the phone or chat app if I can’t see her directly. She's really a supportive mother, giving me a word of comfort and love that I need. For the first time in my adulthood, I spent a night sleeping on her lap like a little kid. It felt different to get that. I mean, different in a good way. Like I know she really loves me when she pays her attention, listening to my story while brushing my hair tenderly. That’s how Hyomin felt, I thought. And I ought to take her every advice very seriously. Because she is one among a few persons that I respected and trusted a lot. She says if Jessica decides to help me in the future, she will try to stop Jessica like what I want. We just need to convince Jessica that my D.I.D is under control for now.

 

So far, these are my finding about the personalities that I have in me. None of them tell me about the past, the memory that was blocked from me till I have a D.I.D. I never asked any of them that question too. Afraid if I do so, none of them will try to communicate with me. Asking them that question will only make them thought that I have an intention to get recovered. Me being recovered is equal to no personality will appear to overpower me again. I skip that sensitive question for good. Because my only intention is to build strong bonds with everyone. Not to make them hate me.

 

Kim TaeHyuk – He is a gambler. I lost 500K in one night and won 3M a few weeks later. He gave me all the money he won and asked me to buy our house back from Tiffany. He wants me to live in the house where I lived with my family in the past. He said the house is empty for too long. It's not good to leave it just like that when all the happy memory we ever had occurred in the house.

 

I settled my divorce with Tiffany a week after I read Kim TaeHyuk's message. I told Tiffany about my intention to buy our house from her grandpa. Tiffany said, all that I want, I already owned that. I got my house, and my parents' Dairy Farm back. I can refer to the lawyer more in regards to that issue. All the share that I obtained from her grandpa, I can keep them too. She also said, I can give it to Hyomin in the future if I don't want them right now. The five million that I owed her, she mentioned the price is forfeited because she is the one whom giving me a divorce. She dumps my after Jessica left me. She pretends acting cold towards me when I realized she truly loves me, actually. It's sad, though. She needs to stay away from me because she needs to mend her broken heart too. Giving her more chance to spend a quality time with Hyomin could help her more, I thought. That's how I begin to live in the house again after my divorce with Tiffany was settled. Before moving to the house, I did minor renovation with Yuri's big help to set-up the things that I required to have.

 

Kim TaeHyuk never appears after I move to live in the house. It seems like his wish was granted, so he becomes idle again. I wonder if my argument was true or not. He might appear again in the future. But as of these a few months, he seems very quiet.

 

Ahjumma Taeng – She thought that she is a mother to all of us or maybe just a few of us. And so, she carries strong motherly intuition in her just like what Jessica and Tiffany explained it to me before. She tried to comfort me a few times, though. Not only me. The Kid Leader and Byuntae too when I checked the CCTV. She always came out when our emotion becomes unstable. Like when I want to cry, but I can’t cry. I, sometimes, could hear her speaking in my head. She tries to comfort me like a mother attending to a kid. I got to know, she labelled me as a kid – a child that some time need to be comforted. I always know I need that. I just didn’t know the other in me will give me a comfort that I need. Because of her, I had a new habit now. I randomly do a self-hug from time to time, with or without facing a mirror. I imagine giving them a hug or just giving myself a hug for no reason. It might sound silly. But who’s going to appreciate me, if not my own self? And thank you to Ahjumma Taeng, I was active in online counselling chat again after I left my duty for a few months. My cases were mostly only minor. Yoona said, I don’t need to push myself too hard. Because they have enough people to handle every case now. I think, Yoona doesn’t want to bother me too much since they know I didn’t take my medication and I still could split, sometimes.

 

DJTaengoo – She loves music. Mainly, the 80s and 90s. She wants me to maintain as blonde because she loves Madonna. 'Holiday' from Madonna is a bop, she says. She requested me to buy her a new headphone, and the latest DJ Controller. She informed me from the voice note, she is a distraction alter that was created by Byuntae. If she happens to appear, maybe I need something as a holiday. She only appeared one time, though. But I bought her what she wants, just in case if she happens to come out again.

 

And just like what DJTaengoo’s voice note, I gave myself a holiday in a high hill resort that located in Jeonju. My me time. Travelling alone when Hyomin was in Tiffany’s place. I took a 4D3N trip to the Dairy Farm that my parents owned when they were still alive. It’s true that I was scared with meat, but not with cow. I can stand seeing them chewing or swallowing grass in the big field. As what I know, the place really develops well from the manager who came to give me a brief tour. And I know, it was grandpa’s effort to make the place becomes a hit. I was told, the Dairy Farm business is not mainly focusing on producing fresh meat or dairy farm products, but they also provide accommodation, and other activities.

 

For a big and develop place like the Dairy Farm, it’s not surprising to receive a frequent visit from TV producer too. Thanks to them. The TV program and drama shooting at the place really work drawing more visitor. Now, the place was a hot spot for teambuilding, paragliding, pre-wedding photoshoot, and a few local festivals. And because of that, I see an opportunity to build a theme park at the place. That’s the big project that currently making me active. Grandpa was aware about that and he fully supported my idea. He gave a few of important men contact, asking me to call them to discuss further about the project. My trip at the place should be just relaxing, but it turns out, my brain gets active to see a business opportunity that I could create. I don’t know if I went to a wrong place to have my holiday. Perhaps, I did. That’s why I made another trip with Hyomin to Everland.

