So, lets just get a pet peeve of mine out of the way. If you say Despairing Dive out loud, it makes for the most awkward sounding phrase ever. Does this really affect anything? Well no, not really, but having a title that is appealing to the ears is a definite plus.

The thing I liked about your title is the fact that it is different. The choice of words here (past the fact that they sound awful together) was well done. Despairing automatically hints at angst and dive makes us curious as what it could possibly mean and allows us to take it either literally or metaphorically. It makes for an interesting combination and certainly stands out for the usual titles that we see floating around on AFF these days.

However, that's not the only thing about titles that are important. I took of half of your points due to the fact that your title really doesn't connect much to your story. I hate to make this claim especially since there is perhaps some deeper meaning that I missed and I hate to assert this because I'm not the best at reading between the lines but I have to tell you this. If your aim for this piece was to symbolically create a dive in which Myungsoo 'dives into a moment of despair' it didn't happen. The most despairing part of this was your first two paragraphs which I will actually talk about later in the plot section. I was not able to take away from this story the feeling that Myungsoo lost himself in this dive. Even if I were not to take dive in that sense and rather see it in the sense that Myungsoo gave his all for Sungjong, I cannot, because he did not. Sure, he gave up his popularity...so what? That isn't enough. If anyone, I think Sungyeol is the one who made the dive.

A title needs to have a solid connection in the piece, in fact, the title should have a big part in determining what the important aspects of your story are too. The title is the single easiest part of a story that can become symbolic so you should utilize it.

Let's talk about your description first. I did not like it. At all. Two reasons, one, it was choppy and two, it didn't really give your plot out in the right light. I'm going to break it down and tell you what I saw in it before I even read this story.

A moment of despair slapped into Myungsoo's life, twice. (At this moment, I as a reader knows that Myungsoo suffered twice. This is good, keep this, it creates curiously as to what he suffered from.) However, it's a dive everyone needs to take. (This sentence makes me cringe because of the logical fallacies. First, however, however is used when we’re debasing the previous thought. So basically what you’re saying is that Myungsoo’s tragedy doesn’t matter…which automatically makes me stop caring. Next you tell me that this is a ‘dive’? But previously you said a moment of despair which cause me to assume that it was an event that caused Myungsoo’s sadness, not per say, his own action. Finally, you assume that everyone must make this ‘dive’ but that in itself is not necessarily true.) Society might pressure one to do so earlier than others. (At this point, when you bring in society and have a genre, most of your readers are going to assume this ‘dive’ is admitting that one is gay. Great, all that suspense I got from reading the first sentence just vanquished into the air.)

Based on my commentary, hopefully you realize that the man problem I had with these three sentences is based on the fact that they don’t flow together. They seem to be three separate thoughts that you jammed into one and that completely takes away coherencies. The thoughts in themselves are not bad. When writing anything, coherency is always your first concern.

Due to the biased human race, Myungsoo's feelings are locked up inside his heart. (I am not completely sure that this ‘dive’ is revealing that he is in love with a guy. But if that were the case, why did he have this dive, twice? And why does everyone have to experience it?) After seeing someone so unconcerned about others' thoughts, will society still have an effect on him? (Again, there is sudden jump in thoughts. We go from biased human race to suddenly revealing someone else. Also, questions are really good, but in this particular case, it sounds a bit odd due to the random jump in thoughts. There wasn’t enough elaboration to make it an effective question worth clicking the next button in order to answer.)

Your description had a total of five sentences. That’s not a problem if you only want to introduce one or two thoughts, the problem is, you introduce five thoughts. That’s too much. Each thought needs to have at least a bit of elaboration in order to make it all flow together.

After Reading: This description does literally no justice to your story. I implore you to rewrite it. Seriously. After reading this story, I was blown away by the simplistic beauty of it. To tell you the truth, this story is less about Myungsoo’s conflict with society but more about the conflict of friendship versus love. This is a conflict that is highly interesting and I think you should give it more weight.

Now, on to the foreword. Please see my edit on this part of the story in the readability section. About the actual foreword itself. I am caught in a love hate relationship with it. On the one hand, I’m glad that you introduce the romance since that’s what a lot of readers look for, especially for the shippers. On the other hand, there isn’t much stuff in this foreword that are potentially points for conflict or interest generators. I’m not sure that this is the best excerpt you could have chosen. Perhaps introducing Sungyeol’s role would have been more appropriate.

Alright, so let’s start out with some edits. I’ll be explaining them as I go, but for the most part, the majority of your issues lie in tenses so hopefully I’ll be able to cover that. (Note – I only edited errors in the first chapter since the errors were repetitive and I’m sure you can apply them by yourself in latter chapters.)

