I gave your title a three because there was nothing about it that made me want to slap everything out of my way just to read the rest of the story. To me, the title lacked a lot of Wow factor in terms of attracting readers. It's a really dull sort of title, and it doesn't magnetically drag readers into an endless abyss of feelings. 

I do however, applaud how you were able to relate it to the story further off down the track when you said it was one of Kai's habits when conversing with the OC. You highlighted an important character trait just by the title alone; Kai's insistence and caring nature towards his "best friend".

When I read your description, I felt the same thing I did for your title. It wasn't glamorous and it didn't do any justice to your story. In fact it was a bit awkward to read it. Let's start with your first sentence;

That night was terrible.

It sounds like an old Red Indian tribal leader retelling a story of what happened thousands of years ago in the land of Wosha. I'm not even saying that it's necessarily a bad thing because although that is a very open-ended and vague statement, you do go on to elaborate on it. 

My boyfriend cheated on me, I got a black eye, and, better yet, I got arrested.

I love your sarcasm here! I think your tone is the best thing about the description because of how you delivered your line as if you're just sick of life. I can definitely relate to this. It's pretty much how I feel 99.99% of the time anyway so I enjoyed this part. The amount of commas you've used though could have been cut down. For example;

My boyfriend cheated on me, I got a black eye, and (THE COMMA HERE WAN'T NECESSARY) better yet, I got arrested.

What I really didn't like was the next sentence, the; "But now that I think of it, I'm happy it happened". Wow. That is really very vague. It also doesn't have a nice ring to it either. It sounds like you robbed a bank and initiated a mass suicide at the same time and was happy about it (ok, exageration).  But in all honesty, it doesn't bring forth any real interest from me. It doesn't make me want to whack people out of the way just to read your story. You couldt have made use of a wider vocabulary (you can always use thesaurus.com if you're stuck, it's not cheating) becuase the wording you have used doesn't have any emotion at all. It's empty and dull, and there's no positive connotations that make me feel what the character is apparently feeling.

However, I thought how you ended it was really adorable. I thought it was straight to the point and the readers were able to finally understand what the story was to be about. Like going through so many hardships, having a horrible night to finally end it with the love of your life kind of thing. It was very cute. 

This was a major 'meh' for me. I didn't think the story was creative at all in terms of originality and plot. It didn't allure me and reel me into the depths of "you'll-never-find-another-story-like-me" because in all honesty, I have read many stories like your's.

I didn't like the whole best friend was always in love with you and the moment you've broken up with your apparent jerk of a boyfriend they comfort you with kisses. With stories like this, there are a few factors that they have in common;

This is undeniably the best aspect of your story! Kai and the OC were, I thought, really well portrayed. Mihyun more than Kai, but we’ll discuss that now.

So Mihyun; she was sassy, sarcastic and very badass. I thought she was very realistic. She was not a perfect character, which is good. I don’t want to see any perfect characters because they’re just boring. So the fact that she actually stepped up and beat the hell out of some chick that decided to beat the hell out of her man that was great. I like how “Mihyun didn’t wait for Kai” but walked into his apartment herself. This shows that she is assertive in her actions and just tired of life. It also juxtaposes with the final statement from Kai; "waiting for you"

There was a sense of realness too that I got from her. Especially when she was telling Kai that nothing was going to be ok. It’s true, because the guy she was with for four years had just cheated on her so no, nothing was going to be ok for a while. I love her little character quirks; how she gets annoyed because she doesn’t have any clothes, how she began to fiddle with the lace of her dress, etc. I also like how you didn’t write her response to Kai’s kiss because in reality she is still mourning and she shouldn’t even think of another relationship till much later. I would have preferred if you had elaborated more on her inner turmoil though, rather than dashing through the story. And I want to talk about the confusing flashback scene too, because wow that was a complete personality change, but we’ll get to that.

Now for Kai; Kai was a bit too perfect for my liking. He was sweet and caring and I love how he does genuinely look out for his friend. He should have realised though that she wouldn’t be ready for another relationship so soon. There was no indication anywhere in your story prior to the kiss that he was even interested in her. Sometimes the conversation between them was a bit awkward too, like when he was trying to get her clothes. It sounded kind of off. Even though the part where he says “a penny for your thoughts” actually does relate back to your title, it was awkwardly vocalized, like he was unsure if he should be saying it himself. But apart from that I thought Kai was a cute character (that y beast) and I really love how he would concernedly sneak glances at her.

While I thought the two main characters were almost perfectly (almost) presented, I didn’t think Daehyun was at all. He was really confusing, and not in the oh-you’re-super-mysterious-and-y, but the what-the-hell-are-you-doing kind of way. I don’t think that scene with him in the flashback showed him as a loving boyfriend at all, which contradicts Mihyun’s whole emotional breakdown because wow he certainly wasn’t worth it.

I applaud your story because there were hardly any grammatical errors that I encountered at all. Also there weren’t any spelling mistakes either which was great! I could usually skim past spelling mistakes but there were almost none at all so huge breath of relief there! You could have tried a wider range of vocabulary when writing (although sometimes too wide is bad as well) but I think the simple language was good. It was simple and succinct.

The plot was very unoriginal. I could definitely predict what was about to happen next and that is never a good thing. There wasn’t really a big or even mild suspenseful , but rather a mere revelation of unfaithful boyfriends and more loyal ones.

What I really, for the life of me, did not understand was the flashback scene. I just couldn’t not fathom why it was there at all. Firstly, it challenged all the ideas that you had put forth about your characters. You made Mihyun look like a gold-digging (for lack of a better word) and not her usual badass chick-ness. And also, the scene itself had no relation to the plotline. It just showed how he got her a bag and she for some reason another dude’s face and said she wuld leave him and he was all “no you won’t bro”. I thought it could have at least been the other way around. I would have liked to have seen him professing his love for her rather than the other way around because it just didn’t make sense.

If you ever were to write it again, I’d say make it a longer oneshot where Mihyun would confront the chick and scrap out, or change the flashback.

Once again, you’ve lost points here because of that random flashback that came out of nowhere. I really did not know why that was there at all (it really did cost you a good amount of points). That as well as the pace. It was really fast and somewhat choppy at times.

Apart from that though I think that some scenes shouldn’t have been in there, the paragraphs linked well and the sentences were strung together fine. There were no major grammar errors and awkward transitions (apart from that one scene, you know what I’m talking about).

I’m sorry to say that I didn’t particularly enjoy your story. But it was for a couple of reasons;

• The plot was unoriginal – I have already, in my time on AFF alone, read so many stories with the exact same plot.

• The title did not interest me

• Some characters were unrealistic

• Some scenes were unnecessary

That being said, I didn’t completely hate it. It may not have been the best story I have ever read, but it sure wasn’t the worse. There is a lot of room for improvement, so you shouldn’t worry about this at all.

Ok, so first of all love, don’t be too discouraged by the final score. You have a lot of potential for improvement. Your writing style is good; we just have to work on your pace and how you deliver your story as well as coming up with good plotlines. You need to be able to hook the audience and make them never ever want to leave.

One thing many people seem to do is get a beta. They will advise you as you write, and help you improve your skills. Of course, getting reviews and honest feedback really helps too.

If you ever need any additional assistance, don’t be afraid to pm me or something. I will genuinely want to help a sista out. Thank you again for requesting at our shop!

And remember to always enjoy writing x

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