Dear Jessica,

I know you are going to die but I still love you.

The day we sat together hand in hand at the doctor’s office I knew it wasn’t going to be good news. The doctor looked hesitant as if he wanted to tell us something different but the word, “brain cancer” was all we were waiting to hear. Those migraines you had were not just a simple headache but a tumor pressing on your brain causing that painful pressure. Who knew that way back in college when we first met, we could have gone to the doctor and had this treated right away.

After we left the doctor I saw you look at me with the same painful eyes the doctor just showed us. I could tell you wanted to say so much more than what you actually did but you said “I love you” and that was all I wanted to hear. We both knew our road together was going to be shorter than expected but we chose to ride this road together. After all, I love you too.

It wasn’t a simple decision but you chose to try chemotherapy. There were so many bad days when we did that. The doctor gave us hope that this could give you more time or cure the problem although unlikely. I wish we didn’t. I felt like our time became less because you were too weak to hug me most nights or slept most of the day. It was strange seeing a different toxin take you from me than the one that was actually killing you. For both of us, I would say these were the worst of days. Yet you were a fighter and went through treatment for 2 months. After 2 months we decided to stop as your tumor did not decrease in size. All that effort was to waste and you went into a depression.

I would hold you even if you didn’t want me to, I showed you affection even though you probably didn’t notice and I kissed you every night to sleep even though you were not awake. Even if you forgot, I still loved you.

We didn’t have much time together and I couldn’t bear to see you throw away what little time we had left so I bought a puppy. I know you are not a dog person but when I brought home this black furry creature, I saw a new light in your eyes. It was the one I was hoping to see when we were going to talk about having kids.

Surprisingly, the dog liked you more than it liked me. I didn’t say it then but I was jealous. Jealous of a dog? I know you would have laughed at me, but could you blame me? I tried all my love and affection to get you out of depression, but this dog did it in a few days. I wondered then if you really needed me. I didn’t show it but I was always looking at that dog wondering what made him so special.

We didn’t have kids but our little puppy was a trouble maker. It took a while to get him potty trained and I remembered you screamed and cursed on more than one occasion of stepping out of bed into something very wet. I really tried not to laugh but can you really deny that wasn’t funny? Yet you loved that dog and since we got him, I heard you say “I love you”.

You had a light in your life again and we were a happy family for a while. That was until you collapsed. I can’t even describe how terrified I was at that moment. It was like my whole life was out of me watching you go down suddenly.

We went to the hospital and the news was not good. That day we got a number. I checked my calendar and found out you were going to die in October. I used to like October.

I know you wanted to go home. I am so sorry I couldn’t kidnap you from the hospital and hold you until you reached your eternal slumber, but you were so weak. I don’t know if you even knew that your body was shutting down one organ at a time but the doctors kept you alive for a while longer.

Every day I would kiss you and tell you I loved you.

Sometimes you would kiss me back and I would feel my heart swell but then when you would go back to sleep, I would cry. I wondered would today be the last day I could kiss you goodnight.

On Oct. 20 I would give you my final kiss. You didn’t say I love you but I knew you did until your last breath.

We tried fighting together but things don’t always go according to plan.

Thank you for giving me the gift of love.

Forever you will be in my heart and until I take my final breath, just know that I love you.

Taeyeon

~END~