Let’s look at your first two paragraphs first. Already we can see an issue that will be apparent throughout the rest of your entire piece. The issue is quite simple but let’s take a look at my edits first. There are two versions.

The throbbing pain runs wildly around his feet. The sharp agony, of a thousand burning needles jabs in at the same time, shoots up and down his arm. Flop (?) sweat bursts out as a wave of nausea hits him. He collapses into a heap, his body burning in searing pain that grew worse with each passing second. His muscles cramp up within him, tearing from his bones. His hand curls into a claw, scratching the rocky dark-grey pavement, trying to release the affliction. Giving up, he lies there, unable to do anything except suffer. Tears form at the corners of his eyes as he gasps and pants. He could not even call out. Make it stop, make it stop, he thinks while he somehow wills his other arm to render aid to the, now, useless appendage.

Threads of bright yellow light surrounds him. His soul lifts above him from his still, numb body. At least the pain will be over this way. His conscious part smiles as it dances away towards the spark in the distance.

The throbbing pain ran wildly around his feet. The sharp agony, of a thousand burning needles jabbed in at the same time, shooting up and down his arm. Flop (?) sweat burst out as a wave of nausea hit him. He collapsed into a heap, his body burning in searing pain that grew worse with each passing second. His muscles cramped up within him, tearing from his bones. His hand curled into a claw, scratching the rocky dark-grey pavement, trying to release the affliction. Giving up, he laid there, unable to do anything except suffer. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes as he gasped and panted. He could not even call out. Make it stop, make it stop, he thought while he somehow willed his other arm to render aid to the, now, useless appendage.

Threads of bright yellow light surrounded him. His soul lifted above him from his still, numb body. At least the pain would be over this way. His conscious part smiled as it danced away towards the spark in the distance.

The bolded words are the ones I changed. The issue at hand is tense incoherency. You tend to jump from past tense to present tense to future tense. This is really, really bad. It makes for an extremely odd read. The top version is the version of these two paragraphs in present tense and the second version is in past tense. It in fact got to the point where I was not sure what your intentional tense was for this first part. For the rest of your story I understood that the dominant tense was past but in especially these two paragraphs you leave me utterly confused. Choose one or the other and stick to it like a life line. I suggest choosing past tense.

Now, how do you determine how to conjugate your verbs? This is a hard task for even native speakers so it’s no surprise you have difficulty with this – I myself do and even I am not confident that my edits were 100 percent correct. My tip to you would be to be wary of using verbs that end in s together with verbs that end in ed. That’s not a rule that works all the time but it’s good for a general good overview check. In order to fully develop your ability to tell which tense to you, I suggest reading a good google guide on it.

Now let’s move on to some other issues. Please remember that once again these are all taken from chapter one and that I suggest proofreading your other chapters.

Just looking at it brought a sense of tranquility - that wasn't available elsewhere.

Just looking at it brought a sense of tranquility that wasn't available elsewhere.

Hyphens are great things to use and can be awesome tools, but your usage of them here don’t complement your work and is incorrect. What you do here is force a pause where there should not have been one. Hyphens are used when we start a different thought that does not connect to the previous one. For example: D.O pushed Kai away, his eyes – already bloody with tears – glaring at the man. It is sort of like a tangent. In this case however, the two thought are meant to be connected so it is odd that you chose to use a hyphen.

The bright blazing sun was saying goodbye to the sky as I was meant to, to the beach. However, I couldn't find the courage to even stand. The picture that danced across my eyes was just breathtaking to look away.

The bright blazing sun was saying goodbye to the sky just as I meant to, to the beach. However, I couldn't find the courage to part with it. The picture that danced across my eyes was just too breathtaking to look away.

I believe that this could easily be a typo but should it not be here’s an explanation. The problem, one of them, here is the phrase ‘was meant to’. You have to either say was or meant to because the two are actions that cannot be done at the same time. For example, I can’t eat a sandwich and mean to eat a sandwich at the same time since I am already eating a sandwich. Does that make sense? In this case, I suggest you to use meant to since Myungsoo cannot part with it, he does not have the courage to. That being said, he was not parting with it, he was trying to. Next, I don’t think you should use ‘to even stand’ because at least in my head, he was standing already, no the bank. Of course, another fix would be to establish the fact that he is sitting. Lastly, the too is necessary if you are going to use just – but I truly do think this was just a typo.

Once the dark cloud shadowed the above, the water below turned a shade of grey, which triggered a warning sign. I quickly hopped up and walked to a place where I couldn't feel the rough texture of the little seeds.