 

Kim Byuntae – She told me that Jessica is her pet and companion. She hates me for losing her animal and human Jessicat. She didn't want to communicate with me after leaving me that final note. But she did listen to me for using my money to buy everything that she wanted to have. I see she bought lots of her stuff online. All her stuffs were labelled with her name too. She is very organized and precise. She had her own bedroom in the house with her own fridge in her bedroom where she stored all her favourite food. Other than eating things that I can't, I saw she begins to create her own channel on YouTube. Byuntae has her own mukbang channel where she can earn her own money. Somehow, her mukbang channel is not something that I could see. Sunny helped me to monitor that. She informed me Byuntae had 390K subscriber for the period of two months by only posting seven videos. Her videos that she never failed to say ‘Hi’ to Jessicat. Because she named her viewers as Jessicat. Her mukbang channel made me famous and also made me blackout when some random people approached me with the food that they meant to give to Byuntae for her channel. Byuntae is an active personality. Usually, she’s taking my times while I was asleep or sometimes when I was having a blues.

 

The Kid Leader – She doesn't want to die anymore. She wants to live and finds our eomma because she says Sooyeon already found her mother. I happened to know Sooyeon is Jessica Korean name. She mistakenly thought our Hyomin is Sooyeon after she got the chance to see Hyomin. I told my mother about this. And my mom advised me to let the Kid Leader continues to think like that. Because if she wants to live, it means we should not be alarmed each time when she came out.

 

Kim Zero – He can't write me a message, but he was able to record me his voice from the voice recorder I left. He said in a heavy slur that he wanted to sleep in his noona's armpit, he missed his noona, and the woof woof woof and grrr grrr grrr following along in the message after that. I assumed 'noona' that he meant is Jessica, because I know he addressed Jessica as noona. He seems angry from the CCTV I saw. I can't believe seeing him lifted one of his legs like a real dog before peeing at every corner of my bed and tearing my bedsheet just with his teeth. I have to go to the dentist after I woke up that day. I begin to wonder if he acts the same when Jessica happened to encounter him last time? And why would he want to sleep in Jessica's armpit? It makes me dizzy to think about his request.

 

JackSkellingTae – This floating or ghost personality always disappeared in less than two minutes when he/she happens to take control of our body. JackSkellingTae refused to spend a little of his/her time to watch the video I left. My note on the table was untouched too. As such, I have no clue about him/her till now. So far, he/she came out three times ever since the day when I try to gather information about them myself. One time from that, he/she returned back to the house and let Zero takes control of our body, while the other two… I gained consciousness in a toilet of nowhere and when I tried to leave from the place, I saw Jessica from a far. The location is in Milan and Paris. Both occasions happened to be in a museum.

 

Jessica looks in a better shape on my second encounter which happened about a month ago compared to one month before that. My first encounters, I can only admire her secretly from a far, following her trail, even if she has a companion with her. It's not her sister, though. She was with a gentleman that I see treating her with manners. During my second encounter, I was dressed in a black hoodie, black ripped jeans, and white sneakers. I even had my phone strapped onto my arms and my wallets on my pockets. You may say, I kind of anticipated to see her each time when I went to sleep. You can't blame me. I only had pajamas during my first encounter with her. Lucky enough the cleaner at the place letting me use her cellphone to contact Sunny. And that first encounter was enough to make me always go to sleep in preparedness.

 

During my second encounter, I dare myself to come closer to see the portrait that made her glue at the same spot for the past half an hour. The same man who was with her had left her to be alone at that time. Not sure where he went, though. I only knew, I took the opportunity to get close to Jessica immediately after she was left unattended. My heart skips a beat or too many beats. I felt nervous to be there. Close. With her. Alone. And very close. Very. My breath becomes shallow. I really want to take the air in the place, reminding myself, how I love to share the same air with her. But I wasn't able to do so. My focus was gathered at the same portrait that make Jessica stay put in the place. I wasn’t looking at the portrait... I was actually looking at her reflection. Being mesmerized all over again because she looked absolutely great. With fat on her body, not just bone or being too skinny. I applauded her mentally. Over and over again till the time when she turns her head to look at me on her side. I wonder if she can hear me cheering her so loudly in my head. Or maybe... I was being that close enough to her till it made her become uncomfortable. Her reflection that I saw staring at me in a confusion was enough to chase me away. I leave from the place quickly before she could meet my teary eyes.

 

This is the sad truth about us. Krystal told Sunny, Jessica lost her memory about me and Hyomin. The person whom Jessica seeks a help had closed the traumatic event from Jessica's memory to give a room for Jessica to adjust before the person can slowly open it again when Jessica is ready. A good thing to know, Krystal informed Sunny that Jessica is still doing her treatment consistently. It’s been like three months since that happened. Hyomin lost contact with Jessica too till I have to tell Hyomin the truth about Jessica. Like her gorgeous umma had a memory loss and her gorgeous umma can only see her or me after her gorgeous umma remembers us again.

 

You see where I stand right now? Even when I know the chance to get Jessica back in my life is only 0.001 percent, I still don’