She was lying vulnerably on her bed. Has no idea how many days have passed since she became helpless like that, but probably more than a week. Her head was so heavy, feeling dizzy and nauseated slowly hitting her conscious self. She wanted to take medication to kill the pain, but her laziness makes her end up closing her eyes again. She knew the door to her room was unlocked. She has left it like that on purpose, just in case if anything bad will ever happen to her which she wasn’t so certain until now. It will be easier for her family to see her dead body by unlocking the room. She kept on visualizing in her head like that. The image of her dead corpse being carried by the forensic officer with her sister and parents crying their heart out. The man that she hopes will come together still didn’t care about her somehow. It kills her again to imagine it like that, but she still care to continue her painful imagination. It makes her sick! The real good one!

 

She lost count how many bottles of wine she had taken till she passed out before. Funny, as she doesn’t feel the need to eat at all. She lost her appetite like how she was losing her sanity. The curtain and blind make the room stay in the dark. She prefers it like that, as dark as a tunnel. It really resembles her heart. Nothing could change the fact that she was still mourning about her failed relationship. What’s the point to have everything when the thing that she wanted left her? After all that happens, she was still in love and want to marry him. This is what makes her pissed off with herself.

 

She wants to suicide. The word 'suicide' didn’t scare her anymore like the first time when she had a thought about it. She had been thinking about it again and again, but she wasn’t brave. The devil keeps on whispering in her ear, till when she wants to suffer seeing the person she loves is living happily and was in love with someone else? Her cries won’t bring him back. She even hates listening to her own cries before. She wanted to be brave to fight all the evil in herself. She is not a weak person. She has an understanding parents and her sister was so lovely to her. They gave her a comfort after knowing about what he did to her, but that wasn’t enough.

 

She got a nice job. She was a CEO. She owned a spa at a few hot touristic locations. It was a big hit. Everyone was praising her to be a successful lady boss. However, that was before. She hated what she had right now. She didn’t expect thing will end up like this with her business partner or also known as her ex-fiancé.

 

Her instinct about he was out of love with her was eventually right. That has always had a side chick behind her back. She knew it all along, but she keeps her eyes closed as the thought he will leave them after he got bored. She didn’t expect he will end up getting bored and leaving her for another woman. What's more to be embarrassed when he chose a masseuse who worked in her spa rather than her! She doesn't know where to hide her face. Some of her friends were making fun of her as the result of staying with him even though she already knew what kind of man he was. Her employees were looking at her as if she was so pathetic when she lost her man to another woman. They make her look bad as if it was all her fault. She can’t go to work in peace without leaving her funny thinking behind. It seems like her workplace is not a happy place to go anymore. There’s nothing could make her happy other than having him again.

 

Maybe she was one among hundred over fool people who only thinks about committing suicide during a break up. She got to admit that, she was a fool! The intense shame and failure in her relationship really gave her a burden to continue her life. It wasn’t a good experience at all. Truth to be told, she wasn't ready to face it. Her depression brought her to hide herself inside her big room in their private family rest villa in Jeju. She can’t stand how he kept on cheating behind her back and still do it till now. It hurt her pride when he called off their wedding that will happen three more months from now. He said, she wasn’t the woman that he wants to have as his wife anymore. She hated him when he said there’s no third person’s involvement when he broke up with her. It was all her fault because she doesn’t keep making him happy when they were in a relationship. He tried to manipulate her mind, giving her more reason why she should just die.

 

“Jessi, are you inside? Jessi!”

 

She heard her sister’s voice. It shocked her to receive a visitor when she hasn't decided how to harm herself. It can't be a hallucination because she heard a loud bang on her bedroom door by someone. The knocking was so loud till it makes her body shiver in fear. She got to pretend like she was still sleeping to avoid any unnecessary input by her sister. Nothing that she says could help her right now. That’s how she wanted to believe. Recently, she got used to be negative as she was so tired being positive before. Her ex doesn’t change when she tried to be positive, oh well he did, he left her! That’s why she was so ed up right now, bawling her eyes out and being silly for planning something stupid.

 

“Oh, gosh! Why does your room so stinking? Did you drink a lot again? And don’t you think it’s too early for you to get your sleep? It's only six in the evening, Jess!”