Once dark clouds shadowed the above, the water below turned a shade of grey, which triggered a warning sign. I quickly hopped up and walked to a place where I couldn't feel the rough texture of the biting raindrops.

Unless there is a very specific, special dark cloud that we are referring to, the better choice would be to say ‘dark clouds’ since there is more than one above. As for your choice of the words ‘little seeds’ to describe the raindrops – there is nothing wrong with this but it sort of give me mental goosebumps but not in a good way. I sort of got a really gross, icky imagery that I don't want to share with you.

The following day, I sat in my usual window seat as I looked endearingly at the door, waiting for that person to walk through. My eyes caught a glimpse of chestnut hair through the small white-bordered window. There he was, the boy who had the appearance of a girl. He had a heart shaped face, which was a shade of light honey wheat. His cheekbones were high and wide, which made his smiles linger on his face. He had large brown eyes – which shined with innocence – that were partly hidden behind his brunette fringe. The inner half of each of his eyebrows slanted sharply downwards creating a mischievous look. His slightly upturned nose, which gave off a cute playful feel, rested inches above from his bow-shaped thin lips.

Mhm, so I didn’t copy the original for this edit since it was a bit longer. But here’s what happened. First is a tense and phrase change. ‘Smiles lingering’ does not work with the tense we are trying to establish and it seems a bit odd. Next, the use of that instead of which is just a stylistic choice on my part, nothing to be hugely concerned about. As for the change in the phrase ‘showing his innocence’, to tell you the truth, the description of his eyes as large and brown doesn’t really show me his innocence. The better answer to this would be to assert the fact that his eyes gave off some innocent property – such as shining with innocent. Adding of his makes it clearer to the reader that we are still talking about this man, also tense change on the verb slant. In the last sentence, the addition of which and above on my part are just logical helpers that keep the reader from guessing weirdly.

He was taller than the vast majority of the class and neither lean nor overweight. Judging by his looks, he was probably under the required BMI value for a healthy person. His clothing was the same as ours, white shirt – neatly tucked into the navy trousers – under a dark blue blazer, where the embroidered bright gold star-shaped logo stood out, on the left pocket.

You need a measure word for the class so you insert a the. That was a really bad explanation because I can’t really explain it so if you don’t understand why I put a the, go google usage of the. The first two sentences are both describing his body structure and when put apart especially since both start with ‘he’ they sound quite choppy so I’d suggest combining them. Remember your tenses. The phrase ‘dressing sense’ is an odd choice here since I’d assume they have a dress code so it isn’t really Sungjong’s ‘dressing sense’ but his clothing.

My lips parted, my breath caught, and my eyes widened. The mere sight of Sungjong caused my heart to race viciously. I looked down, my face burned hotter than a piece of paper under flames. The smell of strawberries was rich as he walked past. On the verge looking up, I rested my cheek on the smooth surface of the cold wooden table. Someone would wake me up when the teachers arrived.

Lots of tense changes here. I’d like to spend some time on the last sentence though. When he rests his cheek on the desk, I’d assume he’s going to sleep or take a nap so he’s not really waiting for someone to wake him up, rather, he’s trusting someone to wake him up. He is not sleeping for the purpose of waiting, do you see what I mean?

"How dare you fall asleep before my lesson starts then pretend you don't acknowledge my existence!" her hisses sounded scarier than usual.

"How dare you fall asleep before my lesson starts then pretend you don't acknowledge my existence!" Her hisses sounded scarier than usual.

You see how you ended your sentence in the dialogue? Since you did, you have to capitalize ‘her’. If you didn’t want to, you would have to change the excalimation point to a comma.

"I'm sorry, Miss." I muttered, afraid to say anything else.

"I'm sorry, Miss," I muttered, afraid to say anything else.

Once again, if you want to connect the dialogue inside to the outside – which, you should especially when the outside is the dialogue tag – you need to use a comma. Just a note, I don't like how you used Miss. Perhaps in American culture it would be alright, but in Asian cultures Miss would be highly disrespectful. 

I lied about editing only the first chapter. Here are just some mistakes that bothered me a lot. Not all of them.

“Mr Kim Myungsoo! Would you like to share the reason behind your absurdly loud laughter?” she shouted.

“Mr. Kim Myungsoo! Would you like to share the reason behind your absurdly loud laughter?” She shouted.

This was explained above. But what I’d like you to note is the period after ‘Mr’ this is needed.

My teeth sank into my bottom lip as I pushed the door open.

Teeth would be a better choice here.

Flog escaped his mouth as he looked back at me.

Fog escaped his mouth as he looked back at me.

