Upon the first glance I had neither loved nor hated your title, it was merely lackluster. There wasn’t anything remarkable or overwhelming memorable about it as it was a tad bit boring and very much unoriginal. It is extremely important, especially when writing about a popular band like EXO, that you try to pick a title that would stand out among the hundreds upon hundreds of stories starring an OC and Sehun. As I began to delve deeper into your title it seemed a bit scattered especially when compared the main plot of your description. When I think of someone embracing their past my first thought is that something catastrophic must have happened for your character yet I don’t get any hint of that sort of theme from your description or from your chapters for that matter. The tone I had gotten while reading was more or less what you would find in a story based around a tragic love story or star crossed lovers, the latter is most prominent point I had gotten. Thus I think your title should set that up for the reader. If it had been me I would have concentrated on that idea of the guiding light in darkness or on the apparent theme of star crossed lovers.

First and foremost this section will be mainly focused on the description as there isn’t much more than a poem/song and two character descriptions in your foreword. As I scrolled down to read your description I was first meet with four words that were bolded and substantially bigger than the remainder of your text that appeared to be nothing but a distraction from the bulk of your description. My gaze was constantly running back up to these words that appear to have no connection to the rest of the words within the boundaries of your boundaries as if they were thrown in there without care if they fit well or not. If I were to have guess the meaning behind these randomly words I would have to say that they seem to attribute to Sehun more than our OC, yet if I hadn’t gone on to read the chapters I wouldn’t have a clue who or what these words were describing. Even now I’m still pondering the meaning behind these words and what could have driven you to include them. I believe that could be simply omitted and nothing would change in relation to understanding your description.

Moving onto the bulk of your description that I found to be a bit puzzling at times, mainly focusing around confusing sentences due to spelling and grammatical errors. Sometimes errors can looked over if a concrete theme uniting it is loud and clear but yours neither had a strong main point nor grammatical/spelling errors that could be easily looked over. Thus I feel it is my responsibility as your reviewer to show how you could properly write out your points into a more understandable form.

Original:

Few words to describe what they have in common. Both tried to unlock the past, and both failed. However, one cannot succeed in finding a light without finding its light.

And they were the light in either one’s story. As much as it sounds so cliche, that’s how it goes. They need to find each other. They have to find each other.

But what if the other half…is a ghost? Will everything still work out? Will the unanswered questions be finally answered? Can the light still shine its way on them?

Revision:

Few words could describe what they had in common. They had both tried to unlock their pasts yet neither of them has succeeded. However, there will be no light until the darkness until the light that has been lost is found.

They were the light in the darkness for each other’s story. Though it may sound cliché, that’s just how the story goes. However they need to find each other before time runs out.

Yet what if their other half is a ghost? Will there still be a happy ending but the end of their tale? Will their unanswered questions ever be answered? Can light still guide their path to each other?

Alright, I have tried my best to reword your sentences though some had stumped me in relation to what you were trying to convey so it left me with no other but to have to guess. I want to focus the most of your first cluster of sentences as it is not yet long enough to be referred to as a paragraph. That is the first time it was brought to my attention what the plot could be about yet I still wasn’t sure as the previous clumps had nothing or unnoticeable links to it. When writing, especially something like a description, you should try and create links between your sentences unless it begins to look choppy and thrown together. Moving onto some of your word choices, who exactly are they, it could be your main characters yet it could very easily be another character of lesser importance. Following that is, its, this is very ambiguous as it could be a person or an inanimate object. Just watch your spelling and enlist a friend to read it over for you.

Then I find myself in the foreword where there isn’t anything else but a poem, maybe it could be a song, I remember the first part from when I was younger. Nevertheless whether it’s a song or poem it was beautiful piece of writing and was the best part of your description and foreword combined. While character outlines follow I will not discuss these until the characterization section.

Your story thus far unlike your description isn’t as full to the brim of spelling and grammatical mistakes that could not be overlooked instead only a few sentences per chapter stuck out as being awkward and in need or a rewrite. Starting with the first few sentences in chapter that had a few punctuation errors along with a few wording errors to go along with it.

Original:

 

It all started when it was halloween.

 

The townsfolks dressed as a ghost, an insect, or whatever supernatural creature that comes in your mind; The whole neighborhood was at a feast. Candies were thrown everywhere, kids scared the neighbor's house, and they all get along pretty well. 

Revision:

It all started on Halloween.

The townsfolk were dressed up as ghosts, insects and other supernatural creatures that had come to mind. The neighbourhood was at a feast while candies were thrown in every direction possible, children scared their fellow neighbours while they still all got along.

I must address that neighbour can be spelled as neighbour or neighbor, without the extra vowel is the American way of spelling it and with the extra vowel is the Canadian way of spelling, yet both are the right spelling. Further down in chapter one there is a clump of three small paragraphs that just appear to be a bit off due to your word choices.