 

Krystal’s loud complaint can be heard clearly in her spacious bedroom. Her eyes felt hurt the moment when she flicked the light open. It was so bright. She groaned in discomfort to adjust the brightness that her eyes can't handle. She hates the light! She prefers living in the pitch-dark like before. That’s her world. Her sister is really coming at a wrong time. Now she regrets when she didn’t plan how to die earlier.

 

“Jessi, wake up!”

 

Her sister was shaking her arm before she felt the duvet that has been covering her fragile body being removed from her. A sudden coldness hit her. It makes her groan another time. She didn’t turn on any air conditioner when she entered the room before. Therefore, the air around the room was very bad. It was so humid and hot so she doesn’t understand how she still feels cold when Krystal exposed her body in that manner.

 

“I’m so sleepy, Krystal.”

Her voice sounded so husky. felt so dry. She tried not to speak more due to that, eyes still closing as she wasn’t planning to stare at her sister’s eyes and reveal her pain. She wanted to keep them alone as far as she can take. Her family can't be bothered anymore. She has to do it quietly if she plans to die.

 

“Jess, you know how far I need to find you here? Dad and mom were so worried when you cannot be contacted! What happen to your phone? I could understand if only one day, but it’s been almost two days you are out of reach. I have to skip class to find you here.”

 

She opened her eyes quickly upon discovered she only spent two freaking days staying at their rest villa in Jeju. Two days? She thought she had spent at least a week or more to grieve.

 

“Why only two days?” She snapped loudly in misery, giving a death glare like it was Krystal’s fault to make her grieving period got shortened. She cursed all the foul language in her head for she only spent two days staying there. She wanted to cry for that sole reason.

 

Krystal was giving her a confuse look, she was frowning unpleasantly while scanning her face. It makes her flinch automatically when Krystal touched her face. Something is just not feel right when her younger sister brushed her skin with her thumb. Why does Krystal's touch hurt her when she did it ever so slowly? She can't understand. Her physical contact always makes her heart flutter before. Why does she feel hurt to be caressed like that right now?

 

“Jessi, did you cry a lot for that idiot? Please stop torturing yourself like this. I hate to see your swollen eyes! You don’t know how worried we were when you cannot be contacted.”

 

No! She wanted to block her ears and close her eyes! Can Krystal stop? She can’t stand to see Krystal’s glistening eyes. At least please don’t cry in front of her. She already got enough crying because of some douchebag man who didn't deserve her love. She can’t see her closest family member in distress like her.

 

“Dad and mom were already on their way from San Francisco to Seoul. They asked me to get you back to Seoul right now.”

 

“What? Right now? Why? I love my vacation break in here.”

 

“Was it? Really, Jess? Then how come they received your suicidal message? Why are you so fool for wanting to end your life for some----”

 

“What message? I didn’t give them anything!?”

 

She tried to deny hurriedly, but then she gasped when Krystal showed her the screenshot message from her parents. What the hell! She can't recall anything if she ever typed any suicidal message to anyone.

 

Dad, mom, thank you for raising and loving me all this long. I can’t repay your kindness and I’m very sorry for that. To my dearest sister Krystal you are always prettier than me. Don’t live your life like me. Please enjoy your youth. I will see you guys again somewhere. The Earth is rejecting me. I have to be ejected.

 

“Tell me if it isn’t a suicidal message, Jess? Because to us, it really does sound like one.”

 

She felt hard to reply, her brain still working hard to remember when was the time she sent them the message. Was it probably when she was drunk? She can’t even check her dead phone to reconfirm her suspicion. No wonder she doesn't feel that hungry. She was just regaining her consciousness awhile then and be emotional as if it was already passed a week. She was so pathetic wasn't she? No wonder her employees being sorry for her life.

 

“I’m glad you are okay. You really make me cry a lot. I got embarrassed to cry in front of the private jet pilot who brought me here. But it’s okay. I’m so relief I got to see you again.”

That's the end of her plan to commit suicide at their rest villa. Seemingly, her unconscious self had just saved her life by giving her parents an alarming message till Krystal found her before she could even decide how to harm herself.

 

 

*******

 

 

She looked through the website that the Naver suggested to her for more than ten minutes till her mind went blank. Not sure if this is the right source to share her relationship problem. Truthfully, she was scared to seek a professional help. The fear to be labeled o