Just a typo.

In conclusion, your grammar isn’t bad. Certainly I understood your story easily. But suggestions would be to just reread for typos and fix your tenses when they are inconsistent.

You really did a great job capturing Myungsoo and Sungyeol in this fiction. Myungsoo was at constant odds with himself, always afraid to admit his love for Sungjong. At first perhaps one may perceive it as because he was afraid of society looking down on him, and that does factor in, but even after he admits that he was gay, he still does not openly hint that he likes Sungjong. You can really tell that he is a reflection of many real people around us. There is the struggle between balancing friendship and love. This is a conflict that happens in reality and that is one of the reasons that Myungsoo's character comes off as so breathtakingly real. He is constantly in the shadows, watching as Sungyeol and Sungjong fall in love, forever waiting and eventually, without realizing it, turning into the third wheel. But at the same time, he is not passive. He tries to seek his love and this is the ultimate conflict in this story - for me at least. I think that this internal struggle is the highlight of your story and the final resolution of it is enough to spark several emotions within readers, whether it be sympathy or some other form of pity. Thus, you can say, I feel very, very connected with Myungsoo.

Sungyeol was another character I liked in this piece. He's so sweet and protecting and I think you really pulled the prince card here and did it well. I can clearly see Sungyeol's love for Sungjong and it's the sweetest thing ever. With your subtle descriptions you pull the reader into this spell binding world in which we can't help but fall in love with them. This generates what I see to be the second most important conflict in this story. The reader is forced to choose between Myungsoo and Sungjong and Sungjong and Sungyeol. On one hand, we'd like to support the protagonist who clearly loves Sungjong, on the other, Sungyeol is a much better fit for Sungjong. You further the conflict between these characters when you show the hurt in Sungyeol when he finds that he was unable to protect Sungyeol and Myungsoo had to do that task for him. He, too, is caught between jealousy and friendship and it makes for the most heartbreaking character portrayal I've read in a long time. There are many authors out there, brilliant angst writers, that have to rely on drama to cause their readers to feel sorry for their characters, but the fact that you are able to turn such a common occurrence into something heartbreaking is really commendable.

The only thing I did have a problem with was Sungjong. I felt like you really could have done more work with him because after reading this, I had no impression of him. In fact...I sort of despise him. I feel like he is a fool for not being clear about his feelings, almost as though he's playing around with Myungsoo but sometimes giving him false hope - even if it's unintentional. I wish I saw a similar degree of character development in Sungjong but I didn't and it was really disappointing. In fact, I think I know more about Sungjong's outer appearance than his heart and as cheesy as this is going to sound - what's on the inside matters more. I don't know how true that stands in real life, but in stories, emotions truly are more important. I want to understand Sungjong more and his role in this conflict. As of now, he just feels like a ragdoll being toyed around with.

This plotline has been done before - we have the guy and the guy and the third guy who happens to also be in love with the love interest of the first guy, unfortunately the first and third guy are close friends - that's alright though. I never judge originality on whether or not you're using a skeleton that has been common, rather, I look to see if you were able to add your own twist to it. I think you accomplished this because of two things. One, in this case, the main character is the one who is left out of the relationship. Two, in the end, Myungsoo choses to let go and keep his friendship instead. That is so, so rare. Rarely do you see an author write a story where friendship is chosen over love and the main character choose to sacrifice his love interest. I really do applaud you for this.

Also, the addition of Myungsoo's mom and the conflict with that was a nice addition and helped to make things more unique. The jacket scene was also brilliantly done. Both will be touched on more in the plot discussion.

I'm going to talk about the good parts first. If you could not already tell by my tone in the characterization section, you did a great job. I liked the fact that your plotline was extremely realistic and reflective of our society today and the fact that you were able to take the problems in our society and around us and portrayal them in an interesting manner is amazing. I give you huge props for that.

The conflict here is clear: Myungsoo likes Sungjong but Sungyeol likes him as well, the three of them also happen to be friends. You introduce the conflict of the implications of being gay as well. That is another part of this that I wish to compliment you on. Most writers chose to ignore the realities in the implications of being gay in the current world, especially in Asian cultures. I'm pleasantly surprised that you chose to include that. But you really did not do enough on that conflict for me to give you full credit on it. I felt like the emotions and disgust their classmates must have felt when finding out could be further elaborated on. Yes, they did horrible things to Sungjong, but it felt very staged. I think you could have spent a little longer here and really go into what it feels like to be excluded from society because you are different.