Original:

After two hours of constantly trying to shoo away your classmates and leave you alone, you finally gave up with your basket. Now, your basket is a quarter full while your classmates' are half full. Some already went to Bora's house after filling up their baskets.

 

You looked at the road ahead of you and sighed when you felt so lonely. "I barely made friends again," you said to yourself, "It's my failt anyways." You really at socializing with people, making you look like a loner. You just shrugged away the thoughts and continued to walk forward, admiring the sceneries that you passed by.

 

The quiet neighborhood was amusing to you. It was amazing how they seemed to get along despite the fact that they don't seem to converse with each other. However, in the crowded villages like the North Village and the East Village, it was very different. If you don't talk with other people, they ignore you, thinking that you are a strange and unfamiliar person.

 

Revision:

After two hours of constantly shooing your classmates away in hope that they would give up and leave you alone you finally began to follow them to the different hours. Your basket was now a quarter full while your classmate’s baskets are half full while some had already gone to Bora’s house.

You looked down the road ahead of you and sighed, you felt especially lonely at times like this. “I barely talked to anyone again. It’s my fault that I don’t have many friends,” you mumbled this to yourself before you began to walk forewords, enjoying the scenery. You had never been very good at socializing with people and thus you were referred to as a loner.

The quiet neighbourhood was much different than you were used, so different it was almost amusing. Yet you were amazed at how the village’s people seemed to peaceful coexist even without the need to converse on a regular basis. The crowded atmosphere of the North and East Village was almost a polar opposite as people spent their days conversing with those around you and if you did not partake in this they viewed as being weird.

The issue with the above small paragraphs were they were quite choppy and they don’t really relate to each other as it skips places without an introduction or something to help it along to the next point, more or less like these paragraphs were just thrown in. I find from reading all of your chapters multiple times that you are have the most problem with your wording choices, I suggest that you possibly use a thesaurus while writing to possibly help cut down on these mistakes. Make sure that you remember to proofread your chapters or even better get someone else to proofread it as they will catch the mistakes that you have missed. Throughout the course of your fic, the first chapter had the worst errors but it gradually got better as the chapters went on, which you improved so good job. 

On the topic of characterization, I understand you can’t necessarily build up a character in you fic because the reader is supposed to visualize themselves in the position of Go Iljae yet it shouldn’t stop you from building up the character’s background. Though that is only one of your main characters, which leaves Sehun and his character just falls flat, he should have been an interesting character because he’s a ghost, that’s out of norm and his character should follow. Yet all we’re told is that he’s a ghost and any character development ends there. Both of your main characters' share one thing in common, both have been to hell in a hand basket, so I believe you should have put some emphasis on this instead of letting it dissolve into the background. Some things you should work on are: firstly creating a solid and likeable character for Sehun and secondly work on how your characters interact with each other, the reader will gain insight from this. 

As unfortunate as it is this is an incredibly overused plot on more than one count and thus leaves the story feeling dull and lifeless especially since nothing in your story breaks apart from this mold. The story always goes like this. The main character whether it be a male or female has a destroyed past and thus is antisocial and looks down on themselves and falls in love with a ghost that is somehow attached to their past. It’s the same things over and over again. The plot is merely two-dimensional, there isn’t anything that brings. I encourage you to think of a plot twist that would break this story away from the mold.

Seeing as there are only six chapters there isn’t much to review in the aspect of looking for a plot yet it should still be working its way towards a plot twist or some big event to happen, like for example Sehun disappears and Iljae is left heartbroken and lost in the world. Yet I couldn’t find anything in your story that suggested a common plot that would run throughout your story and it was a bit frustrating to find. Along with that, next to nothing has happened. Sehun and Iljae meet, he kisses her and that’s all I got. I would suggest that before you begin writing your next chapters you need to think of what direction your going with your plot and emphasis that in your writing.

Starting off the spaces between the sentences and clumps of sentences are much too big, you had pressed enter twice while you should have pressed it once, having such a large space is distracting as I got distracted with every next line. Next there’s no real paragraph’s, just clumps of at most three sentences which could have been combined as paragraphs and would have had the same affect. Also I could never figure where your character was as they went from one place to another to back to the first place without connections and you need those connections if you want to avoid the reader being confused. If in doubt, describe what is around your character and leave the rest to your reader’s imagination. 

I have given you bonus points for you poster, I really like, it’s really simple but still really well done plus for the name of your OC character, her name is just so pretty.

If I, as a regular human being, met a ghost I would react, whether it be a good or bad response I would respond yet Iljae doesn’t respond in the least bit, which leaves her seeming almost robotic, realistic characters have responses to the events around them.

It was great potential to be a good story, so keep your chin up, keep that smile on your face and keep on improving.

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