Of course, I did not take points of for this since for me, that conflict was a minor one and served only as a supplement to your main story. The way you develop your main conflict is amazing. At first, we, the readers, know only that Myungsoo has a crush on Sungjong. Everything's cool and it seems to be a typical romance. But then, you tell us that Sungjong and Sungyeol seem to have a thing for each other. Still cool, it'll just be a love triangle. But finally, you tell us that Sungyeol and Myungsoo are close friends and literally need each other. That's when it all comes together. I thought it was an extremely beautiful choice on your part.

There were two particular scenes that added to your score. First was the tidbit about Myungsoo's mother. It really helped advance the plot and left the reader feeling a deeper connection with Myungsoo. It also helped set up the perfect end. I'm not sure what other's see in their heads when they read the last few paragraphs of the last chapter, but I see Myungsoo trying to draw comfort from his mother who no longer exists. I hear his voice as shattered and broken, trying to convince himself that he was happy he made the decision he made, but he cannot hide the sorrow inside of him despite such. Having him call his mom was perfect. It really was.

The second scene I really applaud you for, is the jacket scene. I thought it was the perfect touch of irony. It is almost like fate laughing in Myungsoo's face in the bitterest way possible. To think that perhaps if he had stayed that one day, Sungjong might have fallen for him rather than Sungyeol is a huge boost to the plot. It thickens it and perhaps even adds a dimension of regret to Myungsoo's character.

Lastly, I want to comment you on the last chapter. I really liked the scene at the hospital. We can clearly see the contrast between Myungsoo and Sungyeol's love for Sungjong. Both of them love him dearly, yet Myungsoo's love is more erratic while Sungyeol is softer and gentler. It is a perfect contrast. The nurse's words are a deal sealer and that moment is, if anything, a moment of heartbreak for the reader. They feel the pain Myungsoo feels at that.

Now, the reason I took ten points off is because of this. The first five paragraphs. I'm not sure how to put this but they don't make sense. I'm not sure the meaning of them. Perhaps the scene at the Han River would have made more sense at the end but you put it at the beginning, before any of the conflict even began. As for the first two, I don't understand at it at all. At first I thought, when I started reading this, that this would be an action story because of it. Quite obviously, it is not. I went back and reread these two paragraphs after finishing the story and still I do not understand their meaning. Perhaps you can explain to me? I hold two theories. First, I assumed that it was Myungsoo, perhaps after the death of his mom? Second, I wondered if it even was Myungsoo since the word used was 'he'. Perhaps then this is the scene where Sungjong was hurt? But if it were so, why would it be at the beginning?

In the end, I think your characters made your plot, even became your plot. Since my interpretation of your story focused so much on the internal conflict of your characters, truly the two intertwined and became one in a beautiful coming together. Amazing job.

I'm not going to talk much about this section since you already have a distinct, development style that is very much enjoyable to read. You have a good grasp on description and how to implement it based on literary devices. Two suggestions I have would be first to go deeper on those emotional scenes and describe them further and make certain transitions cleaner. I'm going to give you an example.

 “That’s amazing, Sungyeol! I’m impresse-” he didn’t let me finish. He pulled me into a hug and I patted his back, in rhyme to the beats of the clock. He was hugging Sungjong for this. My eyes glanced at Sungyeol, the facial expression he gave when hugging Sungjong was far more than mere happiness.

After reading this I was completely confused. This is a flow issue. Let's break it down. Myungsoo was saying something and then Sungyeol hugs him but then suddenly he's hugging Sungjong? And then we're suddenly looking at Sungjong's pretty facial expression. Okay...it moved too fast. Remember what I said earlier about your description? Same problem. Too many thoughts, no connections to keep them balanced together. Don't move too fast.

One other thing to know would be those first two paragraphs that I keep on talking about. Besides their otherwise weirdness, they're also in a different point of view. For what purpose I do not know.

Bonus for the beautiful end. I've talked about it enough in the plotline section. But once again, beautiful job, I loved it. I love the angst that it generated!

I'm not even sure this section is necessary since the majority of this review was fangirling over your brilliant characters anyways. Anyways, I suppose I'll share some personal thoughts. While I was reading this I had my Infinite playlist on. I'm not an Infinite fangirl but this story really made me have the feels for them. Thanks for letting me review it. It was certainly refreshing.

Definitely fix those tenses dear. Also, just a suggestion. I'm not sure you tied in the prompt enough, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Regardless, I felt like the prompt only truly showed in the last few paragraphs of the story. I think you could have went really far with it and hinted at it throughout the story and I wish I saw that, but it's alright as it is.

Hopefully this was somewhat helpful. Going to recommend this later, great job on it. 

(Wow. 5200 something words, my longest review yet.)